32. Violet

32

Violet

I sink into my spot on the worn couch. It now has a permanent dent because I haven’t moved from it much within the last twelve hours. My hot-headed best friend swarms me instantly from our kitchen table.

“What did that jerk say?” he asks, pacing the space in front of me.

I shake my head. “I don’t have it in me to talk about it,” I answer with no emotion left to give.

“Violet, I swear if he said anything stupid,” he throws his hands in the air.

“I just need time to process this,” I square my shoulders.

“Did he explain everything? Most importantly, why did he act like such a tool at the bar?” Hartley’s face is beet red. He continues to pace back and forth, increasing my anxiety with every step.

“I don’t need all the details to know he lied, and I can’t do this anymore.” My sky-high walls are rebuilding by the second. Ryan managed to bulldoze them down to a place I hardly recognized. I’ve learned that people leave more than they stay. Whether that’s dying or bolting, Hartley's been my only constant. I thought Ryan would be the exception, but I was wrong.

“It’s everywhere, Vi. He placed bets on our games.” Hartley is hurt, too. He won’t admit it, but his friendship with Ryan was growing. He’s all about loyalty, and the team means everything to him.

“I saw it on the TV at the bar last night while I was trying to get him to tell me what was going on,” I explain.

“It’s bad. He won’t be allowed to play anymore, anywhere ,” Hartley explains what I already knew in my heart.

“He did it for her,” I try to defend him even though I’m beyond mad at the man who broke my heart mere hours ago.

“Who?”

“His mom.” My eyes meet Hartley's.

“What are you talking about?” Hartley is understandably confused, but this isn’t my story to tell.

“It’s not my place to tell his story, but I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t his last resort. ”

“No reason is good enough to do something like that to the team. He ruined his career and let us down.”He plops down next to me and runs his fingers through his hair. His eyes are wild. His pupils are dilated from screaming.

“You’re right. I wish I had more answers, but my gut tells me there’s more to the story,” I explain. “I can’t see him right now.” My eyes well with tears. My skin is raw and dry from crying all night. “All I see is betrayal.”

“Come here,” Hartley hugs me tight like a father would if I had one. I cry into his chest until I have nothing left. The last thing I remember is falling asleep against my best friend, wrapped in my favorite fluffy blanket.

My eyes flutter open, and I rub the sleep from my eyes. I was able to get a few hours of solid sleep, but I decided to skip class anyway. I need a solid day to recover from the storm that hit me this weekend. I also don’t want to see Ryan in our Monday class. I know we have to have another conversation at some point, but I’m not ready to see the boy I loved so deeply in person. The betrayal is etched in my heart, but I can’t help but let my mind wander to the what-ifs.

What if it was his only option?

What if his mom is sicker than he led me to believe?

Why couldn’t he tell me?

My subconscious mind is still giving him the benefit of the doubt, but my heart is aching from his words and actions. I thought we were it for each other. He gave me a family to believe in for the first time in my life, and now it’s gone. That’s why I can’t do this again. I lost one family in my life, and that nearly brought me to the grave.

Liza texts me that she's coming over after class. That gives me three solid hours to wallow in self-pity before she gets here. I decided to have Taylor Swift join me, and I whip up a playlist quickly with my favorite sad songs: My Tears Ricochet, Champagne Problems, So Long, London, Exile, loml, and All Too Well. I don’t plan on moving from this spot until further notice. Losing track of time, I hear a loud knock on the apartment door.

“Come in!” I shout. Liza busts in with her usual burst of energy. Her presence sends the first shot of joy through me since everything had gone down.

“I came prepared with the perfect breakup cure: chocolate, wine, chips, and frozen pizza!” she screams.

I watch as she heads straight for the kitchen. “Aww, you’re the best, but you didn’t have to do all of this for me,” All this time, I thought I couldn’t count on people to show up for me when I needed them to, but I’m beginning to realize that I never gave anyone much of a chance. Sure, Ryan let me down, but Liza shows up time and time again. I’ll go through the heartbreak all over again if it means I get to keep Liza in my life.

“Yes, I did. When my bestie is upset, I need to find the cure, hence my breakup items.” She waves her hands around with excitement, showing off the grocery bag filled with goodies. Plopping down next to me, she busts open the salty and sweet snacks.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks tenderly.

“You know what? I think I do.” I need a girl’s opinion on this mess. Who is better than someone who witnessed it with me?

“Vi, I’ve never seen him like that. Ryan has never gotten that drunk or acted like that since I’ve met him. He’s always the responsible one. Something was seriously wrong.” Her shoulders slump as she continues to tuck loose hairs behind her ear.

“He placed bets on his football games and didn’t tell me. You saw how bad it was. Everyone knows and has to be gossiping about it by now.”

“Yeah. I heard rumblings on campus, and Hartley texted me the short version this morning.” She peeks at her phone, reviewing the information that Hartley sent her.

“To make matters worse, he showed up yesterday morning unannounced. I wasn’t planning on going outside to talk to him, but I was terrified that Hartley would get charged with assault. Stopping both of them seemed like the only option.”

“Did he apologize?” she asks.

“Yes, but it’s not that simple." I look over at my best friend, meeting her caring eyes. "He broke my heart, Liza.” I try my best not to cry for the third day in a row. I can’t do it anymore.

“This may not be the popular answer, but he loves you, Vi. Ryan hasn’t acted like he does around you with anyone. What would he need to do to make you trust him again?”

“I don’t know if anything will ever allow me to trust him again,” I say.

“Sometimes the people who push us away the farthest need us the most. It’s up to us to decide if it’s worth the fight.”

“Why should I? I don’t know if I have any fight left in me.”

“Take it from me. Some things are worth letting go and some are worth trudging through the fire. It’s up to you what’s most important.” She gently grabs my hand and rubs circles around. “Just don’t give up on him, okay? Trauma makes you push the people you love most in the world away.” I make a mental note to dig into that comment later.

“We all have issues.” I add. Walking away from him that night at the bar was the hardest choice I’ve had to make.

“I think we can both agree that boys suck.” She rests her head on my shoulder and twirls little pieces of her loose hair.

I lay my head on her shoulder. “The understatement of the century. I need time to figure out what I want and what would be best for the both of us.”

“That’s fair. I’m not leaving your side, okay? I’m team Violet, and I want to see you happy. Coincidentally, you seem to be the happiest with Ryan by your side.” I hug the bubbly blonde and start my playlist again.

“Let’s listen to sad music until Hartley gets home. I’ve put him through my playlist torture for the past few days, and I know he’s had his fill,” I laugh and blast Taylor at full volume.