60. Ella

60

ELLA

C olt’s deep, raspy voice rolls through me, making every hair on my body stand on end.

Keep talking , I silently beg.

After going so long without hearing his voice, I crave it.

“If you’re punishing me, I promise you that I’m already doing enough of that myself to last a lifetime. Wake up for me, yeah?”

I want to. I do. I’m just…too exhausted.

“Wake up and tell me that I haven’t totally fucked this up for good.”

I will my body to do as he suggests, but it’s like trudging through mud.

“Tell me that there is still a chance for us.”

Suddenly, it’s like someone flips on a switch and I wake up, my eyes flying open.

“Ella,” Colt cries, thankfully standing and allowing his massive body to plunge me into his shadow. “Fuck. Ella. I’m here. I’m here. Everything is going to be okay.”

I stare at him in disbelief.

I knew he was here. I could hear his voice. But seeing him standing there, staring down at me with concern in his eyes is something else entirely.

“Bombshell?” he asks when all I do is stare at him.

He sent you away…

He broke your heart. Again.

“You…you…”

Dropping lower, he rests his brow against mine and gazes so deep into my eyes that I swear he can see right down into my soul.

“I know. I fucked up, baby. I fucked everything up so bad. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

My nose begins to itch before tears burn my eyes. I don’t stand a chance at holding them back, and in only seconds, they’re streaming down my cheeks.

“I love you, Ella. I love you so much. You’re everything to me. Everything. I never should have done any of that. I was a selfish prick and?—”

“You came,” I whisper.

“I did. I’m not going to lie to you, things have been bad. Really bad. But we’re going to get through this,” he states firmly. “Together, yeah? We’re gonna fight all of it together.”

His words…they’re everything I want to hear, but I also know that I probably shouldn’t be accepting them at face value.

Before I get a chance to figure everything out, the door bursts open and two nurses come bounding in.

“Fantastic, you’re awake.” She smiles at me before turning to Colt. “Would you mind stepping outside for a moment?”

I want to tell him no, to assure them that he can stay, but no words emerge.

“Uh…” Colt looks between me and the nurse who made the request as if he’s expecting me to tell him to stay. But when I remain silent, he reluctantly stands to his full height and walks toward the door with his shoulders bowed.

The sight of him walking away from me is like a knife to the chest, and before I can stop myself, I call out.

“Wait. Please, don’t go.”

His large frame stills instantly.

“Please, Colt.”

I swear I don’t breathe as he considers his next move.

He just told me that we’re going to do this together; surely he isn’t going to leave already?

Slowly, he turns and looks over his shoulder. He’s got at least two days’ worth of stubble on his jaw, his hair is a mess, and his long-sleeved Maddison Kings Panthers shirt is wrinkled. I’m hit with a wave of nostalgia so strong it would knock me off my feet if I were on them.

My chest heaves as I remember that boy I first met at college. He was this enigma with walls built so high no one stood a chance of scaling them. But I did…I have.

I suck in ragged breath after ragged breath.

For years, all I wanted was for him to look at me like he is now. Those walls have crumbled to nothing but rubble around his feet.

I thought Seattle was our second chance. But I was wrong.

We still had secrets then. We were still trying to be the people we thought the other needed.

But now…everything has been laid out on the table.

Our deepest, darkest secrets have been exposed along with our pain.

Pain that we’ve been forced to endure alone all this time.

But is he right? Can we do this together from here on out?

Can we embrace each other’s pain and find a way to finally heal from the nightmares of our past?

A smile pulls at my lips. It feels foreign after so long, but it also feels right.

“Are you sure, Ella? We need to discuss some things that?—”

“I’m sure,” I say, holding Colt’s eyes. “Colt and I don’t have any secrets anymore.”

His lips twitch a beat before he nods in agreement. The movement is slight, but I see it clear as day.

“I love you,” he mouths, making my chest tighten.

The nurses move around me, checking my vitals and doing whatever they need to do.

A million and one questions dance on the tip of my tongue, but while his eyes hold mine captive, I can’t voice any of them.

None of them really matter.

He’s here.

He came.

“You’re going to need to have some therapy sessions before the doctors are able to talk about discharging you.”

I swallow thickly, hating the prospect but knowing that I signed myself up for this.

“I’ll organize for the best therapist I can find,” Colt promises.

One of the nurses gives him a double take, but she doesn’t seem to know who he is, and he doesn’t offer up any information.

“O-okay. Your vitals are looking okay. Your blood pressure is a little lower than we’d like. Your blood…”

“Her blood’s what?” Colt asks when she hesitates.

“Are you sure you don’t want to discuss this alone, Ella?” the nurse asks again.

I nod my head as dread grows in my stomach.

I’ve fucked my body about so much with this bullshit illness over the years, it’s hard to believe that they’re happy with anything right now.

I basically starved myself until I passed out. There is nothing good about that.

“Just tell me,” I force out, needing to know what it is.

“Okay,” she agrees, looking between Colt and me one more time. “Did you know that you’re pregnant, Ella?”

The room falls silent as I stare at the nurse who just spoke, her words floating around me like a whisper in the wind.

I blink.

Once.

Twice.

“Ella?” she asks softly. “Did you hear what I said?”

Shaking my head, I rest it back against the pillow and close my eyes.

No. I didn’t hear what she said. Because it can’t possibly be true.

They’ve made a mistake.

If I am, that would mean I haven’t been?—

I retch, acid burning up my throat. Someone is thankfully fast enough and a bowl appears beneath me before I vomit what little is in my stomach.

“Ella,” Colt breathes.

He’s there not a second later, taking the bowl from the nurse and holding my hair back.

It’s not a position I ever thought I’d see Colton Rogers in, but as he murmurs words of comfort and support, I can’t help but wonder if it’s the most natural I’ve ever seen him.

I retch a few more times, but when it becomes obvious that there is nothing more to bring up, Colt passes the bowl off to the nurse and then climbs onto the bed with me.

He doesn’t ask permission; nor do the nurses chastise him for taking liberties.

Wrapping his arm around me, he gathers me up against his huge, warm body and holds me tight, protecting me, supporting me, holding me together.

“Baby,” he whispers, his lips pressing against the top of my head. “Did you know?”

I shake my head, unable to speak.

“She didn’t know,” he confirms to the nurse.

“Okay. Well, your blood work suggests that you’re approximately eight weeks along.”

Colt’s chest stops moving beneath my head for a few seconds, but his heart continues to thump steadily.

Closing my eyes, I focus on the sound of it. It betrayed him on the field that day. But it didn’t give up on him.

And maybe despite everything, it didn’t give up on us, either.

“We’ll need to organize an ultrasound to see what’s happening in there.”

Suddenly, Colt sucks in a deep breath.

“How will Ella’s illness affect this?” he asks.

It’s such a sensible question that it throws me for a loop.

“The scan will be able to tell us more, but her hormone levels are strong, and that’s a good sign.”

“Could it have been the…” He swallows thickly. I feel it beneath my cheek as he prepares his words. “Could it have been the pregnancy that caused her to pass out more than her illness?”

“Possibly. Ella’s body is going through a lot of changes, and without the right fuel, it’s going to make it even more challenging.”

I squeeze my eyes closed as more tears threaten.

I had no idea.

I’ve hurt our baby, and I had no idea.