59. Colton

59

COLTON

E lla’s hospital room is different from what I remember of mine.

There are no scary machines, no wires, no annoying beeps or whirs.

The only bit of medical equipment attached to her is a simple cannula in the back of her hand that’s attached to a bag of fluid.

Lowering my ass to the chair on the opposite side of the IV, I keep her small hand clutched in mine.

My chest is so tight, it’s a struggle to suck in the air I need as I catalog her features.

Her skin is pale and has a gray pallor to it, which turns my stomach. The shadows under her eyes are dark, and her cheekbones are more pronounced than I ever remember seeing them.

It only confirms what Benny told me.

She’s relapsed, and it’s all my fault.

My bullshit put her here.

Her body has given up on her because of me.

My heart rate continues to race as I stare at her, regret and disgust poisoning me from the inside out.

Acid burns my stomach and up my throat.

Sucking in deep breaths, I try to keep my reaction under control.

Now that I’m here, I’m not leaving her.

The fact of it is that she might wake up and send me away. She has every right to do so. Every fucking right.

And if she does, I’ll have no choice but to listen to her.

I’ve already been selfish enough for a few lifetimes; it’s time I put her first.

If she doesn’t want me here, then I’ll leave. But I won’t go far.

I’ll never go far.

I can’t.

The time for my bullshit fears is over.

Ella needs me. And fuck. I need her too.

I’ve always fucking needed her; I’ve just been too scared to admit it.

“I don’t know what I should say here, Ella.Everything I’ve done…fuck.”

I scrub my hand down my face.

“I’ve done everything wrong.Every single fucking thing.”

Closing my eyes, I hang my head as memories of this incredible woman flicker like a movie through my mind.

“All I’ve ever truly wanted was you. It has only ever been you, Bombshell. No one has ever come close to comparing to you.All my dreams…all of them have included you.I just…I didn’t think I could have you.

“I know, I know,” I say, a bitter laugh tumbling from my lips as I predict what her response would be to that.

“I’ve only ever wanted you, Colt. Just as you are.”

My heart clenches hard in my chest.

“I guess you always have been right. Almost dying…almost losing everything…was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced.I freaked out, Ella. Everything was such a fucking mess. My life as I knew it blew up right in front of me.I had no idea if I was going to be able to function again when I first woke up, let alone anything else.

“I’d already put you through enough shit. I hurt you over and over. I couldn’t do it again. But I did, didn’t I?I hurt you worse than I ever have before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to show you how truly sorry I am.

“You are the single most important person in my life. You have been since the first day I met you. Your smile, the twinkle in your eyes…you lit me up like no one I’d ever met before, and it’s still true now.

“These past few weeks…fuck,” I breathe, slumping lower in the chair and dragging my fingers through my hair. “Ella, I fucked up. I fucked up so fucking badly.”

I sob, my eyes burning.

“And I didn’t even know the half of it.”

I squeeze my eyes closed in a pathetic attempt to keep in the tears. But it’s hopeless.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Ella, and it fucking kills me to see you like this.”

Sitting forward, I press my lips to the back of her cool hand and stop trying to fight my emotions.

Ella deserves so many things from me. Being vulnerable and embracing how I really feel is one of them.

I have no idea how much time passes as I sit there slumped over, clinging to my girl as if she’ll disappear if I so much as loosen my grip. But eventually, the creak of the door behind me catches my attention and I’m forced to look up.

I’m expecting to find a nurse or a doctor once I’ve wiped the lingering moisture from my eyes, so I’m taken aback a little when I find Angie staring back at me with tears staining her cheeks.

“Oh, crap. Sorry, I?—”

“It’s okay, Colt. Benny is going for coffee and?—”

“I’m fine, thank you,” I croak, hating that she’s looking at me with so much concern when she should be hating me.

She shakes her head. “He’s getting you one. Figured you could use the caffeine hit.”

Like you wouldn’t fucking believe.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Silence falls between us as she pushes from the door, letting it fall closed gently behind her as she draws closer.

Taking the seat on the other side of Ella, she rests her hand on her daughter’s, mindful of the cannula.

She studies Ella’s features with her brow furrowed.

“I hate seeing my girl like this. This disease is…cruel. So damn cruel.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurt.

Dragging her eyes from Ella, Angie studies me.

“This is something that’s always going to be a part of Ella’s life. There’s always a risk that something will get too much and she’ll fall back into old habits.”

“I know,” I say quietly. “Trust me, I know how mental health issues never really leave. They just…go quiet,” I confess.

Angie continues to watch me with concerned eyes, and before I know what I’m doing, words I was not expecting start falling from my lips.

“My mom,” I start. “She’s…she’s bipolar.”

Angie’s gasp is impossible to miss, but she doesn’t say a word, and the understanding on her face never falters.

“So am I,” I confess. “And my biggest fear is hurting those who love me in the same way Mom has us over the years.

“She never meant to. She loves us; I know she does. But her illness…it’s taken her from us, and—” I suck in a shaky breath. “I don’t want anyone to experience anything similar to that.”

I don’t realize she’s moved until her warmth and arms wrap around me.

“Oh, Colt. You can’t stop your own happiness because of the past,” she assures me softly.

“She ripped our dad apart. I tried to protect West from as much of it as possible, but?—”

“It’s not your job to try and protect everyone around you from something that might never happen. If we all did that, we’d never do anything.

“Look what you’ve achieved, Colt. Look at the life you’ve created for yourself. Look at the success you’ve had. Who says you can’t add a lasting and meaningful relationship, a family, to that?”

I don’t say anything as my heart slams against my chest.

“I know it’s the scariest part of everything you’ve done, but don’t you think that maybe it could be the most rewarding?”

“I do. I just…what if I fuck it up again?”

“And what if you don’t?” she counters without missing a beat.

Stepping away from me, she retakes her seat on the other side of the bed.

“Ella doesn’t want perfect, Colt. She thrives on challenge and always has. She doesn’t care if something seems hard, impossible even.She made a decision about you years ago, and my daughter is far too stubborn to change her mind.I know how you feel about her, Colt. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at her.”

She smiles softly, her eyes glassy with emotion.

“But before I can give you any kind of blessing to try and make this right with her, I need assurances from you that you’re in it for the long haul this time. I can’t risk something like this happening again. She’s strong, but even the strongest have their limits.”

I hang my head, letting her words settle in my mind before I look up at Ella.

Every part of me aches, but nowhere hurts as much as my heart at the thought of telling Angie that I can’t do this.

I want to do this.

I want to be the person that Ella needs to stand beside her while she fights her battles.

Hell, I want her to be the one standing beside me as I fight mine.

“I’m not going anywhere. Ella is my life—always has been. I’d walk away from everything if it meant I could be with her for the rest of my days.”

Lifting her hand, she wipes a tear that breaks free.

“That’s what I was hoping for.” She nods at someone on the other side of the door, and a second later, Benny steps in with a tray of coffee in his hand.

“Everything okay?” he asks, looking between us.

“Yes, everything is fine.”

“The nurse just said that the doctor will be around soon to do his checks,” Benny explains as he hands out the coffee. “Americano,” he says as I take mine. “Thought you needed it.”

“Thanks.” I take a sip and let the richness of it flood my senses. It’s not as hot as it should be, and it makes me wonder just how long he’s been outside the room, waiting for Angie to give him permission to enter. “So, what’s happening here exactly?”

“She’s exhausted. Hasn’t been eating properly. She decided enough was enough and checked herself in.”

“Herself?” I ask, shocked.

“Yeah. She passed out yesterday and when she came around, she told us to bring her in. The past few weeks have been…” Angie trails off. “She needs rest and nutrients, and then she’ll start a new round of therapy and hopefully, if life turns around a little, she will find her way out of this again.”

I nod, understanding the journey that Ella is about to embark on.

“So there’s nothing more serious happening here?”

“No,” she says firmly. “With the right care and support, she’ll make a full recovery.”

She holds both of our eyes firmly, silently demanding us—me—to make sure that I’m a part of it.

As promised, the doctor knocks on the door a few minutes later. Angie and Benny are already on their feet as he strides in, followed by two nurses.

“We’ll be outside,” Angie says.

“D-do I need to?—”

“Stay with her, Colt. Keep talking to her. Let her know you came for her.”

Pushing my chair back, I allow the medical team the space they need to check her vitals.

“Is everything okay?” I ask once it looks like they’re coming to an end.

“Everything is as expected.”

As they leave, I retake my seat and her hand.

“How long are you going to make me wait, Bombshell?” I muse. “If you’re punishing me, I promise you that I’m already doing enough of that myself to last a lifetime. Wake up for me, yeah? Wake up and tell me that I haven’t totally fucked this up for good. Tell me that there is still a chance for us.”