58. Colton

58

COLTON

B oth of my knees are bouncing as the pilot announces that we’re about to begin our descent into Texas.

Dread bubbles up like acid in my stomach as I think about what I’m about to be greeted with.

Benny hasn’t said much, but his concern is more than obvious.

I know that she’s relapsed and is in the hospital.

It’s my fault.

It’s my fucking fault, and the guilt is eating me whole.

I thought I was doing the right thing, letting her go. I was giving her a chance to start over. To finally leave me in the past where I belong.

Dragging my hand over my face, I stare out the window, feeling Benny’s stare from beside me.

I had no idea that he’d already planned this. That he had booked two one-way tickets to Texas and that he was fully expecting me to do exactly what I did—shove a handful of things into a bag and run for the front door.

He might have wanted to hear me confess to my feelings for Ella. But really, he didn’t need to. He knew.

“It’s only an hour from the airport.”

“That’s too far,” I say quietly.

I’ve spent every second of the past few weeks trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. The pain in my chest, the longing, the grief over losing her hasn’t left me for a single moment.

But I was holding strong because I stupidly believed that I was right, even while everyone around me was telling me that I was the world’s biggest idiot.

My head spins as all my fears over forcing my life and my issues on someone else run rampant, but for once, they’re not my biggest fear.

Right now, the most terrifying thing is Ella’s condition.

Benny has refused to give me details. I’m hoping that he’s just trying to scare me, but I’m terrified that it’s because she’s bad and he doesn’t think I can handle the truth.

I slam my eyes closed, unable to continue even thinking about it.

Focusing on my breathing, I think about Ella.

I can still vividly remember the first time I saw her. She was like an angel with her golden hair and sexy curves.

She was dancing like no one was watching. But I was, and I was fucking enthralled.

She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. What I didn’t know that night was that she was equally as beautiful on the inside.

Everything about her is perfect.

She’s smart, funny, caring. She’s everything.

Exactly the kind of woman I always told myself I didn’t deserve. That I couldn’t have.

“What if she doesn’t want to see me?” I blurt, unable to keep the burning question inside any longer.

She has every right to take one look at me and turn me away.

Hell, after all the shit I’ve pulled, it’s exactly what she should do.

But this is Ella.

My Ella.

Curling my fists tightly, I embrace the sharp pain as my nails dig into my palms.

It’s nowhere near enough to ground me right now.

Benny continues to study me, silently considering my question and putting me on edge even more.

Most people would tell me that it’s going to be okay, that she’ll be happy to see me. But apparently, that isn’t how Benny rolls.

Instead, he hits me with the truth.

The painful fucking truth.

“She might not.”

His words are like a punch to the gut, and all the air comes rushing out of my lungs.

“Fair,” I confess.

“Colt, I fucking hate you for what you’ve done to her. Everything she’s going through right now is because of you. A lot of the pain she’s suffered in the past has also been because of you.”

Jesus, kid. Say it as it is, why don’t you?

Just when I think more evidence about what a shitty human being I am is going to come spilling out of his mouth, he changes tact.

“But, I have also never seen my sister smile like she does when she’s with you. I’ve seen every side of Ella. But I’m more used to the sad side. Growing up, it was really fucking hard standing on the sidelines and watching her suffer, knowing that I couldn’t do anything about it.She’s got that same sadness in her eyes now.

“But it wasn’t there when she was with you.Every image I’ve seen of the two of you together is like seeing my real sister again. The happy-go-lucky little girl she was before her illness took hold.

“You’ve fucked up. There’s a very good chance that I’ll never let you forget that, but I also…” He sighs, staring at the seat in front of him with sadness and despair etched into every inch of his face. “I just want my sister back. I want to see her smile and laugh. I want happiness for her, Colt. And despite everything, I think you’re the only one who can give it to her.”

“What if I can’t?”

“What if you can? What if you can pull your head out of your ass and focus on her instead of yourself? You’ve got a life, a career, I fucking get it. But there is enough space for her there too.”

“Fitting her into my life isn’t the issue here.”

“So what is?”

“Hurting her,” I say, refusing to look at him as shame swallows me whole.

“But you already are. Don’t you fucking see that?”

My heart twists up, stopping me from breathing.

“All she wants is you. She doesn’t give a shit about the baggage you come with. She just wants you. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find?”

I shake my head, unable to process all of this while I’m so fucking scared.

“Fucking unicorn-shit rare, man.”

The plane jolts as it touches down and we both lurch forward.

We’re down.

I’m in Texas.

My heart begins to race as I think about being this close to my girl after all these long, painful weeks.

Pressing my hand to my chest, I fight to drag the air I need in as everyone around me begins shifting around, getting ready to disembark.

“Get up,” I demand when Benny just sits there, waiting patiently.

“What?” he asks, giving me a double take.

“Get the fuck up. We’re getting off this plane the second they open the doors.

“B-but?—”

Refusing to listen to any more, I push to my feet and climb over him.

I don’t give a shit that both of us are too big to sit in the seats properly, or that I bash my head more times than I care to count as I make a show of getting into the aisle.

More than a few sets of eyes turn my way, and the majority of them flash with recognition.

Fuck.

Usually, being recognized and asked for autographs and photographs doesn’t bother me. It’s just a part of the job and a way to thank fans for their support. If it weren’t for them, none of this would exist.

But right now, attention from anyone is the last thing I want.

“Oh my god, it’s Colton Rogers,” someone calls from behind me as I race down the aisle, the plane continuing to taxi toward our arrival gate.

The second the flight attendants catch sight of my movement, their expressions harden.

“Sir, the seat belt sign is still on. You can’t be?—”

“Could I get an autograph?” a little kid in the seat beside me asks sweetly.

“Uh…”

I look between the little boy and the pissed-off flight attendant.

He clearly isn’t a football fan; there isn’t a hint of recognition in his eyes.

That’s cool. Not everyone is into sports, but I could really do with someone who has some kind of idea to help me out right now.

Another member of staff leans forward and whispers something in the guy’s ear. I have no idea what she says—I’m too busy turning to the kid to sign his activity book. But whatever it is, it works, and they allow me to stand in their area at the back of the plane and wait for the doors to open.

After demanding that Benny join me, the woman goes to get him and delivers him to me.

“How the fuck did you do that?” Benny asks.

“When you’re in the NFL, you’ll understand.” I wink like an arrogant asshole.

I expect him to razz me for the attitude, but he doesn’t. Instead, his lips pull into a wide smile.

“When?” he asks.

“Yeah, man. I’ve watched your tapes. There’s no question about it.”

His mouth opens and closes like a fish. He doesn’t get a chance to respond, because one of the flight attendants finally opens the door and I take off running down the stairs and into the terminal.

“Colt,” Benny calls from behind me.

“You wanna make it, bro, you gotta keep up with the pros.”

M y wide stride eats up the long hallway that Benny assures me will lead me to Ella.

There is no one down the entire length of the building.

All I can hear are my sneakers squeaking on the floor and my heaving breaths.

“Down here on the left,” Benny says from behind me.

My heart slams against my chest at the thought of having to face her after everything I’ve put her through.

She’s only here because of you.

You’re the same as your mother.

You ruin lives without even trying.

“No,” I cry, forcing that little voice from my head. It’s easier said than done after a lifetime of listening to it.

But I’ve got to try.

I’ve got to try harder.

For her.

For Ella.

My Ella.

I storm through the double doors that lead to the ward she’s on and scan the space and the nurses behind the desk.

Benny continues to bark directions, and I take off right before pulling to a very abrupt stop the second my eyes land on the woman waiting at the very end.

Benny isn’t paying any attention and slams straight into my back as I stand frozen, staring at his mom.

The last time I saw Angie…

Fuck. The less I think about that, the better.

I swallow nervously, but it does very little to dislodge the messy lump of emotion stuck in my throat.

Ella is on the other side of that door.

My chest heaves as I silently plead for Angie to let me pass.

I’ve no idea if Benny told her what he was doing. For all I know, she doesn’t want me anywhere near her daughter.

The walls around me begin to close in and my hands tremble as reality hits harder than ever before.

I need her.

I need her so fucking bad, and right now, she needs me just as much.

“Angie, I’m so?—”

The door behind her opens and two nurses silently slip out.

They pause when they see me but quickly glance at Angie, who nods.

Happy that I’m allowed to be here, they walk around me and disappear.

“You can go in,” Angie says simply.

“Is she?—”

“She’s sleeping right now, but you can sit with her.”

I stare at her, both desperate to ask her all the questions and to barge past her to get to my girl instead.

“Go,” Benny hisses, spurring me on.

I race forward with my heart in my throat and my hands trembling violently.

I’ve still got no idea what’s happening, but I do know that I need to be with her.

She sat beside my bed hour after hour and supported me.

I owe her the same and so much more.

Pushing the door open, I march inside and immediately find her lying in the middle of a white sterile bed.

She’s tiny. Too fucking tiny.

Bile rushes up my throat at the physical sight of what I’ve done, and before I get a chance to be at her side, I run into the attached bathroom and drop to my knees in front of the toilet.

After purging myself of all my regrets, I rinse my mouth and then walk toward my girl.

“Hey, Bombshell,” I say, my voice thick with emotion as I reach for her warm hand and lift her knuckles to my lips. “I’m sorry, Ella. I’m so fucking sorry.”