9. Maddox

“Where the fuck is the coffee?” I grumbled out loud, slamming the cupboards closed. I was lucky yesterday. My old man hadn’t come home, and I spent the afternoon going over all the financials I could get my hands on. The more I read, the more my new plan solidified in my mind.

But today was a new day, and I woke up hungry and in desperate need of a caffeine fix. Being in this place set every last nerve ending on edge. I fucking hated it here. I wanted to burn this whole fucking place to the ground like it deserved.

Instead, I decided to play the long game. Setting this ranch on fire would be satisfying, and I could move on more quickly, but Russell deserved worse. He deserved to know exactly how little he meant to me.

With my tentative plans swirling in my mind, I jumped in the shower and threw on my uniform black jeans, black t-shirt, and black boots. Not practical in the Texas heat, but signature style usually wasn’t a practical thing. This was small-town Texas, but that didn’t mean fans or paparazzi weren’t lurking around the corner with a phone pointed in my direction. No matter what was going on in my life, I had an image to maintain. One I’d worked too goddamn hard to shape to have it threatened by anything.

I sighed heavily before tossing a black baseball hat on my head and shoving a pair of aviators on my face. I couldn’t remember the last time I went to a grocery store on my own. I had people who did that mundane shit for me now. And in this small of a town, people gossiped and stopped you as you walked around because no one could mind their own goddamn business. I figured it’d be too much to hope I could get in and out without talking to anyone.

Calling my driver, I scrolled through social media while I waited for him to pick me up. Ryan hadn’t posted anything new since I saw her yesterday. I looked at the picture of her and her boyfriend at least a dozen times, trying to figure out what she saw in him. Even though I pushed her away, deep down, I still felt like she was mine.

I knew I didn’t deserve her, that I’d never had her, but that didn’t stop the possessive part of my brain from feeling enraged that someone else had taken her from me. I had no one to blame but myself, but thinking in this way wasn’t doing anything to help my already fucked up mood. I’d need to avoid Ryan as long as I was here. When I got home, I’d have to do what I’d done for the past twelve years: bury myself in pussy, alcohol, and music until I forgot anything else existed.

I looked up from my phone just as the black SUV pulled into the short driveway. Hopping inside, I looked out the window as we drove the ten miles into town. Town was a generous word for this place. There was a grocery store, a diner, a motel, a post office, and a bar. There wasn’t even one stoplight. I hated everything about it.

Pulling into the grocery store, I took in the mostly full parking lot with disgust. If this tiny shithole of a town had any decent restaurant fare or meal delivery service, I’d never step foot in this market, throwing myself at the mercy of the local rumor mill. But a man had to eat, so I’d endure it even if it sort of made me want to throat punch everyone who looked my way.

And of course, because I was in a blacked-out SUV with a driver, every goddamn head turned in my direction the minute we pulled into the parking lot. So much for keeping my trip low key. Grinding my teeth, I threw open the door and slid out of the backseat. I checked my pockets quickly to make sure I had everything then slammed the door shut, probably harder than I needed to. I didn’t bring a list with me, but I knew I needed food and I needed coffee so I’d try to get in and get out as fast as I could. I’d keep my head down and try to ignore the stares burning into my back from every direction, too.

Grabbing a basket, I glanced around quickly to get my bearings. It didn’t look like anything had changed about this store since I was a kid, which meant I still knew where everything was. Right after my mom left, Russell made it clear buying food was my responsibility, so once a week, he’d drop me off at the store while he went to the bar down the road and drank for a couple of hours before he’d pick me back up. I spent so much time here, all the cashiers knew me by name, and I had every aisle memorized.

Striding toward aisle five for the coffee, I almost bumped into someone. I tried to step around her, but she moved to stand in my way. “Maddox?” she asked.

I glanced up, pulling off my sunglasses when I took in her familiar dark brown hair, now streaked with more silver than I remembered. “Mrs. Knight, it’s good to see you,” I said, smiling at Ryan’s mom. It was good to see her, and she was one of only a couple of friendly faces I wouldn’t mind bumping into while I was here.

“Wow, haven’t you grown into a handsome man?” she teased. “The pictures don’t do you justice.”

I chuckled. “How’s life, Mrs. K?”

“Please, Maddox. I’ve told you a thousand times to call me Shannon.”

“Sorry, Shannon. It’s been a long time. How have you been?”

“Well, all my girls are healthy, so I really can’t complain too much. I’ve gotta say I’m surprised to see you back here. Is everything alright?” she asked, concern lacing her features.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, uncomfortable with her scrutiny, even if I knew she didn’t mean anything by it. I wasn’t used to opening up about personal shit to anyone. Ever.

“Joel called me about a few issues with the ranch, so I thought I’d come down and help for a couple of weeks.” I tried to be vague because no one could know my plans yet, but I told as much of the truth as possible. I respected Shannon, but more than that, I liked her. She’d always been good to me growing up.

“Oh, well, I bet Ryan will be happy to see you,” she teased, a smile crossing her face.

“Uh, yeah. Maybe. How has she been?” I hadn’t dared ask Ryan herself, but I thought it’d be safer to ask her mom. I was starving for any scrap of information about the woman I’d been obsessed with since I was twelve years old.

Her forehead wrinkled a little before a small smile popped back onto her lips. “Funny you should ask. She sat us down this morning and let us know she’s getting married, and in just a month. Will you still be here? I’m sure she’d love it if you came.”

My heart stuttered and then slammed against my chest as pain ripped through my entire body. I couldn’t have heard her right. Ryan was getting married? I listened to the words, but my brain was having a hard time processing what they meant.

“Maybe,” I managed to mutter, surprised I still had the ability to speak a goddamn word out loud with how it felt like my body was collapsing in on itself. I glanced down at the dark screen of my phone, pretending I got an important message. I looked up at Shannon with what I hoped would pass for an apologetic expression, even though it probably looked more like I was losing my shit.

“I’ve got to go. It was nice to see you, Shannon.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Are you okay, Maddox? You don’t look very well.”

“I’m fine. Maybe I’ll see you again before I leave.” My head started to spin, and a cold sweat had broken all over my body. I didn’t stay and wait for her response, I had to get out. I spun on my heel, dropped the basket to the ground with a loud bang, and practically sprinted for the exit.

My mind was a mess, I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart felt like it was being torn out of my chest. The pain was so intense, I stumbled, trying to get out of the store, and my chest heaved with the effort to pull fresh air into my lungs. But nothing helped.

I couldn’t breathe.

How could I have let this happen? I thought letting her go was the right thing to do, but I never considered what I’d do if she actually moved on.

And now she was marrying someone else? No one else would love her like I did. No one else could give her the kind of life I could. She was my best friend. But I threw it all away. I’d never hated myself more. I did this. Me. I had no one to blame for this misery but myself.

My eyes stung. Fuck. I would not cry. Especially not in public. I learned when I was a kid to never let anyone know they affected me. I endured bone-cracking beatings that left me battered and bruised and never shed a tear. I watched my mom walk away and leave me behind, and my dad tell me he wished she aborted me and not broken down.

But this? This would wreck me. My heart would never recover. And her mom expected me to actually watch her walk down the aisle to another man? I’d fucking murder him. I couldn’t do it. There was no goddamn way I could endure it.

Why was the air so thick? My hands were tingling because I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Was I hyperventilating? I had no idea. All I knew was I felt like I was going to pass out. I needed to get the fuck out of here, and I needed a drink.

But most of all? I needed her.

I couldn’t have her, though. I burned that bridge a long time ago and reinforced it yesterday. Even if I tried to make it right, to explain to her how I did this all for her, she’d never want me after the way I treated her. Right now, I needed help. I never asked for help. I was the one everyone came to when they wanted shit handled, but I had no idea what to do.

With a shaking hand, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted True.

Maddox: I need you guys.

True: When & where?

Maddox: Texas and now.

True: Give us a couple of hours.

Maddox: Bring all the alcohol.

True: ...you got it.

I exhaled a shaky breath and slid my phone back into my pocket as I climbed into the back seat of the waiting SUV without the groceries I came for. I’d deal with it later. “Drop me at home,” I demanded. I’d have to deal with myself for a couple of hours until the guys showed up. I couldn’t risk getting fucked up at the bar. Odds were either someone Russell knew would be there and recognize me, or I’d end up with a shitty picture on some tabloid by tomorrow morning.

Nope, I’d have to wait until True, Zen, and probably Connor got here. The two of them were into all that romance shit, and Connor would knock some sense into me. Maybe I could still salvage this.

Looking back on all my decisions when it came to Ryan, I realized how colossally I fucked up. She’d always been there, waiting for me to pull my head out of my ass and claim her as mine. But I pushed her away one too many times, and she finally gave up on me. Now it was my turn to show her I wouldn’t give up on her.