10. Maddox

"I don't understand," True said, his words slurring together. "If Jericho were here, he'd know how to explain it."

Zen brought his glass to his lips, sloshing a little bit out of his cup in the process before slurping another sip of his drink. "My wife demanded he stay. Sorry." He didn't sound sorry at all as a crooked smile broke out on his face.

Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose. We'd already gone over this again and again for the past hour. Now that the alcohol was buzzing through my veins and my thoughts weren't nearly as clear, it was getting harder to answer their questions and focus on the details.

And on top of that, the numbness I was used to from the whiskey hadn't happened this time. No, this time, the pain had gotten worse because that was just my fucking lot in life. My stomach turned, and the sharp stabbing in my chest got worse as I focused on it. Instead, I tried to push it aside and explain why I cut Ryan out of my life.

"Man, you didn't see the way she looked at me back then. We were just kids, and we kissed, and when I realized what happened, I looked down at her, and she was looking at me like I was her goddamn hero. Like I was the only person in the entire fucking world, and I couldn't handle it. I knew if I didn't get the fuck out of here, I'd drag her down with me. The same blood flows in my veins as my old man, and I watched him destroy my mom. He tore her apart piece by piece until she couldn't stand to look at either one of us. The day she left, I knew she blamed me for keeping her tied to him. I refused to do that to Ryan. So I made the choice for her, and I left."

Eyes burned into the side of my face, and I turned to find Connor studying me. He hadn't said much this entire evening, but he sipped his drink and observed like he always did. I wasn't sure if he came along for my benefit or for Zen's since Kennedy was six months pregnant, and they couldn't stand to be away from each other. I was surprised he came at all.

"Dude, that's pretty fucked up. You didn't give her any say in the decision?" Zen asked.

"No, I couldn't. She was fourteen at the time, and I had the only chance I'd probably ever get to get out of here. I couldn't take her with me, but I could have told her I was going or asked her to wait for me. But don't you see how fucking unfair that would've been? I had no idea things would turn out like they did." I raked my hand through my hair, absently noting how my fingertips tingled.

"Well, now she's getting married. You have to tell her how you feel," True announced, standing up from his seat and swaying before throwing his arms out to the side to balance himself.

"True's right, Mad. This might be your only chance to make things right. Now everything makes fucking sense. You've been a goddamn nightmare for ten years, and it's all been over a girl. I never would have guessed," Zen mused, sipping his drink.

"What if she hates me? I've seen her once in twelve years, and I was a complete dick to her," I whispered, my words slurring together even to my own ears. I set my drink down on the table, standing up. The room tilted and swayed but thankfully hadn't started to spin.

"She doesn't hate you. She brought you your favorite cookies as soon as she saw you were back. That girl loves you, asshole. Christ knows why," Connor responded, rolling his eyes.

True stepped around the coffee table and gripped my arm, yanking me toward the door. "Where are we going?" I asked, stumbling after him.

"Do you want to be with this girl?" Zen asked, trailing behind us.

I nodded reluctantly, blowing out a breath that burned on the way out. I bet if I blew against a match right now, it'd light my breath on fire, the alcohol was so strong. "More than anything. I've never been able to let her go."

"Holy fuck. Is she why you've never been with the same girl more than once?" True asked, his eyes going wide.

I nodded again, avoiding all three pairs of eyes focused on me right now by looking at the swaying floor. "I never wanted to risk getting involved with someone else. I think deep down I always hoped I could find a way to show her I'd be good enough for her." Ugh, I fucking hated admitting feelings shit out loud. It made me twitchy.

"You're going to tell her right now how you feel and why you've shut her out for so long. This is your chance, bro. Do not fuck it up." True opened the screen door so hard it banged against the siding, and I winced at the loud noise cutting through the quiet country night. I forgot how quiet life could be out on the ranch with only the crickets making noise.

My heart rate picked up until it was slamming against my chest, and my hands were clammy. "Right now? There's no way she'd hear me out after the way I've acted for the past twelve goddamn years. I'm sure she's aware of my well-earned reputation. And I'm too fucked up to drive, and it's too far to walk in the dark," I protested.

Zen and Connor followed us outside, and True stopped short as Zen almost plowed into my back. "What the fuck, True?" Zen asked, and I wasn't sure either one of them had listened to a word of my drunken rambling.

True twisted his nose ring for a second before he clapped his hands. "Horses!"

He grabbed my arm again and yanked me forward as he took off toward the barn. "What the fuck do horses have to do with anything?" I asked, but True ignored me. Zen was practically giggling behind me. I smirked as I glanced over my shoulder, stumbling against the hard-packed dirt ground. Zen had always been a fun drunk. It was why, until I met Connor, he was my favorite wingman.

The smell of musty old hay and just straight up farm animal hit my nostrils as we crossed the threshold into the barn. True dragged me up to the stable where one of Russell's horses was and flung the door open. The horse startled and made a noise that had all of us backing up and away from him. I may have been drunk, but I was in no mood to have my face kicked in by a horse.

True's unfocused gaze landed on me. "Do you remember how to ride one of these things?" he asked, pointing at the horse in front of us.

"It's gotta be like riding a bike, right?" Zen giggled.

I rolled my eyes again and stepped closer to the horse, reaching my hand out in front of me and waiting for him to come to me. He eyed us warily before snorting and slowly stepping toward me, touching his fuzzy nose against my hand. I rubbed his nose a few times before walking into the stall and grabbing the gear to get him ready to ride.

Once I had the horse saddled up, I led him out into the barn. "What am I supposed to say to her?"

"You stop being a fucking coward and tell her the goddamn truth," Connor growled.

I bristled at his harsh words, then quickly deflated. He was right. "Fine, help me up," I said, my words still slurring together. I briefly wondered if tomorrow this would seem like such a good idea, but now I was determined. I felt like if I didn't tell Ryan how I felt, I'd never get another chance. I lost her officially, she agreed to be another man's wife, and it would destroy me to let her go, but maybe there was still a sliver of hope that she'd hear what I had to say.

Maybe she'd been feeling like she was missing her other half all these years like I'd been feeling half of me was missing, too. I was too afraid to hope that she'd actually want to be with me, but maybe I could convince her to stop and consider giving me a chance. I knew I'd have to earn the right to call her mine, especially after how I'd acted. But I was ready to try.

I couldn't believe I'd gotten to this point where I actually wanted to be with someone more than I wanted my next breath, but here I was. It took the threat of losing her to another man to snap me out of my idiocy.

I grabbed the saddle and tried to lift myself into the seat, falling on my ass on the hard ground instead. The room swayed again, but Connor reached down and pulled me up. Zen was bent over, laughing his ass off, and I glared in his direction. Or at least I think I glared. I couldn't feel a lot of my face, so I wasn't sure. It didn't really matter either way because he wasn't paying attention.

I stuck my foot in the stirrup and grabbed the saddle again, but this time True and Connor both helped me balance and braced me as I hauled myself up with a grunt. I swung my leg over, and when the stallion shifted impatiently, I leaned forward. I grabbed onto his neck to avoid falling, slipping my hands into his coarse hair and grabbing on with both fists.

"I'm going to fall and break my fucking neck," I grumbled into the horse's fur.

"You'll be fine," True assured me, slapping the horse on his haunches and sending us out into the night at a trot. I had my eyes closed, but I knew I had to steer the horse, so I gingerly sat up and grabbed the reins, leading us toward the house that I could only see in the dark night because of its porch light.

The ride felt like it took forever, and I wasn't feeling great by the end of it. I'd be lucky if all the swaying didn't make me throw up as I tried to profess my feelings to the only girl I ever loved, but still, I kept going because goddamnit I had to try. I already waited too long, and True was right. I wasn't waiting any longer.

I pulled back on the reins in Ryan's front yard, hopping down and steadying myself against Hex's side until the ground held mostly still. I took a few deep breaths of the still warm and humid as fuck air. Even at one a.m., the Texas heat was stifling.

I remembered her bedroom from when she was a kid, and I hadn't stopped to consider that she might have moved or that her fiance might be in there with her. My fists clenched as I thought about another man sharing her bed, worshiping her body. My blood started to boil, and I had to take a few more deep breaths. Fuck, I messed up.

Her window was dark, and I stood off to the side so I wouldn't freak her out when she woke up and saw me standing right outside. When we were kids, I'd always stand off to the side because I never wanted to scare her. I tapped gently on the glass with my knuckle and waited to see if she'd wake up. A few seconds passed, and nothing happened, so I knocked again louder.

I could barely make out movement in the darkness of her room, but then there she was, in a tiny tank top and shorts, her hair messy from sleep staring down at me with wide, tired eyes. She lifted the window and leaned outside, and I couldn't help myself. I dropped my eyes to her tits, which were practically spilling out of her top. My cock and I were in agreement: Ryan had grown into a fucking stunning woman with curves in all the right places. I ached to be inside her, but I pushed my hunger aside. Ryan would never be a quick fuck.

Her orange-vanilla scent slammed into me, a familiar warmth wrapped around me as I was transported back to hot summer days spent with cold popsicles and the girl of my dreams. Her scent hadn't changed in the past twelve years, and the nerves I'd been feeling about talking to her instantly calmed down when I breathed her in.

"Maddox?" Her voice was so breathless and husky it immediately made me hard. She sounded sleepy and maybe like she'd been crying. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm so fucking sorry, Ryan," I started.

She sighed. "Are you drunk?"

"Maybe a little but I have so much I need to say to you, I couldn't wait until tomorrow," I said, leaning against the house's side to keep myself upright.

"Come in," she whispered, moving back to let me climb in. I grabbed the window frame and pulled myself up, but I wasn't coordinated enough to get inside on my own. She grabbed my forearms and helped drag me into her room. I collapsed onto the floor with a thud, and she glanced at her door nervously. I hoped her dad didn't come barging in with his shotgun. He liked me when we were kids, but things were different now.

I hurt his little girl, and I had a reputation no dad would want for his daughter.

She shut the window and moved to sit on the edge of her bed, staring down at me with her big, beautiful brown eyes. She was giving me a chance to talk, waiting for me like she always had. I was such an idiot to push her away. Ryan was way too fucking good for me.

The words started pouring out of me like they'd been on the tip of my tongue, waiting to escape and confess all my sins. "I never should have left without saying goodbye. I couldn't stay, but you didn't deserve that."

"Why did you leave like that?" she wondered, her fingers playing with the hem of her tank top.

Exhaling deeply, my shoulders slumped. I moved to sit up and lean against the wall before I let myself admit out loud how much I really fucked up. "Do you remember the night before I left?"

She scoffed and folded her arms across her chest as hurt flashed in her eyes. "Of course I remember. You gave me my first kiss and then took off as if you'd been shot. Then I never saw you again. Well, until yesterday."

I lowered my head, unable to take the hurt in her eyes. I could never tell her it hurt me just as badly as it did her for me to walk away, but I was trying to protect her from me. She'd deserved better back then. Honestly, she still deserved better.

"You'll never know how fucking sorry I am for that, but I hope you can believe me when I say I thought I was doing it to protect you."

She stood up and crossed the room, lowering herself to her knees so she was sitting right in front of me. She reached out and cupped my cheek with her soft hand, lifting my head so that she could look into my eyes. "I believe that. You were always my best protector, Maddox."

I leaned into her touch, never looking away from her intense stare. "I just want to know why you never called or wrote or texted. Why you completely shut me out," she softly demanded.

Reaching up, I wrapped my fingers around her wrist, stroking her soft skin with my thumb as her palm rested on my cheek. Now that she'd touched me, I never wanted her to stop. "I knew I'd never be good enough for you, Ryan. You deserve so much better than me. What if I-"

My voice had gone gruff, and I struggled to get the words out without the emotion overtaking me, my throat clogging, and my eyes starting to sting.

"Shh," she soothed. "I know you better than you think, Maddox Everleigh. There was never a chance you would turn out like him. You're good and kind in here," she said, moving her other hand to rest her palm on my chest over my heart.

The kindness and certainty in her eyes made my chest warm under her palm. A tear slipped down my cheek before I lowered my head into my hands and started sobbing uncontrollably. Fuck, when was the last time I cried? I came here to apologize and beg Ryan to give me a second chance, and here I was, breaking down on her bedroom floor instead.

Instead of being horrified by me like she should've been, she wrapped her arms around me. She held me close to her warm body while I cried, whispering comforting words into my hair, running her fingers through it like she used to do when we were kids, and I ran to her house after my dad beat the shit out of me. She'd always been my safe place, my refuge.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, and she leaned back, standing up. She grabbed my hand and pulled me up with her. She silently crossed the room and slid into her bed, pulling back the covers and patting the spot next to her. I couldn't believe she wanted me to stay after everything I did to hurt her.

I wasn't going to miss out on any opportunity to spend more time with her. Lowering myself unsteadily to the bed, I untied my boots and pulled them off before moving under the blanket and laying flat on my back. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her close to me the whole night, but she didn't belong to me yet, and I wouldn't disrespect her that way.

Instead, I reached out and wrapped my pinky around hers before closing my eyes. Now that I'd unlocked the vault of my feelings, there was no going back. No shoving shit back inside. If she married another man at this point, I was pretty sure it'd destroy me.