4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Of soft songs and little kicking feet

The first breath of fresh air after the long car ride to Hawk's place left Aaron leaning against the bumper of his rented SUV, half doubled over and coughing because his lungs weren't used to anything this pure. There were more stars out here too, a ring of towering treetops creating a fringed frame for this slice of sky. Peaceful, it was beautiful in a way the city never was. A firefly flitted past, its glowing light a soft reminder of his childhood days. Inhaling deeply, Aaron closed his eyes and sent up a silent plea that someday, he'd remember only those good moments, and not all the shitty things that haunted him.

Shrill wails broke the silence of the night, and Aaron jumped, shocked into action. They grew louder as he hurried to the door, nearly drowning out the chime of the bell when he rang it. The sight that greeted Aaron when Hawk finally answered was something that had to be seen to be believed. A glob of something that resembled orange mashed potatoes clung to the gray t-shirt Hawk wore, several other stains forming an impressive collection on the worn cloth. There was something caught in his hair that looked an awful lot like a chunk of green bean, and a juice stain in the shape of a tiny handprint marred the skin on the right side of his neck. The toddler kicking and rocking against Hawk's shoulder brought back memories of Loony Tunes cartoons and the Tasmanian Devil. All that was missing was froth and gnashing teeth.

"Sorry," Hawk shouted over the tantrum. "Dani is having a complete meltdown tonight. Nothing I say, do, or attempt to feed her has done anything but piss her off more. I'm at my wit's end here."

"Then it's a good thing uncle Aaron is here for the weekend," Aaron replied, reaching for Dani.

Hawk's eyes went wide. "You can't seriously want to take her right now."

Aaron just kept his arms out, waiting for Hawk to make up his mind. "Why not? Looks like you need a break."

"It's your funeral," Hawk remarked, passing over the hollering bundle of pigtails and bad temper.

She managed to kick Aaron a couple times before he got one arm behind her knees, holding her tight enough to ensure she didn't flail out of his arms and onto the hardwood floor. Gently, he rocked side to side, hoping to sooth her.

"Now, what's got you so riled up tonight princess?"

Instead of yelling over the noise, he lowered his voice, murmuring into her ear low enough that she'd have to stop screaming if she really wanted to hear anything. Too bad listening didn't seem to be high on her list of priorities right now.

"Sounds like you're so upset you don't even know why you're crying," Aaron cooed. "And that's okay. It happens to all of us sometimes, especially when it's a whole bunch of things all rolled up together. Is that what happened? Did you get overwhelmed? Or did you refuse to take your nap again?"

"Both," Hawk grumbled, securing the door behind them as Aaron carried Dani towards the living room.

"Where are the other two?"

"Protesting all the noise by playing in Liam's room."

Aaron chuckled at that. "How long has she been at it?"

"On and off all day. I have literally tried everything, including several attempts at bribery."

"How'd that work out for you?"

"She's eaten one bowl of ice cream with sprinkles, one cup of pudding with sprinkles, exactly one fourth of a peanut butter sandwich that I refused to put sprinkles on, which caused the third meltdown of the afternoon, oh, and she found a brand-new hiding spot and scared me half to death when I couldn't find her after the first time I tried putting her down for a nap."

Given the circumstances, it shouldn't be funny, but as Aaron swayed, turning with a still raging Dani in his arms, he caught sight of a dusting of sprinkles in a smear of dried ice cream on Hawk's jeans.

"Man, she made a mess outta you."

Hawk looked down at himself, snickered and shook his head. "If you think this is bad, you should see my kitchen."

"What were you thinking, giving her so much sugar? It's no wonder she won't go to sleep."

"At the time I wasn't thinking about the sugar content, just hoping for a positive result."

"And we can both see how that worked out for you."

"Yeah, yeah," Hawk grumbled, turning, and starting to pick up the mess of toys and blankets scattered around the living room. "Just see if you can get her to sleep, please."

Aaron carried her over by the window, where she could see the moon once she settled down. If she settled down. Maybe all the hollering, kicking, and squirming was burning off the sugar and they should just set her down and let her rage it all out of her system. Only, there was probably a chance she'd hurt herself, being so small and the floor so hard, so maybe holding on to her was the best idea.

"Now how can I tell you the story of the fairy queen if you keep kicking and screaming," he murmured. "Come on little one, don't you wanna hear the story?"

"No stories!"

O-kay.

Her attempts at kicking intensified as she screeched one word over and over again. "Sing! Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing."

Guess he was singing then.

"Okay, princess, I'll sing you a song, but you've got to settle down in order to hear it."

She didn't reply, at least not verbally, but her sniffles and whines grew softer and her struggling lessoned, so that would just have to be good enough.

Little princess of the stars

Ruler of Earth, Venus, and Mars

The sun is gone, the worlds asleep,

Is that why you sob and weep?

Close your eyes and smell the rain,

Dream of rainbows and lion's manes.

Roar your last and sleep awhile,

Rest peacefully you precious child.

He hummed the tune, then sang it again, adding another verse.

Little princess of the clouds

Where thunder rumbles high and loud

The storm around you is filled with rage

The earth below an unruly cage

Is that why you refuse to sleep

Or sink beneath the blankets, deep

On this night of endless rains

I'll sing to you to ease your pain

At least he had her attention now. Her little fingers were tangled in his hair, while her face pressed his damp t-shirt to the sticky skin beneath. Tears, snot, he didn't want to spend too much time thinking about what was soaking him or he'd probably cringe and beg for a wet wipe. He could deal with it later, once she was completely down for the count.

Aaron rocked, he sang, he paced in front of the window, rubbed her back and felt the little one getting limper and limper in his arms. Dani's soft snores were such a huge contrast to her angry screeching that it was like she was a completely different child. Maybe they were all different people when they slept, better, or at least, at peace with themselves and the world.

"Come on, you can put her in her bed," Hawk whispered.

He'd silently moved in and out of the room while Aaron had been singing to Dani, toys and laundry in his arms, clean pieces fresh from the dryer that he'd sat folding while Dani had finally settled down. Now, Hawk led him down the front hall to Dani's lavender room and the railed bed lined with squishy pillowlike toys. Aaron laid her down, still humming the song, but it was Hawk who tucked her in, kissed her on the forehead, and made sure Mr. Whiskers was placed securely beside her, pinned in place by her arm.

They backed out of the room as silently as they could manage, the nightlight casting silver moons and stars on the ceilings and walls. Neither made a sound until they were back in the living room, collapsing side by side on the couch with heavy sighs.

"Holy shit, and I thought performing in front of sixty thousand people was difficult," Aaron murmured, chuckling a little as he turned his head to stare at Hawk. Even ruffled and food covered, he was gorgeous. When those brilliant blue eyes met his, it was all Aaron could do to remember how to breathe.

"It is. This is just a whole other level of hard," Hawk admitted, reaching to touch Aaron's cheek.

"You can say that again," Aaron said, nuzzling into that gentle caress. "I envy you though."

Snorting, Hawk dropped his hand back into his lap and shook his head. "I highly doubt that."

"Then you're not listening."

In the silence that followed, Aaron continued to study Hawk, noting the wariness on his face and the tiny lines at the corners of his eyes that hadn't been there the last time they'd been together. There was a dark hue beneath them too, like the man wasn't getting nearly enough sleep, which, when Aaron tried to imagine all he did from sunrise to sunset, taking care of the cabin and the kids, he was certain he'd be exhausted too.

"You're serious right now," Hawk remarked, breaking eye contact with him.

"Yeah. I am."

"Alright, what the hell is going on with you!"

Hawk snapping at him made him flinch and wonder what the hell he'd done to shift the mood. "Why does something have to be going on for me to wish I had a life like yours?" Aaron asked, hand hovering in the space between them, wanting to touch, but not sure Hawk would welcome it.

"Our lives were exactly the same, up until a couple months ago."

"They were never the same," Aaron insisted. "You always had a closeness with your brother that I envied. You've been part of normal family things. Birthdays and holidays and seeing the kids grow up."

"You were always welcome to join me."

"I know. And the times I took you up on it were amazing, I just, always felt like I was intruding."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"'Cause it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with my issues," Aaron replied. "Besides, I'd always tell myself that next year would be different. That I'd find something that didn't have anything to do with music and it would fill the hole the songs never could. But here we are."

"Yeah, the only difference is, you have a choice, and I don't have that any longer," Hawk murmured, reaching for Aaron's hand and giving it a small squeeze before releasing it again. "You've still got a chance to find everything you've been searching for."

Aaron snorted and let his head roll against the back of the couch until his neck cracked. "Maybe I've already found it."

"If that's the truth, then what are you doing here?"

Glaring, Aaron raised his hands then let them drop back into his lap, fumbling with the tangle of words that whirled through his mind. How to explain that the only place he ever felt good, safe, sane and at peace with himself, was when he was wrapped up in Hawk's arms? How to make him see that Aaron was tired of random hookups, tired of looking into eyes that weren't Hawk's, tired of searching for what they'd had between them when they weren't determined to make a mess of it?

Swallowing hard, he stared at the floor, licked his lips, and offered the one thing he could verbalize. "I wish you'd let me stay longer than a weekend."

Hawk grumbled, shifting his weight, bouncing the cushions a little. "Hiding out here isn't going to fix anything between you and Kelly, or stymie your thirst for performing, at least not for long."

"I don't crave it the way I used to. It's not even my favorite drug anymore."

"I know. I heard weed was. I hope you didn't bring any up here."

"Hell no."

They were silent a little while, Aaron staring at the ceiling, questions swirling through his mind. "What's it like, waking up to the kids every morning, making breakfast and doing all that domestic shit."

"Pretty damned wonderful when no one is having a meltdown."

"That's what I thought."

"You'll get to see it for yourself in the morning," Hawk replied. "And learn how to make monkey bread."

"What the hell is that?"

"Something Ella's Daisy troop did at their meeting last week. She came home with a recipe card and has been after me to make it ever since. I grabbed the ingredients at the grocery store the other day, some backup ones too, in case we screw it up. Figured with you here, it would be easier to supervise in case Dani got bored. She's a real menace when it comes to getting into things. You'd never believe that I'd childproofed the place if you saw some of what she gets up to."

It felt good to laugh, so Aaron gave into the urge, especially when images started popping into his head of little Dani leaping off the arm of the couch with a blanket over her head, calling it her paricoot . That had been the last time he'd visited, and she'd been downright feisty when Hawk had told him to take it away before she hurt herself.

"Guess we're making monkey bread and wrangling a little monkey," Aaron said once he'd finished chuckling at the memory

"Yup."

The next stretch of silence was longer, and yet, it was never the uncomfortable kind that made him squirm and wish he was anywhere but exactly where he was at. If anything, he felt more relaxed than he'd been in weeks, even with access to endless strains of weed.

"You're a natural with Dani," Hawk said, having captured Aaron's hand again. This time he held on to it and drew circles across Aaron's knuckles with his thumb. "Not that it surprises me. I've seen you with every stray animal that's crossed your path for years. The thing that I'm still wondering is why you've never kept one."

"Heh," Aaron grunted, rubbing at the spot where his t-shirt was stuck to his skin. "It's not like I could take a pet on the road with me. There's too much shit we're responsible for. Meet and greets, signings, after parties. It wouldn't be fair to keep them cooped up on the tour bus or have one of the roadies walking them. If I ever have a pet, I'm gonna be the one caring for it. I'm gonna be the one whose bed it curls up on at night, and I'm going to be there when it's scared or sick, or at the end when…"

Aaron swallowed hard at that and ducked his head, because that was the real reason he'd never kept one. They died and then he'd be alone again and how do you start over when you know it's only going to happen again?

"I guess you've got a point there," Hawk said, cutting through his thoughts. "But a cat…or even a ferret…."

"Still needs love, attention and time that I've never had."

"So, what's stopping you now."

"I don't know. Everything's still too up in the air. I don't know what I'm going to do about the band or even what I want to pick up from the grocery store. My cupboards are empty man, I'm talking Mother Hubbard bare, and yet I wander down the aisles in a daze, pushing an empty cart."

"Try shopping stoned."

"I have. I don't even get the munchies anymore. Just a severe case of the I should not eat thats ."

"You should eat whatever you want, at least in moderation. Life's too long to live it doing shit that doesn't make you happy."

"Thin mints might make me happy, but they do not make me thin, much to my extreme disappointment. If anything, they're the number two reason I've been up on the roof swimming every night this week."

"And the number one reason is?"

"The need to completely wear myself out since someone isn't around to do it for me anymore."

"Aaron…"

"Look, there's nothing to say, I get that too, so don't say it. Just let me sit here and enjoy for a moment, okay. Let me at least have a night to pretend that things do last and are worth investing in."

"Maybe you not investing is a big part of why things fall apart," Hawk remarked.

Though he said it casually, it was impossible to miss the layers of reproach buried within those words.

"There could be some truth to that."

"More than just some ," Hawk said, leveling such an intense stare at him that Aaron was forced to look away.

"Kelly's new band is not a project I'd be good fit for. It's time you both accept that."

Hawk breaking into laughter was the last response Aaron expected. Even when he was done, he didn't say anything at first, just swirled the liquid in the bottle he held and kept right on staring. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that?"

"It would be nice if you did."

"Uh-huh, sure, of course it would. Then you wouldn't have to explain why you wouldn't meet the guys you proclaimed to be the best that auditioned and why you haven't taken an elevator ride up to talk to our best friend."

"Doesn't matter," Aaron grumbled, not in the mood to discuss music with Hawk tonight. "This whole conversation is about as pointless as tits on a bull."

"Someone's been binging westerns again."

"Maybe. It's about the only genre I can stomach watching alone."

"You wouldn't be alone if you'd go up two flights and tell Kelly what all this is really about."

Groaning, Aaron pressed the heels of his palms against his eyelids and leaned back, sinking the tips of his fingers into his hair and taking slow, steady breaths. It was so many things. Too many. A tangled, jumbled mass of issues as snarled as a ball of Christmas lights. "I tried. He doesn't get it."

"Are you forgetting how well I know you?" Hawk asked, his voice having taken on an impatient edge. "Or what I've watched you do with my niece several times over? You can fool the rest of the world, they only see your packaging. I know your heart, and I know you didn't reject playing with Declan because he's in that wheelchair or Micah because he grew up in the Amish faith. I know there is more going on, so if we've gotta sit here all-night drinking iced tea and staring at the glob of frosting I keep forgetting to clean off the ceiling, then that's what we'll do. Meaning we'll be two tired, grumpy fucks in the morning when we've got to wrangle the kids and make the monkey bread."

"How'd that get up there, anyway?"

"I'm raising a four-year-old, a six-year-old, and a seven-year-old, how the hell am I supposed to know?" Hawk shot back. "Nice attempt at changing the subject by the way."

"I see that it failed."

"Nice as it was, it was doomed from the start."

"Shoulda figured."

"Yes, you should have and yet, you attempted it anyway, which tells me you want to have this conversation."

Growling, Aaron dropped his hands into his lap. "What it all boils down to is that there are just too many changes to make it work. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't gonna work for me. Besides, I'd much rather be here. We've never needed excuses to spend our nights together, even if it's just kicking back watching the Wild demolish the Avalanche a couple times a year. You said yourself I was good with Dani, and you know I can help with Liam and Ella too if you'll stop using them as an excuse to keep me at arm's length."

"We've had this conversation, Aaron."

"No, you talked and I was forced to sit and listen while you said everything you had to say then ended the call because Dani had gotten into something."

"Which will happen, often, as in every day. It would also be a fourteen-year commitment, seeing as how I refuse to bring anyone into their lives who isn't willing to be there for the long haul. These kids don't need to get attached to another person who suddenly drops out of their lives."

"Death is unavoidable, including yours," Aaron pointed out. "You can't guarantee something won't happen between now and some random point in the future. You can hope it won't, but the universe is too chaotic to ever make the kind of promise you're after."

Hawk sat up, turning towards him with frustration etched into his face. "You know what the fuck I mean."

"I know that shit happens, and a promise made in one moment might not mean a pile of shit ten years down the line."

"Then I guess you've got your answer right there. Besides, us dating was the biggest comedy of errors since Kazzy staggered out on stage in a pair of Sierra's yoga pants," Hawk declared.

Now that hurt. Sucking in a breath, he thought to defend what they'd had but it was clear that none of it meant anything to Hawk, not the way that it still meant to Aaron. Six months ago, it had seemed like they'd finally gotten it right and worked past all the bullshit they'd struggled with over the years. If Hawk would just take a chance on him, he'd prove that he'd be in it for the long haul…only it suddenly dawned on him that maybe that was the heart of the issue, that Hawk didn't want forever with him.

"Dude, do you remember all those swirls? That color pallet was like an acid trip gone bad," Hawk reminisced, chuckling fondly at the memory.

Swallowing hard, Aaron choked down the swell of emotions that threatened to spill from his eyes in a long stream of hot, humiliating tears. Instead, he forced out a laugh and muttered, "I know, right."

"I've got a picture of that mess hanging in the music room," Hawk said. "It's good for a laugh every time I open the door."

"I could always plug in my guitar and accompany you sometime," Aaron offered, desperate to keep some shred of a connection in place.

"Yeah well, you'd better be prepared to sing backup."

Aaron shook his head, his laugh coming out dry and a bit broken, though he was grateful that Hawk chose to overlook it, if he'd even noticed. "I don't sing. That's your thing, remember?"

"Might have been my thing when I was part of the band, but I heard you singing to Dani, you could fill my slot and yours if you'll just get your head out of your ass and go talk to Kelly."

"To do that, I'd have to go back to the city, which isn't what I'm in the mood to do right now."

"Then you'd better figure out how to be," Hawk said in that cold, no nonsense tone of his. "You can visit periodically, you can video chat as often as you'd like, but you can't stay until you're sure you're done with everything out there that could possibly drag you away from here."

Aaron sucked in a breath, smarting a little at the rejection, but not too blind to hear the offer that was mingled in with the other words.

"Is that a promise?" Aaron asked, knowing he sounded needy, hopeful, and almost desperate. Each time he came up here it got harder and harder to leave. He knew a day was coming, maybe even soon, when he'd fall onto his knees and beg Hawk to let him stay.

"You know I never say anything I don't mean," Hawk told him.

Aaron was so relieved, he didn't think, he just turned until he could straddle Hawk's lap, hug him and breathe in the scent of Hawk, sugar, woods and mushed up vegetables. When Hawk's arms locked around him, Aaron sunk into the embrace, nuzzling Hawk's neck and clinging. Hands rubbed down his back and stroked his hair, a low, rumbling sigh emanating from Hawk.

"And then you do something like this, and I want to kick myself for ever suggesting you leave," Hawk murmured, holding Aaron flush against him and rocking him in his lap.

"Hawk…" Aaron groaned when he did it again, the press of him, hard behind his zipper, making Aaron long for the one thing they'd been even better at doing together then making music.

"For old time's sake," Hawk groaned. "Let me have you. Please. I…fuck it's been so long…"

Moaning, Aaron rolled his hips, grinding against him. "Whatever you want."

Hawk's hands guided him into a frenzied cadence of friction as they frotted against one another like teenagers, desperate, needy whines spilling from between their lips.

"Uncle Hawk…I wet my bed!" A voice whined. The pair shot away from each other like they were fifteen and the porch light had just been turned on. Aaron panted, while Hawk muttered a curse and banged his head against the back of the couch.

"I'll be right there!" Hawk called, voice ragged and edged with frustration.

"Grab an empty laundry basket and replacement sheets and I'll go strip the bed," Aaron said, shoving to his feet before Hawk could protest. As he headed down the hall towards Liam's room and the little boy standing in the doorway, light spilling out behind him as he rubbed his eyes, he was aware of how frequent interruptions like these would happen. The thing that shocked him a little, was how okay he was with it as long as it meant waking up to Hawk and the kids every morning until the end of time.