5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Best Monkey Wrangler Ever

How!

How was the guy who'd grown up with the most joyless people Hawk had ever met, be better at keeping the kids entertained and engaged than he was?

Okay, so when Aaron had decided to sit with Dani on his lap and Liam and Ella on either side of him, Hawk had expected immediate chaos to ensue, especially when three little hands tried to roll dough in cinnamon at the same time or collided while placing their dough balls in the tin. The last thing Hawk ever expected was for Aaron to divide the cinnamon sugar mixture into three shallow dishes so they could all roll at the same time. Then all they had to do was drop them in the tin while Aaron created voices for the different doughballs, highlighting their reactions to being cut, dipped in butter, rolled and then dropped into the bundt cake tin.

Aaron was handing the dipping part, since they had to keep the butter warm, while Hawk had been relegated to cutting each biscuit round into fourths and laughing, because some of the voices…

"Ack….not a butter bath!" Aaron squealed, high pitched and mock terrified. He even waved the ball of dough around like it was struggling to get away.

"Get in that butter and roll!" Liam growled, finger pointed at the doughball while he snarled like he was in a death metal band.

Of the three kids, he was usually the quietest, and there were times when Hawk worried about him not getting enough attention. Today though, he'd lit up and was as engaged in the activity as the girls.

"Dude, you have got to do that on a song!" Aaron encouraged.

"Me?" Liam asked, all wide eyed and grinning.

"Hel…errr, yeah you," Aaron encouraged.

"I wanna be on a song too!" Dani declared.

Of course she did, she always wanted to do what the bigger kids were doing. Hawk snipped apart another biscuit while waiting to see how Aaron would handle this little twist.

"Why don't we all do a song together once we have the bread in the oven," Aaron suggested.

"Yey!" Dani yelled, throwing her hands up and getting cinnamon and sugar all over Aaron who didn't even blink. He just hugged her tighter with the arm he had around her, dipped the doughball in the butter, then handed it to Ella before taking another off the plate. How he never messed up the rotation, despite the pauses and the voices, was another thing that had Hawk amazed.

Like at breakfast, when Aaron had devoured a slice of honeydew, despite how much Hawk knew he disliked melon. He'd done it to encourage Ella to try the pieces Hawk had cut up onto her plate, after she'd asked why she had to eat it if Aaron didn't. It was telling, that he was learning to censor his language and set a good example for them, but how long before he got tired, or bored, or longed to smoke up and get shitfaced instead of coming home to them?

Being Unky Aaron he could come and go as he pleased right now, popping in and out of their lives after a week or a month, though to be fair, the only reason Aaron had let a month go by without visiting them was because Hawk had flat out told him not to come up. Still, Hawk didn't have that same kind of luxury and eventually, he knew Aaron would figure it out. Right now, he still had his friend, even if that came with a ton of complex emotions he didn't have the time to evaluate or even rationalize.

Their eyes met across the kitchen island and Aaron winked and flashed him one of those grins that had always sent a surge of heat through his lower belly, especially when they were up on stage. For that brief moment in time, it was like they were the only ones in the world, despite the screaming crowd just a few feet away.

"You know what that means, right kids?" Aaron said, while Hawk cut the final biscuit and slid the plate closer to him.

Aaron's grin had turned devious. He licked his lip as he reached for one of the pieces, dunked it in butter and handed it to Liam.

"No, what?" Ella asked.

He leaned in, lowering his voice to a stage whisper as he spoke to the kids.

"That Uncle Hawk has to get his guitar out and play for us since I didn't bring mine."

"Awesome!" Liam declared.

"Actually, what it means is that I have to get two guitars out so Uncle Aaron can play with me since this was his idea," Hawk amended, prompting a huge cheer, this time from all three kids.

"Fair enough," Aaron said, angling his head in that way he had of acknowledging when Hawk had gotten the best of him.

Hawk watched as he finished dipping the last piece of dough, then handed it to Ella so she could roll it and add it to the tin.

"Alright guys, time to wash our hands while Uncle Hawk puts the bread in the oven," Aaron announced as he set Dani on the floor and nudged her towards the sink. They lined up like ducks, shortest to tallest, with Aaron manning the sink, making sure neither the spray nozzle or the hand soap was misused in any way, Hawk was able to get the monkey bread in the oven, the counter wiped down and all the dishes rinsed and loaded in the microwave.

"Song, song, song," Dani chanted as she skipped into the living room, Liam on her heels.

Ella paused for a moment and stared up at Hawk. "When can I learn to play an instrument?"

"Well, that depends," Hawk explained. "Some instruments are too big for your hands right now."

"Oh."

"Did you have one in mind?"

"No, just wonderin'," she replied and hurried after the others.

"I hope you have a song in mind," Hark said as Aaron moved to follow her.

Aaron just grinned, winked, and followed the kids to the living room. "Several."

"Are you gonna clue me in?" Hawk called after him.

"Eventually."

"Joy," Hawk muttered before he headed to the music room, the only locked room in the house.

He grabbed the black acoustic for Aaron and the blue one for himself, then headed to the living room armed for chaos only to see that Aaron had gotten the children situated in their bean bag chairs, which he'd arranged in a semi-circle in front of the couch cushions he'd placed on the floor for him and Hawk. He'd even spaced them so the guitars wouldn't bump, even if that meant he'd placed himself further from Hawk than Hawk wanted him to be.

"Alright guys, are you ready for a family jam session," Aaron asked with all the growly, hype fueled fervor he'd brought to their concerts.

Hawk saw the kids' eyes light up, each one fully focused on Aaron as their yeys and yeses blended together in happy squeals.

"So our first song tonight is gonna be The Itsy Bitsy Spider ," Aaron announced. "Now I know all of you know the song, but we're going to add a few pieces to make it truly special, okay."

Wide eyed, they nodded solemnly, eagerly waiting to hear what he'd say next. And Aaron tried to claim he wasn't an entertainer.

Bullshit.

Aaron had better count himself lucky he'd had the foresight to wheedle Hawk into playing or he'd have had his phone out recording this whole thing so he could play it back for Aaron every time he tried to act like he wasn't charismatic and capable of enchanting an audience.

Fucker had Hawk wishing they were alone, because just watching him like this, with a smile on his face and his fingers on the guitar, was making him feel all kinds of domestic and soft. Wrapped around one another, chilling out and watching movies, had been one of their favorite ways to spend their downtime. It hadn't even been about sex, though they'd had plenty of it. It had been about intimacy, loving Aaron's company and the way it had always felt like he was the missing piece of Hawk's soul.

"Liam, after each time we sing spider, I want you to growl the word, just like you did at the table. Get your voice real low and just snarl the word." Aaron explained, demonstrating so Liam would understand what he meant. "Let's practice real quick, okay."

Liam nodded, so Aaron sung the first line with the girls joining in. As soon as they said spider, Liam growled it and damn, okay, his little nephew had the potential to take after him one day.

"Now, Ella, whenever we say out, I want you to say it four times, just like this: Out! Out! Out! Out!

Aaron even shook his fists in the air as he said it, really getting the kids into the spirit of things. Like with Liam, they practiced it before Aaron turned his attention to Dani. Hawk wondered if he'd chosen to give her instructions last so she wouldn't get bored or forget them while he was instructing the others?

He just didn't get how Aaron could have such a way with them when he'd been the only child in the home he'd grown up in. The only thing he could equate it to was Aaron's love for lost, neglected and needy critters, which he'd collected and found homes for whenever the opportunity arose, including the time he'd found a sea turtle on the beach with injuries that looked like it had been hit by a propeller. After learning that they couldn't be out of the water for more than twelve hours, he'd emptied a plastic tote onto his bed, filled it with seawater, and demanded Hawk help him carry it onto their fuckin' tour bus so they could take a seventy-three mile detour to the nearest aquarium.

"Now Dani, your job is to sing itsy-bitsy, itsy-bitsy, after each time we say it," Aaron explained and like he had with the others, demonstrated. "Now is everybody ready?"

"Yey!" Dani cheered, wiggling in her seat while Liam and Ella both yelled yes .

Aaron fiddled with his phone, then laid it on the floor between him and Hawk so Hawk could see the notes and chords for the song. When the hell had he found the time to find a site with the notes to children's songs…unless he'd already saved it for the times when he video chatted with the kids?

Shit.

Hawk had never even considered looking. It might make for a welcome addition during their nightly story time to play a lullaby or two for them. He should have been the one to think of that, yet it seemed like Aaron was the who had a handle on all the fun things. It dawned on him how that could become a problem later, if it was all Aaron was capable of.

Having you here would be like having a forth kid in the house!

As he played the intro to the song, the echo of the words he said to Aaron rolled through his mind, and all he felt was shame at having said it when all Aaron had been trying to do was help.

He'd been angry.

Not at Aaron but at the loss of his brother and sister-in-law and the sudden, unexpected burden of responsibility that had been thrust upon him. He'd always known that if anything happened to his brother, he'd be the one to finish raising the kids, he'd just never imagined anything actually happening when he signed that paper. He'd thought it was something people did when they had children. If he'd known, hell, if he'd ever even paused to consider how quickly shit could happen that was completely out of someone's control, he'd have…

Done the exact same thing and signed it.

Fuck .

The kids were doing an awesome job of singing their parts and holy shit, somehow, on the spur of the moment, Aaron had managed to turn four simple lines into something special. The first round ended and the second one started and Hawk felt himself humbled and at awe as he played his part.

Song after song, Aaron helped them create something fun that was all theirs and gave each of them a moment to shine. Hawk couldn't have been prouder than if Aaron had written the words himself. Hell, he was certainly recomposing them into something amazing. When the timer on the oven buzzed, Hawk got the Monkey Bread out and started getting their snack ready, though his thoughts weren't on the drinks he was pouring or even the song Aaron was leading them through alone.

It was back on that turtle, and how proud Hawk had been of him that day, not only for what he'd done for that injured creature, but because of how much he genuinely hated to see any living thing unhappy. Hawk had never understood how he could go out of his way so effortlessly and without any prompting.

How many times had he seen Aaron take extra time with a fan, like the guy in Tulsa who'd just lost his brother, who'd been a huge fan of the band. They'd had tickets and backstage passes the guy had surprised his brother with for his birthday, so the man had brought them and his brother's picture and held them up for the whole show. When he'd come to the back afterwards, he hadn't been with the flock that had rushed the band waving things for them to sign. He'd hung back, holding that photo, but somehow, in all the chaos, Aaron had noticed the tears in his eyes and the desperate, despondent look on his face, and slipped away from everyone to spend some one on one time with him

Aaron truly was special.

Which was why it was so hard for Hawk to accept that he wanted to give all of that up to hang out here and clean frosting off the ceiling.

At three am.

Which was when Hawk had woken to find him out of bed, again, and in the living room with the television on and a notebook and pen laying on the arm of an easy chair. Instead of writing, he was standing on tiptoes on a chair with a plastic scrapper in his hand and a couple Clorox wipes, cleaning up the mess Hawk kept forgetting.

Aaron's hands were meant for better things than that, and a seething Hawk had found it difficult to thank him without also chastising him for putting himself at risk standing on the chair that way. And Aaron being Aaron had just shrugged and finished his task like Hawk wasn't even in the room.

"Alright guys, final song, and then it's snack time," Aaron announced.

"Can we still do something together after we eat?" Ella begged.

"Please!" Liam added.

"Please, please, please," Dani chanted.

"Of course we can," Aaron replied. "With all the sugar we're about to consume, maybe we should play games outside so we can run around and burn it all off."

"Freeze tag, freeze tag," Liam cheered.

"Freeze tag sounds like an awesome plan," Aaron said before walking them through their last song, a fun play on Humpty Dumpty in which the kids ended the song by shouting out he was pushed.

Laughing, Hawk helped the children get settled while Aaron took the guitars back to the music room with the key Hawk warned him not to lose. The last thing he expected was for Aaron to linger there. The kids were almost finished by the time he emerged, slipping into his seat with his hair in his eyes again. Hawk longed to brush it back so he could stare into them and kiss him breathless, but it was neither the time nor the place, not when they'd have three kids to explain their unofficial relationship to.

Even Aaron had agreed that they shouldn't let the kids catch on that there was anything between them until they were certain whatever it was would last this time, but having him so close and yet so untouchable for the better part of the day was rapidly driving Hawk to distraction. Nap time couldn't come soon enough. There would be no housecleaning or meal preps done when they went down this time. He was getting his hands on Aaron and kissing the hell out of him for suggesting that they go play something as wild and boisterous as tag.

Hawk watched him wolf down three pieces of monkey bread, then distribute the other three on his plate to the kids, one for each, before he downed his milk and hurried to rinse his dishes.

"Hey, you could have finished," Hawk admonished as he joined him at the dishwasher, Ella's empty plate and cup in his hands.

"I did," Aaron said. "You gave me too much. I need to be able to fit into my leather pants."

"You mean the pants you hate wearing because you prefer performing in kilts and cutoff jean shorts?" Hawk challenged.

"I still need them to fit for those rare times when I decide to slip into them."

"Uh-huh."

"Besides, I've got a game to oversee, and you have something in the music room that needs your attention."

"What the…" Hawk began, biting back the curse word he'd planned to utter while Aaron collected the rest of the dishes from the kids. "Aaron what did you do?"

"Nothing that can't be erased if you don't like it."

"Erased?" Hawk muttered, thrown and battling back the temptation to rush down the hall and see what the fuck Aaron was talking about.

Aaron made a shooing motion at him before turning his attention back to the kids. "Go get your play clothes on," he encouraged.

Didn't have to tell them twice, they scrambled for their rooms while Aaron chuckled and pushed their chairs back in.

"Why are you still standing there," Aaron grumbled.

"Because I'm trying to figure out what the hell you're up to," Hawk said as he closed the distance between them and reached for Aaron, intent on claiming that kiss he'd been picturing.

Instead, Aaron placed a hand on his chest, shutting him down. "You'd know if you'd just take your ass to the music room."

"And now you owe the swear jar."

Aaron narrowed his eyes at the jar Hawk had set on top of the refrigerator before fishing his wallet out of his back pocket and pulling out a ten, which he tucked in the jaw.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Prepaying my next few fuckups, and the two just you let slip."

"I can fuckin' pay for my own," Hawk growled, matching his ten-dollar contribution.

"What is your problem?" Aaron asked. "Why does it seem like you're mad at me for no reason right now? I'm sorry if you didn't want me to give an extra piece of monkey bread to the kids, but I didn't want to waste it."

"You could have eaten it."

"I didn't want to."

"Why, you love sweets?"

"A little too much sometimes," Aaron reminded him, and yeah, sometimes Hawk did forget that he tended to overindulge, especially when he was brooding about something. "I'm sorry, I should have asked if it was okay. No excuses. I won't do it again. I shouldn't have assumed."

Aaron turned away from him then to get the dishwasher pod loaded and the machine started, leaving Hawk to trudge to the music room wondering what was so damned important that Aaron had passed up the opportunity for a mini make-out session while they had the kitchen to themselves. Didn't he understand how rare opportunities like that were? Or maybe that was the issue. Maybe Aaron was finally starting to understand that those wild, spontaneous moments they'd once enjoyed were a thing of the past. It sucked, but Hawk had been expecting it and just hoped that Aaron understood now why Hawk had been telling him for months that this wasn't the life for Aaron.

Only, when he stepped into the music room, what he saw shook him to his core. On the whiteboard where he'd been struggling with the lyrics to one of the songs he'd been working on for the band, were the words he hadn't been able to find.

If only for a day

See me and not my shadow

If only for a day

Let me know that I was loved

If only for a day

Tell me I'm not broken

If only for a day

Keep me safe so I can heal

If only for a day

If only for a day

If only for a day

For a moment he couldn't breathe, because in his head he could hear Aaron singing it, the words filled with such a raw, desperate pain that tears began to trail down Hawk's cheeks even as he stalked towards the board. Music had always been a part of their love language, a way to keep them close even when they were furious with one another. How many times had they apologized to one another in the lyrics of the songs they'd written or discovered something else they loved about the other in the words they chose when they'd written a line. Snatching up his guitar, Hawk plugged it in and started working out the chords to go with the words, because that's what they'd build the song on.

Did Aaron even know how precious a gift he'd just given him? When he'd suggested that Hawk give himself twenty minutes in the room each day, either when the kids were napping or once he had them in bed, Hawk had failed to see what the point would be. Twenty minutes was nothing. Barely enough time to make sure everything was tuned.

Your shit's always tuned perfectly, stop making excuses!

So fine, he'd reluctantly agreed to the twenty minutes, if only because he missed the strings beneath his fingers and figured twenty minutes, well at least he could play a couple songs. He'd never expected to start creating something on the second night, but inspiration had hit the moment he'd stepped through the door, and every day after that he'd been grateful for those twenty minutes. He'd gotten a lot done and Aaron had just helped him take a huge step closer to being finished. A rush hit as he played through the melody of the chorus, adding a note here, changing a chord there. The last time he'd felt this way had been the final night he'd stood on stage and over the past few months he'd started to fear that he'd never experience that exuberance again. For twenty minutes a day he could have this. For twenty minutes a day he could be the Hawk of old.