12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

I heard my demons crying

From the opening line of the song, Aaron's discomfort showed. His playing was on point, even if he spent the whole time staring at his hands like he was still learning his way around the frets. His singing however, was a stifled, mumbled mess barely audible over the music.

"Dude, they've gotta be able to hear you," Micah encouraged, nudging him with his shoulder.

Hawk watched Aaron nod, while Dani bounced on his knee clapping and chanting sing, sing, sing.

"Let's just call that one a warmup," Kelly offered, trying to be encouraging too.

When Kelly had told him about Aaron's fear that Hawk and Kelly would throw him out of their lives if he didn't do this, Hawk had felt like shit for pushing it, because that was the last thing he'd intended to make Aaron feel. All they'd ever wanted was for him to stop holding himself back and stop living in the shadow of people who'd never appreciated him for the beautiful, loving soul he was.

I get it, okay. You've made it clear that you don't want me and I'm trying to be good with that.

Hawk didn't want him to be good with that. He wanted…. hell, what he wanted was selfish and probably impossible.

Aaron's hands trembled until he placed them back on the guitar, caressing it as he took a step closer to the mic.

There was an old trick, about picking someone in the crowd and singing the song just for them. He'd have loved for Aaron to choose him, but those brief moments of making out hadn't settled anything between them. If anything, the interruption had left things more turbulent and unsettled. Had it even registered for Aaron that Hawk had told him that he loved him?

That wasn't something they'd ever said out loud to each other before. Not that way.

Love ya, fucker.

Love ya, ya fuckin' dick.

Love ya, bastard.

Love ya, asshole.

Those were all things they'd tossed at one another over the years, but even in their most passionate moments, I love you had never come out of either of their mouths. To Hawk it had a different connotation than what you said to your buddy or that annoying family member that always made you wonder how the fuck you could be related. Watching Aaron focus on Dani and her smile back at him, he could see it erase some of his fear, but the haunted look remained and when Declan tapped out the intro, Aaron licked his lips, glanced over his shoulder to where Micah stood and shook his head.

"You sing it," Aaron said, sliding the mic towards him.

"Unky Aaron, no you sing!" Dani protested.

"I will sweetheart, on the next song, okay?"

"Ok-ay," she replied though Hawk could tell she was pouting.

Micah sighed, but he didn't shove the mic back at him. For a third time, Declan played the opening beat, a grim, resolved look on his face. Not having to sing meant Aaron played without staring at his hands this time, but it was uninspired, and now he refused to look at anyone, especially Hawk. It was like he was ashamed of being up there in front of them. The longer the song went on, the more he moved, backward, taking the spot to the left of center, where he'd always performed.

That didn't mean Micah moved up into it, he didn't look much more comfortable than Aaron, and the words he delivered lacked the genuine passion that came from experiencing what you were actually singing about.

In short. It was a trainwreck.

By the end, Micah looked relieved, Kelly looked disappointed, while Declan just looked pissed. Aaron still wasn't looking at anyone, but he'd promised Dani a song, and Hawk knew he'd deliver.

"Now Unky Aaron sing!" Dani declared, staring straight at him until he finally gave a little nod.

"Which song do you want?" Declan asked, his voice coming out more of a snarl than anything.

"Nothing I need you guys for," Aaron snapped.

He blurted it out with an edge of harshness and Hawk caught the curled lip, clenched fist reaction that Declan barely managed to keep in check.

Then Aaron took his purple Ibanez off, replacing it with his sunburst acoustic and cocked his head.

"It's not completely polished, but it's finished, finally and I….I guess there's nothing left to do with it but play it at this point," Aaron muttered and for the first time, he looked straight at Hawk, then he began to play the song that he and Aaron had been working on in their hotel room on Hawk's last night on the road with them.

The melody had really come together and when woven with the words, as Aaron finally began to actually fucking sing them, Hawk found himself pulled into a soft dream, where it was just them in the room, like it had been the night they'd started it.

Burn the candle at both ends

While we melt inside

Drown in tears and pain and rage

Tattered angels afraid to fly

It may have rained while you were leaving

But the sky ahead is Azure blue

I'll watch you for you in starfire

The only strength I have I found in you

So while I lay here bleeding

In a darkened corner of your room

Fly free and don't look back now

My battered soul will join you soon

So what's the point of reaching

For the stars when stars are dead

What's the point of dreaming

When every night you wake alone in bed

I heard my demons crying

And welcomed them back home

Tip the bottle back

Gulp down the Jack

Embrace oblivion.

All my life I've been drowning

In a crooked toilet filled with sins

But I'll save you if it kills me

Don't you let your darkness win

Shred those letters that you sent me

And those photos of forgotten years

Don't throw me a lifeline, please

All I'll do is pull you in

Laughing legends watch their failed creations

With hateful souls and laughing eyes

Stitched together mortals

Unraveling the more they try to shine

So what's the point of reaching

For the stars when stars are dead

What's the point of dreaming

When every night you wake alone in bed

I heard my demons crying

And welcomed them back home

Tip the bottle back

Gulp down the Jack

Embrace oblivion.

I walk this desert

In shoes of broken glass

A heartbeat away from disillusion

This life wasn't meant to last.

Silence filled the space when Aaron finished playing, their eyes met, then he ducked his head, bright pink spreading over his cheeks as a wave of shame hit again.

He hadn't just finished the chords.

He'd finished the words too and they crushed a piece of Hawk's soul, especially the part about not throwing a lifeline, because that's what they did for one another. All of them. They'd saved each other and saved themselves in the process. Aaron had saved him from self-destructing after his brother died, plucking the bottle from Hawk's hand and downing the rest of it so Hawk couldn't sneak it later when he'd already had too much.

Aaron squirmed, huddling in on himself while everyone stood, eyes wide, staring at him like they weren't sure what to make of what they'd just heard. Even the fury he'd seen in Declan's eyes was gone, replaced by awe, while Aaron just looked panicked and lost.

Yeah, that wouldn't do.

Not only did Hawk clap, but several of the others in the room joined him while Hawk slid from his chair and stepped up in front of Aaron, cupped his chin and raised his head until he could look him in the eyes again, but it was Declan who spoke from somewhere behind them.

"You're our singer, hands down, you don't get to deny it again, ever. No offense, Micah."

"None taken," Micah replied. "I happen to agree."

"But it's not…." Aaron attempted to protest as he backed away from Hawk's grasp.

"Whatever it's lacking, we'll find when we start adding out pieces in," Kelly said. "This just proves that what you accidentally recorded the other night was no fluke. If you still have doubts, let's ask our audience who should be signing for this band."

"Aaron!" Cade said immediately, Rebecka chiming in beside him as the kids all pointed to their uncle.

Hawk saw Aaron's throat working like he was having a hard time swallowing, the tears in his eyes shimmering even beneath the low lights they had on. "The jury has spoken. Now finish singing the rest of the songs the same way you just sung that one."

The tip of Aaron's tongue darted out, licking his upper lip as he nodded and let Hawk take the acoustic from him.

From that point forward, he didn't shy away from the songs, or letting them hear his voice, he gave his all, though interacting was still a struggle, even with Kelly. Hawk chalked it up to the trouble they'd been having lately and knew they'd work it out now that Aaron was peeking his head out of his shell and Kelly knew the things he was mentally struggling with. He also trusted that Aaron could forge bonds with the new members of the band too, though it might take some time, and a little bit of grace on Declan's part. After seeing the way Aaron inched towards Micah and began interacting with him on the final three songs, he could see Declan getting frustrated again, mostly because Aaron never once looked in his direction. If it had been Jason back there, he'd have climbed up on the speaker and headbanged while playing beside the drum kit, the two of them interacting with looks and smiles and little nods that usually signaled that they were shifting into a different mode.

He'd get there. Hawk had faith that he could as long as no one pushed too hard, because pushing was starting to cause Aaron to unravel, and Hawk would be damned if it went any further than it already had. Whatever secrets Aaron was keeping, Hawk was convinced that they were wrapped up in the music, or more specifically, singing. He'd have to ask Kelly, see if he knew more, since they'd been thick as thieves since childhood, while Hawk had gone to different schools as a kid, not being funneled into the same one as them until they were teenagers and Aaron had gotten himself kicked out of the only private school in the county. It had been the start of Aaron's open rebellion against the people who'd been raising him, but Hawk knew there was more that his lover never spoke about. He'd been content to leave it alone, since Aaron had sworn up and down that he and Kelly were making more of the things Aaron had done his best to hide. Only now he wasn't so sure.

Stubborn bastard.

One day, he'd have the truth, if only to be certain that there weren't any more landmines to be stepped on in their relationship. They'd created enough of them over the years, all on their own, without needing any old ones added into the mix.

The moment Aaron's guitar was out of his hands, Ella rushed him, followed by Liam and Dani, who hugged his legs. Ella he scooped up and hugged.

"You were awesome!" She declared with all of the enthusiasm of an exuberant seven-year-old. "Rock on, dude!"

"We're all gonna rock on," Aaron said with a hint of a growl.

He'd stopped ducking his head and instead, turned towards Kelly with the kids still clinging to him.

"Don't put your bass away yet, we've got one more song to do."

"We've played all the ones we've practiced," Kelly said, looking completely confused while Aaron reached out and placed a hand on Micah's case to keep him from opening it.

"We need you too," Aaron said, "And we're definitely going to need a beat."

Where Declan had been about to tuck his sticks away, now he froze, stunned at being asked to take part in whatever it was. Even Hawk was clueless, until Aaron inclined his head towards his green electric and Hawk realized exactly what he had in mind.

"Hey guys," Aaron said as he set Ella down so he could kneel and be at eye level with the other two. "Do you still remember your parts to the Itsy Bitsy- Spider?"

"Itsy-bity, itsy-bity," Dani chimed while Liam growled Spider .

"That's perfect!"

"And I sing down four times!" Ella declared.

"You sure do."

Hawk pulled his phone from his pocket to find the page he'd saved with the notes, then shared it with Kelly, who sent it to Micah and Declan. They studied it while Aaron lowered mic stands for the kids and positioned each one to face their audience of two. Out of the corner of his eye, Hawk saw Cade shake his head, but he was smiling and staring at Aaron with a look he wasn't sure he wanted to spend too much time analyzing, considering the way Aaron had been staring at him earlier. A part of him wanted to ask about it, but the rest, yeah, he didn't need to know. He was the one who'd thrown him and Aaron's relationship into limbo, he didn't get to ask about it now anymore than he should have given ultimatums about Kazzy. He was just glad that little attempt at a power play hadn't blown the fuck up in his face.

"Alright guys!" Aaron growled like he was revving up the crowd at Rocktoberfest, it's Itsy-Bitsy time!"

He played a stunning, improved riff to kick things off, and then they were singing, the kids playing their parts beautifully. Micah improvised on one section, which morphed into dueling guitars when Hawk and Aaron decided to get in on the action. Declan threw in a few drum flourishes, and Kelly popped the beat on the bass, leaving them with a lively, growly, bad-ass version of the song that the kids loved. In between their parts they were jumping up and down and singing along, even adding three claps in between rotations. As if the wings and the stamp set Kelly had set them up with while they were getting everything in the music room set up to have space for an audience, weren't messy enough, now they were sweaty, even in the low lights. They'd need a trip through the tub, and soon, shit, it was rapidly approaching eight.

Almost their bedtime too, but before Hawk could figure out how to extract them from the fun without coming across as the worst uncle in the history of uncles, Aaron clapped his hands.

"And that's a wrap. Thank you all for coming to our show, please stay tuned for the next family night where I'm sure we'll introduce something new and exciting for your listening pleasure. Until then, I'm Aaron and these are the Itty-bity Chaos Machines. If you enjoyed what you heard here tonight, don't hesitate to drop by our YouTube channel where we'll be posting all our latest songs."

He waved, then took the kids' hands and lead them in a bow, before leading them right out of the music room. Talk about a mic drop without anything getting broken. Hawk followed and heard Dani declare that singing was hard work, while Ella flopped dramatically against the couch like a Hollywood starlet, back of her hand pressed to her forehead while she sighed dramatically.

"I need a nap!" Ella declared.

"Same," Aaron said. "So why don't we get you three settled in downstairs and give your Uncle Hawk a few minutes to spend with the rest of the band, since he doesn't get to do that very often."

"But you'll read us stories and tuck us in after bath time, right?" Ella asked.

"Of course. Now you finally get to see the rooms I fixed up for you so you'll have your own places to sleep whenever you visit."

"Yey! Yey! New room! New room!" Dani squealed, even after her energetic performance.

When Aaron turned his way and made a shooing motion, it took Hawk a moment for the whole conversation to register and another to make up his mind and do as Aaron said rather than second guess his ability to handle the three of them at bedtime.

Not after the way he'd wrangled them for tag and monkey bread and several other activities since then.

And had he said he'd made them rooms?

Like, multiple?

There was only one way for that to happen. Aaron would have had to merge some of his own spaces to make room for them. And he hadn't even hinted to Hawk that he'd been thinking about it, let alone done it. Hell, when he'd flown out, Hawk had just planned for the kids to crash in Kelly's guestroom while Hawk took the couch since Kelly had family that visited from time to time and thus had reserved a space for them.

Aaron's spare rooms had consisted of a media center complete with a home theater with killer surround sound, and the game room, where systems old and new had competed for space with an eclectic collection of games, anime and Pop figurines, all removed and posed with props.

Aaron didn't believe in buying something just to keep it in a box. Like the kid he'd never really gotten to be, he opened everything and when he couldn't focus, or a song was being difficult and hiding its words from him, he'd come in here and he'd reposition them, creating scenes that at times had left Hawk raising an eyebrow or scratching his head at him. With a little wave, Dani took Aaron's hand, Ella and Liam picked up their bags while Aaron picked up Dani's, and off they went, leaving Hawk in a stupor as he stood staring after them.

"Where'd Aaron go?" Kelly asked.

Hawk turned to see Declan in the doorway with Kelly standing behind him, both of them staring past Hawk as they sought out their singer.

"Did you know he'd made rooms for the kids in his apartment?" Hawk asked instead of answering.

"He doesn't talk to me about much of anything these days," Kelly admitted. "He just shows up, plays and heads back downstairs whenever we're on break. The only plus is that he usually comes back with some solo he's been working on, or a tweak to the lyrics, but yeah, I don't know what he's been up to."

"So he left?" Declan asked, his tone both quizzical and annoyed.

"To supervise bath and story time and get the kids put to bed," Hawk admitted. "He said it was so I could have some time with you guys."

"Unfuckinbelievable," Declan muttered.

"Why?" Hawk snapped, instantly on the defensive.

Declan just flipped his hands over and shook his head, clearly struggling with what to make of it. "Maybe because he does his level best to come off like an asshole."

"Not always."

The second voice came from behind Kelly, but it took a moment for everyone to filter through the doorway before Hawk could figure out who was speaking.

"I ran into him one night at the neon garden," Cade said. "He was pissed off and furiously scribbling in a notebook, a scowl on his face and a poor stress ball being mashed in-between lines, but the conversation we had, man that had depth and a real understanding of how important it was for people to have access to creative spaces, even if he didn't seem to grasp that I was speaking beyond monetarily."

"Did he not seem to grasp it, or was he being deliberately obstruse," Declan asked. "Because all I've seen out of him is him deliberately going out of his way to pretend I don't exist and flee my presence the moment we take a break."

Kelly glanced at Hawk and Hawk knew that look. Kelly wanted him to speak up and say something, or give Kelly some indication that he should, while Hawk gave a slow shake of his head while he narrowed his eyes at his oldest friend, refusing to share speculation and put Aaron's business out there in the process.

"I haven't had any issues with him since the first rehearsal he showed up for," Micah said, stepping away from the wall where he'd been leaning. "We laid our cards on the table, which mostly consisted of us acknowledging that discussions of religious subject matter of any sort were completely off the table and him naming every damned fish he could see tattooed on me."

"I noticed those too," Hawk admitted. "He's got a thing for aquariums, likes to go sit and watch the fish swim while he's working shit out. Unfortunately, they're closed at night, which is when he tends to find other diversions, like the neon garden."

"I can see why," Cade said, "it's like being inside the fishbowl."

Hawk rubbed his chin at hearing that, nodding and even paying attention to the conversation, even as lyrics started floating around in his head.

"Yeah well, he and I need to get on the same page," Declan said. "I've toned down my embellishments but I'm going to need him to tell me when I can ramp things up again, because I'm not getting any sort of feedback or interaction from him to cue me in on how anything is working."

"He'll get there," Kelly insisted.

"He'd better," Declan muttered.

"Or what?" Hawk asked, keeping the bass out of his tone, but just barely. "I saw you about to lose your temper with him. I get that you're frustrated, but you start pushing when we just got him to open up and sing, and you'll sabotage this before it ever fully gets rolling."

"You sound like you believe it will," Declan said, sounding skeptical.

"Because I do. I know him and I know this isn't about what you think it is. He's a good man, he just doesn't always know how to show it, or maybe it's just that things have backfired on him the times he's tried," Hawk said. "If he didn't want you here, he wouldn't have asked you to play that last song. He created that for the children all because Liam, who is such a quiet kid it's hard to get a bead on what he's interested in, growled like a death metal singer in the middle of a conversation and lit up like fireworks when Aaron suggested he do that on a song."

"He should. I'd love to have him record a few words for our heavier tracks," Kelly offered. "I think it would make an awesome edition to the final mix."

"Talk about a flex, too," Rebecka said.

She'd been quiet until then, but in her hand, Hawk could see why and what she'd been bent over for most of the playing. Her fingers were stained with charcoal too, in several different colors, while the page that was still open on her sketchbook, showed the band in mid performance, with Hawk's three kids front and center, all the joy and energy of the moment encapsulated on the page.

"He'll have experiences his classmates can only dream of," Cade said. "And who knows, he might just form his own band someday."

"At least I've already got a music room setup," Hawk said. "Unlike when we started playing."

"Man our parents put up with a lot," Kelly pointed out.

"Yeah, but they had a choice," Hawk reminded him. "Our neighbors on the other hand…"

"Ohh man, Mrs. Snyder hated us."

"Not as bad as Mr. Kilroy."

"I don't know man, I don't think it was us he hated," Kelly pointed out. "That was all Ethan for trying to date his daughter."

"Dude, I'd forgotten about that," Hawk admitted as they all trudged into the kitchen for leftover wings, cold drinks and more conversation, Hawk's phone providing silent confirmation that Aaron had everything in hand downstairs.