10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Aimlessly Spinner Beneath Solar Lights

"So, tonight was the worse session yet, thanks for that," Kelly griped as he and Aaron flopped on opposite deck chairs after Declan and Micah had taken off.

They'd cut the session short after Aaron had snapped a string, lost his temper and cussed his guitar out while he was restringing it, insulting the whole line of guitars, its makers, the manufacturers and even the folks at the string company when he realized he'd pulled the wrong one from the pack and had to start all over again.

Sighing, Aaron ran his fingers through his hair. "Thanks for making it my fault, again."

"Because it is, and you know it."

"It's not deliberate."

"I'm beginning to wonder about that." Kelly admitted.

"Don't, okay. I'm trying. I am. You could seriously help me ease up by not talking to Hawk about every disaster, real and imagined, that takes place when we play. It's just creating more distance between us, which is the last thing I need right now."

"Then what do you need?" Kelly asked.

"If I knew that, I'd have it by now," Aaron admitted with another heavy sigh as he rolled onto his back to stare up at the stars overhead, a long sliver of light from the solar bulbs slashing across his face. "I've been working on something. Well, finishing it anyway. Hawk asked me to, only I don't know, I've been playing with different chords, but nothing is vibing with the rest of it. I'm starting to think it's a lost cause."

"Why, because it's requiring more effort than you want to put in?"

"It's not about effort! I'm just not feeling it, okay? Not the sound, not the words, not any of it!."

"Not okay. That tells me something is wrong that goes a hell of a lot deeper than what you can or cannot create."

"No shit."

"So talk to me," Kelly insisted.

"Why? So you can judge me more?"

"I'm not judging you, dammit. I want to help if you'll let me."

Aaron let out a miserable sigh and flung one arm up to rest on his forehead. "Not sure anyone can help."

"Is that you giving up?"

"No, that's me being honest."

"Okay, honesty is good. Let's say you keep it up and tell me why you feel that way?" Kelly asked.

"What are you, playing shrink now?"

"Do you need me to?"

"I need you to stop blaming me whenever things don't go the way you want them to, for starters, and give me some space to figure out what's got me so conflicted about everything from what I want for breakfast to what chord would be best to exit the refrain."

"You want my opinion?"

"Whether I do or not, you're gonna give it, so you might as well get it over with."

"Okay. I think you're too deep in your own head. I think you've been second guessing everything you do and engaging in some serious self-critiquing that's left you spiraling and unwilling to be honest enough about it to let anyone help you."

"Because it's not right! None of it is…the songs are messy and weak. They've got no power to them. The delivery is flat. Were out of synch and I don't just mean the beat!"

"Which is why we need to be able to talk about it and not have you clam up when it comes time to have a discussion about how we can tighten shit up."

"Right," Aaron groaned. "Until I say the wrong thing and you get pissed at me."

"How am I gonna get pissed at you for trying to help polish the pieces we've been working on?"

"Trust me. If I say what I wanna say, you will."

"And what do you want to say?"

"That I need Declan to tone down the flourishes for now and just keep shit basic until we can work our way through a piece several times with some fuckin' consistency!" Aaron snapped.

"Have you considered that the only reason he's been doing that is to prove to you that he's every bit as good as both you and I know he is?"

"Whatever the reason behind it, I need it to stop," Aaron said. "They're awesome and he can add them back in once we work the other parts out, but right now they're distracting and making me feel like I need to hurry the fuck up and keep up before you decide that I can't."

"Now we're getting somewhere," Kelly said, rubbing his hands together. " And you've confirmed exactly what I've been afraid of."

"And what's that?"

"That Hawk was right when he said that I was pushing you too hard, too fast," Kelly admitted. "I'm sorry. Guess maybe I've been too damned enthusiastic about the whole thing and pushing so we can give the folks at Rocktoberfest an answer before we run out of time to accept the offer they made to let our new band play in place of the old one."

Rocktoberfest.

For the first time all day, Aaron smiled as he thought back to their days in the desert. Glow tag, neon climbing walls and the most amazing collection of metal music in the word. Humming, Aaron let out a happy sigh. "Best festival ever."

"Yeah, it really was. The fans are awesome," Kelly said. "Having the chance to interact with and listen to all those other bands makes me happy I haven't lost my ability to kick back and just be a fan after all these years."

"Same. I hope they do the shred off again this year," Aaron admitted.

"Why, you gonna sign up this time?"

"Oh hell no! I know where I stand and it isn't up there with the likes of Dez, Ryder and Stoli!"

"Why?"

"'Cause I'm not that good and you know it."

"I call bullshit. You've always held your own. You've always been ranked in the top twenty-five every year they've put out a listing of the top guitarists."

"Yeah, the bottom end of the list."

"If you consider thirteen, fifteen, and ten the bottom."

"Sure. List my best numbers."

"Because it makes no sense to list the worst when you've been climbing, steadily for the last five years, so quit your bullshit. I know the issue is you not wanting to put yourself out there, but if you're gonna front this band…"

"Which I'm not."

"…then you'll need to get with the program sooner rather than later."

"You heard what I said, right?"

"And I'm choosing to ignore it. That's not me pushing either, that's me saying no one from the outside will ever be able to come in and sing our songs the way you can. You know the stories behind every one and what we were going through when we wrote them. You've got an amazing voice, goddammit, maybe even more powerful than Hawk's when you're not trying to stifle it, so let loose and be heard for once!"

Aaron snorted and rolled on his side, propped his head on his hand and stared across the balcony at him. "And just how would you know how I sound?"

"'cause you sat your ass on the control panel a couple nights back and accidently recorded yourself playing Midnight Crows. It was amazing and more than proved what me and Hawk have been saying for months. You can easily front this band! After hearing what I heard, there is no way in hell I'd want anyone else to do it and you're a fuckin' dick for never playing the guitar solo that way in practice."

"I have."

Kelly smacked his hand on the rail of the chair. "Oh bullshit, it hasn't even been close. I played it for Hawk too, in case you were wondering, which might be the other reason he's been so testy with you."

"Joy. Thanks for that."

"Aaron, you know he's working on songs for us, right?"

"Yeah, I helped him with one."

"Good. He read me a few pieces the other night. They're rough, but he'll work out the kinks. Do you really think he's going to trust them to anyone but you?"

"You two play dirty, you know that?"

"Maybe, but sometimes, that's the only thing that gets through to you."

"Let's say I do take his spot and the fans hate it so much they flood our website begging us to bring Hawk back, or worse, insisting that anyone including Big Bird and the rest of the Sesame Street cast would be a better fit than me?"

Kelly rolled on his side and glared at him until Aaron hung his head. "And what if you do, and they love it? You've never once considered that, have you?"

Silently, Aaron waited for him to drop it.

"Damn, Aaron, you really haven't! It's been nothing but negative shit filling your head since you agreed to do this, hasn't it?"

"So what if it has?" Aaron growled. "I fail to see anything positive about my life right now. I've got nothing. Hawk's slammed the door on me visiting and I swear he's a step away from shutting me out of his life completely."

"How close are you to slipping?" Kelly asked when Aaron closed his eyes and tried to tune him out.

"I bought a bottle of Jack," Aaron admitted. "Cracked it open too."

"Did you drink any?"

"Does licking the inside of the rim count?"

"No, but it comes close enough to be concerning. Where is it?"

"Under my bed."

"I want that bottle. We're gonna pour it out together, okay, then we're gonna find a meeting. You need one. Pretty sure I need one too. I added Shawn's number back into my phone, if that tells you anything."

Okay, now that wasn't good, Aaron thought as he locked eyes with him. "Yeah, that you're thinking of getting fucked up."

"Every damn day."

"Maybe…look, do you ever think that what we're trying to do with the band is gonna be what pushes us back over the edge?" Aaron asked. "Like maybe we can't create without all the stuff we used to put into our bodies?"

"I refuse to accept that," Kelly admitted, before huffing out a heavy sigh. "But I have considered the possibility."

"I just…I feel like there's this wall that I can't push past anymore," Aaron admitted. "When I'd get buzzed, or flat out hammered, this soft, floaty feeling would wash over me and I could hyper focus on the music and not think too hard about anything else. Hell, it was the only thing that mattered, well except you guys, ya know. Then everything fell apart and maybe I could have been okay with losing the band if we hadn't decided on getting sober at the same time, but clear headed, everything just sucks. Some mornings I wake up and my first thought is to wonder what the point is. I lay there staring at the ceiling, trying to motivate myself to move and yet, the next thought to follow is why do I have to? Why can't I just lay there and do nothing? Only when I try that, I feel lazy and disgusted with myself. Like I'm all the things my grandparents said I was when they were telling me how disappointed they were in damn near everything about me, and the one thing they always praised me for, it…"

Even in the soft glow of the solar lights, Aaron could see the furious look on Kelly's face. Throat tight, gut all twisted up in knots, Aaron figured the best thing he could do was leave. He sat up, fully intending to do just that, when Kelly reached for him. It barely took a heartbeat for him to make up his mind and grab Kelly's hand. Kelly gave a gentle tug and Aaron plowed into him, bowling him over until they were both sprawled on the deck chair, Aaron laying on Kelly's chest, face burrowed against his shoulder, trembling as he crushed the fabric of Kelly's shirt in his fist and clung.

"I've known you most of your life," Kelly said as he gently ran his fingers through Aaron's hair. "Which is why I can say, with absolute certainty, that you've never been lazy. Lazy people don't teach themselves to play an instrument. Lazy people don't spend their summer vacations doing odd jobs for the neighbors just so they can contribute to a household where they were never made welcome. Lazy people don't push for everything they create to be as perfect as they can make it, and lazy people sure as hell don't buy crafting supplies for little kids that aren't even their own just so they can give their buddy a little bit of time to himself. I just wish you'd stop viewing yourself through your grandparent's eyes."

Having Kelly pet his hair felt almost as good as when Hawk did it, but it didn't have the same soothing effect on his temper.

"How can I not!" Aaron growled; voice half muffled against his shoulder.

"Because half the shit they said to you was because you wouldn't conform to their way of thinking, not because you were actually doing something wrong! That's emotional blackmail and you're still letting them do it."

"You don't know what it's like to keep losing people over and over again!" Aaron snapped. "Sometimes I wish I could have been what they wanted, ‘cause then I wouldn't know what it was like to lose my second family and everything that gave me a chance to actually matter!"

"Bullshit!" Kelly snapped, gripping Aaron's hair to try and get him to focus and listen. "You matter whether you are playing music or not."

"Now who's speaking bullshit," Aaron snapped, trying to pull away, but Kelly kept a firm hold of him until Aaron stopped squirming.

"If I stop playing, how long will it be before you stop speaking to me?" Aaron asked, clinging tighter and hating how pathetic and broken his voice sounded around the tears he couldn't fully choke down. "How long will it take before you forget that I only live two floors down? How long before you hate me too?"

"Never! Shit. Aaron. Is that why you said yes to this new bend? Because you felt like if you didn't, I'd kick you out of my life or something? That's bullshit. I'd never do that to you."

"Why not? Ethan has. Jason has. And Hawk is one step away from it. Everyone has something else, something better, like what we created together doesn't even matter anymore. Well, it matters to me, and I can't forget how good it was, even during the bad times. And maybe…maybe it feels like stepping into Hawk's spot means letting go of all of that and I can't Kelly. I don't want to."

"Or maybe you need to look at it as preserving a space where he can still create and have some form of the outlet he's lost," Kelly remarked, still gently stroking Aaron's hair. "Maybe in all of that you'll get to reclaim something you once loved that's damn near been stomped out of you."

"I never…"

"Yeah, you did. I remember the way you used to talk about choir practice. Your face would light up and you'd be so happy because you'd learned a new song or been given the chance to sing a solo."

"'Cause it made them happy!" Aaron snapped. "Felt like that was the only time they were ever proud of me."

"Well fuck them, they should have been proud about other things too!" Kelly snapped. "All that matters to me is that it made you happy! I don't think you'd have looked at it the way you did if it was all for them. Face it, Aaron. Music, no matter the form, the genre, or where you performed it, has always been in your soul, and that is why Hawk keeps pushing you not to give up on it. It's not because he doesn't want you with him, it's because he doesn't want you to throw away something that makes you come alive."

"It…"

"Shuddup and just listen. Just stop talking, goddammit and stop lying to yourself. You need it as much as you need him. I think you both need the new band too, but I also think it scares the shit out of you to be faced with Micah and Declan. Not only are they strangers, but I think you see in Micah someone who was raised in a very similar way that you were. I don't think you know what to do with someone who might actually understand everything you dealt with and everything you lost in leaving the way you did, so you're scared to fucking talk to him because if you do, I think you know that the floodgates will open the moment one of you says something to trigger the other. Honestly, it would probably be good for both of you with some of the things I've picked up on after conversations with Micah."

"Then it's a good thing he hates talking about that part of his life as much as I do."

"Maybe. Or maybe the universe is looking for a way to make both of you stubborn bastards see that you need to purge this shit from your souls before it eats you alive. Don't think I haven't noticed the way you two connect on those instruments. Yeah, you might forget and accidently call him Ethan from time to time, but the way you vibe with him, that's on a whole different level from the way things were when you and Ethan played together. It always felt to me like there was some layer of competition there, like we were still back in the early says when you were going back and fourth between yourselves trying to work out who was going to play lead and who was gonna handle rhythm."

"Yeah, but we figured it out."

"Not without some animosity, or have you so easily forgotten the rather vicious pranks the two of you used to play on one another."

"Ech."

"No. Not Ech. Someone could have gotten hurt. I'm glad they didn't, and I was always grateful as hell that we were able to work past it, but the tension there was very real and that didn't just vanish into thin air. We worked hard for that. Now it seems like you want to look back on all the tense, unsteady moments we faced with rose colored glasses and pretend they didn't exist. It takes work, effort, patience and trust to build a band, Aaron. We didn't just come together seamlessly because we grew up together. Hell, sometimes it seemed like our fights were more vicious because we knew each other so well. Can't anyone push your buttons like someone who knows the bulk of your secrets."

Aaron huffed, but he was relaxed and had totally gotten comfortable draped over Kelly, like back in the days when the five of them would have to sprawl like puppies to fit on two beds because they didn't have the money for a second room.

"Families grow," Kelly murmured, hugging Aaron to him. "They change, they evolve. People die, sometimes they divorce or move away. It's all part of life. The band breaking up, that's kind of like a divorce, ya know, but families grow too. New people join and it's okay to embrace them. It's not a betrayal of the ones who are gone to accept the ones who come along afterwards."

"Even when it doesn't even feel like a family anymore? Even if it feels like I'm floating in nothing?"

"Give it time, and for fuck's sake, start talking to someone when you're feeling that way. Me, Hawk, your sponsor, hell, talk to Kazzy if you fuckin' have to. Put it into lyrics, even if you don't want to share them, but you need to do something with the emotions you've been experiencing besides just bottling them up."

"Better than lashing out."

"True. But it still isn't helping you any. Just like that bottle of Jack isn't going to help you either. Are you ready for us to get rid of it?"

Aaron tensed, not wanting to move. He was half tempted to tell Kelly to just use his key to go get it, but it would probably be better for his future sobriety if he gave it up voluntarily rather than making Kelly go hunt for it. "Yeah…yeah okay, we'd better."

"Good choice," Kelly said, finally easing up on the hold he had on Aaron.

Even then, Aaron didn't get up right away. He wasn't in any hurry to flee Kelly's presence. His confession about adding Shawn back onto his contacts list, as jarring as it was, had also helped a little, if only to make him feel less alone in his struggles. Aaron still couldn't wrap his head around how him being with the band was supposed to do anything for Hawk besides maintain the distance between them, unless that was exactly what Hawk needed from him right now. Space and distance without having to hear about all the bullshit Aaron was fucking up and all the ways it was making Kelly crazy.

He could do that. And he could give up the bottle, though he was sure as hell gonna smoke up in mourning of it. It wasn't going to be easy, but maybe if he just closed his eyes and focused on the music, he wouldn't get so spun out about the thoughts that raced through his head. And maybe somewhere in the darkness and the notes, he'd find a way to feel like he was worth something again.