Chapter 23

Brexl

I stomped back out to the forest, feeling angry and confused. Why would she say that? I knew she cared for me as a friend, but the way she looked at me when she said what she did... It felt like it went beyond friendship.

I was once again regretting my decision to cut her off when she first tried to explain why she didn’t want me as a mate. Had she changed her mind?

She shouldn’t have. Whatever her reason was for not wanting me as a mate, needed to stay in place. I was not worthy of Taylor. I was cursed. We might be friends, and she may have convinced me that I was worth caring for, but I was still a monster that was only good for killing. That had not changed. She must see that.

She didn’t want me as a mate because I was a monster and that was that. There was nothing else to it.

I bristled as I saw the other couples laughing and enjoying each other’s company as they helped set up for tomorrow. I wanted that for Taylor. She deserved that kind of happiness.

She’s happy with you. A small voice whispered inside my head.

“Ugh!” I grunted aloud as I ran down a hunting trail with no real purpose in mind. I wanted to run away from these conflicting feelings inside me, but I’d settle for running through the forest instead. I shifted into my monstrous form and kept running until I reached a quiet river.

Nothing disturbed the water. There wasn’t even a ripple on the surface. I peered over the edge and got a good look at myself. I had bone plating that covered and protected my eyes and went all the way up to my horns. A bone plate covered my blue chest, and bone spikes lined the backs of my arms.

My claws extended out to the size of talons and my bone-plated tail was lethal with the spikes that covered it from base to tip.

“Monster,” I muttered to myself.

To my right I saw the reflection of another beast entering the riverbank. It was a jagwa with its fangs bared. Then another emerged from the treeline and then another. Three of them against one of me. That was alright. I was made for killing, wasn’t I?

I turned slowly to face them, each of them growling and digging their claws into the dirt.

I struck first, taking the first one down easily by sinking my claws into its neck. The second one jumped on my side. I could hear its claws clattering against my bone plating as it tried to injure me in any way it could. Turning, I struck it down with my bone spikes.

The third one did manage to make contact with my flesh. It scratched me on my side before I could turn and do the same. We battled each other for a long while, this one being the strongest of the three. But eventually, I came out victorious.

Panting, I made my way back to the river where I cleaned myself of the sweat and blood that marred my body, but before I did, I looked down and saw my reflection again. What was capable of taking down a pack of jagwas? A monster, and I certainly was one.

Taylor

CW: conversations about dying in childbirth and suicide

Where was he? I hadn’t seen Brexl since this afternoon when we ran into each other in the hallway. Was he out hunting? Was he mad because of what I said earlier?

Maybe telling him I liked him was too close to what a mate would say. He didn’t want a mate, and I needed to remember that. My hope of being friends with benefits was all but shattered now. I know he enjoyed our kissing lessons as much as I did, but it was getting too hard for me to keep my feelings out of the equation. Maybe this fake mating business had run its course.

I had thought of a few excuses as to why I should stay with Brexl and continue our facade, but now it was time to face reality. I needed to start thinking of a believable cover story for our breakup, or at least a good reason why we weren’t living together anymore.

With a sigh, I got up from dinner and put my dishes in the dirty dish barrel and headed back to our cave, no not our cave, Brexl’s cave, alone.

I had just put my nightgown on when I heard the curtain door open.

Brexl walked in looking wet and tired like he’d just taken a shower.

“Hey.” I gave him a small smile and a wave.

“Hello.” His expression was neutral as he turned to face the wall and stripped off his clothing.

He said nothing else before getting into bed and blowing out all but one candle.

What I would give to know what was going on inside his head. The last time I’d seen him this grumpy was when Scaron let his gaze linger on my body a little too long. I had to sit on Brexl’s lap in order to keep him from getting up and strangling the male.

I padded over to the bed and got under the covers, too. I’d thought of a cover story after dinner as I sat in our- Brexl’s room, alone. I could tell everyone I’d been more affected by Scaron’s kidnapping than even I realized and that I needed some time alone. There were a few empty caves in the mountain that weren’t being used. I could take residence in one of them and pretend to be emotionally healing from my ordeal.

I’d just wait it out until it was no longer awkward for me to not go back to Brexl’s cave. Well, maybe one day I could...no. I couldn’t think that way. There’d be no one day for Brexl and I. He didn’t want a mate, and I needed to accept that.

I should tell him my plan. I turned to face him. He looked magnificent in the dim candlelight. His broad shoulders, offset by his wide chest, and his long brown hair that flowed over the blankets. He was a vision of perfection. What I would give to have him as mine.

I opened my mouth to tell him my plan, but what came out instead surprised me.

“Do you mind if I lay on your chest?”

Maybe it was the fact that our time together was quickly dwindling. Even subconsciously, I could feel the pull of our impending departure. I just wanted the comfort of laying on his chest for one more night. One more night of perfection where I could feel comfy and warm and be the one that chased his nightmares away.

“You should not want to.”

Brexl’s answer took me by surprise. Last time I asked this, he was shy but accepting of my offer. This time, he seemed gruff and almost angry.

“But I like touching you, and you deserve to be touched.”

“I don’t know about that,” he said with a huff.

“What do you mean?”

“Just because you befriended a monster doesn’t mean you have to cuddle with one.”

Where was this coming from? Hadn’t we established that he was worth caring for at the beach?

“Is the monster in the room with us?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

He, of course, took me literally and replied, “Yes, me. Is that not the reason why you don’t want to be mated to me, because I am a monster?”

All the humor left me, and I sat up to fully face him.

“No! Of course not! Is that what you’ve been thinking this whole time?!

I thought he just didn’t want to be mated. I didn’t realize he thought I saw him as a monster.

“Is that not the truth?” He looked genuinely perplexed and angry.

I ran a hand down my face. “No, Brexl. When we luminesed, I didn’t want to be mated to anyone.”

“Why?” he bit out.

“Because of what I said earlier. Every relationship I’d ever been in, I would somehow lose sight of myself and who I was. It’s not just a bad habit. It’s a real problem, and I didn’t want to do the same thing with you.”

He furrowed his brows as he looked away deep in thought.

“You are not a monster.” My tone was firm.

His gaze snapped back to me and his focus was laser sharp, and angry.

“I am a monster, and you should not want to be with me.”

“Brexl, no your n-”

“I am!” he cut me off.

“Why is it so important to you that I see you as a monster?” I was getting frustrated now. I couldn’t understand why he was clinging to this identity so tightly when it clearly bothered him so much.

“I don’t want you to see me as a monster, but I can’t let you go on believing that I’m not one when I am.” He stood up and started to pace the room.

“Did they tell you what happened to my mother? To my sire? What I did to them?”

“I’ve been told your parents died, but no one told me how they died,” I admitted.

“I killed them.” He stabbed his finger into his chest to emphasize the point.

What was he talking about? Surely, if he’d killed them, someone would have said something by now.

“My mother died giving birth to me, and my father, he must have known I was a monster, a beast only good for killing, because he killed himself shortly thereafter.”

My jaw hung open as I took in his words, each one a piercing dagger into my soul. He really believed he was responsible for their deaths.

“I tried to convince myself otherwise, and I’d almost done it, but that night, the one where we all shifted for the first time, everyone looked at the hunters beside me with awe and wonder. Then all eyes turned to me, and their faces turned to horror. All the other hunters looked like heros, while I looked like a beast.

I ran to the river to look at my reflection, and they were right. What stared back at me was the stuff of nightmares. Not even my face had been spared.

The others, when they shift, their face, neck, and chest remain unchanged, but not me. Even my face is covered with that monstrous bone plating, marking me as cursed by the goddess herself.

I am only good for one thing, and that’s killing. So don’t look at me and tell me that I’m not a monster when I am one. Now you know the truth, the full extent of it. I am not worthy to be your mate, and you should not want to be with me.”

He sat down in one of the chairs and buried his head in his hands. His whole demeanor looked down trodden and exhausted, as if carrying this knowledge had been weighing him down for quite some time.

This was not an issue that my friendship or even love would be able to solve. This was a long-held belief for Brexl, and like it or not, he was the only one who’d be able to change his mind, not me.

I got up and moved his small table in front of him. Then I picked up the water basin that he kept next to the door and set it down on the table.

“Brexl,” I whispered his name to test the waters. If he growled or argued with me, he wouldn’t be ready for this conversation.

When he said nothing, I pressed on.

“Women on my planet die in childbirth every day. No one blames the baby for killing their mother. There are a number of things that could cause a mother to die while giving birth. I know it’s not common for your dekes for women to die in childbirth, but that doesn’t mean it was your fault.”

He remained silent.

“I want you to look at your reflection,” I put my hand on his knee.

“I know what I look like,” he said in an annoyed tone.

“Please,” I pleaded, and he reluctantly dropped his hands from his face and opened shiny eyes full of unshed tears.

When he looked at me instead of the basin, I asked again. “Please. Do this for me.”

He slowly turned his head downward and looked at his reflection in the water.

“You know what I see?”

“No,” he whispered.

“I see a kind soul, a considerate spirit, and a compassionate sirret. I see a male who has been molded and shaped to survive on a harsh planet, and do you know what you need in order to survive on a planet like this one?”

“You,” he breathed, and that one word gripped my heart in ways I didn’t know where possible. I wanted to be wanted by Brexl. I wanted that very much, but he had to learn to like himself first.

“You have me, Brexl. We’ve lumincesed. We are bonded for life. I am not going anywhere. You got that?”

A tear streamed down his face, and I wiped it away.

“In order to survive on this planet, you need a blessing from the goddess, the ability to face down any beast that comes your way and survive. Where you see a monster, I see a gift.”

I cupped his face in my hands and turned his attention back to me. “You are not responsible for the death of your parents, but you are good at killing. It is a gift that you can walk in the forest and not be afraid. You were built to thrive on this planet while everyone else is barely able to survive. You, above all others, have been blessed with your shifter form. The goddess loved you enough to even protect your handsome face.”

A soft sob escaped Brexl as he placed his hands on mine.

“I want to believe that,” he whispered.

“You will, but it might take time,” I admitted.

“Look at your reflection again,” I requested, and he did as I asked.

“Repeat after me. I am not a monster.”

“I...I can’t say that.” His words were wet with tears that squeezed my heart. I could see on his face that he wanted to say it, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.

“Then tonight, let me say it for you.”

“Okay,” he gave me a weak smile, and I was happy to see a glimmer of joy come back to his face.

“I am not a monster,” I repeated as Brexl looked at his reflection.

Then I said the phrase again. “I am not a monster.”

A tear fell into the water, making it ripple. I waited for it to clear and repeated the statement again, but this time Brexl mouthed the words as I said them.

“I am not a monster.”

Over and over, I spoke this phrase while Brexl mouthed the words. One day he’d be able to say them for himself, but for tonight, I was happy to be his voice. Just like he’d protected my body over and over again, I would protect his soul.