35. I Need to Not Need You First

I Need to Not Need You First

M ara

Saturday morning, I woke up alone with a hangover, and not the kind that’s the cost of a good night out followed by drunk sex, but the kind that follows crying yourself to sleep. It was late, already nine o’clock. The tv droned on in the family room, and I could hear Olivia’s chatter followed by Zale’s low rumblings.

I reached for his pillow and pushed my face into it, taking in his scent. I felt the wet between my thighs and squeezed them together while I briefly considered taking care of myself, but I couldn’t risk it with Zale and Olivia up and about. It had been a long time for me. In the hospital I had zero sex drive, so I didn’t miss it. Coming home and seeing him, feeling him, hearing his voice, smelling his scent, it was almost impossible to control the want, and I desperately wanted to control the want.

I showered quickly and got dressed, threw my long hair into a ponytail, and decided to forego the makeup for now. I didn’t have any ratty clothes left to wear, Bex took care of hauling them out after our last shopping spree. I pulled on my cuffed and ripped boyfriend jeans with a simple striped blouse with half sleeves a few shades lighter than my jeans that followed the line of my figure. I felt like I was trying too hard, looking for attention, but I had nothing that wasn't cute anymore. Funny, maybe I dressed on the outside like I felt I deserved on the inside.

Zale’s face visibly brightened when I walked into the family room.

“Good morning, gorgeous.”

He walked over and curled his hand around my waist, leaning in to give me a kiss. I didn’t know where to look so I just looked to the side and lifted my face to his. He didn’t kiss me. Flooded with embarrassment at my assumption, my eyes skittered to his in time to see his other hand come up to cup my face. He smiled into my eyes before he slowly lowered his mouth to mine.

What I’d intended to be a peck, a quick one that didn’t stir me up, turned into a soft, easy exploration of my mouth. I stayed as still as I could, fighting the pull of him. He continued to move his sweet mouth over mine. My lips parted and a moan that came from my womb escaped as he slipped his tongue between my teeth, seeking mine. I gave it to him, found my hands grasping the back of his shirt, my tingling breasts pressed against his chest.

His hand that had been at my waist circled around to my back and the hand that had been cupping my cheek slid to the side of my neck, his thumb extended, holding my chin up. He moved impossibly closer, and I felt his erection firm against my tummy, making my womb contract, my knees weak.

He broke the kiss. “Mara,” he whispered against my forehead. “Please let me love you tonight.”

I let go of his shirt, moving an inch away from him, all I could manage seeing as his hands had not shifted.

“I need to not need you first,” I whispered back apologetically.

He fisted his hand in the back of my shirt, pulling me flush against him again. His face dark and intent on me, his jaw tight and ticking.

I could feel how wound up he was, and I was frantic to have that let loose on me, in me. I let my eyes wander over his beautiful face, taking in his lips, his two days of scruff, the longing in his eyes.

“Okay,” I breathed. As usual, there was not a ‘no’ to be found when it came to Zale.

He gave me his half smile and rested his forehead on mine. “It’s going to be a long day. ”

His eyes sparkled with a hint of humor mixed with grief and desire, a heady mix. I wanted to suggest we head back to bed right away when Olivia came in from the sunroom. He released me and turned his back on Olivia, walking away to give himself time to regroup. The simple fact that he needed to filled me with happiness.

“Where are you going, baby?” I teased, feeling lighthearted at the obvious effect I was having on him. He looked over his shoulder, looked me over tip to toes, and smirked as I clamped my legs shut.

“Be careful, gorgeous, or I’ll make you wait.”

It was the exact wrong thing to say.

Shame knocked my gaze to the floor.

Humiliation hit me first in the gut, then exploded on impact, piercing my heart, my lungs, my hope.

I crossed my hands over my stomach, sick with the heavy reminder that I’d never be what I wanted to be for him. I’d flirted and I’d been slapped back, put in my place, reminded that the power was all his, and I was under it. The ‘no’ was all too easily found for him when it came to me.

Zale made an abrupt about-face and headed back but I had already backed up in retreat.

‘Mara, baby…” He reached out a hand. “I didn’t mean it.”

I sent a vague smile his way that I knew didn’t reach my eyes and avoided eye contact. I turned to Olivia who looked back and forth between us, confused at the sudden change in mood. My mask slid into place.

I cleared my throat. “What should we do today, little bird?”

I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. My shirt felt too tight, my jeans showed too much, I needed to cover up. I needed to hide. The new wardrobe, the makeup, in the end it’s all just lipstick on a pig.

“Daddy says we’re going to Auntie Bex’s house.”

I looked in Zale’s direction, a question on my face, to see that he looked wrecked, his jaw tight for a different reason now.

“Rhys texted, inviting us for a barbeque. I told him I’d check with you, but that it would probably be yes. Olivia wants to go.”

I raised my eyebrows, wondering at the change. Usually, she didn’t fuss about going to Bex’s, but it wasn’t something she’d normally seek out, either. Olivia didn’t normally like small children and dogs, they produced too much noise. Bex’s dogs, Moony and Lilliput, were not particularly yappy, but they were chihuahuas, so they were yappy enough. Amelie and Cole were six years old, a while past the crying baby stage, but they could still be rambunctious, especially Amelie.

I turned back to Olivia. “You want to go, little bird?”

“Yes, I have my own room there, and Lilliput comes with me when I go up there. ”

“Well, okay, then,” I agreed, happy she had another place she liked to go.

“We’ve got to leave in about two hours, you get ready now, okay, Livvy? Shower, bag packed, teeth brushed,” Zale directed.

Amazingly, she scooted to do what Zale asked. I watched her leave, more to avoid Zale than anything else. He reached for my shoulder, but I dipped away. I was nothing more than a bitch in heat, always panting after him, always fucking chasing.

“Mara…”

I repeated my words from earlier, my voice flat and emotionless. “I need to not need you first.”

“I understand why you’re upset. I didn’t mean it; I was just teasing you back.”

“You may not mean it this time, but you’ve been doing it, and doing it a lot over the past year.” I took a deep breath, feeling the anger spooling up from my belly, trying and failing to lock it down. I hissed, “You hurt me! You made me feel unwanted for so long. That’s quite a fucking feat for someone who doesn’t fucking mean it!”

This is where he would normally stalk off, and I was already halfway to the bathroom in my mind, my nails buried in my thighs, when he moved in closer, calling my name.

“Mara.” He didn’t touch me but remained only a foot away from where I stood, my face flushed with shame, my entire body trembling with humiliation. “I didn’t mean it. It was a poor choice of words. Please, may I hold you?”

I paced back and forth in front of him, monitoring his face, my doubt and disbelief blocking me from the comfort of his arms. His expression showed only remorse, and hope.

He spoke again, his eyes on me steady. “We’re not going to be able to move forward, baby, if we don’t learn to deal better. Let me hold you.”

“I don’t know if we should move forward, Zee,” I admitted. “I’m not good for you. I’m not sure you’re good for me.”

He waited, unmoving, then opened his arms, inviting me in, as he so often did.

I dropped my head, my anger dissipating as quickly as it rose, replaced by sorrow. The constant up and down was exhausting for both of us. I moved into his arms, accepting comfort, dying for connection, even while contemplating leaving.

He enfolded me against his chest. I kept my chin down and avoided his eyes, not wanting to look like I was asking for a kiss and hugged him around his waist.

There was no longer any need to tamp down my desire. There was nothing there.

Zal e

It was back to what it was like when they were engaged, a minefield to navigate, one he’d refused to learn before, instead relying on ultimatums and fierce boundaries, and on the occasions when those did not work, withdrawal.

There was one crucial difference between then and now. Then, he had no understanding of the fear that endeavored to swallow her whole. Now, he could clearly see the pain and doubt that clouded her perception, so clearly in fact, it was a wonder to him that it had remained hidden from him for so long. He had his own regrets, and his own reason to grieve, because this woman, who had held his heart for so many years now, still could not believe.

He would do things differently this time. He’d pay attention, and he would be the one doing the chasing. Maybe, just maybe, she’d recover her faith in him.