34. We Were Both Wrong

We Were Both Wrong

M ara

I woke up in the early hours Friday morning, disoriented. At first, not feeling Zale’s big warm body beside me, I thought I was still at the hospital. I opened my eyes slowly and took in the view of Olivia’s armchair where Zale folded in on himself, asleep. I looked at the clock, it was only five a.m. I slipped away from Olivia who was spread-eagled across her bed and approached my man. He looked tired, his face drawn.

I touched his shoulder and he startled. “Shh, it’s early, come to our bed.”

He rubbed his face and unfurled his long body from Olivia’s chair, grimacing at the stiffness in his limbs. He followed me closely as I left the room.

In our bedroom I stripped down quickly and grabbed a nightie. He stripped down to his boxers and lifted the covers on my side for me to slip in. I looked at him warily, hoping he wasn’t expecting anything.

He read my face easily. “Just going to hold you, okay, Mara?”

I nodded and he moved in on his side, rolling to shove his arm underneath me and pull me to his side. My head went to its place on his pec and his hand wrapped around my hip, while his other hand covered mine over his heart.

We both sighed deeply. Home again. I wondered if he was just used to me and didn’t want to change, or maybe he didn’t want to disrupt Olivia. Maybe that sigh was him resigning himself to being stuck with me. God knows I was no prize. I pushed the thoughts from my head, needing to concentrate on getting well, I couldn't afford to get caught up in guessing games.

We slept for the next four hours and woke in the same position we fell. I found myself unable to look him in the face, a heavy mantle of shame covered me.

He stroked my hip. “I’m so glad you’re home. ”

I nodded into his chest. God, I loved him so much. I loved his feel, his smell, his voice, his hands, his mind, his heart, his strength. I breathed him in, couldn’t resist rubbing my cheek on the hair covering his wide chest, then rolled away from him to get ready for the day.

We were sitting quietly having coffee when Olivia finally wandered out of her room, headphones already on, bag of happiness in hand. Sirius followed in her wake.

“Good morning, little bird.”

She smiled. “Hi, Mommy.”

I was busy assessing her, looking for cracks in the norm, but she seemed okay. The next few days would tell.

“You’re off today, Daddy?”

Zale’s smooth, mellow voice drifted over me like a sun-warmed wave. I wanted to bask in his warmth. His next words surprised me.

“I’m off for the next two weeks, Livvy.”

I looked up and he laughed. “You two look like mirror images of each other.”

I turned to look at Olivia and saw her looking at Zale with the same expression as I was feeling. I laughed. She gave her dad a hug, which was a rarity, grabbed her cereal and went to the sunroom to eat as usual. I turned to Zale.

“Why? How are you off? ”

He looked at me steadily. “I took a short leave.”

It hit me again, the weight of me, an anchor around his neck. I looked down. “I see.”

“Do you?” he asked.

“Do I what?”

“Do you see?”

“Yes. You needed to take time to get your crackpot wife up and moving again.”

His eyebrows shadowed his eyes, but he answered evenly. “No, I took time off to take care of the person I love most in this world because when she needed me I wasn’t there, and I’m going to make sure I am this time.”

I nodded. Truthfully, I needed extra support to get on my feet, and him leaving me to fend off my mother, look after Olivia, and get back to work, would be negligent parenting on his part. I had to get back on my feet quickly.

“What are you thinking?”

Now, there was a question he’d never asked me before so I answered as eloquently as I could. “What?”

His serious brown eyes met mine. “What are you thinking? About me taking time off to care for you because I love you. ”

I turned my thoughts over in my head, wondering what parts to share, how to reframe them into something that would appease him, something that wouldn’t hurt or offend him.

“Answer honestly, Mara, don’t sugarcoat anything. This can be a new beginning for us, a chance to build something stronger. Please,” he paused and reached for my hand across the table, “let me in.”

Tears sprung to my eyes, again, I was sick of crying, I whispered a warning, “It’s dark in here.”

“Then, let me in,” he stressed, “I don’t want you to sit in the dark by yourself.”

I was quiet for a moment before giving it to him. “I’m thinking that you’re a good dad, making sure Olivia’s mom is okay before leaving me to it. I’m thinking I better get back on my feet quickly because I’ve been too much of a burden already.”

He sat back in his chair and looked at me thoughtfully. “It’s almost like you didn’t hear a word I said. I said nothing about Olivia, although of course she factors. I said, ‘I love you, more than anything else in the world’. I said, ‘I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and that would not continue’. How do you get from that to thinking I'm looking after Olivia and you’re a burden?”

“I don’t know.” He made it sound crazy. “I don’t think I’m loveable, or wantable. I feel like that is the truth, so when you say stuff that’s sweet, I reinterpret it to make it fit into my version of reality. ”

“You know your version is fucked, right?” He crinkled his eyes at me, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Maybe,” I conceded.

He dipped his chin once. “I’ll take a maybe for now.”

Zale

They got through their first night, and Mara had a chance to face everyone who was directly involved, the anticipation of that first meeting no longer hanging over her head. She stared off into space and wandered from room to room, retreating into her cell phone games at times. The times when she was present, she was wary of him, of them, but her humor broke through here and there, and with Olivia she was completely natural.

It was nearing lunchtime. Normally Mara would be preparing something, but she seemed lost in her thoughts and unaware of the time. He used to think that was part of her charm, how she wandered around in her head. Now, it seemed her head was a dark place for her to be much of the time. He was playing cards with Olivia in the sunroom when Mara came in and sat beside Olivia, cell phone in hand, playing a game.

“What do you girls want to do for lunch? ”

Mara looked up with surprise, then guilt shadowed her face before she quickly moved to her feet.

“I’ll get something ready.”

“I thought we could order in. It’s the first day of Dad’s time off, Olivia, what do you think?”

This was a typical game he played with Olivia, conspiring to get takeout.

“Gyro?”

Mara and I both repeated her answer in surprise, “Gyro?”

“Yes, I would like to get gyro,” she answered in her formal way.

Mara looked at Zale in surprised delight. “She spent some time at Bex’s place!”

Rhys and Rebecca loved Greek food; they must have gotten take-out when Olivia stayed with them.

“I wonder how many things she tried?”

Mara laughed and turned to Olivia. “You expanded your palate, hmm? What else did you try?”

“Lemon potatoes. Pita bread. Gyro. Souvakiki.”

Zale smiled wide. “Souvlaki?”

“Yes, souvlaki.”

“Did you like all of those things? ”

“Those ones, yes. I also tried cal-marie, it was rubbery. I did not like it. Rhys was happy, more for him.”

They both laughed that time. “I’ll call Bex and see where they order from.”

She sat back again to make her call, then when the call seemed to go on a bit, she left the sunroom to talk to Rebecca in privacy.

“We’re going to stop after this game, go to the bathroom, so we can go for a drive and pick up the food all together.”

“I don’t want to go. I’ll stay here with Mommy.”

“No can do, Livvy. I want Mommy with me. Tell you what… we’ll all go together, and we’ll pick up ice cream for afterwards. Do you want to bring your bag of happiness? Is there anything you need to add to it for the drive?”

“Yes, there is.”

“Okay, get it ready and go to the bathroom.”

Olivia left to pack her bag and he cleaned up the card game before going looking for Mara. He found her sitting on their bed, staring into space.

“Did you find out where they order from?”

She startled at the sound of my voice, eyes wide, lips parted, her hand on her chest.

“What? Yes.” She took a deep breath .

“You want me to make the order?”

“No, I got it.”

Mara made the order; it would be ready for pick up in 30 minutes.

“We’re all going to go, that good with you, baby?”

“Will Olivia go for it?”

“Yes, but we have to pick up ice cream, too.”

Mara smiled. “Fair enough. What’s she doing now?”

“Getting her bag of happiness ready, going to the bathroom.”

“You got her to agree to do all that? Maybe you should be the stay-at-home parent.”

“Not a chance!” He laughed, then explained, “I don’t have that kind of patience, or your genius in figuring out what to do when the usual methods don’t work. She’s on her best behavior, a bit unsure of what’s going on.” He smiled wryly. “We’ll pay for it next week.”

She smiled ruefully. “This is true, but for now, we’ll go get our Greek on.”

Later, when Olivia was in bed, he watched Mara pace around, poking around in the kitchen, tidying an already tidy sunroom, avoiding looking at him or getting too close.

“Want to watch a movie in bed?”

She raised startled eyes to him and seemed to weigh her options. “Yes, I’d like that. ”

He realized she felt nervous to go to bed with him. Afraid that he’d move to take her? Afraid that he wouldn’t? He’d see if she’d let him hold her while they watched the movie, see if he could get a read on her.

He didn’t want to push too hard, but he didn’t want her to think he didn’t want her either. He did want her, painfully. He cursed under his breath, never having felt so lost and never more certain that he needed to know the way.

They watched a movie, Mara tucked against his chest, his hand caressing her hip. She remained still in his arms, which was odd. She responded like no woman he’d ever known, unable to stop herself from arching into his hand, pressing her chest against his side, little sighs escaping her lips, and there was none of that.

He switched his mindset to doing what he could to relax her, smoothing his hand across her back, resting his cheek on the top of her head, whispering I love yous.

When the movie ended he hazarded a glance in her direction. She was closed up tight. “Mara?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want…” He only got those three words out and saw panic in her eyes, he continued, “to listen to our playlist while we go to sleep? ”

Her face expressed simultaneous relief and sadness. That was not hard to interpret. He may have to push, it wouldn’t be the first time he had to push to get them back to normal, but not tonight.

He added a new song, Red’s ‘Not Alone,’ set up the speaker, and pressed play. While he did that he spoke softly.

“Remember in Stratford, you told me you thought the problems we were having were because of me?”

“Yes,” she snorted out a bitter laugh.

“You thought the problem was all me, well, I thought the problem was all you.” He looked at her and saw her nod resignedly. “We were both wrong.”

Her eyes flew to his, a tiny spark of hope there, and he continued.

“We both have things we need to work on, not just you. One thing I don’t need to work on is loving you, that comes easy. That doesn’t mean I don’t have stuff. I tend to pull away when I get stressed, and I pull away from you when you’re distressed. That’s probably the worst thing I can do to you.”

Her pretty face crumpled, and she wasn’t a pretty crier. He opened his arms and she burrowed in. He held her through the sobs wracking her body, and she soaked his t-shirt with her tears, but when she fell asleep she did it curled up tight to his side.

She’d given him her pain and was presently soft and relaxed in his arms.

He’d count that as another win.