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33. Within Arms’ Reach

Within Arms’ Reach

M ara

The morning therapy session with Marissa focused on creating a care plan for me, including a rundown of the therapeutic supports they had set up for me to continue when I went home, and a review of the therapeutic tools, especially Radical Acceptance, that we had covered, that would help me through the next few days.

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist as well. His determination was that my breakdown was triggered by the collision of a few different situations, like a multi-vehicle accident at an intersection.

“We could look at a prescription, but I feel you’d be far better served if you were to create space for yourself to breathe, by reducing the stressors.”

“There’s not much I can reduce, I don’t think.”

“What about homeschooling Olivia? Can you get some assistance there for a while?”

I thought about it. I hated to let go of any of that.

“Yes. Truthfully, both Willa and Bex would be willing to do lessons with her during their time together.” Both had offered, repeatedly. “I can do that.”

“To my mind, that would be a reasonable concession. My wife homeschools, so I know, a bit, about what you’re doing. I suggest you cut back, make it less stressful for your daughter as well, maybe do the more enjoyable subjects until you all adjust?”

I couldn’t even think clearly about that. “I think maybe we’ll take a week off and then come up with a plan.”

“That sounds good, and maybe your sister and your friend will have some ideas around what they’d like to do, and you won’t have to come up with the plan on your own.”

I looked up at him, slightly taken aback. I’d never thought about asking for input. “That’s a good idea. I’ll do that. ”

He smiled. “Good.” He paused. “Could you tell me a bit about your thoughts on the situation with your mother.”

I thought back. “I think, I’m not sure, but I think I cut off that whole relationship.”

I suddenly felt like the worst kind of daughter. I started to explain, the words flying from my lips. “She set me up, made me think she might be sick, I had to make emergency arrangements for Olivia, disrupt her schedule, drive into the city, which I hate doing…”

I would have gone on, feeling the need to explain my horrific actions, but even in explaining what happened, I felt I came off as lazy and selfish, and she just sounded like an old lady who wanted her daughter’s company. I caught myself. I would never treat Olivia the way she treated me. I had to stop accepting hurtful behavior, the type that I’d never expect anyone else to accept, the kind I’d never dream of visiting on another person, especially my daughter.

“It says in your file that your mother is narcissistic.”

“Yes.”

This I now believed wholeheartedly, and it was reflected in my tone.

“Can you commit to maintaining the space away from her, at least until you get your feet under you again? Narcissistic people have a way of twisting reality that is crazy making for people with the healthiest of self-esteems. For you, being raised in that environment, it’s probable that you do not yet have the tools to avoid being drawn into her dramas. A little time, a lot of space, therapy, all these things can help you to better cope with her.”

“What if I don’t want to cope with her anymore?” I mumbled.

I thought of Willa’s bravery in cutting her off and wished I had the guts to do the same. It wasn’t lack of guts, exactly, that stopped me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she must be feeling. I didn’t want her to be sad, in fact, I wanted to ensure that she wasn’t. I was caught in a cycle of over-responsibility. I recognized it, I wasn’t sure I would be able to escape it, at least not yet.

“You would not be the first, and no one who understood what it is to be involved with a Narcissist would blame you. Most would, in fact, cheer you on. However, I don’t think the stress of a permanent cut-off would be beneficial for you at this time.”

“Would therapy help her?”

“If she wanted treatment, sure, it could help. However, that’s not within your circle of control, and it’s not your responsibility.”

I looked up at him quickly. “Not my responsibility.”

“That’s right.”

“I’m a mess.”

“You’re programmed, but you can undo the programming. I’m astounded at how well you’ve done all these years with little assistance. I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ll do now that you have all the different supports in place.” He paused, the analyst took a momentary step back and the man spoke up to reassure me. “You’ll be okay, Mara. I believe that.”

My next therapy session would be with Marissa, and Zale would be there. With each passing minute my nervousness grew. I worried about how I looked, with no makeup and not having done my hair properly. I worried about what I’d see in his eyes, whether it would be resignation, or worse, resentment.

It turned out it was neither.

When I walked into Marissa’s office, Zale was already seated on the couch. For some reason I expected that I would get there first. Seeing him startled me, and I froze in my tracks.

He shot up from his place on the couch when I entered the room but stopped just as suddenly as I had. We stared at one another. He broke the silence.

“Hi, gorgeous.”

His chocolate eyes melted all over me, filled with longing.

The heat hit my face and he easily read the doubt there.

He continued. “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than the sight of you, right now, standing in front of me.”

“Hi, Zee,” I murmured softly, meeting his eyes, and offering him a small smile.

He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at me, his chocolate eyes shiny. “Hi, baby. ”

I circled a wide arc around him, trying to read his face, not seeing anything there that hinted at any displeasure with me. I sat in the chair tucked right up beside Marissa, kitty corner to his place on the couch. We held each other's eyes.

“You want to sit with me?” He held out his arm in invitation.

I squirmed and looked away for a moment. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I didn’t want to sit with him either. He dropped his arm, and I looked back at him. There was nothing but reassurance in his gaze.

“Not yet. That’s okay. I don’t blame you.”

Surprised, I asked, “You don’t?”

“No, I don’t.” He wrapped his hand around the back of his neck and rubbed hard. “I haven’t been there for you, Mara, not like I should have been. It won’t happen again.” His expression stripped of all artifice, his pain laid bare, he whispered, “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

My eyes overflowed, I hesitantly admitted, “I don’t know if I can be what you want.”

He shook his head resolutely. “All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. I haven’t been a good friend to you, but Mara, I never stopped wanting you or loving you. I made mistakes, got my priorities skewed.” He looked hard at me. “It won’t happen again. ”

I covered my face with my hands, hiding my shame. He may be able to make promises for better behavior, but what if I couldn’t? I attempted to stop the flow of my tears.

“Zee, I don’t know if I can be right, ever. I just don’t know. This thing in me, it’s big and I’m so tired...”

I wiped my cheeks and he leaned toward me from his place on the couch, his elbows resting on his opened thighs, his linked hands hanging in between.

“We don’t need to have all the answers right now. Please, just come home with me. Nothing else, I’ll ask you for nothing else right now, just come home with me.”

I realized suddenly how trapped he was, as trapped as I was, by all the wrong that was me, all that Olivia needed, by my upbringing and my skewed views, my jealousy, my insecurity, my constant need for reassurance. I hated it for him.

I cried harder, spoke through my tears, “We’re trapped, we’re both trapped.”

“I’m not,” he spoke low and fervently, almost angrily, shifting closer from his place on the couch but still not touching me. “I am not trapped. I am exactly where I want to be. Beside you.”

He stood and held out his hands and I launched myself into his arms, burrowing into his chest to get closer to him. He folded himself all around me, his face tucked into the side of mine .

“I’ve got you this time, gorgeous. I promise you; I’ve got you this time.”

God, his smell, his arms, the stubble on his face against mine, I was never happier than when I was close to him. He was home, to me.

Marissa cleared her throat and began to speak but Zale interrupted, “Just give her another minute, please. She’s pulling herself together.”

He knew me. He knew me and he saw me. I took in a shuddering breath and pulled away slowly, almost apologetically. I needed space.

“Will you sit with me on the couch?”

I nodded and sat a foot away from him on the couch. He splayed his hand on the cushion between us and I placed mine beside his, our fingers reaching and just barely touching. We kept that small contact throughout the rest of the appointment.

We outlined plans for continued therapy, and the time came for him to leave, if only for a few hours. He would be back to pick me up after my afternoon appointment with Marissa. He smiled for the first time since he’d gotten there.

“I’m so glad you’re coming home, Mara.”

I must have looked doubtful. “It’s not going to be easy, Zee, I’m unable to be like I was before, holding everything in and holding everything together. I’m pretty broken right now. I don’t have great control over my emotions or my reactions right now. ”

He covered my hand with his and squeezed. “It’s better this way. Sometimes things need to break to be put back together properly. We’ll be more beautiful for the breaking. Like one of those broken vases your sister loves so much.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I agreed. We stood up and I immediately turned into his arms. He held me tight, his face pressed against the top of my head.

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” he whispered into my hair. He kissed the top of my head and left me there with Marissa to debrief.

I hated to watch him walk away from me. Half of me wanted to run after him, the other half wanted to run as far and as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I had no faith in my ability to be good for him, and my faith in him was at an all-time low.

“It is my professional opinion that that man loves you. You guys are going to be okay.”

“You think?”

“I do.”

I plodded back to my room and checked my iPad. He added another song to our playlist, ‘The Luckiest’ by Ben Folds.

Music was therapy for me, always had been. For the first time I added a song back, Staind’s ‘Tangled Up in You.’

Then I prepared what little I had to take home with me .

Zale

He opened their playlist when he got home, checking what he’d added so far. He saw a song from Mara’s favorite group, one he had not added, and sat down hard in the kitchen chair, humbled by the unexpected gift. He clicked play.

He listened intently, looked up the lyrics to be sure, then, with his face in his hands he prayed for the first time in too long for the strength to be what she needed.

Seeing her at the hospital, he realized just how gravely she’d stumbled, and how fragile she was at that moment. He reminded himself that none of this was new, she’d been dealing with this for a long time, and now she would have him at her back, exactly where he intended to stay, because the past few days without her had been long enough.

Rhys’s words rolled around and around in his head, bringing further clarity of purpose. He would find his way forward and he’d drag her with him if necessary, even if he had to follow her down into her personal hell to do it.

He rubbed his face hard, gripped himself by the back of the neck for a moment, then stood to tackle the kitchen clean-up, not wanting a mess to be the first thing she saw. He couldn’t do much about the unmatched paint splotch on the wall, but at least Rhys had repaired the hole .

He prepared for her return home as best he could. In terms of minutes and hours it was not a long wait, but it seemed interminable, and his world did not begin to click back into place until she sat in the passenger seat beside him on their way home. She was unnaturally quiet, her spirit subdued, watching the world outside her window as it streaked by on their way home. He realized they had a long way to go but he’d be involved this time. Finally, she broke the silence.

“Where’s Olivia?”

“She’s with Bex.”

“How is she?”

He paused. “Not great but doing better than expected.”

“What did you tell her?”

“The doctor suggested, considering where she’s at, to tell her you had a stomach bug and got dehydrated, needed to be in the hospital to get rehydrated and get the right treatment.”

“We need to get back on routine pretty fast, I guess.”

“Not too fast. We’ll get her through the change in routine, but you are my priority right now.”

He glanced at her profile. Usually in the car she had her hand on his thigh, and she often studied him as he drove. He missed her touch, her gaze, and her chatter, none of which he had at that moment .

“More than anything, we need to find a way forward that will be good for both of you. You will mostly oversee that. You know best what she needs, you know best what you need.”

“What about what you need?”

He reached for her hand, and she tentatively slid her palm across his, closing her fingers around his.

He held her hand tightly. “I have what I need.”

“That’s not true,” she mumbled quietly, “but we can maybe get there, too.”

He gave her another squeeze. “That’s my girl. This is not our first storm. We’ll ride this one out and be stronger for it, just like every other time.”

There was silence again in the car. They were getting closer to home and there was a subject he needed to address before they got there.

“I spoke to your mother.”

She responded immediately, “I can’t talk about her right now, Zee.”

“That’s the answer I expected. She’s going to keep a distance for a while. I’m going to make sure of it. You’ll take whatever steps you need to take whenever you’re ready.”

Mara’s eyes got big. “She agreed to that?”

He smiled. “Agreed might be too strong a word. ”

There had been, in fact, no agreement, but for the next two weeks he was the gatekeeper and he’d make sure she didn’t enter.

“Huh,” she mused. She’d expected him to want her to smooth things over. “Okay, baby. That sounds perfect actually.”

He’d thought long and hard about how to bring everybody back together after the trauma they’d all witnessed. His instincts were to carry her off to a secluded island like a caveman, hide her away, and keep her to himself, but that was what he wanted, not what she needed.

Over and over her doctor and therapist stressed that the more support she had, the better she would be. They also made clear to him what that support should and shouldn’t entail.

Keeping Bea out of the picture was paramount. That wasn’t a decision he could make for Mara in the long run, but for now it was how it was going to be.

Dean and Sophie knew she’d had a breakdown, but he’d left the details deliberately vague. He needed to talk to her about how transparent she was willing to be.

Willa, Bex, even Rhys, would be there for her, and for him, and for Olivia, and the sooner he got Mara past the discomfort of seeing them for the first time, the better. Leaving Mara to stew was never a great idea.

Willa was waiting at the house when they got home .

“Willa is here?” He could hear the combination of anxiety and excitement in her voice.

He answered her wryly, “You think I had a choice in the matter?”

She laughed and it made him smile.

“She would have stayed away if I’d asked her to, she was unsure if you would want to be alone with Olivia and I, but I assured her that you needed her too.”

“You did right.”

He breathed out. He wasn’t sure she’d agree when Rhys and Bex showed up with Olivia, but better to rip the band aid off quick.

He hoped.

As soon as they got through the door Willa had Mara in her arms, and they stood for several long moments holding each other tightly. Willa drew away first with a shuddering breath.

“You okay, Merry?”

Mara wiped her tears and put her most reassuring face on. “I will be, honey. I’m much better now, and I’ll be better than I’ve ever been. Okay?”

Willa nodded. “I’m here for whatever you need. I have some ideas, but we can talk about that later when you’re ready.”

“Ideas for what?” Mara looked half wary, half curious .

“Ideas to help you get back on track, ideas for homeschooling, time for you, just some thoughts.” She raised her hands to fend off the objections she fully expected. “You’ll steer the ship; I’ll be the first mate.”

Mara smiled but she looked tired, a bit harried. She looked around and startled when she noticed the wall just as Rhys walked in.

“What the hell happened here?” she exclaimed in surprise, pointing to the wall.

Zale and Willa glanced at each other, surprised she didn’t remember.

Rhys answered, “Hey, Mara.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek and she blushed. “I’ll fix it as soon as I confirm the paint color with you. I just ran in ahead of Rebecca and Olivia to give you a heads up that Olivia’s on her way in.”

“Thanks, but, what happened?”

Zale answered, “I’ll tell you later. Olivia is coming up the walk.”

He moved in beside Mara, unsure how Olivia would react and feeling an intense need to protect both of their feelings. He needn’t have worried. Mara was a mother first, and Olivia’s feelings always took precedence.

Olivia walked right up to Mara and studied her face. Mara smiled down at her, giving her time, letting her assess the situation.

“Hi, little bird. I missed you. ”

“Are you better?”

“Not all the way, but I will be.”

Olivia leaned in, resting her forehead on Mara’s chest. Mara wrapped her hand around the back of Olivia’s head.

“I missed you, Mommy.”

Mara looked at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “I missed you, too. I’m home now.”

“Auntie Bex’s dogs are loud when they’re hungry… worse than the baby birds in our tree. Did you know we have baby birds?”

Mara’s pleasure shone from her face. “No, I didn’t know that! Which tree?”

Olivia went on to explain and after she’d satisfied herself that her mom was okay she wandered off to the sunroom to play in her Zen Garden.

Mara stood still, looking pensively at the floor, in almost the exact same spot she stood when Rhys held her through her breakdown. She looked up in the sudden silence, searched out Rhys’s eyes, and whispered, “Thank you.”

He nodded to her, his expression serious, and kind as always. “I’m glad I could help.”

Zale watched as she swung her gaze around to Bex and winced. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she admonished briskly, her eyes bright .

“I wouldn’t have liked that,” Mara admitted.

She shook her head. “It’s okay, Mara, I’m glad he was here. He knew what to do when we didn’t. He helped me to help you for a change. That meant the world to me.”

Zale moved closer to her, still wary of her reception of him.

She shuddered and grasped his arm. “I’m sorry, Zee.” Her gaze landed somewhere around his ear. She refused to meet his eyes. She would have been devastated had the roles been reversed.

He took advantage of her reaching out to him and drew her into his arms. “No, I’m sorry, gorgeous. You were trying so hard, and I let you down. It won’t happen again.”

He watched as the meaning of his words sunk in, and noted that they brought her no relief, and realized how much work he had ahead of him to gain her trust. Every few minutes, it seemed, he was reminded that she was hurting, and it was a hurt to which he had contributed.

Willa came over and put her arms around both of them and he opened his arm to pull her in close for a moment.

Willa took Mara’s hand. “Girl time?”

Mara pulled away from him, dragging her hand across his abdomen, not breaking contact with him until he was out of reach, though she still wouldn’t meet his eyes. She followed Willa to where Bex was standing waiting for her turn to welcome Mara home .

Zale and Rhys escaped to the back deck, beers in hand.

Zale broke the silence. “She’s a mess.”

Rhys looked down, his voice subdued. “Yeah.”

“Fuuuuuuck. Now I’m the one who feels like throwing things.”

“I’m not cleaning up any more of your messes,” Rhys responded drily.

Zale snorted and Rhys chuckled. “You did some reading.”

“I did.”

“It looks like her emotions are a little more under control at least. She has good therapy now, she’ll learn how to deal, but it’s going to take time for her to regain her equilibrium after a break like that.”

“What do I do in the meantime? She’s so spacey, and she seems to be holding herself apart.”

It was strange asking for advice from another man about his wife. He was used to looking after her. He knew her better than anyone, but he was lost. How lost must she feel?

Rhys looked sideways at him. “What would you normally do?”

The answer was so simple really, it wouldn’t fix anything, but it could give her a firmer foundation from which to start the work she needed to do.

“Huh.” He didn’t say it aloud, but Rhys read him loud and clear .

He turned with a smirk on his face and put a hand on Zale’s shoulder. “Until she can’t even think or breathe, for as many days as it takes, until she regains her balance.”

Rhys blew out a short breath, then continued, staring off into space. “When I got Amy back, after those three months when she left me? I thought my dick was going to fall off. It slowed down as she got a handle on things. I normally would not talk about this, and I never talk to anyone about Amy, her privacy is important to me, so I understand how difficult it is for you to talk about Mara, but I care about you guys. If I can give you information that can help you over this next hurdle, information I wished somebody had given me, I’m happy to do it. Just, keep it to yourself.” He took a long draught of his beer and shook his head. “Our women talk, man.”

Zale grimaced, but his eyes crinkled. “Like fuckin’ magpies.”

It was a relatively short visit, but it felt like years passed before they all left. Later that evening, he peeked into Olivia’s room. Mara lay on her side, her arm around Olivia’s waist, Sirius curled on top of Olivia’s feet.

His girls.

His world.

His purpose.

He slipped out of the room silently, not wanting to wake Olivia, giving Mara space with their daughter. This was not a usual part of the routine, but understandable under the circumstances. He set up the Bluetooth speaker in their bedroom, hoping she’d listen to the playlist with him at night, praying she would let him hold her.

He couldn’t read her signals. She had locked herself down like he’d never seen before, holding herself apart from him where he’d grown used to her striving always to be close. He added the next song to the playlist.

He waited for her for an hour before going to Olivia’s room to see if she was ready to come to bed only to find her sound asleep. He sighed, not wanting to wake her, but more, not wanting to push her.

The extra blankets on the blanket ladder would do for tonight. He covered Mara, sat down in the armchair in Olivia’s room, covered himself, and went to sleep within arm’s reach of everything he needed.

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