36. Hold Your Fuckin Chin Up

Hold Your Fuckin Chin Up

M ara

Faces and echoes of memory slide through my thoughts,

a fist in my hair, one that shouldn’t be there,

Tears on Willa’s face,

Rebecca’s hands around mine, my hope seeping through our fists,

Zale, Zale, I can’t see,

When my thoughts rest on him I spin the wheel hard,

Anything else but his tears,

Anything else but his pain.

Zale, I can’t unsee.

Yesterday at Rebecca and Rhys’s house turned out to be more fun than I expected. Olivia was truly comfortable there, not unlike when she was at Willa’s. I could see why when I saw her interacting with both Bex and Rhys. They were flexible and easygoing with her, and when she told them something they listened and responded in a way that she knew she was heard. I could see she felt safe.

She largely ignored the twins, which wasn’t terrible as they were a self-contained unit much of the time, but when they were together she acted like an older cousin, watching their movies with them, sharing snacks, sitting together on the couch with the dogs. For me it was a bittersweet sight, the siblings we hadn’t given her.

Barrett was there, as was Willa, but they seemed cool with each other, and I wondered if something had happened. I had convinced myself they’d make a lovely couple but if they were ever headed in that direction they seemed to have taken a definite detour.

Barrett was kind to me, as always. I could bask in his kindness. I found myself relaxing in his steady presence, something I’d not been able to do since before going to the hospital.

He didn’t make it a secret that he knew where I was, he just asked me in his direct, matter of fact manner if I was doing better, then offered his encouragement. Most of the good stuff he expressed in three words or less. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, he made it count.

Talking to Rhys, which had always been a bit uncomfortable as he was just so damned attractive and I so dumpy, proved to be even more uncomfortable. I could still feel his hands in my hair, his beard on my face, his chest at my back, his arms tight around my waist, and his fist locked around my wrists.

An intimate hold, so out of place in our friendship. I was painfully aware of him, mortified that he’d seen me mentally unhinged, flayed open, and exposed.

He rescued me, and I didn’t want the role of one needing rescue. I’m not sure I wanted to need anyone.

Even deeper than that, I’d already felt inferior to all of them, now I felt like something small and repugnant.

That was it.

It was the shame that made the memory so relentless.

I was taking a breather on their back deck when I heard the sliding door open behind me. I turned, smiling, expecting to see Willa or Bex, but was surprised to see Rhys coming out instead. Before I could escape back into the house, he spoke.

“I’d like to talk. You seem to be having great difficulty being in my space.” He waited for me to speak and continued when I stared at him mutely. “Let’s clear the air, so that we protect the friendship Rebecca and I cherish with you and Zale. ”

I struggled to find the words, I owed them to him.

I admitted, “I’m embarrassed.”

“What part is embarrassing?”

How could I explain that him being forced to hold my chubby body was mortifying? I didn’t even trust Zale to accept me and not be secretly disgusted. No, he couldn’t have that part. I’d give him the rest though.

“I’m embarrassed because I lost control, and you saw it, and had to deal with my shit, which wasn’t your problem. You’re Bex’s husband. I don’t want to be that friend that you can’t stand.”

He nodded. “I understand why you might worry about that. Perhaps if that had been my only experience with you, I’d be wary, but it wasn’t. I’ve known you for years Mara, I know your heart, I’ve seen you with your family and mine. I also have experience with your condition.”

He met my eyes, his head cocked to the side, his dark steely blue gaze studying me.

I realized with a shock that he could see me, the me I tried to hide, and he wasn’t appalled.

He began slowly, weighing his words. “I want you to understand that I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for you. Who you are, how you managed all these years, how you’ve rebalanced time and again, is nothing short of amazing. I know, in the same way Zale knows, how hard you work. I am honored,” he stressed the word honored by clapping his big hand over his even bigger heart, “that I was there to help you, blessed to have you in my life, and humbled by your strength. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of with me. When you see me, you hold your fucking chin up.”

I studied him right back, saw the truth on his face, and felt the happiness bubble up inside. I laughed suddenly, my head thrown back, then laughed again, meeting his eyes joyfully. The emotions, all of them too big and too close to the surface, but at least this one was positive.

He grinned back at me, and then chuckled, shaking his head. “C’mon back in the house?”

He held the door open, waving me in ahead of him, and slid it shut behind me. Zale was standing where he had a view to the back deck, his face blank and expressionless. I wondered what he was thinking. He locked eyes with me and smiled. I smiled tentatively back, unsure of myself.

Willa called me to come to the table. When I turned back to look at Zale, Rhys had handed him a beer, and they went out front together. Barret followed a moment later, and I sat for the next hour, feeling welcome and at ease, chatting and laughing at the kitchen table with Bex and Willa.

Olivia was having a time, a good one, and she didn’t want it to end. It took Zale’s and my combined efforts to get her out of the house, a feat that took more than half an hour, and included a fair amount of yelling on Olivia’s part.

I worried about how the twins were taking it, but like everything that came their way, they took it in stride. Cole walked up to Olivia while she sat curled up on the couch, Willa beside her lending her comfort, and handed Lilliput to her.

Olivia couldn’t speak to thank him, but she took the dog from him, and that was the beginning of her pulling herself together. Might have to replace that goldfish with a dog we could cart around. Too much to think about right now.

I approached Rebecca. “I’m sorry, Bex.”

She was watching the scene play out between Cole and Olivia, a small smile on her perfect bow lips. “What for?”

“Olivia’s behavior in front of the twins.”

Her eyebrows snapped together. “Don’t apologize for Olivia, she’s got her rights same as you, same as me, same as all of us. You think Amelie doesn’t have episodes? Besides,” she laughed, “this is nothing compared to the meltdown she had last week. She’s good, and she’s good here with us. Stop worrying.”

“She had a meltdown last week?”

Bex shook her head. “Knew you’d focus on that part. Yes, she had a meltdown. It was epic. Of course, your absence was hard on her, however, it had an unexpected benefit, and that is that she had a meltdown, Rhys and I were there for her, and she now trusts us. It’s all good.”

“It shouldn’t have happened.”

“Why not? Only you can be there for Olivia? You want her to only have you?”

“No.” Yes? Maybe that was a secret ‘yes’? “It’s just that I caused her meltdown and that shouldn’t have happened.”

“Well,” Bex replied in her brusque manner, “it did and it’s all good, better even, for her. Now you know you can afford to have a little more faith in her ability to deal and adapt, because she has shown us that she can. She’s strong, strong enough to forge new connections. You gave her that foundation. I’m just happy she chose to connect with us. It’s a gift.” She leaned over and hugged me. “Just like you’re a gift. I love you, Merry.”

My thoughts were spinning but they came to rest on her final words and the only ones that really counted in the end.

“I love you, too, Bex. Thank you for loving her.”

Rebecca smiled. “It’s not hard.”

I grinned. “This is true.”

“True for you, too.”

I ducked my head, not ready to admit that possibility.

She snorted. “If I was a man I’d noogie you and put you in a headlock until you tapped out. ”

I laughed. “You’ve been watching too many fights with Rhys and Barrett.”

That night I elected to sleep in the spare room away from temptation, but Zale wouldn’t have it.

“I won’t touch you, Mara, but I want you beside me.”

I tried to argue but he wouldn’t budge.

We lay side by side, I placed my hand on the bed between us, he reached for it and enclosed it in his, turned on our playlist, and I slept.

Zale

His misplaced anger with Rhys had cooled. It wasn’t Rhys’s fault that his wife had lost her faith in him, that was on him. The fact remained, she did not trust his feelings, and she did not believe. He couldn’t count how many times she’d confessed to him over the years that she wished he’d been the one chasing her, instead of her chasing him.

Back when they started, he played it cool, and it had worked out for him the way he’d wanted it to. She was hooked. He’d told her over and over that if she hadn’t chased him, he would have run her to ground, and that he was happy, happy that she was his, as that had been his intention all along .

He didn’t realize until this moment just how lucky he’d been that he didn’t have to chase her down and convince her to be his.

It wasn’t fun.

He woke early on Sunday morning to find her hugging her side of the bed. This was so far from usual it underlined for him how far they’d fallen.

When hurt she would withdraw. From experience, he knew she would spiral further up and further out, and it would be up to him to close the distance between them before her skewed thoughts carried her too far away.

He rolled to her side and curled his body around her back. She pushed back against him in her sleep, wiggling her bottom into his lap and pressing her back against his chest. He wrapped her up and felt rather than heard the deep breath she took in her sleep as her body went limp in his arms.

She was still sleeping hours later when he saw Olivia poke her head into their room. She gave him a little wave and he placed his finger over his lips to tell her to be quiet. She waited in the doorway, watching as he eased away from Mara, tucking his pillow against her back, and covering her with blankets still warm from his body.

Gently closing the door, he smiled at Olivia as they headed to the kitchen.

“Breakfast? ’

“Yes, Daddy. I’ll make you my super incredible peanut butter sandwiches.”

“Sounds good, sweetheart. I’m making coffee, do you want hot chocolate?”

She thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Do chocolate and peanut butter go together?”

“Do chocolate and peanut butter go together?” he asked incredulously. “Have you never had a Reese’s peanut butter cup?”

“No. Is that a chocolate?”

“It is. We need to rectify this situation. I’ll buy you one later today and you can tell me what you think.”

“What if I don’t like it?”

“I’ll buy you a Caramilk, too.”

He watched the wheels turn in her head. She turned her big brown eyes, as luminescent as her mother’s, on him, asking, “What if I do like it? Can I eat them both?”

He laughed. “Absolutely.”

After breakfast, Olivia headed off to shower, and he returned to Mara. He eased the bedroom door open to find her lying on her side in the same position he left her, staring into space. She didn’t bother to acknowledge him.

“Mara? How’re you doing, baby? ”

She sighed. “I’m okay.”

“You don’t seem okay.”

He sat on the side of the bed, his hand on her hip and she flinched. He thought for a moment to move his hand, but every instinct he had told him to leave it there.

He squeezed, whispered, “My favorite part.”

A tear welled and slipped over, sliding across her nose, and dropping on the pillow.

He lay down in front of her, struggling to fit in the bit of space between her and the side of the bed. “You’re my favorite everything.”

She shook her head.

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly. “Yes, you are. You are my favorite, you are my everything, you are my reason, the reason I do everything I do.”

She didn’t speak but tucked her head under his chin, drew in a shuddering breath.

“I’m sick of this,” she whispered.

“Sick of what?”

“The up and down. The uncertainty. The constant fucking drama.”

“Let’s take a break today. ”

She scoffed. “How am I supposed to take a break from my own brain?”

“Distraction.”

He knew this was one of her tools.

“Yeah?” She sounded hopeful. “How will we do that?”

“We’ll get ready, go for a drive to Dean and Sophie’s for a coffee, pick up take-out for lunch if Sophie doesn’t feed us, come home and work in the garden, I’ll barbeque for dinner, and we’ll have a fire in the pit tonight when it starts to get dark.”

She tensed at the mention of going to Dean and Sophie’s but seemed to be on board by the time he finished talking.

It would be good for Mara to see Sophie. God knows, Sophie needed to cluck over her. She was driving him crazy with the constant phone calls.

“You’d like that, too? Not just for me?”

“I’ll like it, too.”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

He gathered her closer then dipped his chin and felt her freeze up. He brushed his lips across her forehead, down the side of her face, feeling her tilt her chin to give him access, his heart smiled. His lips traveled back up along her hairline, the corner of her eye, the tip of her nose, and then, with his fingers tipping up her chin, and trepidation in her eyes, he lightly brushed his mouth across hers, just once, before turning and near falling off the damn bed.

She snorted out a laugh as he staggered to his feet, and he grinned at her. A stolen slice of light.

The drive out to Dean’s was tense with anticipation. Once there, Sophie did what Sophie always did, and Mara left much happier than when they first arrived. He had no doubt Sophie would be there for her over the following months.

They had a peaceful family day, the kind that could hit the reset button for the whole week, and he sincerely hoped it had. They lay down that night facing each other. With their music playing softly in the background, he kissed her just as he had that morning, and she fell asleep before he did.