Twenty-five

Twenty-five

Jude

I have nowhere else to go, so I head for our old house. It’s been condemned since the night our dad died. I kind of expected it to be destroyed by now, but it’s still standing. Though it’s obvious it hasn’t been taken care of or lived in for years.

Carefully, I sit on the old steps of the porch and light a cigarette. It feels weird to be here. So much happened in this house that hurt more than I could stand. But there was a lot of good too. This is where I formed my relationships with Dom and Rowan. Where we protected each other no matter what.

Still, when headlights cut across the grass, I pull back a little. For some reason, I’m worried it’s Dad. Then I get scared that it’s Grant, coming to finish what he started in the elevator.

But the Charger parks at the curb, and Rowan and Dom climb out. I relax when I realize it’s just them. “What are you two doing here?”

“Max called,” Rowan replies. From the neutral tone of his voice, I’m guessing Max didn’t tell him about us. “He said you showed up at the bar pretty upset and wanted us to make sure you were all right.”

“He overreacted,” I mumble, taking another drag from the cigarette. Then I glance at Dom. “You’re supposed to be taking care of last-minute shit for the wedding.”

“Making sure a wayward groomsman is going to be there is last-minute shit,” he replies as he takes a seat on my left, and Rowan takes the one to my right.

“You don’t have to do this. I’ll be there, Dom. I promised I would.”

I expect him to make some jab about how I left before, and I’d do it again. But he doesn’t. Instead, I feel him look over me to meet Rowan’s eye, and it makes my skin prickle. They used to do that when I was a kid and they thought I couldn’t handle something. Usually Dad.

“Why were you so upset when you went to the bar?” Rowan asks, his voice soft.

I should lie to them like I always do. But what the hell do I have left to lose? Grant’s going to get me eventually. He’s going to hurt me, and there’s nothing they can do to stop it. When I told Rowan the truth of why I lied all those years ago, I felt better. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try it.

“Grant’s been following me since I came back to Brooklyn.”

“More than just the hotel parking lot?” Rowan asks.

“What?” Dom demands. “You knew about this?”

“Just the one time. He told me Grant talked to him in the parking lot of the hotel he stayed at the first night. He didn’t say anything else.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dominic asks, glaring at Rowan.

“Because Jude told me in confidence.”

“You should’ve said something,” Dominic snaps before turning to me. “Did he hurt you?”

“Not that night. But he hit me the next time he saw me. In the alley outside Max’s place.”

“I knew you didn’t just get fucking mugged,” Rowan says. His voice is heated with anger. “Why did you lie to me about that?”

I lift my free hand to run it through my hair like that’ll give me some type of clarity. “I don’t need you fighting everything for me. Grant wanted me; you guys had nothing to do with it.”

“You’re our brother,” Dominic says. “We have everything to do with it.”

I shake my head and take another pull of the cigarette. I don’t think they’ll ever understand why I did what I did.

Rowan nudges me with his elbow. “Tell him what you told me. About why you lied when I was arrested.”

Dominic stills beside me. I think he’s pissed that I told Rowan and not him. But I didn’t owe him an explanation. I only owed that to Rowan. But just like everything else right now, it feels like it doesn’t even matter. Because Grant will always be there. He’ll find a way to get to me, no matter what.

So I tell Dom everything. I tell him about the threats Grant made, how Dad said he was going to kill Row when he came back home. I can feel him getting angrier, fidgeting restlessly as I talk. He probably thinks I did the wrong thing, but I don’t care. It’s too late to change anything now.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he asks when I’m done. It’s about the last thing I expected him to say.

“Why would I tell you?” I ask. “It’s humiliating. You think I want you guys thinking about me in that position? You have no idea what it was like. The things we did together…” I stop before anymore words come out. The stuff I do with guys, with Max, that’s intense, but it’s not like with Grant. Because when I’m with a guy, we both want what’s happening. I make sure of it before we start.

“You don’t have to tell us details,” Rowan says. “But you should’ve told us he was hurting you.”

“Why? So Dad could go ballistic and kill one of us? It was better that I just made sure Grant was happy. It kept Dad happy.”

Dom frowns as he stares out into the distance. “You mean those months right before Row went to juvie when he was semi-nice was because you were fucking his friend?”

Heat shoots into my face, but I answer. “Yes. And I’m not sorry.”

Dom shakes his head but doesn’t say anything else. We sit in silence for a few minutes, and I listen to the sounds of the city, the trains and people. The music floating from someone’s apartment.

Finally, Rowan asks softly, “Outside in the alley, was that the last time Grant tried to see you?”

“No. Last night. I was in the elevator in your building, on my way up. He caught the door and got on with me.” Just remembering that moment makes me want to shiver, but I hold it together because I don’t want to do that in front of them.

“What happened in the elevator?” Rowan prompts when I pause too long.

“He tried to… But I got away. He was really angry.” I close my eyes, trying not to picture his face again. I don’t want to feel his hands on me again or remember the disgusting stuff he said to me when he was trying to pull my clothes off.

I rub my eyes. “I know it must seem ridiculous to you guys. But when I’m near him, I don’t feel like nine years have passed. I feel like I’m fifteen again, and like if I piss him off, he’ll tell Dad. And then you guys will get hurt. And I know in my head that I’m an adult now and that Dad’s dead and Grant doesn’t actually have anything to hold over me anymore. But my body just can’t get with the program. It’s like my whole system starts to shut down, and the only thing I can focus on is making sure Grant’s happy. When I fought him off in the elevator, after I got away, I considered going back to him because I knew he was so angry.”

I swallow before admitting, “I almost did go back. I had to talk myself out of it.”

“Jude.” Dom’s voice is soft, softer than I’ve ever heard it before. His hand twitches, like he wants to touch me but feels like he shouldn’t. I’m glad he doesn’t. I don’t really want anyone’s hands on me right now.

“That doesn’t sound ridiculous to me,” Rowan says. “It’s a trauma response. It’s not your fault.”

I shake my head. They should be yelling at me, telling me that what I did was wrong. That I should be stronger now. I don’t want them to be nice to me.

“He’s right,” Dom says. “No one could possibly expect you to know what to do when you see Grant again.”

“You two would be fine,” I mutter.

Rowan reaches over and takes the cigarette from my hand. He drops it to the dirt and flattens it under his boot. Then he looks at me. “Look, I’m not a shrink, and I have no idea what goes on in your head. But you always refer to what happened between you and Grant as a relationship. And maybe that’s part of why you’re having so much trouble. I don’t think you’ve really accepted what it was.”

I turn his words over in my head even though I want to dismiss them immediately. Back when it first started, I knew it wasn’t a relationship. He was hurting me, and I hated every moment of it. But then Rowan found out, and Dom, and I had to lie to them. I had to lie to the cops and teachers and other kids at school. Maybe somewhere along the way, I started forgetting what it really was.

“I just don’t want you thinking that it was normal,” Rowan continues softly. “Or that you deserved it, because you didn’t, Jude. He was a creepy, sadistic son of a bitch, and he took advantage of you.”

My throat tightens at his words. It’s almost the opposite of what I’ve been telling myself all these years. I deserved it because I caused trouble at home and made Dad mad, and then he would hurt Dom or Rowan. If I fought Grant, it meant I thought I was better than my brothers. Like it was okay for Dad to hurt them just so I wouldn’t have to be miserable.

I don’t even realize I’ve said all that out loud until Dominic shushes me quietly.

“You didn’t owe us anything,” Dominic says. “We never would’ve chosen for you to go through that.”

“I know. But that’s why I couldn’t tell you. I knew you’d stay with Dad forever, and I couldn’t not do what Grant wanted just so I wouldn’t be hurt.” My voice shakes a little, and I reach for another cigarette.

Rowan puts a hand on my wrist as I’m reaching for my lighter. “Why’d you go to the bar tonight? Were you looking for one of us?”

“Yeah, no.” I release my lighter even though the craving for a smoke is still incredibly strong. “Max didn’t exactly tell you the truth. We’ve been seeing each other.”

Dom snorts.

“Really?” Rowan demands. “My boss? You couldn’t find anyone else in the whole city?”

I shrug. “He does it for me.”

“I don’t want to hear that.” He releases my wrist, so I slide the lighter out of my pocket and fire up another cigarette.

We’re all quiet for a few minutes. Rowan lets me have a few pulls of the cigarette before taking it from me again.

“What’re we going to do about Grant?” Dom asks finally.

“We aren’t going to do anything,” I reply. “I’m leaving the day after tomorrow, so it’s a non-issue. It’s not like he’s doing it to anyone else.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe the reason why you keep moving around is because you’re worried about Grant finding you?” Dom’s voice is gentle, but I still bristle at his words.

“I like to travel.”

“Jude.” It’s all Rowan needs to say for me to understand they don’t believe me.

“We missed you,” Dom says. “What are the chances of you coming back to Brooklyn if Grant’s still around?”

I don’t respond. The chances are extremely slim. Short of Rowan getting married, I’m not sure I could do it. But the idea of never seeing Max again makes my stomach twist. I’ve never connected like that with someone.

And seeing Row and Dom again has made me realize just how much I missed them. I felt it all the time but being near them—even when Dom and I were arguing—has felt like a piece of me settling back into place.

“I don’t know,” I finally say. “I guess I’d have to think about it.”

“I could take care of it,” Rowan says. “I’ve already done hard time. I could do it again.”

“That’s not even funny,” I reply, a prickle of irritation clouding my veins. “You shouldn’t have been there to begin with.”

“Yeah, well, it’s in the past.” Rowan waves a hand. “What’s happening right now is more important. And I really think you should consider filing a report at the police station.”

“No way. I lied to them years ago; they wouldn’t believe me now. And it’s not like Grant’s hurting anyone else. He’s fixated on me.” The words feel dirty as they leave my mouth. He’s obsessed with me. I think a part of him really believes that we had some kind of relationship. Like we were in love.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dom says. “If you don’t take steps to stop this, it never will. And then Row or I will end up in a cell for killing the guy.”

“It’s not your responsibility.”

“Stop it.” His voice turns hard. “We’re brothers; we don’t want you to get hurt. What Grant’s doing to you is wrong. What he did to you in the past is wrong. Do you really think we can just let it happen to you when we know now what’s going on?”

I swallow and stare down at my hands. I try to imagine if they were in my position, like if Dad had come back and was terrorizing them. I couldn’t stand by and let it happen either. I’d have to intervene some way. “I fucking hate you guys sometimes.”

“We know,” Rowan says. “After the ceremony tomorrow, you’re going to the station. I’ll go with you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I said I’ll go with you.” His tone lets me know there’s no room for arguments. I want to fight him, tell him it’s better if I just skip town again. But I’m not sure that’d stop my brothers from going after Grant. And I can’t let them mess up their lives again.