Twenty-six

Twenty-six

Max

When I get to the garden on Saturday, the sun is high in the sky, and the flowers somewhat cover the scent of the city. Not much though.

One of Dom’s friends from the school where he works with Brigid is showing people to their seats, and they put me in one near the front. I can’t stop myself from looking around for Jude. I texted him a couple times last night, but he didn’t respond. It only makes me feel worse about what happened.

I should’ve been more aware of what was happening. I knew something was off when Jude showed up, and I ignored it because I believed if we were together, it would help. Like how it did with Patrick. But Jude isn’t Patrick. And I may have hurt him more than he’s willing to admit.

Jude doesn’t show up until the ceremony starts. As he walks down the aisle with one of Brigid’s bridesmaids, he gives me a nod and a tight smile. I have no idea what it means.

I try not to think about it as Dominic and Brigid exchange their vows, but it’s hard not to watch Jude the whole time. His eyes are so soft as he watches his brother slide the ring on Brigid’s finger. A sense of peace radiates from him, and even though I know it wasn’t technically my fault, it still sends guilt shooting through me. I should’ve gotten him to look like that last night.

I wish he had trusted me enough to talk about it.

When the ceremony’s over, we move to the reception hall. It’s better here for my focus because Jude isn’t at the front any longer. Now, I can get lost in the crowd of people. I like it that way. Mostly because I’m not sure what I’d say to Jude if he came over to talk. It seemed easier when I was texting him.

But when Jude finally appears, back in his dark jeans and black T-shirt, I know I’m not going anywhere until I’ve had a chance to apologize about last night.

“Hey,” he says, resting his hands on the back of the empty chair across from me.

“I’m sorry.” The words are out of me instantly.

He gives me a gentle smile. “You don’t need to apologize. Can we go somewhere quieter to talk?”

“Yeah.” I stand and follow him down the hall and to an empty room. Once he closes the door behind us, the sounds from the reception fade, and it’s just the two of us. I want to apologize again, but I’m not sure he’ll take it well. So instead, I stay silent and wait for him to speak.

After a few minutes, he clears his throat and says, “I met Grant when I was a freshman in high school. He’d just moved back to town and gotten a job teaching science. He and my dad knew each other when they were in college, but he moved away before I was even born. He came onto me the first day of school.”

He pauses, and I swallow hard. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to know about what this creep did to Jude when he was all alone. But he has the courage to talk about it, and I need to listen.

“It went on for a few weeks, then the next thing I know, he’s at the house. He told my dad that I was acting out in class and distracting the other kids…” He trails off before saying softly, “My dad was going to hurt my brothers because of what Grant said. So I let him fuck me, and in return, he got my dad to calm down. He’d take him out of the house and give us a few hours of peace. Well, as much peace as you could have in that place.”

My stomach sinks at his story. At the fact that Grant was hurting him, and Jude felt he had no choice but to take it.

“We did it for a little over a year,” Jude says. He glances up at me before looking away again. “Then Rowan walked in on us when Grant forgot to lock the classroom door. Rowan almost killed him. He beat the shit out of him, and it took three teachers to pull him off. And when the police asked me what happened, I lied. My dad made it clear that he’d kill Row if he came back home, and Rowan would never leave us voluntarily. So I lied, and he got thrown into juvie.”

My heart breaks at his story, at the pain in his voice. The shame and guilt. “Jude…”

“I’m sorry about last night,” he continues. “I should never have done that. It wasn’t right for me to push you for that without telling you about my past.”

“Why did you?” I ask. The question feels weird as it comes out, like my lips are numb.

“I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his messy hair. “Grant tried to…get to me last night. I guess I thought that if I did it with you, I wouldn’t be…afraid anymore. Like I wouldn’t worry about Grant finding me again. And I know that doesn’t make any sense, and it wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry. I should never have done that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You didn’t.” I say it instantly. When he gives me a look, I add, “It upset me. It upset me that you were hurting, and you wouldn’t talk to me about it. It upset me that you tried to use me to fix something I can’t fix.”

He blushes and glances away. “I promise I wasn’t really looking at it like that. I’ve never let anyone even try that with me. You just make me feel safe, like Grant doesn’t even exist. And the idea of…doing that scares me.” He chokes a little on the last part, like it pained him to say it. “I thought since it was you, it would be okay. And I know that wasn’t fair. And I’m sorry. Again.”

I stare down at my hands, trying to sort through everything he said. I hate that he was put in that position. That his dad let it happen and didn’t do anything to stop it. That Jude felt trapped and stayed with Grant to keep his brothers safe.

“I’m going to the police,” Jude says. “I don’t know if it’ll actually do any good, but he’ll never stop, and I’m thinking of maybe staying in Brooklyn for a bit.” His voice turns shy when he says that last part, and my heart stutters.

“You are?”

“Yeah. I’ve missed my brothers. I’m tired of moving and waiting for Grant to catch up with me. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

“What about us?” I ask the question before I can talk myself out of it. I have to know how he’s looking at what’s been going on between us.

Jude breathes out a sigh and leans back against the wall. “What do you want to happen?”

“I want to know what you want.” Maybe it’s pathetic, but I can’t put myself out there. Not yet. Not after last night.

He nods like he was expecting me to turn it back to him. “I want to see where it goes with us,” he replies. “I meant it when I said I feel safe with you, but it’s more than that. I haven’t connected with anyone like I did with you. I love being around you. But I also know that last night might’ve turned you off to the idea.” He frowns before adding, “Or maybe what you learned about me and Grant. I know it’s disgusting.”

“I don’t think you’re disgusting,” I say. I can hear the shame in his voice, the belief that by sleeping with Grant, he tainted himself somehow.

Jude glances back at me, as if he’s trying to read a lie in my eyes or on my face. It hurts that anyone would look at him differently when they learned he’d been through that. As if it was his fault or something.

“You don’t have to,” Jude says. “I mean that. If it’s too much for you, it’s okay. I…I’m too much for me sometimes. I don’t want you thinking you have to do anything. I want to be with you but only if you want it too.”

“I do.” I take a step closer to him, though I’m unsure of getting in his personal space. I remember the look on his face last night, when he’d scrambled up from the bed. When he’d imagined himself being trapped under Grant again. I never want to do that to him again.

Jude searches my gaze before reaching out tentatively to put his hands on my arms. I take it as a sign and move a bit closer. The heat of his body envelops me, and I relax for the first time since Jude walked out of my apartment last night.

“I was worried about you,” I say. “You were so upset when you left.”

“Yeah. Thanks for sending my brothers after me, by the way.”

“You should’ve heard Rowan ask how I knew you were upset. I swear he thought—”

“I told him about us,” Jude interrupts. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” I lean forward and kiss his forehead.

He melts into me instantly. His breath ghosts across my lips. “I really am sorry about last night.”

“Don’t apologize for that again,” I order softly. “You were in a weird headspace, and you were scared. I’m not angry.”

“I know. I still feel bad, though. I didn’t mean to put that on you.”

I shush him and tilt my head, silently asking if it’s okay.

Jude smiles a little. “You want to kiss me?”

I nod and immediately feel a sharp sting on my ass.

“We talked about you using your words,” Jude chastises.

“You’re one to talk.” When he blushes, I take a step back but still hold onto him. “Jude, I want to be with you. But what happened last night, I can’t do that again. I can’t see that look in your eyes, when you thought I was Grant.”

He blushes again and looks down at the tiled floor. “I know. I won’t do that again.”

“I need more than that,” I press. “I need you to talk to me when something’s going on. And if you can’t talk about it, then I need you to tell me you’re bothered and what I can do to help.”

He pulls back a little, reluctance pouring off him. “I’m not really good at that.”

“No one is. But I won’t let you do that again, that pushing yourself when it comes to sex. What you went through is serious. I’ve never had it happen to me, but I can’t imagine that it goes away just because you want it to. And I’m pretty sure you can’t force it away by doing something with me.”

“I know.” His voice is quiet, full of embarrassment. And I hate that for him. I don’t want him to be embarrassed.

I lift a hand and cup his cheek. “I’m not mad, Jude. I just can’t stand the thought of ever hurting you. I want you to feel safe around me, to know that I’d never hurt you. Because I won’t.”

He leans into my hand and closes his eyes. “I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but I promise I’m trying.”