Twenty-four

Twenty-four

Max

I freeze at Jude’s words. His hands are still latched onto my arms. There’s so much fear in his eyes that it scares me a little. I pull out of him and stand, grabbing my jeans from the floor.

“What’s wrong?” It’s a stupid question. It’s obvious what’s wrong. He wasn’t ready to do this, and what’s worse is, I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have let him push himself like that. But I’d wanted to believe he’d be okay.

Jude’s shaking as he stumbles from the bed and grabs his own clothes from the floor. When he doesn’t answer me, I ask, “Who’s Grant?”

He jerks his head up to look at me. “What?”

From the confusion in his eyes, I realize he doesn’t even remember calling me by that guy’s name. “I met him the other day. He told me to tell you that he was looking for you.”

Jude turns away from me as he jerks his shirt on. “He’s nobody.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“Don’t,” he snaps. “Don’t ask me questions like you care. All you want is to fuck me because I make you feel good. That’s all I am to you.”

I don’t take the bait. He wants a fight because it’ll hurt less than whatever’s clouding his mind. But I’m not up for that tonight. “Who’s Grant?” I ask again.

“Fuck off, Max.”

“Who’s Grant?” I reach out and grab his arm when he tries to move around me. “Who is he?”

“He’s my ex,” Jude snaps. When he looks up at me, I see wetness in his eyes. He’s still shaking. “We went out, okay?”

“He’s like forty years older than you.”

“Thirty-one,” Jude corrects, his voice soft. Haunted. “I was fifteen.”

My heart drops into my stomach. “That’s…”

“I didn’t want it, okay? He was my father’s friend. I wasn’t allowed to say no.”

My stomach twists with revulsion. I’d known his ex had been bad, but I didn’t realize it was so awful. The way he treated Jude is bad enough, but the fact that he forced himself on Jude… I can’t even wrap my head around that.

Jude catches the look on my face and blushes fiercely. He pulls his arm from my grasp. “I know.”

“Jude…why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why should I have? We’re nothing, Max. We’re just fucking until I leave in a couple days.”

He’s saying it to hurt me, and it works. But I don’t let myself focus on it. “You know we’re more than nothing.”

“No, we’re not.” His voice is turning cold, shutting himself down to me. “We just fucked, like I have with every other guy I’ve met.”

“Except for Grant, obviously.”

He pulls back like I hit him. “I wasn’t—”

“You’re the one who keeps calling him your ex. Why don’t you call him what he is? He assaulted you, Jude. You were a kid. He’s a child predator.”

“No.” His jaw clenches. “He only ever did it to me. That means I was the problem. There’s something wrong with me.”

“How the hell can you think that?” Irritation flares in my veins.

“You let me get you off in an alley the night we met,” he points out.

“Yeah, because you offered to give me a blowjob the moment we met.” I know as soon as the words leave my mouth that it was the wrong thing to say.

His blush grows darker, and he looks away from me. “You’re right. Because I’m good at it, Max. I’m good at having sex with guys because I know what they like, what they want. How do you think I knew the minute we met that you liked being controlled?”

I don’t have a good answer for that, so I stay silent.

Jude shakes his head. “Look, forget it. Can we just get back into bed?”

I stare at him, certain I misheard him. “What? What the fuck are you talking about? We’re not getting back in there until we’re done talking.”

“Well, I’m done talking.”

“Well, I’m not.” I shove a hand through my hair as I try to pull my thoughts together. “What happened just now, was that the first time you tried to take it since Grant?”

His jaw clenches again, and he doesn’t say anything. But his silence is answer enough.

“Why would you do that?” I check my voice to make sure I don’t shout. The anger is clogging my veins. I feel like he tried to use me when he should’ve warned me first.

“That’s none of your business.”

“I’m the one you chose to do it with, so I think it’s my business.”

“I don’t owe you anything,” Jude replies. “It’s not my fault you couldn’t do it right.”

I slam my fist on the nightstand, and Jude startles. It’s enough to snap him out of the attitude.

“Stop fucking lying to me.” I don’t care if I’m yelling now. I want him to hear how pissed I am. I want him to know it’s not okay to fuck like this with people.

“What do you want to hear?” Jude demands. “You want to hear that I haven’t let anyone inside me since Grant forced himself in? You want to hear that he’s been trying to get at me since I came back to Brooklyn? You want to hear that he almost did last night? That he pinned me down and got his hand—”

He cuts himself off when his voice wavers, and it’s enough to dim my anger. He did something stupid, but he’s scared. He was trying to find a safe place, and he wanted that place to be me.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

He shakes his head. “You didn’t do it.”

“No, I’m sorry for tonight. I knew when you got here that you were upset, and I let you talk me into doing this anyway.”

Jude bristles at the apology, but he doesn’t yell again.

“Tell me about last night.”

“No, I can’t. It was my fault. And I don’t want you to hear that stuff.”

“Okay.” It’s not the answer I want to hear, but I’m afraid to push it. “Maybe you should go to the cops. You could get a restraining order.”

“No.” He shakes his head again before I’ve even finished talking. “No, I talked to them when it all happened years ago, and I lied to them. They wouldn’t take me seriously. And Grant would just walk through one of those anyway. You have no idea what he’s like. He won’t stop at anything.”

“Jude—”

“I should just let him do it and get it over with.” Jude’s voice is hollow, and before I have the chance to react, he grabs his jacket and heads out the door.