Twenty-three

Twenty-three

Jude

My first instinct is to tell Max that I changed my mind. The idea of giving him that much power over me is terrifying. He could easily turn into Grant. I’ve never given anyone control over me, not since him.

Then I start thinking about how much I want it. The idea of letting Max take a small amount of control turns me on in a way it never has before. Maybe it’ll be okay.

“Jude.” Max’s voice is soft. His thumb is still on my lips. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I meant it the other day when I said you had a color too, okay?”

“No, no, I want to.” I hide my nerves as I reach around him to grab the gag from where I tossed it on the bed earlier.

Max’s gaze follows me. “Okay, if you’re sure. But since you won’t be able to talk, I want you to tap my knee twice if you want to stop.”

“Okay.” I know Max might need a minute after that before he’s ready to go again, but I also know if I hesitate too long, I’m not going through with this. I’ll make an excuse and leave. And I don’t want to do that with Max.

“Jude.” Max waits until I’m looking at him before saying, “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. It’s okay if you change your mind.”

“I haven’t. I won’t.” My palms are starting to sweat. My mind is a jumble inside. I want to do it, to please Max. But I also want to pull back and tell him to forget it. Then I have the horrible thought that he’ll do it anyway, just like Grant. And I don’t want to think about Max like that. He’s been nothing but kind to me.

Max reaches out and takes the gag from my hands. “Let me do something for you first. I need a second to recharge anyway.”

My body relaxes a little. “Yeah, okay.”

Max smiles and reaches behind him to strip off the blanket he came all over. Then he holds out a hand to me. When I take it, he pulls me onto the bed. “Lie back for me.”

I don’t love the position of him being over me, but he’s gentle as he trails his lips across my neck and down my chest. He swirls his tongue across my nipple, and I close my eyes with a sigh. It’s been a long time since someone’s been careful with me. Maybe no one ever has.

Max kisses across my chest, down my stomach. He ignores my cock and kisses down my left thigh. Pressure’s starting to build at the base of my spine as my dick twitches. His breath leaves little trails of heat along my skin as he moves down my leg, across my ankle.

“Max.” My voice is a breathy moan, and that would usually bother me to show it, but I can’t find it in me to care. Not with him. Why was I so worried about the gag or letting Max have a small bit of control right now? He’s never been anything but kind.

“I’m here,” Max whispers. He surges upward to meet my lips with his own. His tongue slides into my mouth just as his hand drops between my legs to grasp my aching cock. “I’m here, Jude.”

I kiss him back, pressing my fingers to the back of neck to keep him there. My hips are already bucking, my cock desperate to feel the friction his palm provides.

Max slides his hand up my shaft to cup my balls. They feel so full and heavy. Like I’ll explode if I don’t empty them as soon as possible.

Max pulls his lips from mine and places his mouth near my ear. “Get yourself off on me, Jude. Use my hand how you need it.”

I whimper and grab his shoulders for some purchase. Then I start thrusting into his hand.

“Tighter,” I mumble. “Tighten your grip.”

He does it immediately. His other hand is up near my head, supporting his weight as he watches me jerk myself off using him. “Like this?”

“Yeah.” I slide in and out to the tip then push back in again. My moves are frenzied, but I need it. I need Max right here. I feel like I’ll never come again without his help.

“Look at me,” Max orders softly, and despite everything, I do it. “Remember when we were in that bathroom, and you made me look in the mirror the entire time you pounded into me?”

“Yeah.” My voice is strangled. It’s all I can do to form that one word.

“Keep looking at me,” Max says. “I want to see your face when you come.”

His words are all I need to shoot over the edge. I come hard, my head snapping up off the pillow, my fingers digging deep into Max’s arms.

“That’s right,” Max whispers. “Get it all out.”

My balls are almost aching by the time I collapse back onto the mattress. I’m panting, my chest heaving from the exertion. Fuck, it’s been a while since I came that hard.

“Better?” Max asks.

“Mmhmm.” The nervousness is still there, but it’s less now. Like the orgasm helped get the stress out of me.

Max doesn’t rush me. He waits until I sit up and reach for the gag again. My hands are steady this time.

“There are two straps on here,” Max says as he takes it from me. “I’m just going to clip the one on in the back, so if it gets to be too much, you can take it off yourself, all right?”

It’s a sweet gesture, meant to give me an extra feeling of security. If Max were to ignore my tapping on his knee, I could stop it myself.

Max is careful as he straps the gag around the back of my head, and I take a deep breath, reminding myself of everything he said. Reminding myself of how gentle he was with me just now on the bed. He didn’t have to do any of that for me.

Still, as soon as he slides into my mouth, my body wants to pull back. This is different from when I sucked him off in his office. There, I could stop whenever I wanted. But now, he could hurt me if he wanted to.

I try to push the thought to the back of my mind and focus on him. With the gag in place, I can’t close my lips around his dick, so it’s more about him holding my head in place while he thrusts into my mouth.

Something about the feeling of being used, of having to please Max, turns me on. I don’t hate looking up at him, watching his body work as he thrusts in and out of my mouth. The head of his cock is at the back of my throat, and I tilt my head back, giving him further access.

I love the salty taste of him. Love feeling his thickness pressing on my tongue. Even though I can’t move my lips, I do my best to run my tongue along the underside of his cock, right over the sensitive vein he has there.

He tightens his grip on me, his fingers threading through my hair and latching on. And it feels really fucking good. I like the image of him fucking my mouth.

“Nothing feels as good as this,” Max says, his words coming fast as his hips snap against my face. “You’re fucking amazing.”

Pride warms my chest, and I relax my throat more, until I feel him bottom out. Feel his balls pressing against me with every push.

“Shit, Jude.” Max sucks in a breath. “I have to—”

I think he’s about to pull out, so I reach up and press a hand to his ass, holding him in place. Telling him I’ll take it.

He looks down at me, his face flushed and sweaty. Staring into his eyes, I slide a finger between his cheeks, then push it into his ass.

He comes immediately with a shout, pouring down my throat.

He’s gorgeous no matter what, but I especially love how he looks like this. His eyes squeezed tight, his mouth open. His skin is red and blotchy, and his chest heaves like he’s been running. He looks fucking amazing.

I stand to catch him as his knees weaken. He makes being vulnerable look so easy.

When I guide him to sit on the bed, he wastes no time before reaching up and loosening the tie on the gag. As soon as he pulls it off, he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me down to kiss me.

“You’re so beautiful,” Max says, the words rushed. “You took me so well. You don’t even know how fucking hot you are, do you?”

I laugh a little, the sound full of relief. I did it. I gave him a piece of me, and the world didn’t implode. I climb into his lap and kiss him again and again, trying to show him how much it means to me that he was so gentle when he didn’t have to be.

***

When I leave Max’s place, I feel incredible. And it’s not the several orgasms I had there. Being with him is like being in another world. One where Grant doesn’t exist and all I’ll ever feel is safe.

I reach Rowan’s apartment building and step into the empty lobby. The floors have just been waxed, and my footsteps echo loudly as I cross the lobby to reach the elevators. It dings almost as soon as I hit the button, and I step inside. Just as I’m reaching to close the doors, a hand snakes between them, holding them open.

I back up to give the new person some room, and my stomach drops when I realize it’s Grant. Every good feeling Max gave me disappears, and all I can focus on is Grant. His heavy cologne fills my senses, and I almost gag at the familiar scent.

Before I even think, I’m lunging for the door. Grant shoves his arm in front of me, wrapping it around my stomach. Then he shoves me into the back wall, hard enough to make my head slam against it.

The doors close as I gasp and try to get the world to stop spinning.

“What the fuck have you been thinking?” Grant demands, his voice low and full of disgust. “Your daddy would roll over in his grave if he could see what you’ve become.”

I shake my head, even though I’m not sure why. No words will come out of my mouth, and I’m too scared to try getting around him again.

Once the elevator rises a bit, Grant reaches behind himself and flicks the stop button. The elevator lurches and then halts, and I grip the metal railing so hard that my knuckles ache.

“It’s been a long time,” Grant whispers. “But there’s no boyfriend to save you now, is there? Get those clothes off.”

I don’t move. Every other time Grant said that to me, I obeyed. I gave him whatever he wanted just to keep him happy. To keep Dad satisfied. But I can’t do it anymore. I want something better; I want what Max showed me.

Grant moves swiftly, threading his fingers into my hair and slamming my head down into the railing. I cry out and try to pull away, but he holds fast. He slams me into the railing again and again, until I can barely see, and my ears are ringing.

Grant shoves me to the floor of the elevator, and I can’t even push myself up. My arms shake, and I feel like I’m about to hurl.

With a grunt, Grant hits his knees behind me, between my legs. Then he grabs my hip to turn me enough to get to the button on my jeans.

My head clears slowly as I hear my zipper coming undone.

“No.” I kick out with my leg, and Grant punches my lower back. I cry out but kick again and dig my elbows into the floor of the elevator, trying to get some purchase to pull myself away from him.

He grabs the waistband of my jeans as I move, tugging them down to rest on my thighs. Cold air blows across my skin, and I shiver.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, boy?” Grant demands, his voice a growl.

I don’t answer. I have no idea who I am. All I know is I want to be back in the safety of Max’s apartment. I want this to be over. I need to get the hell out of here. I just need to survive this.

I try to focus on my breathing, on the feel of the carpet under my fingers. I used to do this before, concentrate on the sound of the clock ticking or the light shining in through a window. Something to ground me.

But this time, I don’t let myself disappear. I hear it when my phone chirps with an alarm, feel it vibrate in my hand. I’m supposed to be meeting Anastasia. And then, I get to see Max.

I get to see his gentle smile and feel his hands on me. I get to watch as he shudders beneath me. I get to fall a little bit in love with him.

Grant’s trying to work a hand inside me, and my mind snaps. I can’t live like this anymore. I won’t live like this anymore. I’m not that kid anymore.

With a yell, I kick back as hard as I can, getting him right between the legs.

He releases me with a string of curses, and I stumble to my feet, pulling my clothes back into place. My hands are shaking, my knuckles are white from clenching my phone so tightly.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Grant demands as I press the elevator buttons to get me to the next floor.

I don’t answer him. His face is still a grimace of pain, but he’s rising to his feet. He’s going to come after me again. He looks so angry. Should I really try to get away from him again?

Before he can reach me, the elevator dings, the doors open, and I run.

***

I barely hear anything as I go through the day. It’s like I’m not even me. I follow Anastasia’s instructions to help set up chairs and tables and flower arrangements. And when the evening sets in, and she releases me, I stumble my way to Max’s place. I don’t really want to be here, but I don’t want to be at Rowan’s either. I’m lucky he was working and couldn’t help with the last-minute wedding stuff. If he’d seen me, he would’ve known something was wrong.

Max opens the door as soon as I knock, like he was waiting on the other side. His mouth is pulled into a bright smile, but it dims as soon as he sees me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just didn’t sleep too well.” As soon as I step inside and Max closes the door, I feel a little better. Grant would never come in here.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Max asks, coming around to face me.

“I don’t know. I obviously should’ve just stayed over here.”

Max doesn’t return my smile. Instead, he studies my face and frowns at whatever he finds there. “You look terrible. Are you sure it was just that you didn’t sleep? I mean…is this about yesterday? Was it too much for you?”

For a horrifying second, I think he’s talking about what happened in the elevator with Grant. But then I remember further back, when he gave me the best hand job I ever had. And then having my mouth stretched open while he used it to get himself off.

“No,” I say. “It’s not about that. Yesterday was great.” And it was. Being with Max made giving myself away like that seem not scary at all. I could’ve been with him forever, and I would’ve been happy. I’ve never been scared with Max.

Maybe that’s what I need. Everything I do with Max makes me feel safer. I feel braver, like I can do anything if he shows me how. I keep choking up when I see Grant because I still feel like a kid around him. And I think it’s because what he did to me, I’ve never done with anyone else before. I’ve never let anyone fuck me. I suck them off, but I never let them in my ass. I don’t even let them touch me there.

But if Max does that, then maybe I would realize it’s not a big deal. Grant isn’t the only one who should be allowed to fuck me.

I meet Max’s gaze. “I actually want to try something.”

His eyes light up. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Last night, letting you have some control over me, I liked it. More than I thought I would. I want to do it again.”

Max smiles, the dimple showing in his right cheek, but the smallest hint of concern shows through. “You sure? I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable doing.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I can’t say anything else because I don’t want my nervousness to show. Instead, I reach down and take his hand, threading our fingers together. I lead him into the bedroom and start stripping. “No toys, okay?”

“Okay,” Max replies.

Without a word, I climb onto his bed and lie back, watching Max as he takes his own clothes off. His cock is already hard, and it breaks through the anxiety edging into my brain. I can do this. It’s just sex. It’s not a big deal. And doing it with Max is safe. It’ll all be fine.

Max grabs some lube from the side table drawer and climbs onto the bed, settling between my legs. When he opens the tube and squeezes some of the liquid onto his fingers, my heart jumps into my throat.

“I don’t want that,” I say. “I mean, I don’t want you stretching me. Just take me.”

Max pauses, one hand on my knee as he warms the lube in his other hand by rubbing his fingers together. “Jude… How long has it been since you’ve done this?”

“Why does that matter?”

“You know why it matters.” A little exasperation leaks into his voice. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me. I’ve done this plenty of times.” It’s not a lie. Grant fucked me over a hundred times when we were together.

Max is unconvinced. His hand stays on my knee. He makes no move to touch me anywhere else.

Desperation floods my veins. If Max won’t do this with me, who else will? I don’t trust anyone else. Maybe I’m afraid to do it with Max, but I trust him on a base level. He’s always been kind to me, always made sure I felt good when we were together.

“Max, I want to do this. Please.”

“You have to swear that you’ll tell me if it’s too much,” Max says, staring into my eyes. “I mean it.”

“I swear.” I feel a little bad saying that because I don’t have any intention of telling him to stop, even if it is too much. I just want to get it over with.

Max doesn’t stretch me, but he does apply a generous amount of lube onto his cock before positioning the head between my cheeks.

I spread my legs wider, giving him more access, and he starts sliding in.

“Fuck.” I take a breath and try to concentrate on anything other than the burning pain in my ass.

“Just breathe,” Max says softly. “Take a second.”

I don’t want to. I want him to plow into me. To take me just like Grant used to. Like Grant tried to last night. If he does it, then I don’t have anything to be afraid of.

I slide my hands up his arms to grab his biceps. “I’m fine. I’m ready.”

He hesitates for a beat before pushing in again. The pain is so intense that I clench without meaning to. I just need it to stop. I need him to stop.

When I squeeze my eyes shut, I’m back in the classroom, bent over the desk. I’m on my knees in the locker room, sucking Grant off while a football game goes on outside. I’m in Grant’s bed at his house, my face shoved in the mattress while he plows into my ass. I’m in my own kitchen, on my hands and knees, staring at blinking numbers on the microwave while Grant spills another load inside me.

“Stop.” My voice is weak and pathetic. “Stop, Grant. Stop. I can’t take it anymore. Just fucking stop.”