CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

" Nyktos said you wanted to see me," Aios said as she crossed the fourth-floor antechamber, the hem of her sky-blue gown whispering over the stone floors.

She sat beside me on the couch while I sipped the juice Ash had insisted I finish. "You've made your choice?" she asked.

My heart fluttered. " We've made our choice. We're going to do…the parent thing."

Aios was quiet for a heartbeat and then squealed, causing me to jump. "I knew it!" She made another noise that sort of reminded me of a kitten, and then threw her arms around me. "Sorry! I'm so happy to hear this."

"I can tell." I only managed to hold on to my cup by sheer luck. "How did you know?"

" Nyktos sent Rhain to summon Kye," she explained, squeezing me until I was the one close to squeaking. "He told Rhain he wanted Kye to check you over to ensure you were healing, but…"

"But you knew better."

"I did." Sitting back, she clasped her hands and tucked them under her chin. "I would've supported you either way. Truly. But I am so excited and happy for you—for both of you. For all of us. Do you even know the last time a Primal had children?"

"When Nyktos was born?"

Aios laughed. "Of course, you know." She drew back. "When will you tell everyone? Please say soon because not telling Bele will drive me mad."

I laughed, setting my cup on the side table. "I'm not sure when, but with everything going on, we want to keep it quiet. Can you help with that?"

"Of course. I won't say a word, even though it will drive me mad." Her cheeks were flushed. "How did he take the news?"

"I think he almost passed out," I shared.

Aios giggled. "Fates, what I would have given to see that."

I grinned. "It was something else, but other than that, he was…he was perfect." Recalling his reaction once he got over his shock had my smile growing. "He's actually very excited."

Her smile faltered a bit as her gaze swept over my features. "Are you not excited? Now that you've talked to Nyktos ?"

"I am," I was quick to say. "I'm also a little terrified."

"Understandable," she said, patting my knee. "Did you guys talk about how this does and doesn't affect things?"

"We talked about feeding and stuff," I told her. "That's something we have to ask Kye, but we haven't gotten to the part where I tell him that I won't be backing down from anything yet."

"How do you think he'll respond?"

I laughed. "Not at all well."

Aios nodded. "At least you're expecting him to put up a fight."

"I am. And I understand why he won't likely agree with me fighting. I get it. But if something happened to him and I wasn't there?" Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. "I can't even think about it." I blew out a breath. "Anyway, I know he will be an amazing father."

"And I believe you will make an incredible mother," she said, her voice unwavering.

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "I don't know."

Her delicate brows furrowed. "I do."

"I'm going to try. I want to because I…I love them already." A nervous laugh left me as Aios's features softened. My face warmed. "I do. And that makes me even more terrified," I admitted, my fears rising then. I couldn't put a lid on them. "I will do everything to be a good mother, even though I am possibly the worst and most undeserving person to have a child, let alone two of them." I frowned. "I don't even know how to swaddle one." I looked at her. "Do you?"

"Yes." Her lips twitched. "I can show you, but parenting is something you sort of learn along the way."

That sounded chaotic and unpredictable, especially when I was involved in learning along the way.

I swallowed hard. "Yeah, but it's more than that. I'm an anxious mess most days, and I can only imagine that will be, like, amplified, but…I guess being a nervous mess is normal when it comes to having children."

"It is. I can swear to that," she said. "I've known mothers on their sixth child still being incredibly anxious."

Sixth? My eyes widened, and I shook my head. I glanced at Aios , opened my mouth, and then closed it.

"What?" She nudged me with her shoulder.

"Nothing." I smiled. "I have no idea what Kye will do when he gets here."

"It won't be anything too invasive," she said. "Just a general exam. Mostly, he will likely talk with you and Nyktos ."

I exhaled slowly. "Okay."

Aios left so I could change into something other than a robe. I dressed not for the appointment with Kye but for what would come afterward, donning thick leggings and a white vest over a black linen blouse. I was finishing with the last of the hooks on the vest when I felt Nektas .

Leaving the top hook undone because it wasn't entirely comfortable, I returned to the antechamber.

The moment the draken walked in from the balcony and our eyes met, I knew Ash had told him. It was the softness in his features and gaze. I stopped halfway to the raised platform, a knot of emotion lodging in my throat.

In less than a breath, Nektas held me in his arms and lifted my bare feet off the floor. The hug surprised me, but I got over it quickly, throwing my arms around his neck. He smelled of wind and earth.

"Sera," he said in his gravelly voice, pressing his cheek to the side of my head.

I squeezed my eyes shut, soaking in his warmth. "Crazy, huh?"

He chuckled roughly. "It is, but in the best possible way." He lowered me to my feet and drew back, his hands moving to my shoulders as his thin pupils dilated. "I thought I scented something from you before but wasn't sure what it was."

My brows snapped together. "When you smelled death on me?"

"No." His laugh was low. "As I told you before, that was because I smelled Ash on you."

"Oh." My face warmed. "I probably could've lived without you bringing that up again."

"It was when you returned from the riders and we were on the balcony," he explained. "Your scent had changed."

"Do I even want to know what that means?"

One side of his lips curved up. "Your scent was richer and more of a mix of you and Ash than it ever was before. It has been so long since I've been around a Primal who was with child that it didn't even cross my mind." His hands slid to mine, and he held them gently. "I am so incredibly happy for you and Ash. This is…" He took a deep breath, his voice roughening even more. "This is something I never dared to dream for him."

"He said the same," I whispered, blinking back…what else? Tears. Gods, the crying thing was getting annoying. "How was he when he told you?"

"Eager," he said, letting go of my hands. My lips curved up. "As soon as we were alone, he blurted it out. I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly at first."

"Were you as still as a statue?" I asked. "Because he was when I told him."

"I'm sure I was." Strands of hair slid over his shoulder when he tilted his head. "What I saw in his eyes today…I've never seen before."

"What did you see?"

"It is hard to put into words." He took a moment. "But it was like seeing a man who suddenly realizes they have earned everything they could ever ask for."

"Oh." I clapped my hands over my mouth. "I think I'm going to cry."

That soft look filled his features once more. "It's okay if you do."

"No, it's not." I stepped back, waving my hands at my face as if that would actually help. "Okay. I need to talk about something other than Ash being perfect."

Nektas grinned at me. "We still on for today?"

I frowned. Nektas planned to travel with us to the Thyia Plains and then on to the Callasta Isles. "Why wouldn't we be?"

An indiscernible look flickered across his features. "Just checking." He quickly moved on. "How are you handling the news?"

"Oh, you know." Clearing my throat, I stopped flapping my hands at my face. "Alternating between being really happy, terrified, and excited while wondering what in the world I did to deserve this."

"I can name several reasons why you deserve this."

"And I can name one really big reason that nullifies all those reasons," I replied with a dry laugh.

The smile slipped from Nektas's face. "What do you mean?"

The same thing that happened with Aios repeated itself. My mouth opened but words sat defiantly on the tip of my tongue.

"Sera," he said, his vibrant gaze sweeping over my features.

Shaking my head, I plopped down on the sofa. "I…" This was hard to say out loud. "I just keep asking myself how this is possible. After all the lives I took, how did I end up carrying life inside me?"

A small frown pulled his brows down. "That's not how any of this works—"

"I know." I closed my eyes and then quickly reopened them. "What I mean is that there seems to be no balance in this. And yeah, I get that I conceived before I lost control, but I keep thinking it's not fair. It would have made more sense if fate had made me barren. Or if it took them from me after what I did…"

"I see what you're saying." Nektas came over and sat beside me. His large frame took up nearly two cushions. "Halayna felt something similar when she first learned she was pregnant with our daughter."

My head turned to him in surprise. This was only maybe the second time I'd ever heard him speak about his mate. "Why?"

"There used to be far more fighting among the draken , especially after Eythos was killed. We wanted justice but sought vengeance." His head tipped back on a heavy exhale. "My mate was extraordinarily kind and generous." He paused. "If she liked you."

I cracked a grin.

His lips followed suit. "But she was also as vicious as she was kind. When provoked, she was as feared as much as I am. Possibly even more so because when she let loose on someone, she didn't hold back." He glanced at me sideways. "Sound like anyone we know?"

"Whatever," I murmured.

"After Eythos was killed, Halayna singlehandedly took out most of the draken that served in Veses ' Court and wiped out the entirety of Hanan's."

My eyes widened. "Good gods."

"Like I said, she could be vicious. Fiercely so. It was one of the reasons I loved her." His chin lowered. "You may know a part of this story. It involves Reaver's parents."

"They were killed when Ash didn't respond to Kolis's summons in a timely manner."

Nektas nodded. "Kolis sent several of his draken . We lost Reaver's parents and two more in the battle, but Kolis lost twice that. His actions caused him to have fewer draken in his Court than Ash."

Anger grew within me. "Let me guess, he didn't believe himself responsible."

"You'd be correct," he replied. "We learned that Kolis was considering taking Reaver— demanding that Ash sever the bond with the youngling. Kolis felt as if he was owed."

My lips parted. "Oh, gods."

"When Halayna learned about it, she was enraged. Reaver had become a son to us. We knew what happened to the younglings in Kolis's Court. They never survived past their first full shift or adolescence. Neither Ash nor we would allow that to happen. Relations were tense in the years that followed." The ridges along his shoulders became more pronounced. "At that time, Kolis had three fully grown female draken . He sent them, likely believing they would be safe, along with Davon and two others," he said, speaking of the draken who shared his blood. "They were there to take Reaver, and it…it did not end well. In a way, we were sending a message back to Kolis. That he wasn't just fucking with his nephew. He was now fucking with us."

I had a feeling I knew where this was going. "He used the female draken almost like a shield."

"He did, and he was wrong for doing so. None of us cared who or what they were. Not when it came to Reaver. Halayna took out two of the females. The third—she was Davon's mate and the youngest of Kolis's draken —was Taliaya ." Faint lines appeared at the corners of his eyes. "Davon created a path for her escape. My mate wasn't having that. Halayna went after her, catching up while they were over the Lassa Sea." Nektas was quiet for several moments. "If Halayna had time to cool down, if there weren't years of pain and loss at the hands of Kolis, she likely wouldn't have done what she did. She ripped Taliaya's throat out over the sea, sending her to a watery grave along with…"

I closed my eyes.

"Along with the child she carried within her," he said, his voice low. "We knew the moment Taliaya showed that she was pregnant. We could smell it. We couldn't believe Kolis sent her or that Davon allowed it, but then again, Davon, as much as he was a fucker, could do nothing but obey Kolis's orders." Nektas's gaze found mine. "Once Halayna returned and calmed, she was horrified by what she had done. Less than a year later, we learned she was with child."

I didn't know what to say, only because I knew how Halayna felt. Kolis had put everything into motion with his selfish, insane actions, but like me, Halayna had reacted in rage and pain, leaving devastation behind. I knew exactly how she felt.

"What she did to Taliaya and her unborn youngling haunted her. Stayed with her up until her death. The many nights that I held her as our daughter grew inside her and even after, telling her that she was worthy of our gift, were innumerable."

My heart was heavy. "Did she…?"

"Did she ever come to believe that?" he finished what I could not ask. "Halayna learned to separate the two. It wasn't easy, but she did come to realize that what she had done had nothing to do with our child, and I'm so…"

Hearing the rawness in his voice, I reached over and placed my hand on his arm.

"I'm so damn grateful she did." His eyes were like glittering blue diamonds. "Because she was able to enjoy what time she had with her daughter, and because of that, it has allowed me to do the same—to remain who I was, even after I lost her."

I leaned over, resting my head on his shoulder. "Is that why Davon was such an asshole?"

He chuckled roughly. "Davon was always one, but he worsened after his mate's death. Whatever good he had in him was gone."

I sat there for a few moments. "Was that really why Halayna was targeted by Kolis?"

"It was." He reached over with his other hand and cupped the back of my head. "Reaver doesn't know any of this."

I squeezed his arm. "He never needs to know."

"Halayna never stopped thinking about what she did. I'm sure it lessened as time passed, but it was with her every day. She still hungered for life and joy, and in the short time she had with Jadis, she was an amazing mother," he said quietly. "Just as you will be, Sera."

I pressed my lips together to stop their trembling.

"You will be as fierce and protective as she was," he said, his voice unwavering. "It doesn't matter what you have gone through in your past, nor does anything you have done to others or yourself. You will do just as my Halayna did. You will ensure you will be a good mother because you have control over that. Because you will love them that fiercely." He tipped my head back, and his eyes locked with mine. "And you will have both Ash and me to make sure you never forget that."

Kye, the Healer, was nervous when he first arrived, and I felt so incredibly bad for him as he went through a cursory exam.

Some of it was because he was handling the well-being of the true Primal of Life and the health of the children of a Primal of Death, but that wasn't the only reason.

There was also the oldest draken , who lingered on the balcony outside the bedchamber, a silent and watchful guardian who held the Healer's stare as he left the chamber. And then there was my husband, who for some reason, returned to the bedchamber as a man who really, really had a problem with another male being within two feet of me.

I was lying on my back, my hands resting on the bed beside me, my fingers thrumming idly. My vest had been removed, and my shirt was folded up to allow the Healer to push lightly on my lower stomach.

Ash watched the Healer's fingers as if he expected them to turn into daggers.

"I'm just checking the positioning of the uterus," Kye explained, his voice steady as he pressed around my pelvic bone. "Usually, this is done along with an internal exam—"

Ash's eyes narrowed, and a blast of cold air radiated off him. I scowled at him as Kye's light, yellowish-brown fingers trembled slightly.

"But that seems unnecessary at the moment," Kye said, his gaze moving to mine as he unfolded my shirt. "Let's talk about your breasts—"

A low growl came from where Ash stood to our left.

" Nyktos ," I hissed.

"It's okay." Kye patted my hand and looked over his shoulder at Ash. "He's just being protective."

"More like a jerk," I muttered.

Ash raised a brow at me.

Kye chuckled. "I have read that when a Primal is expecting, it can stir their nota and cause, well, a primal response."

"To a Healer simply trying to do an exam to ensure that everything is fine?" I challenged, eyeing Ash.

"To anyone and anything that could be even remotely perceived as a threat, especially other males," Kye clarified, and I rolled my eyes. "The draken are the same, as are the ceeren . It is, one would say, a primitive instinct that is difficult to control."

"Perhaps you should go stand on the balcony with Nektas since you can't control your primitive instinct, then," I suggested.

"Not happening," Ash growled.

"Then stop snarling and making it feel ice-cold in here," I snapped back.

Crossing his arms, Ash said nothing. He would not make that promise.

I sighed, refocusing on the Healer. "I'm sorry. You were saying?"

A small grin appeared. "Have you experienced any breast tenderness?" he asked.

"A little bit today and on and off," I said. "Nothing too bad."

"Good," he replied, sitting down on the chair that had been moved close to the bed. "It's common, as well as seeing an increase in their size as the pregnancy continues."

Ash's brows rose slightly, and a half-grin appeared.

I shook my head. "What about the nausea?"

"Mortals tend to see a lessening in that toward the end of the first trimester. Gods aren't much different, though it tends to last a few weeks to a month longer." He glanced at the bound pad of paper he'd pulled from the satchel earlier and laid on the bed. "From what I have read, it is roughly the same for Primals ."

"That is good news, then," I said.

Kye nodded. "You can sit up now if you'd like."

I sat up, crossing my legs at the ankles. Ash immediately sat behind me, looping an arm around my waist. I was irritated with how he was behaving, but I still leaned into him.

"From what I can tell, everything seems fine," he said. "Your heart rate is normal for a Primal, as is your blood pressure."

I still had no idea how he was able to figure out the pressure by pushing on my pulse and watching me closely, but I would have to take his word for that.

"Now, in terms of what to expect. I want to be upfront with both of you," he began. "It has been over two centuries since a Primal has been with child, and unfortunately, any who may have cared for your mother, Nyktos , are no longer with us. What I know is from notes found while serving in Kithreia and from what I found in the city athenaeum. I believe there is more to be found at Mount Lotho . I would like to go there as soon as possible."

"I…I'm not sure if that is wise right now," I said and felt Ash gearing up to argue.

"I'm aware of what is going on and understand the risks," Kye said. "Discovering what I can is worth it."

"You may leave whenever you wish to do so," Ash said, and my lips pursed. "We will make sure you are well guarded."

I relaxed a little upon hearing that.

"Thank you." Kye bowed his head at Ash.

"What can you tell us now?" he asked.

"From what I know, the first and second trimester of pregnancy for a Primal is not that much different than that of a god. It is different for a mortal, but that is neither here nor there," he said, resting his elbows on his bent knees. "It is the third trimester when things tend to get…tricky."

"What do you mean?" Ash stiffened behind me.

"As the babe—or in your case, babes—grow in size, they take more nutrition and blood from the mother, as well as eather . In fact, the essence will serve the needs of the babe first before the mother. That starts at conception but will become more so as the pregnancy progresses."

Ash's arm tightened around my waist. "Is that why her bruises still haven't healed completely?"

The Healer nodded. "With you having two to care for, it will take much more from you, leaving you weakened and unable to recover as quickly as you normally would. That is the biggest threat as you enter the third trimester, and I cannot stress more the dangers involved in that time. You will become, in a way, as close to a mortal as you will ever be again. I recommend not using the essence for anything unless absolutely necessary. You will need every bit of it to ensure the babes are growing and healthy and to keep yourself well enough to bring them into this realm."

I could feel Ash's heart pounding faster against my back as I pressed my lips together.

"Injuries you would normally heal from could put you into stasis, where your body would not be getting enough of what it needs." Kye took a deep breath. "You would lose the babes if that happened."

A dark, ominous sound rumbled from Ash, and my heart lurched. I reached down and placed my hand on his where it was flattened against my lower stomach. "But this is not something to really worry about until the third trimester, right?"

"It is something to be aware of now," he said carefully. "But again, it is more of a concern as the pregnancy progresses."

Okay. That was…good news. Kind of. I moved on. "What about feeding?"

"As long as you are receiving nourishment through your own feedings and eating well, it is okay until you enter the third trimester." He looked up at Ash. "At that point, I recommend finding a donor."

Well, we already had one of those.

I wiggled a little, uncomfortable with that, but there was still a huge sense of relief. This meant I could still Ascend the gods I needed to.

"The stronger the better," Kye continued. "Another Primal, if possible."

Uh…

"Consider it done," Ash stated, and I jerked my head back to look at him. He ignored my look. "What about taking on the nota form?" he asked. "She's done that twice since we've conceived, but before we knew she was pregnant."

"You shifted forms so soon? Remarkable," Kye murmured, smiling at me. "I have found nothing regarding that. I hope that is information I can find at Mount Lotho , but I would recommend not doing it again if at all possible, and absolutely not after the third trimester. That, logically, would present the largest risk of doing so."

"Makes sense," I murmured, imagining me attempting to shift forms with a stomach three times the size it was now. I glanced back at Ash. "Is it possible for the essence to protect them—the babes?"

"I have seen it happen with gods," he said. "Usually in severe cases. In a way, the eather seeks to protect and provide for the most vulnerable aspect of your being. It would be the same for a Primal."

I nodded and looked down to where Ash's and my hands rested. Knowing the eather would seek to protect them first brought forth a rush of relief.

"There is something I want to touch on," Kye said. "Since you were born mortal, I believe it would be wise if you gave birth as those who were once mortal do. Not all of them do this, but most choose to give birth in the mortal realm. It's a bit of a tradition."

"Is there a reason for that?" Ash asked with a frown.

"That's a complicated answer." A faint smile appeared. "It is believed that doing so pays respect to where they've come from by linking the next generation to the mortal realm. I have seen no…scientific evidence explaining why those born mortal have easier deliveries in the mortal realm, but they do. There must be something to it."

I glanced at Ash. "What do you think?"

"I think I want whatever is best for you and our babes," he responded. "If that means giving birth in the mortal realm, then so be it."

Plans were then made for Kye to travel to Lotho with one of the guards.

"There's just one last thing." Kye rose, picking up the pad of bound parchment. "If you are injured," he said, halting as a low growl came from Ash. The Healer swallowed, shoving the pad into his satchel. "I want to check you over, no matter how minor the injury is."

"She will not be injured," Ash stated, and I tensed. "But, in the unlikely event that it happens, we will contact you."

"Good." Kye drew the strap of his satchel over his head. "Now, if anything happens that concerns you—either of you," he said, glancing at Ash, "please summon me immediately."

"Is there anything we should be keeping an eye on?" I asked, unfolding my legs and turning so they hung off the bed. "Because I'm pretty sure everything will concern me."

The Healer smiled knowingly. "It's normal to be anxious when expecting, especially when it's your first go at this, but one thing to keep a watch for is bleeding. Light spotting is normal, but anything more than that, I want to know. Severe stomach pain is another thing, or if the nausea worsens to the point where you cannot keep food down. As the pregnancy progresses, there will be other things to keep an eye on, but right now, those are the things I want to know about immediately if they occur."

There were more things to potentially worry about? Great.

"If something like that occurs, does that mean the pregnancy is…?" Ash drew in a deep breath and shifted so he was sitting beside me. "Is in jeopardy?"

"Not always," Kye said. "It doesn't mean the babes will be lost, but it can be a cause for concern."

My heart dropped. "Could anything be done, or could I…?" I trailed off, instinct telling me that even as the true Primal of Life, there wouldn't be anything I could do.

The Primal Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Fertility was another story. However, the vadentia also warned me that a Primal intervention could incite the Fates' ire.

"Depending on the issue, there are things. Treatments. Certain action plans." His smile was kind and patient. "But do not stress yourselves over something that has yet to come and likely will not occur. You both have enough on your plates. You don't need unnecessary stress."

Ash slid me a sideways glance, and we both knew that unnecessary worry and me were like two peas in a pod.

After Kye said his goodbyes, Nektas stepped inside. "Everything okay?"

"For now." Ash reached over and tucked back a stray curl that had slipped free of the hair he'd braided this morning. "However, I do believe Sera is a bit irritated with me."

Nektas raised his brows.

"He kept growling and snarling at Kye," I explained, and Nektas grinned. "Which means the next several months are going to be real fun."

"Most definitely," remarked Nektas .

Ash frowned. "I just didn't like him touching you."

I looked at him.

"What?" he asked, sending a narrow-eyed look at the draken .

Nektas chuckled. "Nothing."

"Anyway." I drew out the word. "We should probably get a move on. We have things to do today—one I'm really not looking forward to. But the other?" I clapped my hands together. "I cannot wait."

Ash didn't stand when I did. He remained sitting, and I knew deep in my bones what was coming.

" Nektas ," I said, realizing why he had asked if plans were still a go for today. "You should probably give us a couple of minutes."

He glanced between us. "I will wait for you both downstairs," he said, turning to the door.

"There is no need to wait for us." Ash leaned back on one elbow. To some, he was the picture of lazy indifference, but I could see the tension coiling inside him. "Plans have changed."

My mouth dropped open.

Nektas stopped.

"Since when have they changed?" I demanded.

His gaze flicked to where I stood. "Since roughly twelve hours ago."

I crossed my arms. "In other words, since you learned I was pregnant. And what exactly has changed?"

" Everything ," he stated in a tone that would typically brook no argument.