CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

I didn't remember walking around the couch and sitting, but I was. I was sitting with my hands limp in my lap and my heart beating slowly, steadily. There was a buzzing in my ears, but I wasn't running around screaming.

I was calm.

Aios sat beside me. She'd been quiet since she'd confirmed what I realized at some point I'd already known. At least, I think she had been. There was that buzzing.

"Sera?" she said tentatively.

"Yes?"

"Are you all right?"

I laughed. It was high-pitched. Strained.

"That was a silly question." She placed her hand on my arm. "You probably don't know what to feel."

"That…that is true." The breath I took was thin, but I was able to draw one in, which surprised me. This was one of those moments where having a complete meltdown would be understandable, but I was glad I wasn't. I so didn't need Ash picking up on any of my emotions right now.

I could feel the blood pounding in my temples. "Can you tell how far along I am?"

"Not to the exact date," she said, and for some reason, that made me want to laugh again. "But I would say you're at least ten or eleven weeks along. Perhaps even twelve."

Perhaps even …

That meant I could be three months along. That didn't seem like a long time, but it also felt like a lifetime. Either way, it definitely meant I'd conceived before I Ascended. Possibly the first time or two Ash and I had been together.

Gods.

"I don't even know if I want kids. How can I be having two of them?"

"I don't believe conception hinges on what one wants," she said gently. "But I get what you're saying."

The shelves of books blurred. "I don't even know if Nyktos wants children."

"It's not like you two have had much time to discuss such things."

"We…we haven't had any time." Eyes closing, I swallowed. "Not any real length of time to just be a…a couple, you know? We were in each other's way at first. Nyktos hadn't known he could love. And I was dying." The laugh I'd held back came then. "We didn't even know we had a future longer than the one we thought we had. There is still so much we need to learn about each other. I haven't even seen his paintings!"

Aios was quiet. She gently squeezed my arm, her eyes filled with sympathy.

And my mind was no longer empty. My thoughts raced. "We have so much to do."

"I know," she said, her voice soft as she squeezed my arm again.

"I can't sit out anything that must be done."

"If you decide to go through with this, it will change everything. You cannot go into battle—"

"Watch me," I replied, my voice hardening with a power that blazed as fierce as an inferno. "I won't let this stand in my way. I'm the Primal of Life. I'm needed to put Kolis in the ground. Besides that, I am a fighter, Aios . It's who I am. There is no way I could just stand by and do nothing."

"But think of the risks—"

"I know what the risks are."

"No, you don't. Not right at this moment," she corrected in that gentle way of hers. "Pregnancies are difficult in general. Even for a god or a Primal, and that's just when they're only carrying one child, not two." She twisted, pointing her knees toward me and lifting my hands from my lap. "Your loyalty and courage are admirable, Sera, but if this is what you decide, you must consider the fate of your unborn babes."

My hands trembled in her grasp. "How can I consider theirs but not the fate of the realms? We cannot allow Kolis to continue, and I need to be right beside Nyktos . If not, he could fall. And if he does…" Panic pierced my chest as I pulled my hands free. "I will be the ruin of realms."

Blood drained from her face. "Sera—"

"There cannot be a choice between the two," I shouted, my voice echoing through the chamber. The ferocity of my outburst left me breathless, and the silence hung heavily between us.

Aios nodded. "Okay." She cleared her throat, her eyes glistening. "There doesn't need to be a choice at all."

My breath snagged, and I recoiled. "I'm the Primal of Life , Aios ."

"You are Seraphena first." The eather intensified behind her pupils. "A woman who has fought for her autonomy. This is your body."

My fingers dug into my knees. "You're a goddess of fertility , so hearing you speak of terminating a pregnancy to the Primal of Life is…kind of odd."

"What I am allows me to fully understand the complex nature of these things." She reached between us, tucking a stray curl behind my ear. "Sometimes, the time simply is not right. It happens. And if anyone faults you for that, that is on them. Not you. They do not live your life. It is their problem. Not yours." Her eyes met mine. "You don't need to make a decision right now. You have time."

"I know, and I agree with everything you've said." And I truly did. "But…"

"But what?" Her eyes searched mine. "Is that not an option?"

I opened my mouth, but I couldn't speak. Did I want to keep them? Be a mother?

I sucked in a sharp breath. It was almost as if the knowledge had finally made it past the shock. There was life inside me. Lives .

Acid gathered in the back of my throat. My gaze flickered to the portraits hung along the back wall, and I saw Ash in my mind's eye. He held a tiny, fragile life, cradled in his arms and against his chest.

Oh, gods.

My heart turned to mush at the same moment my stomach felt like it had dropped to the floor. Fear and even a bit of awe mingled with the weight of the reality.

"Thank you for confirming this and for reminding me I have options," I said. "But I can't make that choice without talking to Nyktos . I've…I've lied and hidden enough from him. I can't do that with this."

She held my stare and nodded. "Whatever path you choose, I will stand by your side. You are not alone in this, Sera. Just remember that."

Breathe in.

I sat on the edge of the underground pool, my feet in the warm water. I'd tucked the skirt of my gown under my knees, but the edges were still damp. My hands were clasped loosely in my lap as I watched the mills churn, keeping the water from going stagnant. My mother would be proud. I was the picture of serenity.

Hold.

I had to be, lest I wanted Ash to feel exactly how freaked out I was.

Or even possibly bring the entire palace down on my head, which would be bad. Really bad since the other Primals were still here.

Breathe out.

I had no idea how long I'd been down here. I'd need to make an appearance soon, but I wasn't sure how I could when there was a really good chance I would blurt out the news in front of the gods only knew who. It wasn't that I was hiding from Ash.

Okay, I kind of was.

I knew I needed to tell him that I…was pregnant. My stomach dipped and twisted, my gaze dropping to the churning, midnight-hued water. It was so clear it looked black due to the shadowstone floors. Just like my lake.

Breathe in.

This wasn't something I could keep from him or even wanted to. I needed to talk to him about this. I needed to know what he thought. How he would react.

But I also needed time to grasp the fact that I was…pregnant.

With two babes.

"Fuck," I whispered, then held my breath for a count of five.

What was I going to do? I barely knew how to take care of myself. How was I supposed to parent two children? Two newborns when I could barely handle Jadis when she was throwing a temper tantrum?

Granted, she could spit fire, and the babes wouldn't be able to do that, but I knew they could spew all manner of fluids.

Breathe out.

I didn't even know how to take care of a babe. I hadn't had the greatest role model when it came to parenting, but I didn't think I had to try all that hard to be better. More present. Loving. Caring—

I stopped myself. I'd have to get to the point where I worried about all of that.

My stomach dropped for the hundredth time, and I took another breath. And how would I do what was necessary while pregnant? I meant what I had said to Aios . There could be no choice between the two. My power was needed. There would be fights, and while it was harder to seriously injure me, the same couldn't be said for the lives I carried inside me.

Hold.

There doesn't need to be a choice at all.

Unclasping my hands, I placed one against my lower stomach. A year ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to seek the aid of one of the Matrons. Accidental conception happened even when every precaution in the realm was taken. I heard the maids whispering in Wayfair and knew teas could be consumed, and I didn't judge them. In fact, I was impressed by the fact that they could make that choice. Not a single conversation I'd overheard made it sound like it was an easy one. Many of them did so in tears, no matter the reason, whether it was because they didn't feel financially capable, their condition was a result of a brief dalliance, or from force. I imagined if their situations had been different, many of them would've opted to keep the babe. Or maybe not. Either way, it never sounded like a flippant decision.

Breathe out.

But now? I didn't think I could do that because these were Ash's children. Ours. Mine .

My stomach turned over heavily, but for a different reason this time. Every couple of minutes, a tendril of excitement wove its way through the fear, panic, and disbelief, followed by something that felt damn powerful and pure . It was love.

How was that even possible? So quickly? It was the very last thing I'd ever thought to feel toward any babe, even mine. I wasn't the parental type. I never, not even as a little girl who still had the ability to have those sweet, foolish dreams, saw myself as a mother. But, gods, I felt love for them. And it was as fierce as what I felt for Ash. Protective. As if that motherly instinct I'd heard others speak about had snapped into place.

And, gods, it was the most unexpected emotion. A huge part of me was afraid to let those feelings grow, blossom, and spread because what if Ash wasn't happy about this? I felt like I couldn't allow myself to feel those emotions.

But that was…that was wrong.

Because I already knew I was keeping the lives growing inside me, even though it didn't seem fair. Unfair that I got to have this when I had stolen this very chance from others. And I had no idea how to be a parent, if I was capable, or even if I should. But they were ours. And if he couldn't accept this? Which was highly possible considering everything he'd faced—all we would still face… Damn, he hadn't even allowed people to stay in the palace and be close to him until recently because of Kolis. Still, his reluctance wouldn't change my mind.

But I knew it would change us, mates of the heart or not. It would change us in ways that would break my heart.

Feeling my chest tighten, I rose from where I sat and descended the steps. Water rose over my legs and quickly reached my hips as I walked forward. The hem of my gown lifted and floated when the water reached my waist. Once it lapped at my chest, I didn't go any farther. The deepest end of the pool would be well over my head, and I still hadn't learned how to swim.

And I was supposed to teach children? Things more important than swimming? Like how to be thoughtful and kind and how to stand up for themselves and others? How to be good, even though I wasn't entirely good?

The weight of it all bore down on my chest. I closed my eyes, letting myself slip underwater.

Sound ceased immediately.

My mind quickly followed.

There was just nothing as I floated. The tension all through my body began to ease. The mineral-rich water could have had something to do with that, but it was also the complete silence. The nothingness . The peace and the feeling of the water rushing over my face and—

Cold arms came around me, startling me as I was lifted from the water. My eyes flew open when my head broke the surface, and I dragged in a lungful of air.

"Sera," Ash gasped, scooping the wet hair back from my face. Strands of silvery eather whipped through his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Sorry." My face warmed as I stared up at him. It had been so quiet underwater that I hadn't felt him approach. "I was just…doing my version of swimming."

"With your gown on?"

"Yeah?"

"While we had Primals in the throne room?"

Um…

"And I was waiting for you to return?"

"Sorry. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing." I clutched his shoulders. "And you're not dressed for swimming."

The eather in his eyes brightened until I almost couldn't see his pupils. "That's because I thought—" He stopped with a sharp inhale, his jaw clenching.

My eyes widened when I realized what he'd thought. "I wasn't trying to drown myself."

His arms tightened around me. "I wasn't thinking that."

"You sure about that?" My heart twisted. "I told you, Ash. I won't do that again."

Ash opened his mouth and then closed it. His eyes slammed shut. "I know. I just…I panicked, seeing you with your gown on and your arms outstretched. I don't think you realize how that looks to someone above water."

"I am sorry." My gaze dropped to where his white shirt was plastered to his chest.

Ash was quiet, drawing his hand up my back. "What drove you here?"

The reason, which I had somehow forgotten in those brief moments, came rushing back. My throat dried. I'd gone over all the different ways I could broach the subject with him while I sat at the pool's edge, and every single one of them vanished from my thoughts.

"I know something must be preying upon your mind," he continued, brushing his nose against mine. "For you to leave the throne room and seek the silence of water."

The fact that he remembered why I stayed underwater made my heart swell until it felt like it might burst, if not for the way it pounded wildly, threatening to bust through my rib cage.

I breathed in and counted to five. My throat suddenly felt like it was sealing.

He immediately picked up on my sharp spike of anxiety. "What is it?" He paused, running his thumb across my cheek. The familiar cool caress did little to calm my nerves. " Liessa ?"

Something beautiful.

Something powerful.

And I was powerful. Strong. Brave. I could fucking tell him that I was pregnant with his children.

The next breath I took lodged in my throat. "Maybe we should get out of the pool."

He frowned. "Why would we need to do that?"

"Because what I'm about to tell you will probably surprise you." I gripped the front of his shirt. "And you may faint or something."

He frowned. "I've never fainted."

"There's always a first time," I said. "Even for a Primal, I bet. And if that happens, you're really heavy, and I don't trust my ability to lift you from the water. I'd probably end up throwing you into a wall—"

" Liessa ," he cut in, worry creeping into his features, mixing with bemusement. "What do you have to tell me?"

The words caught in my throat, choking me. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "Ash," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. My stomach twisted into knots, and then the words tumbled out. "I'm…I'm pregnant."