CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

Ash knelt before me, his fingers sifting through the fur beneath my chin as he lifted my head. Exhaustion was etched into the lines of his face and the shadows under his stunning eyes. "Please," he said, the sound of his voice raw, several strands of shoulder-length hair slipping forward to kiss his jaw. "Please come back to me."

His words were like magic. And as his gaze held mine, I willed myself to shift back into my mortal form with a shudder.

"Ash," I rasped, my throat scratchy.

He made a sound that seemed to come from the depths of his soul. Gathering me in his arms, he sat back, pulling me between his legs and against his chest. Pain roared in the moment I returned to myself, and how tightly Ash held me didn't help. But I ignored it, needing to be close to him. Neither of us spoke as he held me. As I clung to him. I had no idea where Nektas and the younglings had gone, but I knew we were alone.

I buried my face in the crook of his neck. I couldn't seem to get close enough. I needed to feel his heart beating against my chest. When his arm loosened around my waist, I whimpered.

" Shhh ," he murmured. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just getting you a blanket. You're cold."

A moment later, soft fur draped over my shoulders, and his arm returned to my waist. He clasped the back of my head, his fingers curling into the tangled strands of my hair.

"Sera," he whispered, his large body trembling. He tightened his arms around me. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

My fingers clenched the soft linen of his shirt. The breath I took burned my throat and nose. The blanket slipped down my back as I started to pull away.

Ash's inhale was rough and stunted as he stared at me. I didn't know what had caused that reaction until I looked down. Under the dried blood, there were bruises up and down my arms, some of them still an ugly shade of purplish-red. Others were an array of blues. Strangely, my lower stomach was the only area I could see that didn't appear marked. Though I wondered what my throat looked like based on how he was staring at it. But then his gaze lowered to my chest. The bruise there was one of those ugly shades, darker than the areola.

Ash became rigid, his flesh thinning. "He touched you." The tendons in his neck stood out starkly. "He hurt you."

I didn't deny it. I didn't say anything. I closed the distance between us and rested my cheek on his shoulder.

Ash didn't move for what felt like an hour, but then he tugged the blanket back up and folded his arms around me again. He didn't hold me as tightly, though. "I want a Healer to look you over. The bruises should be gone by now."

"No."

"Sera—"

"I don't want a Healer. I'm fine. I just used a lot of eather ." My voice still sounded hoarse. "I would like a bath."

Ash wasn't happy about my choice, but he relented. "I can do that." He kissed the top of my head. "Hold on."

He rose, carrying me into the bathing chamber. I could've walked, but I didn't protest. He set me on the ledge and then placed his hand in the now-cold water, heating it. I shrugged off the blanket and stepped in. A breathy sigh left me as I sank down and reached for the soap.

"Let me." Ash had rolled up his sleeves. He took the soap, setting it aside before cupping his hands in the water.

Warm liquid cascaded over my skin, and I watched crimson ribbons swirl away from my body, staining the water. Ash's hands were gentle, traveling across the planes of my back, washing away the blood.

He had to be exhausted. He likely wanted nothing more than to wash the last two days from his body, but he took his time, running his soapy hands down both of my arms. He took care with my hands and fingers, erasing any traces of blood that lingered. He didn't speak, but so much was said in how he methodically rinsed my hair, his fingers combing through the tangled curls with a tenderness I didn't feel I deserved. Each time the water turned pink with evidence of the night's violence, he drained the tub, only to refill it with clear, clean warmth from the unused buckets that had been brought in. He washed every part of me twice, almost as if he sought to cleanse away more than just the physical evidence of all that had happened. It was like he was also trying to remove the stains upon my soul, offering absolution I was too shattered to ask for.

He lifted me from the tub, and I caught only a glimpse of my reflection as he dried me off. My face was a mess. Bruises marred the skin around my mouth, and my throat showed deep fingerprints.

Ash took me back into the bedchamber and placed me on the bed. He replaced the towel he had wrapped around me with a blanket made of soft-spun yarn.

"I'll be right back," he promised, brushing his lips over my forehead. "Rest."

I nodded, tucking my legs up under the blanket. He grabbed pants from the wardrobe, and I sat there, eyes glued to the bathing chamber. He left the door open, and I saw him strip down. His movements were quick. When he stepped out of my line of sight, I heard water splash. I knew he wouldn't take nearly as long with himself.

I was right.

Within a handful of minutes, he was once more in the bedchamber, the loose cotton pants clinging to the skin he hadn't dried thoroughly. Water still dripped from his hair when he came toward me, roughly rubbing the towel over his head.

"Ash?" I whispered.

He tossed the towel back into the bathing chamber, then started toward me but stopped as my anxiety spiked. "It'll be okay, Sera."

A tremor went through me. "How?"

"Because we will make it okay."

It wasn't that simple.

I forced myself to meet his gaze. It was hard. So many emotions and too many thoughts crowded every part of my being. "You know what I did?"

He didn't look away as he sat on the floor a few feet from the bed. "I do."

"How do we make that okay?" I asked, my heart rate picking up. "I—I can't…"

"You can't what?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head, pressure starting to build in my chest. "I…I can't believe what I did." The words tore at my chest, rattling me. "I can't believe what I caused."

Ash…flinched. " Liessa —"

"Part of the reason you were trapped at the Pillars for almost two days was because of what I did."

"Sera, that's—"

"It's true." Tears crowded my eyes, and I stood on numb legs, wrapping the blanket around me. "I lost control. I killed people—innocent people, Ash."

Eather streaked across his eyes, and his body tensed. "You did."

You did.

He wasn't denying what I'd done. I didn't want him to, but a small, childish part of me wanted him to be oblivious to it. How fucked up was that? I started to turn from him.

"Don't," he said. "Don't shut down. We need to talk about this. No bullshit, Sera. No lies. No half-truths. No hiding."

My lips trembled, and I pressed them together to stop them.

"Okay?" His eyes searched mine. "Sera?"

"Okay." I closed my eyes. A storm of emotions brewing inside me, stirring the eather . "I…I should've listened to you. You said Kolis would do something terrible if he felt threatened. You were right. I knew you were right, and I should've listened, but I didn't think he would do that ."

But that wasn't entirely true, was it? I knew Kolis could be horrifically cruel.

"I didn't want to believe it," I admitted.

"Who would?" He looked up at me. "Who would want to believe he would do that?"

"Who would want to believe what I did?" My legs shook.

The air around us dropped several degrees when Ash's anger rose to the surface. "What you did is not the same as what Kolis did."

"I knew what would happen if I killed a Primal without there being another to take their place, and I still did it." I opened my eyes, and eather gathered like a knot in my chest. "And if I had caught Kyn, I would've done the same to him." My breath came in short, shallow pants. "Do you know I went to Dalos ? I destroyed the Rise."

Something close to pride filled his gaze.

I shook my head. "Don't look at me like that. I killed every guard on the wall."

"Guards loyal to Kolis, Sera."

They had been, and the guilt I felt wasn't for them. "I leveled Cor Palace. There were gods in there. Then I tore down the Sanctuary. I slaughtered gods who said they wouldn't fight me. I destroyed his Ascended."

"I know. There were Ascended at the Pillars."

I flinched at the reminder that they still had souls—that many, if not all of them, would have never chosen their fates. My chest rose and fell rapidly. I searched for anger and disappointment in his features, but all I saw was sorrow. Compassion. Love.

I looked away from it. "Was there…?" I swallowed and pushed past my cowardice. "Were there Chosen at the Pillars? Kolis left them there. I…I didn't know. I didn't stop to even think about them."

"I don't know, and that is the truth," he said. "There were many souls there. When that happened, the Pillars couldn't perform their duty. I wrote many names, but I did not personally handle any Chosen. Rhahar could have."

A shudder rocked me, and I lowered myself to the floor, needing to be closer to him. "I… When Embris died, it destroyed most of Terra. There were…entire villages were wiped out. Whole families. They were…" Images of their ash-encased bodies filled my mind, and I shook my head. "I brought them back without even thinking of the price. I saved them and, in the same breath, sentenced others to death. Even before that, when I first saw what they had done to—" My voice broke, and Ash tipped his head down, resting his forehead against mine. "I couldn't control my rage. It became this tangible storm that continued to wreak havoc on those in Lasania —in Carsodonia . I don't even know how many I killed tonight."

"Does it matter?" His eyes met mine. "One is enough. You've said as much yourself. Whether it was ten, a hundred, or a thousand, it will not change how you feel right now."

The weight continued pressing down on me. "Then tell me I was wrong. Tell me I fucked up! Tell me that—"

"I understand," he cut me off. "That's not what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear."

I stared at him in disbelief. "How can you understand what I did, Ash?" The pressure amplified. "How can you even stand to look at me?"

His eyes widened, and his skin thinned. The temperature dropped even more. "Are you…?" Eather swirled in his eyes, and shadows blossomed under his flesh. "Are you fucking serious right now? You're honestly asking that question?"

"I am the true Primal of Life—"

"You are Seraphena Mierel !" His eyes flashed pure silver for a heartbeat, and the walls trembled, causing the chandelier to sway. "You are my wife. My fucking everything. I've told you this before, and it remains the same. There is nothing you could do that would ever change what I see or how I feel when I look at you."

I sucked in a staggered breath. I knew that. Of course, I did.

"And I do understand what you did because, right or wrong, I would've done the same."

"No, you wouldn't have. You are better—"

"I am not better than that!" he shouted, pitching forward to plant his hands on the floor in front of him. For a moment, I thought he might take his wolf form. That was how he looked. "I am not better than you, Sera. You keep forgetting what I would've done if I'd lost you. I would've destroyed both realms. I would've become the end of everything, and the Fates know I wouldn't have thought twice," he snarled, his fangs bared. "Do you really think I didn't try to kill Kolis after he murdered my father? I did. Even though I wasn't powerful enough to do so, I fully intended to while knowing the consequences. I tried to kill him when he had you in Dalos , or did you forget that, too?"

I shivered. "I haven't forgotten, Ash, but this isn't the same, and you know it's not."

"What I know is that realms would be on fire if I had lost you," he swore. "And even though you know that to be true, it does not change how you feel about me. Just because I have you doesn't change what my intent would've been." He took a deep breath, visibly attempting to calm himself. "I know what you want. What you think you need. You think you deserve to be punished. That something should be taken from you."

"Would I be wrong?" I cried.

"Your guilt? Your remorse? It is choking me, so I know it must be suffocating you." His voice cracked, and a glistening sheen of tears reflected in his eyes. "And I know it's not going to be something that will magically disappear tomorrow. And there will be a tomorrow, Sera. There will be a thousand and more tomorrows. And I know your remorse will still be there with you no matter how many tomorrows there are. That is punishment enough."

Was it, though?

He closed his eyes, and when they reopened, his lashes were damp. "What you did is not the same as Kolis."

"What I did started as an act of justice, but it turned into nothing more than vengeance," I said, disgust and shame lacing each word I spoke. "And once that happens, no one is on the right side. I went too far, and people paid with their lives."

"Listen to me, Sera. Two things can be true at the same time. You went too far, but you are not Kolis. That doesn't absolve you of responsibility, but it is not the same."

I shook my head, a wail of grief welling up in me.

Shadows crawled up his neck and spread across his jaw. "Did you intend to kill? I'm not talking about Embris or the guards. Not even the Ascended. Did you intend to kill mortals?"

I drew back. "Gods, no."

"Did Kolis intend to do so?"

"Yes."

" That is the difference, and I can tell you right now, Kolis doesn't feel an ounce of regret for what he ordered," he said. "That is another difference."

A tremor started building deep inside me. "But how…how do I live with this?"

"You don't just live with it," he said, his hands trembling when he tipped my head back. "You accept what you did. You learn from it."

Accept it? A thousand years could pass, and I would still be horrified by what I'd caused. But I…

"I'm already learning," I said. "I didn't listen to my instincts. I should've listened to you and the others. I never should've believed that Kolis would put the realms before himself and his wants. I should've refused to offer him a deal instead of wanting to be better—less like who I was. Less like Kolis and more like your father. But that's the thing, Ash. I am like Kolis."

His nostrils flared. "I swear to the fucking Fates—"

"I am, Ash. That's what you don't want to accept." I shook even harder. "I am not him or Veses , but I am not a benevolent person. I'm not cruel, but I don't regret killing Embris for his role in taking my family from me. I never even really spoke to him, and he was more than happy to carry out Kolis's orders and help kill innocent people. Or maybe he wasn't happy to do so. Maybe he was threatened or scared. I don't care. I'm glad I saw the life go out of his eyes." I couldn't sit still any longer, so I rose again.

As Ash stared up at me in silence, I took a deep breath and willed my heart to settle. "I am not a forgiving person. I try to be, but I can be monstrous. More so than you, and I am capable of horrific violence."

"So am I." He leaned back, bending one knee.

"You are when it comes to me or Kolis, but you would not have done what I did if I wasn't threatened." I held the blanket tighter around me. "You said no lies. No bullshit or half-truths. You would've stopped yourself. You know that."

Ash looked away, a muscle ticking in his jaw.

"I never should've tried to handle this like I thought Eythos would have. I should have—" I stopped myself. Should have. Could have. Would have. I fucking hated them.

"What are you saying?" Ash asked.

"I'm saying I…I need to be me."

His gaze met mine. "That's all I've ever wanted. That is all the realms need."

I stared at him, the clarity of his words driving me down. I sat on the edge of the bed. Gods. Ash…he'd always known what I was. What I was capable of. The good. The bad. The beautiful and the ugly. He had always accepted me. I'd just never accepted that. I hadn't wanted to face it. Just like I…

I hadn't faced so much in my life. It hadn't made me stronger. It had only made me weaker.

He rose and knelt in front of me. " You are who I fell in love with, Sera. Every part of you. Not just the easy stuff but the complicated, messy aspects, too. I love each part of you equally. You will always be what I cherish most, liessa ." Clasping my cheeks, he kissed the top of my head. "Nothing will ever change that."