CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

Wrapped in a deep violet robe with pretty embroidery and pearls, I sat on the balcony's daybed, staring up at the star-strewn night sky, despite it being cold enough to need to tuck my legs beneath the heavy folds of the robe. The chill in the air made me think that snow may soon fall.

An entire day had passed since Ash coaxed me out of my nota , and we'd spent most of that time sleeping—actually, he was still sleeping. Both of us were exhausted to a bone-deep level and were lucky things were quiet, giving us time to rest. I couldn't sense the true Primal of Death. It was like before he'd awakened from stasis the last time. I felt nothing, no intuition concerning his current state. I had to assume he was still in stasis.

That allowed me to relax. A little. I should be resting, too, but when my eyes had opened, memories of what I'd done came to the forefront, and I hadn't been able to fall back to sleep.

So, here I sat, watching the guards patrol the Rise, thinking about everything Ash had said. He'd been right. A thousand tomorrows would come, and I would still carry the guilt with me. Sure, it would lessen as time passed, and I accepted it.

But it would always be there, haunting the back of my mind like the spirits lingering in the Dark Elms, refusing to cross over.

And that wasn't the only thing haunting me.

When we were awake earlier, it had only been long enough to eat and for Ash to check in with the others. He hadn't been gone for more than ten minutes—I honestly didn't think he'd even left the fourth floor. But when he returned, his flesh was noticeably warmer. Ash had given me his blood then, which was why I was sitting outside, possibly turning into a Primal ice cube.

I remembered what I'd learned before…everything happened.

Ash had been feeding from Rhain.

A shaky breath left me, and I closed my eyes. That wasn't the only thing I'd been thinking about, though. What I'd done occupied my thoughts, as did what Ash had said to me. He had been right. I had to face it, accept it—even though it would be painful—and live with it. Accepting it also meant facing a harsh truth about myself.

And what I'd been through.

Not just with Kolis but also with Tavius and my training . I forced myself to sit with it just like I had that day in the library. To acknowledge things I hadn't shared with Aios . Moments I'd convinced myself weren't happening when they were, and still pretended to this very moment hadn't occurred. But no amount of refusing to acknowledge what had really taken place when Kolis fed from me stopped the truth from haunting the farthest recesses of my mind or finding me in sleep.

When Kolis bit me the second time, he hadn't just held me as he found pleasure. I counted my breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

He had touched me as he fed from me. He'd held me in his lap, my feet unable to touch the floor, and the hand that skimmed over the fucking poor excuse for a dress had slipped under.

My hands were clenched as tightly now as they had been then. No matter how far I had retreated in my mind as part of him invaded me, my subconscious still remembered. My body could still feel the rough, scalding jab of his fingers. Mentally, I hadn't been there when it happened, but a part of my soul had been there every single fucking day since. And telling myself it could've been worse no longer helped. Saying that it wasn't assault just because he'd used his fangs and fingers instead of his dick didn't change that it was. It didn't change who I was. Didn't change that I had been a victim.

My nails dug into my palms as I counted. One, two, three, four, five. Being a victim wasn't a weakness, a stain, or something to be ashamed of. All those ugly things were bestowed upon the victimizer. That wasn't on me.

"Sera."

My eyes flew open at the sound of Ash's voice. I'd been so lost in my thoughts I hadn't heard him walk out onto the balcony or felt how close he was, standing only a few feet from me.

His hair lay free, brushing his bare shoulders and that hard-as-granite jawline. He moved as if to come closer but halted, his eyes burning brightly under the starlight. "What are you doing out here, liessa ?"

I swallowed. "Thinking."

He stared at me intently, like he did every so often, and I suspected he was checking to see if all the bruises had faded. Most of them had. Just a few pale blue ones remained, and I knew it bothered him. The bruises should be completely gone by now, and I was willing to bet I would be having a one-on-one with the Healer tomorrow if they weren't.

"And freezing while doing so?" he said finally.

A wan smile tugged at my lips. "It's not that cold." My gaze moved, taking in the hard-packed muscles of his chest and abdomen. Even his feet were bare. "I have far more clothing on than you do."

"Good point," he acknowledged with a tilt of his head. "But I don't feel the cold like you do."

It was strange that Kolis now felt as cold as Ash, but Kolis's frigidness hurt to come into contact with. Ash's never did. My gaze swept over his face. There were still faint shadows of weariness under his eyes.

His chest rose with a deep breath. "How long have you been awake?"

"I don't know." I glanced at the sky, seeing no hints of dawn. "A couple of hours."

Concern flickered across his features. "You've been out here this whole time?"

"I couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake you."

"I'd rather you had awakened me." He came forward then, sitting beside me.

"You're tired, Ash, and you need your sleep. The fact that you didn't wake up when I left is evidence of that."

"You need your rest, too." His gaze dropped to my hands in my lap. "More so than I do."

Ash reached over and picked up my hands. He carefully straightened my fingers, stiffening when he saw the three little crescent-shaped marks on each of my palms left behind by my fingernails.

" Liessa ," he murmured, and my heart ached as he lifted my hands and brushed his lips over the fading marks.

As he smoothed calloused thumbs over my palms, I had a feeling I was projecting a whole mess of emotions onto him. And it was a mess because I felt everything right now. Sorrow. Anger. Nervousness. I knew I needed to talk to Ash. Really talk. But there was nothing easy about that for me. I was never the talking type. I hadn't been raised that way. It wasn't an excuse. It was just the truth. When it came to something important, I could rehearse everything I wanted to say a hundred times, but the moment I opened my mouth, something entirely different came out. Even more so when it came to this.

But I had to.

Because what I'd gone through was slowly chipping away pieces of me. Eventually, I would be left with nothing.

"It's not true, you know." I stared at our hands. "I don't need more rest than you."

"What makes you think that?"

"I fed from you a handful of hours ago," I said.

He said nothing, opting to kiss my palms again. Then he placed my hands back in my lap and rose. He went to the railing and leaned against the shadowstone . The muscles along his shoulders bulged as he eyed a guard in the distance. "Is that what you've been thinking about while sitting out here?"

"Yes, and no. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff."

He faced me. "You going to tell me what you've been thinking about?"

Talk to me.

That's what he always said. When I didn't, he didn't push, except for the night of the sekya attack. I doubted he would push now. I wanted to talk. Needed to. I just didn't know where to start because this—all of this inside me—hadn't been birthed into creation when Kolis captured me. It had started long before then.

Ash drew in a heavy breath and pushed away from the railing. "Will you at least come back to bed with me?"

My gaze flew to his, and my chest seized. Words bubbled up, shaken free. Ones I had only ever shared with Nektas . "I tried to end my life once."

Ash's entire body jerked back, and he bumped into the railing. "What?"

Part of me couldn't believe that was where I'd started—that I had just hurled that at him with no warning. He hadn't been prepared to hear it. The shock in his expression was proof. "I'm sorry. I probably should've given you some sort of heads-up on that."

Ash stared at me. His hands had returned to the railing, and he held on to it as if he needed the support.

I looked away from his hands, focusing on mine. "I drank a vial of sleeping draft—far more than necessary. And convinced myself for so long that it was accidental. That it wasn't on purpose. But…" My nose and eyes stung. "It was. I didn't want to wake up."

"Why?" he asked hoarsely.

"I don't know," I said with a shaky sigh and peeked up at him. His eyes were closed tightly. "That's not entirely true. There wasn't one reason. I don't think there was even one reason—specifically what he believed my fate to be—for why my father took his life. It's never that simple."

A spasm ran through him, and his lashes lifted. When he spoke, his voice sounded as choked as mine felt. "When did you try that?"

"I know what you're thinking. That it's because you rejected me."

His jaw clenched. "That wasn't a reason?"

"It doesn't matter, Ash. You're not responsible for that. Just like I know I'm not responsible for my father, even though I spent most of my life feeling like I was. I just…I felt like I was failing everyone and myself. I didn't like who I was because I was no one. I was this blank canvas, taught to act and behave like someone. To not really have feelings. Like I couldn't be mad or even happy. I was just to be whatever I needed to be." I knew I was rambling, but I couldn't stop myself. "But I wasn't good at that, so I had to pretend how my mother acted didn't affect me. I made myself okay with the fact that no one, except Odetta and Holland, really touched me. I just had to deal with Tavius and him thinking he could do whatever he wanted to me."

My fingers curled inward again. "I couldn't refuse training, whether it came to mastering a sword or seduction, and I had no one, not even Holland, that I could really talk to."

"This training? To seduce?" Ash sounded like each word cut his throat to speak. "How old were you when it began?"

"Not old enough to be able to deal with it," I admitted quietly. "I was scared at first. I remember begging Holland to not let me go, but…" I closed my eyes and shook my head. "That part of my life was so…weird."

"I can think of a better word than weird," he bit out.

"I mean, I felt embarrassed to be doing the things I was being taught and didn't know how to feel about it. Sometimes, it felt good, but it…it also felt wrong."

"Because it was wrong," he said.

"I know." I sighed. "I think maybe I knew it then, too. But I couldn't say no. I couldn't say I didn't want to do it. I didn't have a choice in anything. And I…I didn't want to do it anymore. So, the draft."

Ash looked stricken, as if someone had plunged a dagger into his chest.

"I regretted it as soon as I woke up. I was embarrassed. And I hated that I felt that way." My lips peeled back with a low growl. "I still hate that my head just doesn't work like it should. You know? Like there were—and still are—others with worse childhoods and experiences, and they never once thought about trying or doing something like that." I laughed, but there was no humor in it. "But I did."

"I'm so damn sorry, Sera," he whispered. "All those times I said you had no regard for your life. I didn't know. If I had, I would never have said that."

"You don't need to apologize because it's true. Or was," I said, holding the edge of the blanket to my chin. "I didn't value my life. Not until I decided I wanted to live—when it felt like it was too late. You're part of the reason. I mean, it's not just you. It was also gaining control. A sense of self. I was no longer an empty vessel. I was becoming someone, and you helped me do that. And I…"

I lifted my head to find Ash watching me from where he stood by the railing, his eyes glittering.

I wet my dry lips. "You…you've been feeding from Rhain."

Ash went completely still.

"That's why you don't feel as cold sometimes," I said, my chest aching anew. "You had to go to him because I couldn't provide for you."

"Sera." Ash jerked away from the railing. "You provide for me. You give me everything I could ever want."

"Except the one thing you need to survive. It's okay—" I winced. "No, it's not okay. What I'm saying is that I'm not mad at you or anything. It makes me love you even more because I know how hard it is for you to feed from others. I'm angry with myself."

His hands fisted at his sides. "Do not be angry with yourself. Kolis—"

"He took that from me. From us. I know. You were right when you said that."

"I don't care about being right." He came forward and lowered himself to his knees before me. "I will do anything for you not to feel fear, Sera."

"I know." The pressure was crushing then, my chest squeezing as if a giant hand was trying to pinch off my breath. "You never caused me fear. I know you won't hurt me. I just… My mind goes back there to Kolis. To being in that fucking cage, and him…"

Ash reached for me but placed his hands on either side of me instead. "And him…?"

I opened my mouth when more words slithered their way up my throat. "Him having complete control. In what I wore. What I ate. Where I went. He put me on display as if I was some kind of token. Or a pet. Even when he held court. And you know what the fucked-up thing was? He liked it when I tried to escape, or he scared me. He enjoyed it. And not because he's a fucking piece of shit, but because it reminded him of Sotoria . Gods…" I tugged at the stitching on my robe. "He didn't like it when I mouthed off. Because there were times, Ash, when I couldn't pretend. I just couldn't. And when that happened, it didn't matter that he believed I was Sotoria ."

"What?" His voice was steady but thin. "What did he do?"

"He almost always controlled himself, and gods, that was somehow scarier. Seeing him get to that edge and then pull back? It left me feeling like I was constantly on the cliff's edge. I know that doesn't make sense, but that…that was worse than the chains."

Ash's inhale was audible. "The chains?"

"I…" I stared at his shoulder. "It was because of Veses ."

"I will kill that bitch."

"It wasn't her fault," I said with a humorless laugh. "He punished her. Gave her to Kyn in front of everyone." I almost gagged, disgust rolling through me. "And, gods, I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate him. But that wasn't right. I don't care what Veses says. It was disgusting. I told him as much, and I'd already mouthed off at him more than once that day. I just couldn't…" I shook my head. "He hung me by my arms."

The temperature plummeted. I could see my breath. A thin layer of ice spread from Ash's knees and crept across the balcony floor. My gaze flew to his.

There were no pupils visible in his eyes.

"Ash," I whispered.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

His neck twisted to the side. "I still look like me, don't I?"

I nodded.

"Then I'm okay." The eather retreated a bit from his eyes. "Please. Please, keep talking."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"It is. I need you to." His shoulders rolled. "You need to."

"I don't want this stuff in your head, Ash. You already have enough."

"It's been in my head, Sera," he said hoarsely, his features stark. "It's in my head every night you scream. It's there when I feel you lock up against me. When I can tell you're fighting not to pull away from me. It's already there."

Pain lanced my chest. "I don't want that."

"I know." He took a breath, and the ice began to melt. "Tell me how Rhain ended up freed."

My heart stuttered. "You don't know?"

"I don't know what I know. Or what I don't."

I glanced down at his hands. The knuckles were bleached white. "Kolis was going to have Rhain killed, and I…I couldn't allow that. I told him that it would only worsen tensions if he killed Rhain. That is true."

"But that wasn't the only thing."

"No." I focused on the golden imprint on my hand. "I told him I would do anything. That I was willing to make a deal." I looked up at Ash. "What I'm about to tell you is the truth. I'm not omitting anything. I'm being completely honest, and I need you to believe that."

His eyes searched mine. "I'll believe you."

I took a breath and counted to five. "He agreed to free Rhain if I allowed him to sleep with me—"

Ash's eyes flashed pure silver.

"All he meant was sleeping next to me," I quickly added. "That was all. He wanted to…" My lip curled. "Hold me while he slept."

"Did you think that was what he meant?" he asked after several tense moments.

"No," I whispered, feeling daggers in my gut. "All I could think about was saving Rhain. I panicked, and I agreed. I'm sorry—"

"Fates, do not apologize." He sank back on his haunches. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"But—"

"No," he snarled, shadows appearing and then disappearing beneath his skin. "Even if he wanted more and you agreed to it, you would have done so under duress. That's not true consent. Ask me how I know."

"I don't need to ask," I said. "I know how you know."

"Then do not waste a fucking second on guilt."

My chest rose deeply. "I…I won't. You're right."

He twisted his neck again. "Is that the only time he wanted to sleep beside you?"

I shook my head.

Ash took a breath. I wasn't sure if he took another after that.

"He has remained celibate since Sotoria ." I watched his chest, looking for movement. "How incredibly creepy is that?"

The chest rose then. "I don't even know what to say."

I nodded.

"There's more," he said quietly.

I nodded again, my mind returning to when I first woke up in Dalos . "You…you know he fed from me the first time. That time it hurt. It was so painful, and I was relieved." I closed my eyes. "When he did it again, it was…it was after Ione told him I was Sotoria . He didn't make it hurt for long."

"But he did at first?"

"He was mad. I asked about freeing you, and he was so angry that I brought up your name while he…held me," I said, anger rising. "That's when he bit me again. But then he was…gentle because he thought I was Sotoria ." Revulsion churned through me. Telling Aios this part hadn't been easy, but every word took so much damn effort now. "And that was worse. It didn't feel bad, and I hated that. I fucking hated it."

"It's not your fault, Sera. Even if you felt pleasure, it's not something you can control," he said quietly. "I couldn't control it when Veses fed from me."

"I know," I whispered for what felt like the hundredth time. I could feel his hands shaking on the daybed beside me. "I do know. But sometimes, I can…I can feel him behind me. Moving ," I spat, my stomach churning. "I can feel him against me, and I'm suddenly back there, unable to stop him. Unable to do anything but let it happen. Wait it out as he finds pleasure and…"

"And what?" Ash asked—or begged.

My throat burned. "He…he touched me. It wasn't the first time. He used compulsion against me in the beginning, right after I stabbed him. He'd had enough of my mouth and antics, and when he returned me to Dalos , he touched me like he was unfamiliar with a woman's body or something." Words rushed out of me then like a flood overflowing the banks of a river. "But he didn't go too far, not like he did when he fed from me. Then, he put his hands on me, inside me—" I smacked my hands over my face, choking on what spilled out of me. And it wasn't just what Kolis had done that tore itself from me now. It was how Tavius had tried to put his hands on me. How he'd pinned me to my bed that fateful morning Ash finally came for me. I spat out the knowledge that if I had remained in Wayfair Castle a day longer, Tavius would've likely followed through on his threats.

And it just kept flooding out of me, pumping from that chasm in my chest. I didn't even know what I was saying. I jumped from Kolis to Tavius to the training to fucking Kyn and his crudeness until I was panting for breath. Until what I thought while Kolis assaulted me became words I whispered. "I hate him. I hate Kolis, and I hate Eythos for creating that situation. I hate the Fates for preventing him from telling you the truth, and I fucking loathe how much everything reminds me of Tavius."

Ash's cool fingers folded around my wrists. "Sera, love—"

"I hate them!" I screamed, my throat convulsing. I screamed as the knot of sorrow lodged in my chest, too big to pass. Ash moved swiftly, lifting me into his arms and folding his hand against the back of my head. I screamed into his chest when he carried me inside, and the doors closed behind us as he brought me to the floor beside the bed. "I hate them!"

I couldn't stop as Ash held me tightly to his chest. I shrieked my hatred against him as the floors trembled and the call of worried draken drew closer to the palace. I raged until my anger gave way to grief, and the tears no longer choked me but ran down my face. I broke, my screams turning into sobs that shook my entire body. At some point, those cries took on a different source.

Ash held me, his cheek pressed to the top of my head. He rocked us, assuring me it would be okay. That he was there and would always be there. Reminding me that he loved me. Telling me to let it out as tears fell for Ezra and Marisol. For all the lives Kolis had taken and the ones who'd perished because of my actions. I grieved for who I was before Kolis. Who we had been. Clutching Ash's arms, I howled the agony of losing my mother and the small spark of hope that had been extinguished. And I mourned .

I mourned the knowledge that the realms would never be the same because of me.

Ash smoothed his hand over my head and ran his fingers through my hair. He'd been doing that for…I didn't know how long.

We were still on the floor, me in his arms, my tear-stained cheek plastered to his chest. My head ached a little, but I had stopped crying. Finally. I had shed so many tears I didn't think it was possible for me to ever cry again.

Like with Aios , I didn't feel better after telling Ash everything, but I knew I would eventually.

We were quiet for so long that I flinched when I broke the silence with my hoarse voice. "Ash?"

He kissed the top of my head. " Liessa ?"

The breath I exhaled was shaky. I was a little afraid to ask what I did next. "My mother…where is she now?"

Ash brushed his lips over my forehead this time. "She's in the Vale," he said. "I don't think that's what she deserves, but I thought that was what you would want."

I squeezed my eyes closed. I was wrong. There were more tears. "Thank you," I whispered, knowing how hard it must have been for him to send her to the Vale.

His arm tightened around me, and we fell into another stretch of silence. The weight of his hand and the feel of his fingers sifting through my hair were soothing, allowing my mind to clear. There was something else I needed to tell Ash, something I'd realized while in my nota form and had come to accept.

I would never be able to slay the monstrous side of me. I would only ever be able to wound it. It would always be a part of me.

Drawing in a breath, I sat back. Ash's eyes opened and immediately found mine. "There's something I need to say."

His hand left my hair and swept down my back. "I'm listening."

"I don't want to lose control like I did again, but I know me," I said. "I need you to promise me something, Ash."

His hand halted on my lower back. "What do you want me to promise, Sera?"

A wry smile tugged at my lips. "You didn't automatically say, ‘ anything .'"

"I know better than to say that right now." Tension bracketed his mouth. "What do you want me to promise?"

"I want you to promise you'll stop me," I said, and his features took on a blade-sharp edge. "I know me. I…I will lose control again, especially when it comes to Kolis." I drew in a shallow breath. "When he came to Lotho , he…he killed almost all the draken there. He didn't even seem to care if they remained loyal to Embris —to him—or not. Then he laughed, and—" I swallowed the lingering taste of horror. "He sang , and gods and godlings leapt to their deaths, Ash. Dozens of them. Maybe more. Thierran is the last oneirou now." The hardest words came next, the reason it would erase every good intention I had. I rose, needing space to say what I had to. "He…he killed Ezra and Marisol. He snapped my mother's neck with his hands."

Ash tipped his head back, his jaw tensing.

"There's more," I said, my voice trembling as I spoke, even further proof of why I couldn't be trusted to quell my rage. "He doesn't just want Sotoria's soul. He wants us to suffer like he has, and in the most messed-up way that I truly do not need to go into details with."

Ash didn't blink. He didn't breathe. But his eyes turned into pure silver orbs.

"I cannot promise I will not lose control again because of that. I wish I were different, but I'm not," I told him. "I need you to intervene if I get to that point."

His entire body jerked back with a swift inhale. "Sera—"

"I know that what I'm asking is horrible. I know . And I hate that I'm asking you this. That I'm putting you in this situation." Tears blurred his features. I turned and sat on the edge of the bed. "But you cannot allow me to seek vengeance because I will not be able to live with doing something like that again."

He twisted toward me. "I will help you ensure it doesn't get to that point."

"I hope you do. But if you can't?"

"I will ," he growled, pushing to his feet. He stepped back and thrust a hand through his hair.

I squeezed my eyes shut. "But if you can't, Ash, I need you to stop me by…by any means necessary."

He swore, and an icy wind whipped through the bedchamber, tossing my hair across my face. "Do you realize what you're asking of me?"

"I do."

"I would have to put you in the ground, Sera. Into stasis. I would have to—" Eyes closing, his fisted hand went to his heart. "I would have to hurt you."

I could see that this was hurting him . "I'm sorry. I know what it would do to you, and I hate that. I hate that I'm even asking this. But whatever pain you would cause would be momentary. The pain I would cause if I lost control again would end me, Ash. It would. I wouldn't be able to come back from it. Please," I whispered. "Please, promise me."

He was kneeling before me in a heartbeat, the tips of his fingers chasing away the tears. Hands trembling, he rested his forehead against mine and shuddered.

Neither of us spoke for several long moments. When he did, pain coated each word, but so did love. Not the blind, foolish sort, but real love. The hard kind. "I promise," he rasped, his voice thickening with barely checked agony. "I swear I will stop you—" His voice cracked, and I felt the dampness of his tears mixing with mine. "I will stop you from seeking vengeance."

The air shifted and charged, responding to the oath made by a Primal. I felt it in my bones—the promise becoming an unbreakable vow that would remain until we entered Arcadia.