CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

The release of energy came in a flash of intense whitish-silver light.

It wasn't a destructive discharge of power, but it still threw Ward back and knocked the air out of me.

I'd been wrong.

Ward hadn't sliced Kolis's head completely off. And I wished I hadn't been wrong for several reasons. The least important one—but the only reason I could focus on at the moment—was the fact that Kolis's head had flopped to the side, lying against his shoulder, exposing torn sinew and bone. His head was only hanging on by threads of flesh.

He blinked at me, his mouth stretched wide in a silent, bloody snarl.

I would never unsee this. And there was a good chance I might vomit, but I needed to snap out of it. He staggered to his feet, and mist poured from him, opening a tear in the realm. I groaned, rolling onto my side and trying to stand. Kolis was severely weakened, and that kind of injury wouldn't heal right away. The tomb in Oak Ambler wasn't ready, and we didn't have enough Ancient bone to hold him. But if we could keep him—

The entire realm seemed to flicker into nothingness—either that or I passed out because the next thing I knew, Ward was hovering over me, his sandy-blond hair damp with fallen snow. Concern was clearly etched into the sun-weathered lines of his face.

"Say something," he said, his cold hand on my cheek.

I swallowed, wincing as pain flared in my throat. "Hi?"

His brows shot up. "Say something a little more complex than that."

"You almost cut Kolis's head off."

"Feels strange to be relieved to hear you say that," he said. "But yes, I did."

"He's gone, isn't he?"

Ward nodded.

I swore, squeezing my eyes shut. Kolis would likely be down for the count, but…

"Thank you," I said.

"No need to thank me."

But there was. If he hadn't shown up…

Ward worked an arm under my shoulders and apologized. I winced. "You need to get out—" He cursed, ducking his head when a large, green-and-brown-scaled draken landed on the edge of the ruined chamber. " Godsdamnit ," he muttered, glaring at the draken , who stared back at us with vivid sapphire eyes.

"What is it with…you and draken ?" I asked as he helped me stand. The…the imprint of that draken was familiar. Aurelia? Attes's draken ?

"They breathe fiery eather ," he quipped. "Enough said."

I figured he had a point. "Aurelia?"

The draken nodded.

"She won't hurt you," I said, taking a deep breath that hurt my ribs, spine…everything.

"Sure." Ward sounded doubtful.

The valley below was illuminated with streaks of eather once more, drawing my attention. I stiffened. Aurelia's neck swiveled gracefully. She peered down into the valley, letting out a low whimper. I pulled away from the viktor and limped toward the edge of the atrium. Snow continued to fall in heavy sheets, coating the rooftops and the once rain-slicked streets. It wasn't the only thing that littered the tops of buildings and roads. Bodies did, too. Lotho residents moved in the streets, seeing to the fallen.

I turned away from the sight. The reminder of the true extent of Kolis's power was painful. "Is it Attes and Kyn?"

Yes , came Aurelia's response. It wasn't as loud or clear as when I heard Nektas or even Reaver, but the worry in her soft voice was evident.

My hands closed into fists. "I need to get down there and help Attes ." I tried to summon the eather , but the pulse of power was weak. "I don't think I can shadowstep ."

"Going down there would be unwise," Ward stated.

"Agreed," another voice intruded, snapping my head toward the still-standing interior wall.

Thierran strode forward, the hood of his cloak shielding his head from the precipitation. The footprints the oneirou left in the snow were red. Blood. He carried a short sword at his side, the tip also dripping blood.

"How did you get here?" I demanded, tensing as I reached out, taking the bone dagger from Ward's hand. Ash said Thierran could be trusted. Somewhat. But I wasn't taking any chances.

"Trust no one. Smart girl," he murmured, eyeing the dagger. His gaze lifted to mine. "I could sense…something going on down here, other than the obvious," he said. "Since I am from Lotho , I can enter without it causing a stir. No one else from the Shadowlands could do that, so Rhain sent me."

It made sense, but I kept the dagger in my hand. "You had trouble coming in?"

His head tilted. "More like I figured it was time to settle some old scores on my way up."

Ward grunted something under his breath and crossed his arms. I eyed the oneirou . What had Ash said? He'd called Thierran an opportunist. A low laugh left me.

The oneirou 's violet eyes glittered with amusement. "You're wounded." He paused. "And you smell of Death."

"Thanks," I murmured. "Kolis was here."

"That's who did this?" He looked over the side of the mountain and his jaw tensed. "He finally almost succeeded."

"In what?" I noticed the snow had slowed.

"Eradicating the oneirou ." He sheathed his sword. "I am the last."

Gods. The weight of that was almost too much to bear as it stacked on top of all the other losses. "I'm sorry."

Thierran's gaze met mine. There was nothing to be gained from his expression. "Thank you," he said finally, bowing his head.

Kyn tucked tail and ran, Aurelia said through the notam , each word laced with disgust. Even left his wounded draken here.

The draken .

I sucked in a shrill breath when images of the falling draken filled my mind. " Lotho had how many draken ?"

"Ten, I believe," Thierran answered.

There were only two now. I shuddered.

Aurelia lowered her head when Attes appeared. He looked as bad as I felt. The armor across his chest was dented, fresh blood coursed down his arms, and his leather pants were charred in several places.

"Where the fuck is Kolis?" he growled.

"Likely gone to ground." I sheathed the bone dagger. "Ward here snuck up on him and nearly decapitated him."

"Wouldn't have been able to do it if he hadn't been so focused on you," Ward replied.

Attes's gaze shot to mine, and I looked away. He reached out and ran his palm over Aurelia's scaled jaw. "Come on." He came to my side, and Aurelia took off, rising into the sky. "Let's get you home before any other asshole decides to show up."

I nodded but then turned to the oneirou . "Are you coming back?"

"Eventually. No need to rush now that Embris is no more." A grin appeared, curving the straight lines of his scars. "Can't say I am even remotely upset about that."

"We can agree on that," Ward said gruffly, and my chest hollowed. He bowed his head toward me. "If you will excuse me, I would like to check on Penellaphe ."

"Thank you again," I said, weariness settling in. And now that the adrenaline was gone, I could feel the cracks in my restraint starting to form.

Ward waved my gratitude off, walking away. Attes folded an arm around my waist and told Thierran , "Stay out of trouble."

The oneirou smiled in a way that told me he planned to use this time to settle more scores. I wanted to laugh again.

Attes shadowstepped us back to the House of Haides, and as the mist around us faded, I saw familiar faces in the palace's foyer. Solemn expressions. Worried eyes.

It was Rhain who stepped forward. "Sera?"

"Where is Nyktos ?" Attes demanded.

"He's still at the Pillars," Rhain said, his gaze fixed on me. " Rhahar joined him to help. There's been…"

There had been even more souls passing through the Pillars.

Because of me.

Because of Kolis.

A tremor coursed through me.

"I'll have fresh water sent to your chambers," Aios said, drawing away from a shockingly quiet Bele. "We'll get you cleaned up."

I said nothing, just started to go with Attes and Rhain as they led me toward the stairs. Some distant part of my brain clicked back on, and I remembered what the events of tonight actually meant. I needed to keep it together. For just a little bit longer.

"Are the Shadowlands secured?" I asked, barely recognizing my voice.

"Yes," Lailah answered. "Soldiers are on the Rise surrounding Lethe and the palace since this…this began."

"Has Theon been notified to watch for any movement?"

"Yes," she said.

"Good." I pressed my hand to my lower stomach, my mind racing. "We…should send someone to Mount Lotho ," I said, truly having no idea how much Holland would intervene if there was another attack. "There are only two draken remaining. Penellaphe's Court will be vulnerable until she awakens."

Lailah's inhale was swift. "Only two?"

"Kolis," I said, and that was all I could say about that.

"I'm already on it," Attes assured me. "Aurelia will send Elias and several of my most trusted guards."

"Sera." Saion moved into my line of sight. "What are the orders if we see ships entering the Lassa Sea?"

I met his stare, but all I saw were the people of Lotho leaping to their deaths. "If they do not swear allegiance to the true Queen and King, destroy them."

"Are you sure?" Attes asked.

"I think she was pretty clear," Bele growled, eather pooling in her eyes.

Rhain turned to me. "There will be no turning back if that is what we do."

"We are already past that point, and that was before Kolis had my family slaughtered," I hissed, and Bele gasped. The shock radiating through each of their faces told me they hadn't learned about that yet. Energy ramped up inside me. "We were already past that point. I just didn't see it until now."

"Fates," Rhain rasped.

Attes hung his head in shame that didn't belong to him.

"I will no longer risk the lives of those I care for," I told them. "If any forces are perceived as a threat, destroy them."

Saion nodded, anger mixing with the disbelief in his expression. "Understood and agreed."

Lailah joined him, thumping her fist off her chest. "We will gladly follow those orders."

I inhaled through the burning in my throat and eyes.

"Bele," Attes said. "You need to protect your Court's boundaries."

Bele's nostrils flared. "I need to protect my Queen—"

"You will be doing just that by making sure your Court doesn't fall into Kolis's hands," I said.

Bele's jaw flexed, but she nodded. "I promise that will not happen."

"I know." I forced a swallow. "Kolis is wounded. He will be out, but I don't know for how long. And I assume Kyn isn't in much better shape."

"He's not," Attes confirmed.

"But we should plan for either of them to make a move at any point," I continued, glancing at Rhain. "We need to send forces to Sirta to back up Bele."

There were several nods.

"I will also send a division." Attes tugged on my waist. "Come."

Kars moved away from the pedestal and stopped in front of us. He lowered himself to one knee and bowed his head. "I am sorry for your loss," he said, his voice thick. "May your family be welcomed into the arms of those waiting for them in the Vale."

Tears clogged my throat and stung my eyes. I felt myself begin to shake and crack further. "Thank you."

I had no idea how I ended up in my bedchambers, whether I had walked or Attes had shadowstepped us—for all I knew, he could've carried me. But we were there.

I looked around the space. Everything looked different now.

Attes stood in front of me and took my left hand in his. "Sera—"

Closing my eyes, I immediately regretted doing so. All I saw was the fear on the Chosen's faces. The bodies of my family, strangers, and gods—bodies I had left in my wake.

I sucked in a short breath, stumbling back a step as I freed my hand from his grasp. "Dametria," I gasped.

Attes frowned. "What?"

Part of me didn't want to ask because if I'd done something to her… "Was she in Dalos ? At Cor Palace or the Sanctuary?"

Understanding flickered across his features. "No, she was not. She has not been harmed."

Thank the gods .

Attes inched closer. "You still haven't closed this wound. It will not heal until you do."

"Really haven't had time." In truth, I had completely forgotten about it.

"You need to close your wound."

I stared at the ragged puncture wounds, feeling Nektas draw closer. There was so much blood on my arm, I had no idea who it actually belonged to.

"I swear to the Fates, Sera, if I have to force your mouth open to do so, I will," Attes growled. "I'm giving you one more chance to do it yourself because Nyktos doesn't need to return to see your wrist torn half-open."

Nyktos .

Ash.

Hearing his name pierced my chest far more painfully than any arrow or dagger tonight. Gods, what would he think of me now? Would he still say that I was kind and loyal? That I thought of others before myself? That I wasn't a monster? And the panic he must've felt while I fought Kolis… A shudder ran through me as I lifted my wrist and sealed the wounds.

"Thank you." Attes thrust his hand through his hair and then dropped it. "Sera, I…" He briefly closed his eyes and then shook his head. " Nyktos will punch me three times more than last time for being in your bedchambers with you," he joked, but the teasing didn't reach his eyes or his tone. He exhaled heavily and then clasped the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, Sera. I'm so fucking sorry about everything."

Everything .

I didn't want to hear that because how could I apologize to all those who'd lost people they cared for today? I stepped away from him, my throat tightening.

"Kolis said none of this would've happened if I had given him Sotoria ."

Attes's features tensed. "Sera—"

"You need to make sure she's safe," I said, my breath thinning. "If he gets to her, then all the deaths will have been for nothing."

Eather streaked across his eyes. "He will not have her."

Nektas pushed open the balcony doors. He crossed the distance, his long hair streaming behind him.

" Meyaah Liessa ."

I flinched at the sound of his gravelly voice. Gods, I didn't want to see him right now. I didn't want to see anyone because I knew I needed to keep it together. Kolis could attack at any moment. I had to be ready while Ash dealt with all those souls—some of which I had sent his way. The next breath I took got stuck.

The draken's gaze swept over me. The blue in his eyes turned luminous. "You've been injured."

A strangled sort of laugh escaped me. He was worried about me? Me?

Nektas stopped in front of me and grabbed my right hand. The flesh there was still pink and raw. He leaned in, sniffing, and growled low in his throat. "You're bleeding."

"What?" Attes demanded. A moment later, I felt his hands running up my back, searching for a wound.

"I'm fine." I pulled myself away from them.

Nektas's eyes narrowed. "No, you're not. You haven't healed completely."

"That doesn't make sense." Worry filled Attes's tone and stare. "Were you wounded by Ancient bone?"

"No. I don't think so." The room felt too small with them here. "It doesn't matter."

"Disagree," Nektas stated.

My hands were trembling as I ran them down my face. "I am the last person either of you needs to worry about right now. Kolis—"

"Fuck Kolis," snarled Nektas , his pupils contracted further into slits. " Attes , summon the Healer."

"No!" I shouted, feeling the tenuous hold I had beginning to slip. "I don't need the Healer. I don't need either of you with me. I just need to be alone right now."

" Attes ." Nektas ignored me. "Go—"

"Do you all know what I did? Why Ash is stuck at the Pillars? It wasn't just Kolis. It was also me! I killed!" I screamed, my control completely snapping. I turned, finding Attes standing behind me. "I killed so many innocent people tonight!"

"Kyn killed more," Attes said. "So did Embris . They did it on Kolis's orders—"

"That doesn't change what I did. I tried to fix it. I tried—" I stiffened, horrific images filling my head. Anger and sorrow pumped through me so intensely that, for a moment, I couldn't breathe. In the distance, I heard another draken let out a series of staggered, anxious calls.

Images of the fire-lit hills and villages flashed before me, replacing those of my family. I saw the guards on Dalos's Rise. The one who'd said he wouldn't fight me. I saw Jove. I saw the Chosen huddled together in fear. The Priestess and all the destruction.

You murdered coldly and without thought or care. You're no better than me.

"What did I do?" I whispered, my body shaking. "What have I become?"

Attes reached for me. "Sera—"

I pushed him away. The Primal stumbled back, and I doubled over, clutching my head. There were screams again, but this time, they were mine. My chest tightened. Nektas was speaking, but I couldn't hear him. There were other voices now. I felt Nektas's arms around my waist. I heard more draken as lightning flashed outside the balcony doors. I couldn't breathe when I saw Jove. My entire body shook as I saw the limp babe in the Priestess's arms. Ezra and Marisol. My mother. The ruined homes, broken streets, and leveled villages. The nameless, faceless lives I'd exchanged for those I'd brought back.

I was losing control again.

Breaking.

Pressure descended on my chest, and wind battered the walls, blowing open the balcony doors. I suddenly remembered what Veses had said when she came here. She'd warned me. She'd fucking warned me. Lights all along the wall flickered, and the bulbs burst. The bed rattled. I couldn't calm myself. Couldn't hold myself together like I knew I should. I couldn't be stronger. Better. I didn't even try.

I screamed.

I screamed until a hum filled every part of my being. My skin began to vibrate. Fire erupted along my flesh. Clothing tore . The sheath on my thigh snapped. My bones cracked and then fused back together as I shifted.

The nota took over.

The draken held me in his arms as I struggled, snapping and clawing at him. He didn't let go, not even when I brought him to his knees. He held on, my claws scraping against the shadowstone , chipping the floor. I needed to be free. To run. To not think or feel.

"I'm not letting you go," the draken grunted. I tried to throw my weight against him. "I'm sorry, Sera. I know you think that's what you need right now, but it's not safe."

I growled, hissing and straining against him. I hurt. Outside. Inside. It was too much.

"Should I summon Kye?" a softer voice asked. "He could give her a sedative."

"Is she still bleeding?" a deeper voice asked, carrying Primal power. My head snapped in his direction. I bared my fangs at the scarred Primal. His brows shot up.

"Either she is, or I am," the draken said. "Actually, both of us are."

"Then we don't want to sedate her until we find out why she hasn't healed completely." The Primal watched me warily. "Plus, I'm half-afraid she'll try to eat the Healer."

"I think you need to be more worried about her eating you ," another voice came. I twisted my head to the far right, snarling at the auburn-haired god. "Please, do not let her go."

"Trying not to." The draken managed to work an arm under my chin, clamping my head against his chest. "I think it's best if you leave."

The clicking in the back of my throat grew into a roar.

"You sure about that?" the Primal asked.

"I have her under control," the draken shouted, and I could smell the others' doubt as I hissed at the Primal, feeling my fur rise. "Or she'll tire herself out first. Either way, get the fuck out of here."

The Primal nodded, taking the dark-skinned goddess's arm. "We won't be far."

The draken cursed again. "And do not let Aios in here."

I started to dig my back paws into the floor as the draken rolled his weight, pushing me down onto my belly. I didn't like that. Neither…neither part of me did.

"Sera, listen to me," the draken said, his head pressed against the back of my neck. "You need to get control of your nota . I'm not going to hurt you. You know that."

I whined, trying to shake him off, but he didn't budge an inch.

"Stop." His arms tightened. "Stop and listen to me. I know you're hurting. I know you're in pain, and I know that's not just the physical."

I panted, trying to get my legs under me. I managed to lift myself about an inch.

"Fucking Fates, Sera," the draken groaned. "At any other time, I'd find your strength impressive."

The draken moved then, nearly lying completely on me. I grunted, going flat once more.

"Let's try this again," he said, shifting his head. A curtain of black and red hair fell over my face, tickling my whiskers. I opened my mouth. "You know—"

"Do not grab my hair, Sera. That would be rude," he snapped.

I grabbed a mouthful of his hair and jerked. The draken swore, and for a moment, I thought I had him and twisted my head, preparing to shake him.

"You need to control your nota , Sera," he growled. "If not for me, then for Ash."

My muscles tensed as my jaw tightened around the thick strands of hair.

"He can feel all of this," the draken said, his voice filling with gravel. "He's been feeling everything you have, and he can't come to you."

Ash .

The name echoed in my head, followed by images of silvery eyes that warmed whenever he was with me. Ash . He was mine. My world. My King. My heart.

"You know what it's doing to him." The draken's voice had lowered but thickened. "It's eating him up. Cutting into him. I don't want that happening to him."

A loud whimper left me.

"I don't want this happening to you." His ragged breath stirred the fur of my neck. "Please, Sera. I'm here for you. Just like I promised. Remember? When we came back from the Pools? We don't have to talk. You don't even have to shift back if that's not what you want, but I'm here for you. Remember?"

I…I remembered.

I wasn't sure what got through to me. The reminder that Ash was feeling everything I was? Or the reminder of the promise Nektas had made on the road back to the palace from the Pools of Divanash . Whatever it was, I stopped fighting. I went limp, breathing heavily, the last of the fight-or-flight adrenaline leaving me.

"Can you do me a favor?" Nektas said after a moment. "And let go of my hair?"

Feeling guilt gather in the back of my throat, I spat out the mouthful of hair.

"Thank you." He lifted his head, and after a moment, shifted his weight off me, but he didn't let go. Several moments passed. "Sera?"

I made a chuffing sound as I stared forward. Through the open balcony doors, I saw that deep blue had begun to penetrate the night sky.

"There you are."

I didn't respond to that, just lay there, exhausted, my heart pounding. We remained that way until dawn broke. Eventually, Nektas sat up. With his back against the foot of the bed, he pulled my head into his lap. I didn't look at him as I stared outside.

He ran his hand between my ears and continued stroking my fur, the ridges on his palm soothing. By the time he spoke, the sun had risen.

"You should eat something," he said softly.

I wasn't hungry.

Nektas seemed to sense the meaning behind my lack of response. "Okay. We'll try again later."

He stayed with me, continuing to run his fingers through my fur. My eyes closed when the sunlight began creeping over the shadowstone . I didn't sleep. Instead, I played every decision I'd made since rising as a Primal over in my mind. Every choice that'd led me to this moment. Where had things gone so terribly wrong? Because I had played a role in what'd happened. I hadn't listened to my instincts when it came to Kolis. I'd been too determined to be different. To be more like…like how I thought a Queen should be. How I thought Eythos would handle himself, even though I knew that, in the end, that had sealed his fate. Since I'd awakened, I'd tried to have…less knee-jerk reactions. I'd tried to be less impulsive. Less reckless. Less absurd. Less like who I was.

Less like a monster.

Less like…less like Kolis.

But as the day wore on, I…I accepted what I had always known. What even Nektas had known when he said the monstrous side of me could one day save me.

The truth was, I was like Kolis.

Maybe it was the embers I'd been born with. How I'd been raised. Maybe it was the training and the grooming. Maybe it was all the choices I'd made in my life that allowed me to act with cold violence on one hand and heal with the next. Or maybe it was because I'd been touched by life and death at birth. Perhaps that ensured I wouldn't end up like Eythos . Too forgiving. Too hopeful. Too loyal. Because those things were just as bad as being too harsh and too unforgiving. Both blinded you in different ways.

The why didn't matter.

Because, all along, I'd fought my instincts instead of learning when to listen to them and when to heed the counsel of others. I hadn't truly had faith in myself.

And Ezra had paid that price. So did Marisol. My mother. Those Kyn and Embris had killed on Kolis's orders.

And those I slaughtered when I tipped over that line between justice and vengeance—when I let myself be consumed by rage and sorrow that had built inside me for days, weeks, months, and years.

What happened wasn't just the end result of Kolis's actions. Or me trying to be better. What had Holland said? Maybe if you hadn't held in all your pain, you wouldn't have given in to it now. He'd never trained me to be a cold killer. He'd trained me to always be compassionate, even in death. I owed a part of what I'd done to all that anger—the fury, panic, and desperation I'd bottled up inside me.

This…this was as much Kolis's fault as it was mine.

How would I live with that? I didn't know.

At some point, I heard a quiet knock on the door. It was Rhain. He told us things were still quiet, before sharing that the Primal goddess Maia had entered the mortal realm to check on the state of things . That surprised me. It also bothered me. I should be there. The…how did Rhain put it? The event had subsided. He'd asked if I would eat. If he should try to bring the Healer in now. My body hurt, but I'd stopped bleeding, and there was no reason to send for the Healer, especially since I was still in my nota state. Aios came by. She sat with Nektas , petting my side. Like him, she didn't talk. She didn't leave until night fell and Rhain returned. I smelled food.

"Any word from the Pillars?" Nektas asked, keeping his voice low, even though I doubted he believed I was asleep.

"No," Rhain answered. "I've never known it to take this long, but he shouldn't be much longer."

Nektas didn't respond. We both knew why it had never taken this long. A Primal had never been killed in the mortal realm before. The death toll was…high.

It was Attes who delivered both relief and heartbreak.

He knelt beside Nektas and me, gently touching my jaw. "I went to Wayfair," he said, fingers sinking into my fur. "I didn't know which ones were your family, but I made sure all who were on the grounds were given burial rites."

I nosed his hand, unable to even huff my gratitude. The pain and relief were too great. I slipped further into my nota , returning to the last time I'd seen them. How they'd looked. Ezra's questions. Marisol's smiles. My last conversation with my mother. The fragile hope that we could maybe repair our relationship. I stayed there with the future that should've been.

Nektas tried to get me to eat several times. I wasn't hungry. He let it go, and silence reigned until the doors opened again. This time, it was small footsteps that neared us but then stopped.

"It's okay," Nektas said. "You can come closer. It will do some good."

There was one set of footsteps, then another, much lighter pair.

"Sera?" Reaver called in a small voice. I lifted a paw. He took it and sat beside me. "Is…is she okay?"

Tiny hands landed near Nektas's palm, fisting my fur. The smell of peaches and sugar reached me. "Sad," Jadis whispered.

"Yes, she is sad," Nektas answered.

I felt Jadis move closer and then her lips against the bridge of my nose. "There. Better."

"I don't think that works," Reaver said solemnly.

"Uh-huh," Jadis cried.

"She'll be better," Nektas assured them, somehow quieting them both with three words. "She will."

Reaver lay beside me, still holding my paw. Jadis managed to get herself between him and me, curling into a little ball against my stomach. Their warmth calmed the unending rush of thoughts, allowing me to slip into quiet numbness.

Nektas stayed where he was. I didn't know how he did it. He didn't leave once. Not even to take care of personal needs. He stayed, simply stroking my head. No one else entered the chamber. No one tried to talk to me. I didn't know how much time passed before my body and mind simply gave out. I fell asleep. I didn't dream. There was just…nothing.

Until cool fingers threaded through my fur and the scent of citrus and fresh air reached me. " Liessa ," Ash called softly. "Come back to me."