CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Sourness lingered in the back of my mouth as I stood in the dimly lit library.

There had been no almost vomiting this time. The late lunch/half-supper I'd eaten hadn't stayed in me for long.

The only blessing was that Ash hadn't been present for it, and it had happened so quickly there hadn't been time for me to feel any sort of anxiety over it. He'd been with Rhain…or maybe Saion and Rhahar . Either way, Ash was now just beyond Lethe, where the army trained. At least, that was what Rhahar had said Ash was doing when I left the bedchamber.

He'd been gone when I woke.

Waking up without him by my side reminded me of how it had been when I'd first slept in his bedchamber. He was never there in the mornings.

My throat thickened as I stared up at the portraits of Ash's parents. I'd slept late. Well into the afternoon—no dreams, no nightmares.

I was positive the vomiting had everything to do with last night. Okay. Mostly everything. I was also nervous about the prospect of randomly shifting again. At this point, anything was possible.

I transferred my weight from one foot to the other, wincing at the dull ache in my thighs and stomach. My muscles were definitely sore from either the change or all the running.

Hurling noodles and rice everywhere probably also had something to do with the twinge in my side.

My gaze drifted over Eythos's familiar features. Gods, I still couldn't believe Ash had been the one to paint these.

I wasn't even sure why I'd come here. The library was a dark, cavernous place where sadness seemed to cling like dust to the tomes lining the shelves, the portraits, and the furniture. My attention shifted to Mycella .

She was beautiful, and there was little doubt the kindness in her eyes and the curve of her lips had been exactly as Nektas described.

And she had, at one time, harbored feelings for Kolis.

Disgust rolled through me, and I had to remind myself that was before Kolis became who he was today. Even I had seen brief— very brief—moments of who he used to be.

I didn't even know why I was thinking about this.

Actually, that wasn't true. It was because I was doing everything in my power not to think about the fact that Ash knew way more than I realized or wanted to acknowledge. And I didn't know how to deal with that. I didn't even know how to deal with myself, other than wanting to take a wire brush to my skin. And maybe my brain.

It hasn't changed how I feel about you.

I believed him. I know he loves me. How could I not? He had been willing to set the realms on fire to save me.

But how couldn't it change the way he saw me? Because it had changed the way I saw myself.

I'd thought I had been prepared to handle Kolis. That I could separate who I was from who I needed to be. After all, I had been groomed to do just that since I was old enough to be sent to the Mistresses of the Jade. To lie. Manipulate. Seduce. I should have been able to handle everything that happened and then some.

It wasn't like I'd actually enjoyed learning the art of seduction before I was even of appropriate age to be married, for crying out loud. It had been awkward and embarrassing to go from not even speaking about sex to discussing it in great, graphic detail with strangers, and then learning how to do it. It had been confusing and even scary at times.

My gaze lowered to the flickering flames above the candles set out under the portraits. Even now, my cheeks burned thinking about it. One didn't learn how to seduce with simple words. You were shown. You practiced , acting out what you were taught. And, well, the body didn't always agree with the mind. What I had felt when the courtesan showed me how to pleasure another while pleasing myself, and then later, when I pretended , had been a confusing-as-fuck mix of emotions. It had felt good, and it had also felt wrong. I had been curious, and I had also dreaded the sessions and the look on Holland's face when he knew I'd begun that portion of my training. All in all, it wasn't a great experience. I had gotten over it.

But I really hadn't gotten over that either, had I?

Pressing my lips together, I reached down and brushed my fingers over the hilt of the bone dagger. The feeling of it on my thigh was calming and helped me refocus my thoughts. My training didn't matter. What did was that, despite all of it, it seemed I couldn't deal.

It didn't make sense. Sure, Kolis had bitten me twice—almost three times. The first time had been mind-numbingly painful. The second time… He hadn't made it hurt. He had ejaculated, but whatever pleasure the bite had forced upon me had been brief. He'd slept beside me. He'd held me. He'd looked at me, seeing far more than I ever wanted, and he'd touched me. But it wasn't like I'd been raped. Nor was I like Veses , who had to pretend that she enjoyed being degraded. Kolis had known I didn't like what he was doing. I hadn't experienced what Ash had, repeatedly having to allow Veses to feed off him, either. And given what little I knew of Veses , she'd likely made it hurt as many times as she'd made it feel good. Then, there was everything Ash had experienced due to Kolis. I hadn't spent decades under the threat of the gods only knew what.

But I had spent years with the threat of Tavius lingering in the shadows of every corridor and his cruelty that bordered on sadism. I'd had to deal with the leering, too-long looks that started when I was far too young to be on the receiving end of any sort of attention like that. It hadn't been until the end that he'd gotten bold—and idiotic—enough to attempt to touch me. My last day in Lasania —the last day of his life—he would've tried more if he hadn't spent the night celebrating his father's untimely passing.

At the end of the day, though, none of that should affect me like it was because it was…

I closed my eyes, still able to hear Ash shout, " Stop saying that nothing happened! " He had been wrong, though. In comparison, what I had experienced was nothing.

But as I stood there, I wondered what I would say to someone else if they'd experienced what I had. Would I tell them it was nothing? Would I even think that?

But I should be different.

I had to be.

Because I couldn't let this be my ruination, and that was exactly what it felt like.

Awareness throbbed through me, drawing me from my thoughts. I tilted my head and listened. I didn't hear any footsteps, but even though Ash was shockingly quiet for someone his size, I knew it wasn't him.

Tiny hairs rose on the back of my neck as I turned. A shock of surprise ran through me as I saw the God of Dreams, dressed in black, standing in the doorway.

Dark hair shielded his face as he bowed. "I did not mean to startle you, meyaah Liessa ."

"It's all right." I watched the oneirou straighten. Despite him staying at the palace, this was the first time I'd seen him since Kyn was here, and I kept forgetting that he was here.

"A library," he remarked curiously. Those startling eyes that bordered on amethyst swept over the chamber before returning to me. "May I?"

I nodded, reminding myself of what Ash had warned me before I even got the urge to read the god.

"Thank you." Thierran entered, once more eyeing the tomes lining the shelves.

After an awkward moment of silence, I found my manners. "I hope your stay at the palace has been pleasant."

"It has been, for the most part."

Hearing his response, I was a little taken aback. "For the most part?"

"I have not slept well here."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said.

"Apology accepted."

I managed to stop the laugh before it escaped. I didn't know if I should be insulted or amused.

"The doors to this space have always been closed," Thierran spoke. "So, I wondered if it was another sitting chamber or something more exciting."

"I imagine discovering that it is only a library is disappointing."

His laugh was soft—airy, even—as he walked along the rows of books. "Quite the opposite, meyaah Liessa . I've always found libraries enjoyable."

"Then you must prefer the peace of one," I guessed, noting the sheathed daggers on each of his forearms.

"Typically." He stopped halfway, dark brows furrowing. "Though I'm not sure I would find this one all that peaceful. There's a…sadness to it."

Once again, a wave of surprise rippled through me. "There is."

"My awareness of such has caught you off guard."

"It has." I quickly racked my brain for what knowledge it contained on the oneirou as he began walking again.

"All oneirou — what is left of us, that is—are sensitive to…impressions left behind. Emotions leave an imprint," he shared, his attention shifting to the candlelit portraits. "Especially extreme ones."

My gaze followed his to the painting of Mycella . Ash's mother and Aios were cousins, so either her aunt or uncle was from Kithreia . I knew Mycella wasn't from there, though.

" Mycella was from Lotho ," I said.

Thierran nodded.

"Many who live near Mount Lotho are gifted with unique talents. Walking in dreams. Prophesizing." He glanced over his shoulder. "Sensing emotion."

"And manipulating it?"

"That, too." He turned back to the paintings. " Mycella's father was an oneirou , one of the oldest. From what I knew of her, she could not enter other's dreams, but she could read emotions and control them if she so wished." He paused. "She passed down half of those abilities to her son."

"She did."

"The oneirou blood is strong, though. Known to skip a generation, only to reappear again," he said. "If you and Nyktos were to have a child, it's quite possible they would have the same abilities as Nyktos , or even those of his mother's father."

My heart skipped a beat as his words tugged at a memory. Something I should have remembered—

"But that's neither here nor there." Thierran faced me. "When we first met, you tried to read me."

Tension crept into my neck. "I did."

One side of his lips turned up, pulling the scar on his left cheek taut. "You failed."

"Correct." My shoulders squared. "I didn't try it on purpose. It sort of just happened. However, I didn't exactly attempt to stop myself from doing it either."

He stared at me for what felt like an entire minute. "Your honesty is refreshing. Besides your husband, who is still very young…" It was odd hearing him say that, considering he looked the same age as Ash. "Most Primals tend to be untruthful, even when it is not necessary. Which is amusing since the Ancients could not lie." His head cocked. "Did Nyktos tell you how I was scarred ?"

"He did not." The swift change of subject left me a little unsettled. His unflinching stare was far more unnerving, though. "But I figured Kolis was responsible."

"He was."

I waited for him to continue. He didn't. "Are you going to share why?"

"No."

"All right, then." I was too tired and stressed to play polite Queen and hostess. "You're more than welcome to linger here for as long as you'd like, but please close the doors when you leave." I started to turn.

"I was actually looking for you."

I stopped. "For what? To complain about your lack of sleep?"

His chuckle was low and velvety. "I was."

My already non-existent patience thinned. "I'm not sure what you expect me to do about that."

"Deal with whatever troubles you."

I drew back. "Excuse me?"

"Whatever plagues you upon waking follows you into your sleep and calls to me," he stated, and I felt the blood drain from my face. "I can usually ignore it, but I was unprepared for the…intensity of such emotion. I need to stay awake to resist." A strand of midnight hair slid against his cut jaw. "You see, when someone dreams vividly, it's a siren's call to an oneirou . It prods at our most basic instincts to feed. Not on blood, but on emotion."

My stomach turned over, and my body flashed cold and then hot as eather stirred.

"The first night here, I was pulled into your dream."

I inhaled sharply. "You did what?"

"Like you, it wasn't intentional. It's not easy for us to resist the call when we are asleep," he continued. "I did not feed, nor did I linger."

I didn't even care about the feeding part because, dear gods, what had he seen? The golden bars flashed in my mind. "Am I supposed to thank you for that?"

"No. I'm just letting you know before you blast me into Arcadia." He smiled. "Which you appear to be about to do."

It was then that I realized I'd taken a step toward him, and my skin was likely starting to do that glowing thing it did. "I'm not going to blast you into Arcadia," I said, forcing my hands to unclench. "Through the wall, though? That's still up in the air."

His smile spread then, revealing a hint of fang, but it quickly disappeared, taking with it the ever-present glint of devilment in his eyes. "I did not tell you this to upset or offend you. That is the very last thing I want to do." Dark, thick lashes swept down. "What troubles you while awake will not give you peace in sleep, meyaah Liessa ."

It wasn't like I didn't already know that. "And I'm guessing your reasoning for telling me this is because you would like some restful sleep?"

"That's not the sole reason, but yes, some restful sleep would be welcomed. I'm not a purely altruistic being." His lashes lifted, and there it was again, that twinkle in his eyes. But once more, it disappeared. "When someone, especially a Primal, cannot find peace while awake or asleep, it shows itself in their actions, decisions, and temperament, as the realms already know."

Eather throbbed as my eyes locked onto him. I didn't try to read him, but I knew . "That is how you got those scars."

Thierran said nothing.

"You were in Kolis's dreams, and he found out," I said. "I can only imagine what you saw."

"You likely know what he dreams about."

" Sotoria ?"

Thierran nodded. "He dreams about finding her and then losing her. Over and over."

A savage sense of satisfaction filled me. "Good."

"I agree. The only downside was that he believed I was responsible for such."

"Were you?"

Thierran's chin dipped, and that glimmer returned to his eyes. "Not then."

An idea occurred to me. "Exactly how much damage can you do with another's emotions?"

"For example? I could take all the hate one feels for another and turn it back on them. Let it consume them," he said. "But if I can get my hands on someone, I can do much more."

"Like what?"

"I can put someone into a waking nightmare."

"Even a Primal—an old and powerful one?" I asked. Ash had said as much, but I wanted to hear Thierran say it.

"Even one of them." He glanced at me. "What are you thinking?"

"Would you like to get into Kolis's head?"

Thierran smiled. "I would love nothing more."

"Good," I murmured, filing that piece of information away as awareness suddenly coursed through me. My gaze flew toward the doors as I felt Ash draw near. It wasn't the same as being alerted by another Primal's presence. I was once again amazed by how some innate part of me recognized that he was closer.

A mixture of anticipation and nervousness swelled inside me, and I wanted to run toward the doors at the same time I wanted to hide. What I did was stand there, hands clasped. I saw the moment Thierran felt him. The oneirou stepped back, and his gaze went to the doors.

The stagnant air of the library shifted ahead of Ash, coming alive in the seconds before he appeared in the doorway.

My breath caught at the sight of him. I was immediately reminded of the night of my coronation. The curve of his hard jaw was the same. The lines of his features just as striking. His hair was free, brushing his dark gray tunic. Silver scrollwork lined the collar and cut diagonally across his broad chest. Leather pants the same hue as the tunic molded to his body. The cuff on his upper arm glinted despite the dim lighting.

Ash nodded in Thierran's direction. "I would like to speak with my wife," he said, and my heart did a hundred different silly things, including plummeting to my toes when he added, "Alone."

Thierran skedaddled right out of the library without another word. He clearly sensed the tension, which meant there was definitely tension.

My legs felt numb as the doors swung shut behind Thierran , closing quietly.

"I'm surprised to find you in here," he said, his attention fastened on the portraits. "With Thierran ."

"You and me both." I smoothed my hands over my hips. "He was walking by and saw me in here. Apparently, he was curious about what this chamber was."

Ash stopped beside me, his hands clasped behind his back. "I can only imagine what kind of conversation took place."

I really hoped he couldn't, at least when it came to what Thierran said before Ash arrived. "We actually talked about your mother. I didn't know she was oneirou ."

"Half oneirou ," he corrected.

"It surprised me initially, but it makes sense—your abilities and all." I looked up at her painting. "He said your mother wasn't someone to mess with."

"She could affect other's emotions," he confirmed. "Though my father said it was rare that she did so. She felt the same way about it as you do with compulsion." He was quiet for a moment. "What drew you to the library? This space is usually empty."

Everyone seemed to avoid this room, likely due to the sadness Thierran had spoken of. Except for today. "It's quiet."

"That it is."

I stared up at his unreadable profile. There wasn't any coldness to his voice, but his tone was nearly the same as it had been after I found Veses feeding on him and demanded to be set free once Kolis was taken care of. He sounded…closed off. Like a wall had been erected.

My stomach hollowed, and I quickly looked away from him. Or was it my imagination? My fears that, despite what he'd said to me in the early morning hours, he wouldn't look at me the same. My gaze inched back to him. But that didn't make sense. Ash had known. He'd always known. And I'd just been over here pretending he didn't.

But I hadn't seen him all afternoon or evening, and that wasn't like him. Not anymore. And I…

I wanted to ask if he was upset, but the words wouldn't come to my tongue. I just wanted him to look at me.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"A little sore. I mean, my muscles," I quickly amended, the back of my throat burning. "From all the running." I took a shallow breath as my gaze dropped to my hands. "I don't think I've ever run that much in my life. And I hate running."

"Your nota appears to love doing so," he remarked.

I nodded, staring at the golden swirl on the top of my hand. "Will it always be like that? Running for hours?"

"Likely not. The first time is always intense and driven by animal instinct."

"I didn't realize running aimlessly was a part of a cave cat's instinct." I ran a finger over the swirl. "Would've thought hunting would be the first item on the list."

"I suppose we should be glad it wasn't."

My lips quirked at that. "Yeah. That could've been a problem."

There was a beat of silence. "I didn't think you'd be able to shift so soon," he said. "Either way, I wish your first time in your nota form was different. I wanted it to be a good experience for you."

"It was." I looked up. Silvery eyes locked with mine, and my heart started pounding. "I mean, it wasn't bad. It was kind of freeing. Even the running. I wasn't thinking…"

Wisps of eather appeared in his eyes. "About?"

"Anything. My mind was quiet," I admitted. "It's never quiet." I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I saw Bele and Aios a little bit ago. I'm surprised they didn't know I shifted last night. I would've thought the guards would have said something."

"The guards saw nothing out of the ordinary last night."

"Uh…"

"That is if they wish to keep their eyes and tongues," he added.

My mouth dropped open. "You threatened them to keep silent."

"I would never," he murmured.

"Ash," I said, my brows lifting. "There really wasn't any reason to do that. What bad things could they have said about seeing me in my nota form?"

"Nothing," he said. "But if they talked, and those they told talked, you would hear about it. I know we haven't had much time with each other, but I know how your mind works." He paused. "Mostly. But in this case, you would've worried that others were speaking about what they saw last night. You would begin thinking they somehow knew what caused it."

"That's not…" My lips pursed. "Okay. You're completely right."

Ash smirked, looking back at the paintings.

"Thank you."

"Not necessary." He tipped up his chin.

But it was.

It was sweet and thoughtful of him to ensure that no one spoke about my wild run through the courtyard and beyond. I probably shouldn't think him threatening others was sweet, but he was protecting me, even if just from words and speculation.

And gods, that made me feel like I wasn't worthy of him—not in a self-deprecating way, but in how it made me want to be better in every way.

And I knew how to start.

I'd always known.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up at him. I needed to talk to him. Ash watched me, the glow of eather vivid behind his pupils.

His mouth opened, but awareness throbbed through me, and a few seconds later, I saw that he felt it. "A Primal has arrived." He glanced at the door. "Do you know who it is?"

Clearing my mind took a few moments, but as I focused on the fading throb of awareness, the hazy image of the Primal of Accord and War formed in my mind. " Attes ."

"Correct."

"Huh," I murmured. "So, that's how you know who it is before seeing them. That's shockingly easy."

"It is if you give yourself time to pay attention," he remarked.

I snorted. Meaning it would require a conscious effort from me.

"I'll see to him," Ash said, then hesitated. His gaze flickered over my face. "I'll find you afterward."

A hundred different things rose to the tip of my tongue. It was all of that being-better stuff, but Ash dipped his head and pressed a kiss to my cheek.

Then, he was gone.