CHAPTER FORTY

Ash went to meet with Attes , who likely wanted to update him on what he'd found in the Undying Hills, but I didn't leave the library. However, I wasn't alone for long. This time, I heard the footsteps nearing the chamber.

"Sera?" Bele's voice floated in from the hall.

I turned, seeing both her and Aios in the doorway. "Hey."

"What are you doing in here?" Bele asked, drifting into the library.

I shrugged. "I was looking for something to read."

The Primal's eyes narrowed on me. "You…are so boring now."

"Bele." Aios sighed, smoothing a hand over her peach tunic. She brushed past Bele, her eyes filling with concern. "Are you feeling unwell?"

"I'm so glad you asked that." Bele crossed her arms. "I was wondering the same, but figured I'd get yelled at for saying you look like you haven't slept in a week."

My stomach twisted sharply. Had they heard about my wild, late-night run? Other than Rhahar , I hadn't seen anyone else. They must have. Guards had seen me, and who wouldn't talk about a large silver cave cat sprinting across the courtyard? "I shifted into my nota late last night and ended up running around for…" I trailed off, noticing both goddesses were gaping at me. "So, you didn't hear about that?"

"No." Bele drew out the word.

"I thought maybe you hadn't gotten much sleep because of the attack," Aios stated.

Gods, I wanted to smack myself. Somehow, that had completely slipped my mind. Still, I was surprised they hadn't heard.

"What is your nota ?" Bele demanded.

"A cave cat." My head cocked. "Yours?"

"An owl. Just like Hanan." Her eyes rolled. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"

Aios placed a hand on Bele's side. "Be a beautiful, wise huntress."

"Owls are creepy," I said.

"No, they're not," Aios insisted, shooting me what could only be described as a look of desperation. "They are wonderful creatures."

"I don't know about that," I went on. "How they turn their heads is weird."

Bele looked like she wanted to do more than give me the middle finger.

"Thanks," Aios grumbled.

I fought a smile. "What are you two up to?"

"I'm taking Aios to Sirta. That's where we were headed when I saw you standing in here, being all weird." Bele took Aios's hand and started backing up. "I would ask you to join us, but I'm mad at you, so I'm not."

Worry rose as I glanced between the two. "Is it safe for her to be there?"

Bele stopped, her dark brows rising. "I wouldn't take her there if it wasn't."

I winced, realizing how that had likely come across. Guilt prodded at me. "I'm sorry. I know that. I'm just…a worrier."

"It's okay," Aios was quick to say. "We appreciate the fact that you worry." She looked up at Bele. "Don't we?"

"Yeah."

That didn't sound convincing at all. "Wait. Why are you walking past the library if you're taking her to Sirta? Wouldn't you just shadowstep to your Court?"

"I don't like shadowstepping between Courts when I'm inside a building," Bele answered. "It's weird."

My brow furrowed. "Why is that weird?"

"I feel like I'm going to accidentally step through or into a wall." Bele shuddered. "And get stuck in it."

I stared at her. "That is…actually the weirdest thing."

"I say this with the deepest respect possible," Bele replied. "Fuck you, meyaah Liessa ."

"All right." Aios tugged on Bele's hand. "Let's go before you end up getting thrown through a wall."

Bele blew me a kiss, and I smiled as Aios dragged her toward the doors. I started to turn back to the portraits when I heard Aios say, "Can you give us a moment?"

Thinking she was talking to me, I turned, only to realize she was speaking to Bele.

"A moment where I can't be involved?" Bele asked.

"Yep."

"Why—?" Aios cut Bele off with a kiss.

"Please?"

"How can I say no after you kiss me?" Bele grumbled. "That's an unfair tactic." She stepped back, looking over Aios's head toward me for a moment. "I'll be outside."

"Thank you, love."

I looked away and saw an all-too-familiar heated look fill Bele's stare. Several moments passed before I heard the library doors close.

"What's up?" I said, looking over my shoulder.

Aios's face flushed prettily. She came forward, and her chest rose with a deep breath. "Was Nyktos surprised you shifted already?"

Not expecting that question, I faced her. "Yeah, I guess so. Why?"

"It's just that I've never heard of any Primal shifting as soon as you did. Bele just did it recently, only once, and even her shifting so soon was a surprise."

"The embers were already mature when placed inside me," I said with a halfhearted shrug.

Aios nodded, clasping her hands. "With Bele, she shifted because she was upset. We were talking about everything that happened when Kyn attacked." Her gaze moved from me to the portraits. "It was the first time Bele actually brought it up and talked about how she felt when she heard that I had…that I died." She sent me a quick smile. "She's not big on opening up—like someone else I know."

A faint smile reached my lips. "I guess Bele and I have more in common than we thought."

"Yes." She was quiet for a moment. "You know, when you were taken, I knew Nyktos would find a way to save you."

I raised my brows. "You did?"

"I wasn't awake yet when Nyktos left the Shadowlands to bring you back, but I heard how he couldn't be talked out of it. Not even Nektas could convince him to wait until the Shadowland's forces could join him," she said, causing my chest to squeeze. "None of that surprised me, though. His reaction—his need to get to you as soon as he could—that is. I've seen the way he's looked at you—from the moment he brought you here. Even when he was angry. I saw how he looked at you the night of your coronation, and I knew what that look of want that goes bone-deep meant."

"You did?" I whispered.

"He looked at you in the same manner I used to catch Bele watching me during one of our off periods. It was how I knew I looked at her." Her smile was sweet. "His love for you was so clear, etched into every inch of his flesh."

My breath caught.

"And I saw it on your face. I saw it long before then," she continued, sending a dose of surprise through me. "I heard it in your voice the night of your coronation when you asked if I'd ever been in love—what it felt like."

I remembered exactly what she had told me. "You said it feels like being home, even in an unfamiliar place."

"Was I not correct?"

"You were." My eyes searched hers. "You spoke then in the past tense—"

"Remember when I said yes and no as my answer to whether my relationship with Bele was new?" she said. "We've only recently rekindled."

I started to speak but stopped myself.

"What?" Aios prodded.

"I was going to be nosy."

"Please, do so."

I didn't need to be given permission twice. "What happened that you spent the last two decades apart when it sounds to me like you were both still in love with each other?"

"It's hard to say." Aios sighed. "Bele can be…"

"Difficult?" I suggested.

She laughed. "I was going to say she can be so strong that it's hard not to feel weak in comparison."

"Oh." My lips pursed. "Sorry." I leaned toward her. "You're not weak, Aios ."

"I know that." She paused. "Now. But to answer your question, it wasn't just that." Her shoulders lifted in a shrug. "I don't think either of our heads was in the right place."

"I'm happy to see it appears you're both in the right space now."

"We are." Her smile grew, and she tilted her head. A moment passed. "And you probably think it was Bele who wasn't in the right headspace. It wasn't. It was me."

I quieted, watching her.

Her gaze was fixed forward, but I didn't think she saw anything before her. "It took a long time for me to move past what happened when Kolis held me. And even longer for me to realize that I hadn't yet when I believed I had . Like I was able to move on in certain areas but not others. And…" She shook her head. "Like you—like probably everyone who has ever gone through something like that—I didn't like talking about it. Especially with someone I loved. I didn't want her to…"

"See you differently?" I whispered.

Aios nodded. "I knew she wouldn't." Her gaze briefly met mine. "And you know Nyktos won't. But I also know it's hard to stop those kinds of thoughts."

"It's not that," I said, my voice hoarse. "I mean, it was. And maybe there is still a part of me that fears that. But it's me. I'm the problem." I gave a short laugh. "I don't want to look at myself differently. That's the problem because…" I dragged my hand over my face. "I can't even deal with what happened."

"With what happened while you were in Dalos ?" Aios asked quietly.

I shook my head, throat thickening. My gaze dropped to my hands. Several moments passed as I ran my fingers over the marriage imprint. Maybe even minutes. And I didn't even know why I said what I did next. "He hadn't been with anyone since Sotoria ."

Aios hesitated. Only for a heartbeat. "That doesn't surprise me. As I told you before, he never touched any of us."

"But he liked to…he liked to watch." My fingers curled inward. "Remember, I found the chest of toys ."

"He did." Aios's inhalation—like her exhalation—was long and slow. "Did he make use of them this time?"

"No. Probably because I used one as a weapon." The smile that memory brought was quick. "And I think because he believed I was Sotoria . He wouldn't…disrespect me. At least, that's what he probably thought in that fucking messed-up head of his."

I ran my tongue over the back of my teeth. "He…he did touch me, though. The first time was at the beginning when I tried to escape." My cheeks warmed, and I hated that. The feeling. The thoughts behind it. "He used compulsion to make me behave."

"Was that the only time?"

I shook my head and then quickly looked at her. "He didn't go too far."

Her chin lowered, along with her voice. "He went too far the first moment he laid a finger on you."

"I know." I looked away, my nose and throat stinging. "He didn't rape me. That is not a lie."

"I believe you, and I am relieved to hear that," she said and then fell quiet. She let the silence stretch between us again. Giving me time.

Space.

At some point in that time and space, I told her everything. It was almost like I wasn't there. My lips and tongue moved without conscious effort. I stood without realizing it, and everything just came out of me. And when I was done…

"I thought I would feel better after saying something." A ragged laugh left me as I sat, my spine stiff. "I don't feel better. Fuck, I feel worse because saying all of that out loud makes me feel like I'm back there. I can even smell him. And it also makes me feel like I'm overreacting. That I didn't have it as bad as far too many others did."

"Fates, Sera, you are so wrong about that," Aios said, sitting beside me, though not too close, like she knew I needed a good foot of space around me. Because, of course, she knew. "Yes, some of us experienced worse when he tired of us and tossed us aside, but that does not mean that what you went through is less than. He held you against your will. Put you on display and threatened you. Repeatedly. He manipulated you and abused you. He forced you to do things you didn't want to do. He assaulted you. And if you hadn't freed yourself when you did, he would've taken what he wanted. I know he would have. That is not nothing."

Flinching, I closed my eyes. "I know. I know it's not nothing. I do." I folded an arm over my waist. "I think the hardest thing for me is the lack of complete…control. I had none. And…" I pressed my lips together. "Yeah, that's the part I keep getting hung up on."

"That's understandable, Sera. I felt the same way. We couldn't even choose what we wore or when we ate. But we both have control now."

We did.

"Last night, I had…I don't know. It was like I was suddenly back there. I lost control, and the nota took over." I pressed my lips together. " Nyktos hasn't fed from me since I returned. I've offered, but he says he doesn't need to, and I know that's not why. I freeze up every time, but…" I trailed off, remembering how his lips and flesh had felt earlier. Once again, his skin hadn't been as cold as it normally was when he didn't feed, and I didn't think it was his body replenishing itself. So, how…?

The nape of my neck tingled, and an image of Rhain formed in my mind.

Oh, my gods.

I jumped up, startling Aios . "I'm sorry. I need to go."

Aios rose, concern filling her expression. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just need to talk to Rhain." My heart thumped as I turned to the door but then forced myself to stop. "Thank you for talking to me. I…I know it didn't make me feel better now, but I think it will."

"It will," she said. A moment passed. "I promise."

Rhain looked up from the parchments he held as I all but burst into the chamber a few doors down and across the hall from Ash's.

" Seraphena ." The skin between his brows puckered. "Has something happened?"

"No." I quietly closed the door behind me and crossed the lamplit chamber. My eyes were glued to him, searching for evidence that I hadn't hallucinated what my instinct told me. "I need to ask you something."

"Okay."

I sat on the cream settee across from the one he was seated on. "And I need you to be honest."

His expression immediately smoothed out. "All right." He placed the parchments down on the cushion beside him. "What is this question?"

I eyed him, spotting the sudden tension bracketing the corners of his mouth. "I think you know what I'm about to ask."

Rhain folded a knee over the other. "It would be impossible for me to know what you are thinking or about to ask."

"Not this time." I leaned forward, keeping my voice low because I knew Ash was just down the hall. "And I'm asking you to be honest, not because I am your Queen, but because I am Nyktos's wife."

The lines around his mouth deepened.

"I haven't fed him since I returned from Dalos , but there have been times when it's felt like he's fed. His skin isn't as cold. He told me it was because his body was replenishing itself, but I don't think that's always the case." I watched how Rhain kept his expression blank the moment I started speaking. "Have you been feeding him?"

The truth was instantaneous. It was in the slight twitch of his right eye.

My heart cracked. "You have been."

Rhain paled. "You don't—"

"No, I do know. I do," I stressed, and Rhain fell quiet. "I'm not reading you. But, gods, I…I still know."

His jaw flexed, and his gaze moved to the door. "It hasn't been often."

Another cut sliced across my chest. "Once is too many."

Rhain's head swung back to mine.

"And I'm sorry you had to do that," I said, my heart twisting until my chest hurt.

His mouth dropped open. "You cannot be angry with him."

"Oh, my gods." I stiffened. "I'm not angry with him. Or you. I'm…I'm angry with myself."

Rhain snapped his mouth shut.

"This is…" I rose, thrusting a hand through my hair. "I've offered to feed him, but he…" I dropped my hand to my stomach. "I locked up. And he…he knows why. That is my fault. I am his wife. It should—" My voice cracked. "It should be me feeding him. Taking care of him and providing for him as he does for me."

"No." Rhain scooted forward. "This is not your fault. It's Kolis's."

"Maybe in the beginning." I swallowed, looking at the door. I shook my head. "But…"

"Listen to me." Rhain rose and stepped in front of me. "Whatever hang-ups you have with that? Not your fault."

"I—"

"Shut up and listen to me."

I snapped my mouth closed, my eyes widening.

"And I mean that with all due respect," he tacked on, cheeks flushing pink. "Do you know how Kolis made Nyktos feed until he killed?"

Just hearing that sent a wild whip of anger through me. "Yes."

"And do you know that, afterward, Nyktos would refuse to feed? For months. He almost made it half a year before he got so sick, so weak, that he was maybe one breath away from stasis. It got so bad, especially after Veses started paying him visits that we feared he would slip into stasis, and we wouldn't be able to wake him. Or that he would be driven mad by bloodlust."

The air left my body. I knew it had gotten bad, but not that bad.

Rhain's eyes were an intense gold. "And I'm sure you remember how close he came to the latter the night the gods attacked you in the throne room."

I nodded.

"He only started feeding normally again after you came into his life, and he had a hard time even then, which I'm sure you also know."

I did.

"But if he has to feed from anyone else? Like while you were in stasis? He struggles to make himself do it. His hang-up when it came to feeding was due to what Kolis did to him—forced him to do," he said. "Do you think that is his fault?"

"No," I exclaimed. "Gods, no."

His brows rose. "Then why the fuck do you think this is your fault?"

"I…" I closed my mouth. "Gods."

"What?"

"You're right." I sighed and plopped back down on the settee.

He frowned. "You don't need to sound so disappointed."

I laughed hoarsely. "I'm not. It's just…when it's my fault, I can fix it, you know? I have control over it. At least, that is what I tell myself."

Rhain studied me for a few seconds and then returned to the settee across from me. "I've never seen Nyktos behave like he does around you." A faint smile appeared. "He still doesn't like to be touched by others. Nektas once said he was like that even as a child, but he is different with you. He always was. And it is more than that. Seeing him openly affectionate with anyone? I didn't think I'd ever see that, and I know I wasn't the only one."

I thought about all the times Rhain had looked stunned by Ash's displays of affection. His reactions always stood out to me.

"He loved you before he realized he could. And him coming to me to feed him—something he struggles with even now—is something he does because of his love for you."

"I know," I whispered, feeling tears crowd my eyes. I tried to push them down because I didn't want Ash to sense my emotions and worry.

"That is how he is changing what was done to him. It wasn't his fault, but he's fixing it," Rhain stated. "And even though this isn't your fault, you can still fix it. Fates, Sera, you even know how."

Gods, did I ever know how.

And it was well past time I did it.

Because we were supposed to be a team. Partners. We stood by each other's side. We would change the realms.

But not if I continued this way. Not if I didn't start trusting myself. And that was it, wasn't it? The key. It wasn't that I didn't trust Ash. I trusted him with everything—my joy and sorrow, my pleasure and pain. Like I'd said to Aios , it was never about him seeing me differently. It was always about me thinking of myself differently. That was the problem I needed to face. With Ash. And it couldn't wait. Thank the gods I no longer sensed Attes so I could.

Some of the rawness eased. "Thank you." I cleared my throat. "Thank you for providing for my husband and telling me to shut up."

"You're welcome. I think." His head cocked when I rose. "What are you going to do now?"

"Find my husband and talk—" I jerked as a horrifying scream pierced the air, cutting through the atmosphere like a blade. Concern surged through me, and my gaze flew to Rhain's.

He was still looking at me, brows raised, waiting for me to continue. It was like he hadn't…

"Didn't you hear that?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Hear what?" he asked.

"A…a scream." Throat suddenly dry, I tried to swallow.

A look of worry settled onto his face. "What?"

I stared at him in confusion. There was no way he hadn't heard what I did. My skin was still pimpled from the sound. "I heard a scream—a kind I've never heard before."

Rhain rose, the look of worry increasing in his expression. "Sera, I didn't hear anything."

That was impossible unless my hearing had improved that much. But it sounded close, almost as if the person were standing right beside me.

"Sera?" Rhain inquired. He reached out to place a hand on my shoulder, but I stepped back. "What's going on?"

"I…I don't know." Turning, I quickly crossed the chamber and wrenched open the door. "Something—"

Another scream echoed through the palace halls, causing me to stagger back. It wasn't just a scream. There were many. A terrifying chorus of them. Hundreds. Thousands of screams brimming with pure terror and desperation.

My heart hammered in my chest, threatening to break free of its cage. My wild gaze met Rhain's. "You can't hear them?"

"No. I don't hear anything." He said more, but the cacophony of guttural wails and agonized shrieks drowned him out. It was as if every tortured soul in existence had converged in…

Oh, my gods. It was in my head. And the screams were so loud, blending together to form a symphony of brutal terror. My hands flew to my ears in a futile attempt to dampen the sound. The screams felt as if they were tearing through my mind, sending sharp, pulsing pain between my temples and shooting down my spine. I doubled over, my fingernails digging into my scalp.

Rhain reached for me, grasping my arms. My knees went out. I didn't even feel myself hit the shadowstone floor. I rocked forward as Rhain released me, rushing toward the door. His shout was muffled by the screams, each wave more gut-wrenching than the last. It was like the very realms themselves were crying out. There were shrill cries that sounded like nails on a chalkboard and low moans that evoked images of bodies writhing in pain. I slammed my hands against the sides of my head, but they still came. The intensity of the screams seemed to amplify, the sheer volume of suffering they conveyed becoming nearly unbearable as hundreds of them—thousands—wailed, pleading between gasps punctuated by sobs as they fell. And I felt them. I saw them. A mother's cry when her child was torn from her arms. A guard's anguished shout as an unseen enemy struck him down. A lover's desperate sob as they clung to the lifeless body of their beloved. The sheer breadth of the pain was staggering until the screams were abruptly silenced. They all fell, one after another…

Eather throbbed in my chest, so intense that it stole my breath. The essence kept pulsing—as if I sensed death.

A warm hand cupped the back of my neck, startling me. I looked up to see Nektas crouched before me, fainter screams still causing me to flinch.

" Meyaah Liessa ." His rough, gravelly voice caused me to wince.

"Where is Nyktos ?" Rhain demanded.

"He was summoned to the Pillars of Asphodel," Rhahar said, his fisted hand at his chest.

His cousin stood beside him. "The souls can wait—"

"You don't understand," Rhahar interrupted. Nektas helped me stand. "He was pulled to the Pillars."

Breathing raggedly, I felt my stomach hollow. I'd never seen the draken look so pale—so disturbed.

Rhain stumbled back and understanding dawned on his face. " No ."

Saion's worried gaze darted between his cousin and Rhain. "What the fuck is happening?"

"As a Primal of Death, it is a summons he has no choice but to obey." The corners of Nektas's mouth were pinched white. "There are…" He looked away, his jaw clenching. He closed his eyes.

"Too many souls have arrived at the Pillars to be judged by them," Rhain answered.

Saion stiffened. "What?"

"Souls," I whispered, my hands trembling as I suddenly understood what had taken my legs out from under me. "Hundreds." A shudder went through me. " Thousands of souls. So many I could hear them. I can still hear them. Can feel their deaths."

"Fates," Saion breathed. "What could've caused that?"

"A…a disaster in the environment?" Rhain suggested numbly. "Like a massive quake?"

"No," I whispered, the nape of my neck tingling. "It wasn't that. There was nothing natural about this. It was…" I inhaled sharply. "I have to go."

Nektas's stare snapped in my direction. "No, you do not."

Shaking my head, I backed up, the essence thrumming. "I have to."

Rhain's eyes went wide. "Don't—"

The part of me that still operated as if I were mortal simply clicked off. There was no hesitation, no overthinking anything.

Following the cries of the dying, I shadowstepped into the mortal realm—into a waking nightmare that had once been my home.

Lasania .