CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Terror seized me in one breath, and shame scalded me in the other. My muscles locked up and then moved all at once. I had no control over them—over myself. I sprang from Ash's lap so fast I nearly lost my balance as I bumped into the table, knocking over a glass.

"Sera?" Ash said my name quietly, but there was no mistaking the heavy threads of concern in his voice.

Calm down. I needed to calm down. I'm not there. I'm being foolish. I'm not there.

Managing to take a deep enough breath, I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. "I'm okay." I was. "I'm fine."

Ash didn't respond, and the silence drove my eyes open.

He was on the edge of the couch, frozen as if he had been in the process of standing. His right hand was on the arm, his knuckles bleached white.

My chest rose and fell with a ragged breath, and I could've sworn his chest did the same.

"You're okay?" he said, the skin of his chest thinning.

I nodded, pressing my shaking hands to my hips.

His throat worked on a swallow. "What just happened?"

"Nothing." I took another step back and turned halfway to the table, staring at the overturned glass. "You didn't hurt me or anything—"

"I know I didn't hurt you." Ash had gone completely still. "I also know that wasn't nothing."

I stared harder at the glass.

"You smelled lilacs. Stale lilacs," he continued, his voice low. "That is what death—true death—smells like."

The temperature around me plummeted, and I swung my head back to him.

"That is what Kolis smells like."

A shudder went through me, and I forced myself to move. I started toward the table. "Yeah, he does."

His body trembled, too. "Sera…"

My skin stretched tight as I reached for the fallen glass. "What?"

"Talk to me," he said. "Please."

I swallowed, my heart squeezing. My hand was still shaking as I righted the glass. "About what?"

"About what you're feeling right now."

"I'm feeling kind of tired right now," I answered, forcing a yawn. "Shouldn't we be sleeping?"

"Sera."

Feeling backed into a corner, I reacted like any caged animal. " What ?" I snapped. "What do you want me to say? I freaked out for a minute. It's no big deal."

"I didn't say it was."

"You're acting as if it is!" The wall sconces flickered as essence rose, but I wasn't sure if he or I did it.

"I don't mean to," he said, his voice softer. Calmer. "I'm sorry if I did."

Gods, my heart hurt as if his apology had been a dagger plunged straight into it. "You have nothing to apologize for." I moved away from the table and bent to pick up my robe. Once it was in my hands, I had no idea what to do with it, so I simply held it. "I'm just tired, Ash. That is all."

There was a stretch of silence and then he said, "Do you remember the cavern I took you to so you could clean up?"

His question caught me off guard enough that I turned to him. He'd let go of the arm of the couch. "Yes."

His skin had stopped thinning. "I told you then that I know it's still you."

I froze.

"You didn't need to remind me that it was still you," he said, his body still on the edge of the couch. "I know it's still you, no matter what has happened."

Pressure descended onto my chest, and all I could hear for a moment was the pounding of my heart. "Nothing happened, though."

His eyes slammed shut as he twisted his head to the side.

"I told you that before." My grip tightened on the robe. "Kolis didn't—"

"And I told you before that I know better." His head whipped to the front, and his flesh thinned once more. Shadows began blossoming on his chest, spinning at a rapid, dizzying speed. "I felt your anger. Every time I was conscious, I felt your pain. I felt your—" He inhaled sharply. "I felt your desperation."

The floor felt like it was moving beneath my feet. I hadn't forgotten any of that. I'd just refused to allow myself to think about how he had clawed at his flesh to get to me. That he knew, even though I pretended he didn't.

"He took from you," Ash seethed, and those four words fell like frozen rain against my skin. A sheen of white frost appeared at the corners of the walls. "He took your blood."

"I told you I stopped him."

"You stopped him that time ." His head twisted again, the tendons in his neck standing out. "Please do not lie to me, Sera. You don't need to."

I shook.

"Don't you understand that?" His gaze swung back to mine. Eather crackled from his irises. "I know."

I jerked. "Know what?"

Frost spread over the wall, crackling. "I know how he is. I know exactly what he is capable of. And I know what he did to others he put in those cages."

I stiffened as my mind flashed from the things in the chest to how Kolis's throne was set so he had a perfect view of the bed. I thought about the chains. The chair by the bathing tub. How he'd displayed me. How he'd offered me to Kyn. How he'd found release as he held me to him, feeding from me. The stitches of the robe loosened beneath my fingers as I took another step back. Gods, I could feel the…the dampness even now.

Ash's body seemed to vibrate as he took a deep breath. The frost retreated a few inches. "I know you tried to convince him you were Sotoria . I know…" His lids lowered, and the skin around his eyes creased. "I know you did everything you could to get him to free me."

When he opened his eyes, they glimmered. "I know ."

But he couldn't know everything. There was no way unless Kolis had said something…

My skin burned. I knew Kyn had told him what Kolis had offered, but Ash wasn't talking about that. "What did he say?"

"It doesn't matter."

"What did he say !? " I shouted, the robe slipping from my fingers. Panic blossomed in the pit of my stomach. "Yes, I pretended to be Sotoria . I told him I would consider things with him if he released you. He agreed but found every reason not to." A jagged laugh crawled its way out of me, and then the words came out in a rush. "It didn't matter how much I pretended I didn't want to rip his throat out whenever I had to listen to him. He always found a reason not to let you go. You were too angry. I was too mouthy—too stubborn." My hands opened and closed. "So, yes, I pretended to enjoy his presence and often failed at doing so because he—" I stopped. Kolis's anger at me asking about Ash's release after Ione confirmed that I was Sotoria resurfaced and struck like a pit viper. Just as his fangs had. I lifted my hands and then lowered them. "I told him you didn't love me."

Ash had gone quiet. His eyes never left me, but I didn't really see him. I didn't see anything. "He knew I cared for you. I…I think he knew it was more than that, even though I played it off." The breath I took felt insufficient. "I told him you had your kardia removed. If I hadn't told him that, he…"

"I know what he would've done," Ash said, his voice sounding as pained as I felt on the inside. "He would've put me into stasis, and I may still be in it. But you protected me. You saved me."

I had.

I had .

I'd saved him.

"You saved yourself," he said.

I had.

I had .

"I saved myself before it was…" I trailed off, my mind flashing to Gemma, Aios , and all the other nameless, faceless favorites .

"Before what?" Ash questioned. "Before it was too late?"

"Yes," I whispered hoarsely, backing up and then walking forward. "It doesn't feel like it, though." I turned, then stopped. "Why does it feel that way? Nothing happened."

"Stop saying that nothing happened, Sera!"

"It's the truth, godsdamnit !" I screamed.

And it was the truth.

Nothing had really happened to me. I was lucky .

Ash was on his feet in the blink of an eye, the faint outline of wings appearing behind him. "And I know that isn't true!" he yelled back, causing every item in the room to tremble. Everything except me. "I saw the bruises, and I don't give a shit how he controlled his anger the next time." Shadows spun beneath the flesh of his cheeks. "He hurt you, Sera. He threatened you. He showed you off. And I know what Kolis said he'd do to you if you turned out not to be Sotoria ."

I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.

"I know Kolis fed from you." His lips peeled back in a low snarl. "And I know—" He stopped himself, his eyes closing again. "I know he is why fear seizes you when you feel my fangs—when you never allowed fear to stop you before."

The breath I exhaled formed a misty cloud.

"He took that from you," he seethed. "Whatever you experienced with him, Sera? It wasn't nothing. Because I know a part of you is still there." His voice trembled. "Still in that cage."

The breath I took evaporated, and like flint struck against oil, panic exploded, stoking the Primal essence. It rose in response, flooding my blood.

A faint tremor rocked the chamber as my fingers began to tingle. And…gods, I could feel all these parts inside of me thinning, becoming fragile and brittle. A tremor ran through me.

Ash stiffened, and then everything about him changed. The hazy outline of his wings collapsed. The frost retreated. The temperature increased. But that…

That last part wasn't him.

It was me.

"It's okay." Ash spoke, but he sounded a hundred miles away. "Everything is okay, liessa ." He stepped toward me, lifting his left arm. There was something on his skin—something bluish-red.

Blood.

Dried blood that had seeped from small, half-moon cuts in his arm. My mouth dried. My nails…

I'd done that.

I'd done that to him. I just hadn't seen it until now.

Violent energy surged through me, seeping into the air. The glow of the wall sconces flared through the chamber, brightening until the entire space was filled with light. Bulbs exploded, one after another.

Wind whipped through the open doors, lifting the curtains and knocking the glasses off the table, causing them to roll against each other. Causing them to rattle like the chains had as they'd been lifted, stretching my arms until I felt as if they would be torn from their sockets. My chest heaved, but nothing but the thinnest breath seemed to get through.

"Sera," Ash said softly as the chandelier swayed above me, casting strange, dancing shapes against the walls. "I need you to slow your breathing. Take a deep breath and hold it."

I heard him. I understood. But all I could think about as I stared at him was that he knew . His features were stark, and…

And I felt like I was going to break.

I couldn't.

I couldn't break.

I wouldn't .

My lungs seized. There was no air as the chasm that had cracked open in the Dying Woods split wide, sending a rush of every emotion through me. But it wasn't the long-buried pain and loneliness that rose, rearing its head and taking shape like a wraith that haunted every thought. It was anger, sorrow, and shame that coated my skin like thick, choking oil. The fury of being made helpless. The sorrow of all those who had come before me and the control, freedom, and everything else Kolis had taken from me—from us. The godsdamn shame I knew—I fucking knew —shouldn't be mine but still was because that fucking voice in the back of my head whispered that I should've been smarter when I dealt with Kolis. I should've prepared myself better. I should've been stronger. If I had, I could've handled Kolis better. I would've realized that The Star was above me the whole time. I would've freed Ash sooner. If I had been stronger, he never would have felt my desperation and torn at his flesh to get to me. If I was stronger, there wouldn't still be a piece of me locked in that cage.

I would've been able to deal with this. Would have gotten over it.

All of it was too much.

My throat sealed. Panicked, I started to back away. I couldn't breathe.

I needed to get away from here—from it. I had to. I had to. I had—

The panic was snuffed out instantly, crushed by something feral and powerful. Instinct took over, and it was primal. Ancient. Wild.

And it wanted out. Needed to take back control.

Ash's eyes were wide and bright—too bright. "I've got you," he swore. "Always."

I could feel that wild, primal, ancient thing inside me stretching, and I knew it understood Ash's words.

A hum suddenly filled my ears. My blood. Heat swamped every part of my body. I noticed Ash's mouth moving and his features sharpening until I saw the pores of his skin and the faint shadows beneath it. I saw the blood pumping in the veins of his neck as a distant rumble jerked his head toward the balcony doors. My skin vibrated. Every part of me buzzed, and in the back of my mind, I knew something was happening.

Something was changing inside me.

A fire hit my flesh, filling my mouth with the taste of blood and ash. My chest rumbled as the vibration intensified. Gold-tinged silver light dots appeared on my hands and arms, and then they were everywhere.

Pain flared along the sides of my face as my jaw stretched and expanded, peeling my lips back. Canines grew. My nose flattened. My body spasmed, doubling me over. My lips peeled back more as my jaw popped out of its socket. My knees cracked and changed shape. My fingers shrank and thickened. Strands of silver-tipped gold fur sprang from my flesh, rapidly covering my hand as my nails grew and sharpened. The straps of my nightgown snapped. Silk slipped from my body as I contorted, bones cracking at the joints and then fusing back together. My back bowed as I changed. Shifted. I fell forward, my…paws landing on the stone floor with a soft thud.

My breathing slowed.

My heart calmed.

Taking a step back, I shook myself. The feeling was amazing . I did it again, letting out a pleased purr.

The air shifted around me, and I reacted. Sinking back, my tail swooshed over the smooth stone, and a sound came from within me that turned deeper and raspier. I bared my fangs, my muscles tensing as I prepared to leap—

The threat backed off, giving me space. Muscles twitched as I held myself still, staring at leather-clad legs. Neither of us moved for several moments.

A cool breeze sifted through my fur, drawing my attention to the swaying drapes. To the outside. Muscles twitched more. Anticipation pounded through me, becoming a need.

My claws rapped off the stone as I moved slowly toward the doors, and then I took off.

Crossing the balcony, I leapt onto the railing, balancing myself as I quickly scanned my surroundings. I jumped, landing on the ground below.

I didn't even feel the impact.

This time?

I shook my head. It didn't matter. I was free. I picked up my pace, breaking out into a run.

"Open the gates!" a voice shouted from behind me. "Now."

A deep voice brimming with authority. One accustomed to giving commands and being obeyed.

A familiar one.

An important one.

The cork shoved deep into the neck of the vessel loosened. I started to slow down.

Ahead, the gates swung open, and bodies scattered. The urge to give chase, to hunt them down, hit me, but the desire to run was greater.

So, I did.

I ran.

I passed the gates and the different scents. I sprinted down the road, my ears twitching as I processed the sounds around me. Leaves rustled, shaken by the breeze. Farther up, near the starlight, wings beat the air. But closer, I heard the rush of water over rocks. I followed that sound, veering off the road. A channel of water came into view, and on the other side, a forest. There. I wanted to be there.

Steering clear of the crimson-and-silver flowers, taller grass grazed the sides of my stomach. I neared the river and eyed the churning water, searching for a way across. I found it in a series of rocks jutting from the surface. I dashed down the riverbank, my paws sinking into the softer, damp ground. Reaching the edge, I jumped, landing on a slick rock and sliding an inch or two. Cold water lapped at my legs and dampened my tail. Inching to the edge, I sank down and batted at the flying droplets until I focused on my clawed paw.

In the starlight, I could see that the fur appeared silver, but when the breeze ruffled the strands, I saw the gold underneath.

Sound caught my attention, and I flattened my ears. It was barely audible over the babbling of the water, but I heard something on all fours. Something running. Something larger than me.

I leapt to the next boulder and then the third before making the longer jump.

Water splashed, soaking my lower body as I landed in the shallow water near the riverbank. Making my way onto dry land, I shook the water from my fur and then took off once more.

I ran through the trees, leaping over rocks and fallen limbs. I ran straight into the thick darkness of the deeper forest, dashing between the trunks. I picked up different scents as I ran. Earthy tones. Floral notes of blossoming flowers. The hint of rain and sea salt. I ran right and then left.

I ran and ran, my taut muscles stretching and burning. Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes became hours. And still, I ran, my lungs taking in deep, filling breaths as the sky through the trees lightened to a deep violet-blue. I kept running, stopping every so often to inspect a small mound of rocks or investigate a strange scent.

A cluster of small, white-petaled flowers caught my eye. I sank down on my belly before them. They were some sort of daisy. My tail swished over the mossy forest floor as my ears picked up the sound of buzzing. Insects. I tracked a small, black bug hopping from petal to petal—

A different sound reached me. Heavier, repetitive thuds.

I rose, darting around the flowers. I ran, enjoying the feel of the wind in my fur, the air in my lungs, and the dirt beneath my paws. Eventually, the trees thinned, and the scent of the sea grew stronger. I slowed, crossing a meadow of thin reeds taller than me. The land dipped and then rose again as the sky above continued to lighten. I rushed up the hill, spotting a faint mist at the top—

Dirt crumbled under my feet. Hissing, I scrambled back from the edge of a cliff—a bluff. Staying on much more stable ground, I sank low to the ground and squinted. Through the mist, I saw blue.

A new scent reached me. I swung around, tracking the movement of the reeds several yards away. I prowled to the left. The stalks shuddered, foot by foot.

Throwing myself to the side, I dug into the ground and ran again, racing along the bluff. I picked up speed. It didn't feel like I even touched the ground. I ran until the mist seeped over the cliff, forcing me back a few feet and into the reeds. Then I kept running, bursting from the reeds and onto a road.

A wall of thick, swirling mist rose in front of me. I skidded, kicking up loose dirt. The thick hairs all over my body stood on end as I eyed the mist. I knew this place.

I crept along the barrier, picking up the sound of something else in the reeds, moving closer. My muscles tensed. I'd been here before. This was a gateway to the mortal realm, to my…

To my lake.

Home?

Yes.

And no.

Pieces of me started fusing back together. Pieces I wanted. Others I didn't as I stopped in front of the thickest part of the Primal mist. Behind me, the reeds continued brushing against one another, swishing in time with my heartbeat.

I could will the Primal mist to part. I could open the gateway. I could because I could do anything I wanted—

A scent reached me. Fresh and citrusy and stronger than before. I spun, a low growl rumbling from my throat as the reeds shook and parted.

A wolf stalked out onto the road, its fur a glossy silver in the dimming starlight and lavender-streaked skies. The beast was huge, a good head taller than me, broader at the shoulders. And a predator to his core.

But he was a beautiful creature, and I wanted to run again because I knew he would give chase. He'd been doing so for hours, tracking me across the river and into the woods. It was in his nature to do so.

But he hadn't been hunting me. I knew this, even in my… nota form. He'd been watching over me, as he had done for most of my life.

The silver beast drew closer, its intelligent gaze locking with mine. Silver eyes.

I froze.

The wolf stopped a foot from me and then changed. It was like the stars themselves danced over the wolf's fur in a wave of shimmering, silvery light that lasted for only a second or two. The silver fur retracted. Hard, golden-bronze flesh appeared. Muscles lengthened, becoming leaner. Paws shrank and thinned, becoming fingers. Legs with a dusting of dark hair formed, and then arms.

His scent…

A man now crouched before me in the same place the wolf had been—a russet-haired man I knew was tall even though he wasn't standing.

My gaze flickered over his features. The high, broad cheekbones were familiar. So was the full mouth. I…I knew those lips. Had felt them on my skin. Heard them whisper sweet words. But this was no mere man. He was powerful.

Primal.

A Primal of Death.

And he was…

The mist drifted over the road, drawing my attention back to the wall. To the gateway.

" Liessa ," he spoke, and I shuddered at the shadowy sound of his voice. "You can't go through there. Not like this."

My head snapped back to his, and our eyes locked.

"Plus, you must be tired," he said, keeping his voice low. Gentle. "You've been running for hours." He glanced up at the pink-and-purple-streaked sky. "Dawn is approaching." His chest rose in a shallow breath, and then he extended a hand. "Let's go home."

Home.

I leaned forward and sniffed his hand. Fresh air. Citrus. His scent.

My other half.

My heartmate.

My King.

Husband.

My everything.

He was mine , and I was his .

The cork in the neck of the vessel loosened even more. I became more of myself and less the wild, free animal. My gaze shot to his arm. The four half-moon cuts were gone. So was the blood, but I could still see it in my mind. My head lowered.

He dropped his arm. "I'm fine, liessa ," he assured me, somehow sensing where my mind had gone. "But I'll be perfect once you come back to me."

I wanted that, but I…

I wanted to be free. There was no looming war or crown I didn't even want. I was stronger in this form. I was myself. Nothing could gain the upper hand. If they tried, they wouldn't have a hand—or a head. In this form, I could be the monster.

He lifted his arm again, once more extending a hand to me.

Hissing, I swiped out a paw in warning.

He didn't even flinch.

His hand didn't waver.

"Come back to me." He tilted his head, and a lock of hair kissed his cheek. "Will you do that? Please?"

A shudder went through me. I was never able to deny him when he said please. No matter what. No matter what form I took—unless it was for something I wasn't ready to share.

I stepped toward him and then stopped. I wasn't even sure how I'd turned into this or why it had happened, so I didn't know how to come back to him.

"All you have to do is will it." A charge of energy passed between us as his fingers sifted through the fur on my cheek. "Like you do when using the eather . Just want it, liessa ."

Something beautiful.

Something powerful.

Closing my eyes, I nuzzled his palm and then concentrated. I wanted it, so I willed it.

The change came at me faster than before. Silvery light appeared all over my limbs and then washed over my body just as it had done with Ash. The process was far more fluid. Tendons loosened as my bones contracted, snapping back into place. My fingers thinned and lengthened, and my jaw shrank. I felt my hair slide over my shoulders, but I never felt the roughness of the road beneath my bare knees.

Ash didn't allow that.

He swept me up in his arms and rose. He didn't speak as he held me tightly against him, his cool body a relief against my overly hot skin. For several moments, I just focused on his thumb smoothing back and forth along my side, but inevitably, the reality of the situation rose.

"I…" Wincing, I cleared my throat. "I don't know what happened."

"It was your nota ." One hand ran up my back, slipping under my hair. "The nota is still you, but it's the most instinctual part of your Primal being. Just like with the eather , it can respond to your emotions or a potential threat."

"Great," I murmured. "So, what you're saying is that the next time I'm anxious, I'm just going to shift into a cave cat and eventually end up naked somewhere?"

"Not necessarily, liessa ." His tone had lightened, but only for a too-quick moment. "It has to be pretty severe for that to happen. At least, now. After the first time you shift, you have more control over it."

That would be a relief, except for the fact that I clearly had no control over my anxiety, my breathing…or my own head.

Turning, I looked down at his arm once more. I couldn't believe I'd hurt him. I couldn't believe I'd done any of that.

Shame scalded my cheeks. "I'm…I'm sorry."

His arms tightened around my waist. " Liessa , you have nothing to apologize for."

Gods, that wasn't true. "I scratched you."

"Barely."

"You bled."

"You've stabbed me before," he reminded me.

"But that was intentional. Kind of."

A rough chuckle teased the wisps of hair at my temple. The sound of his laugh caused the corners of my lips to tip up, but the humor was all too brief.

I really couldn't believe what had happened. That I had freaked out like that and lost control. That he knew I was afraid of him feeding. That I was even afraid of that. That I could somehow forget that it was Ash I was with.

That he knew a piece of me remained in that cage.

"I'm tired," I said hoarsely, and it was true. A bone-deep exhaustion had settled over me.

Without saying a word, Ash shadowstepped us back to the bedchamber and then took me to bed. I was sure I had dirt on me, and the gods only knew what else, but I rolled onto my side and folded my arms over my chest.

Lying down behind me, Ash pulled the blanket up over us. A moment passed, and then I felt the weight of his arm on my waist. Immediately, my mind wanted to go back to when I was in Dalos , to when—

No . I pressed my lips together, welcoming the sting of pain as my fangs scraped my lip. It stopped me from putting space between us. Even if it felt like I did at that moment, I didn't want that. We slept like this all the time because the feeling of him touching me was comforting. Grounding. It was my thoughts that weren't.

His chest rose against my back once more. "Sera…"

I heard it all in his voice. "I don't want to talk about it," I whispered, feeling my nostrils burn.

"Okay. We won't," Ash said without hesitation, but I felt the fine tremor that went through him. "There is something I need to say, though. Something you need to hear. You don't have to respond. You don't have to say anything."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I would give anything to be able to go back and take your place. Fucking anything," he swore. "But I can't."

And I was glad he couldn't because I knew he would.

"All I can do is tell you that nothing—absolutely nothing—has changed between us," he said. "No matter what happened, it hasn't changed how I see you. You're still the same brave, strong Seraphena I saw that night in the Shadow Temple. It hasn't changed how I feel about you. Nothing can. Nothing ever will."