Chapter 42

FORTY-TWO

Claudia

Randy and Glen keep Hana busy the next two days, so it’s easier to hide my lack of appetite from her. It’s a little harder at night since she’s sleeping in my room and sharing a bed with me, but she’s completely self-absorbed right now, which is a blessing in disguise. Unfortunately, I wake up Wednesday morning with the worst bout of nausea yet, and this time I can’t keep the contents of my stomach down.

I retch into the toilet for ten minutes until I hear soft steps behind me and Hana puts a cool cloth on the back of my neck.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” I keep my eyes closed as I breathe through the next wave of nausea, and finally, it seems like it’s going to pass.

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed.” She helps me up and I pause to rinse my mouth in the sink.

I lie back down and close my eyes, hoping she’ll let this go, but that’s not Hana.

“You’re pregnant.” It’s not a question, but a statement of fact.

I don’t respond, because my stomach is still churning and I’m not sure whether or not I’ll have to run back to the bathroom.

“Weren’t you going to tell me?” she whispers, and it’s the hurt in her voice that forces me to pry open my lids.

“I was,” I say in a hoarse voice. “Just not until I had a plan.”

“What kind of plan? You’re not going to have an abortion.” She knows me too well.

“No. I can’t.”

“Did you tell him?”

“No!” My eyes fill with tears. “And you better not either. This is my life, my baby, and my decision.”

“But…it’s his baby too.” She pauses in confusion. “Isn’t it?”

“Yes, of course it’s his. I’m going to tell him, but not until…later. I’m not going to trap him, Hana. I can’t do what Martika did.”

“But it’s not the same! I’m assuming it was an accident and?—”

“We had a thing where I would roll the condoms on…” I hold up one of my hands and wiggle my fingers. “Look at my nails—I’m sure this is my fault. I probably ripped one and didn’t notice.”

She makes a face. “That’s not your fault , it’s an accident. And you’re certainly not trapping him!”

“Look, it doesn’t matter. I’ve made a mess of everything, and if I’m honest, I’m overwhelmed either way. I don’t want a baby right now, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it, so I’m going to have to deal with it. But there’s no reason to ruin his life too.”

“Ruin his life…” She stares at me. “What’s wrong with you? He loves you.”

“He never said the words, but honestly, knowing he loves me doesn’t help. In fact, in some ways, it’s worse. He kept wanting to see me, making plans for us that meant I would have to jump on a plane to see him for a day here, a weekend there… it sounded exhausting. It’s a lot to have this gorgeous, rich, successful man trying to shower you with attention when you’re still trying to figure out who you are, learn all about adulting, and start a brand new, extremely demanding career. Something had to give. Adding a baby to the mix is my worst nightmare, and I love him too much to drag him down with me.”

“You didn’t get pregnant by yourself.”

“He was very clear that he doesn’t want kids yet.”

“Neither do you, but it happened.”

“I wasn’t careful, so why should it ruin his life?”

She makes a face. “There is so much to unpack with that statement, but I’ll let it go for now. My question is, why didn’t you just talk to him? That’s what couples do.”

“Because I don’t want to be in a situation where I don’t know if he’s with me for me or only because I got pregnant!” I burst out crying, and she immediately puts her arms around me, hugging me tightly.

“Shh. It’s okay. Don’t cry. We’re going to figure this out. You’re not alone.”

My stomach heaves and I rush to the bathroom, emptying my stomach again just as I reach the toilet. Hana’s right behind me, wetting the washcloth again and pressing it to the back of my neck.

“Do your parents know?”

“No one knows except my doctor.”

“Okay, we’re going to talk about this. We have a long weekend ahead of us, so we’ll have time to sort things out and come up with a plan.”

“Promise me you won’t tell him,” I say. “Please, Hana. You’re my best friend—and I need you to be on my side. I don’t have anyone else to trust with this, but I wasn’t lying when I told you I need to figure out my life on my terms.”

“I promise,” she says quietly. “You have to tell him eventually, but for now, it stays between us.”

“Thank you.”

“That’s what besties are for.”

“Ugh. I feel like shit. This is the worst it’s been.” I get to my feet and lean over to rinse my mouth again.

“Claudia.” Hana’s voice sounds funny.

“What?” I catch her eye in the mirror, and she looks worried.

“You’re bleeding.”

“What?” I look down in alarm and that’s when I feel the wetness between my legs.

“A lot,” she says, grabbing a towel.

“Oh, no.” My heart starts to pound. “Oh, my God…I’m having a miscarriage!”

“We need to call 911.”

“No.” I shake my head. “If I’m losing the baby, an ambulance isn’t going to stop it. Go get my mom. Please. Hurry!”

She nods and turns, and I can hear her running down the stairs.

Please, no , I think to myself. Not like this.

Please.

I don’t even know what I’m begging for.

I didn’t want to be pregnant, but I don’t want to lose the baby either.

And once again, as I hug my arms to my chest, the only thing I want is Anders.

He would know what to do. What to say. How to get me through this.

Please, please, please, don’t let me lose my baby…