Chapter 32

thirty-two

HAUNTING REALIZATIONS

T he house falls silent until I nod, accepting Tate’s offer.

I don’t know what to expect when he puts his arm around me and we walk out together. We’re silent for a few minutes, the radio filtering between us.

My nerves have me fidgeting with my hair and tapping my fingers to the beat of the song, but Tate doesn’t seem to notice as he backs out of our driveway. After a few minutes he finally sighs and looks at me out of the corner of his eye.

“There are a few things I want to talk to you about, but first and foremost,” he pauses, his body sagging in what feels like heartache and my own chest tightens in response. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been the brother you could come to and talk about anything with.”

“Tate,” I protest, but he shakes his head.

“No, Em. It’s true. I always wanted to be the brother you could come to. Who could give you advice and help you make tough decisions. But somewhere along the way, I started making those decisions for you and you stopped coming to me and I can’t blame you. ”

His words feel like punches as they land against my skin. Painful because I can’t deny them and I hate that he feels inadequate when I do love him. I wouldn’t change either of my brothers for the world. As infuriating as they can be, they’re my brothers.

“I know you’ve made your decision about Xander,” he continues and I tense. He smirks as he turns into the parking lot for ice cream. “He’s the best guy I know, Em.”

I wait for a but, but it never comes. I meet his eyes, all my doubt and questions written across my face for him to read.

He nods again. “Full stop, Xander is the best guy I know. I trusted you with him for good reason. I wouldn’t leave you with just anyone,” he teases. “I trusted him and I still trust him now to take care of you.”

“You do?” I ask, unable to hide my shock.

“I do,” he assures me. “I have concerns, and I do want to talk about them, but I know he’d never intentionally hurt you. More than that, I know you’re good for him.”

This is way too easy. He’s being far too agreeable for that not to be something.

“Why all the death stares then?”

He laughs, a genuine if shocked sound. “Because he deserved them and he knows it. You know it too. He is my best friend and he lied to me. I trusted him with you and he hid important things from me. He could have supported you and been my best friend at the same time, instead he lied and hid.”

“It was my fault he didn’t tell you,” I defend Xander. He always wanted to tell Tate. From our first kiss he wanted to and I was the one who wasn’t ready.

“He might be your boyfriend now, but he is my best friend. Our problems are ours and we’ll solve them between the two of us. He could have made other choices and he didn’t.”

I sigh, knowing there’s no arguing with him on this. He’s not going to change his mind and it’s possible he isn’t wrong. Xander and Tate will have to sort out their own problems between them. It’s a weird new dynamic we’ll all have to figure out.

“Why aren’t you mad at me then?”

He scoffs, getting out of the car and coming around to open my door. “I’m supposed to be there for you, looking out for you and I failed. You should be mad at me.”

We get in line and I mull over his words, turning them over in my head before I try and respond to them. I don’t want to dismiss them outright because he believes them as truth, and to an extent their truth resonates with me as well. But I also don’t want to minimize my own feelings in order to avoid hurting his feelings more. If we continue to tiptoe over the way we feel, we’ll never truly understand each other.

Losing our mom changed all of us. Tate became even more serious, Zac lost any ability to be serious for long, and I withdrew into myself. None of them knew what to do with me when they barely recognized who I was anymore. Our grief was all consuming and we moved through it and found our peace and I found my smile again, they all became fiercely protective over me not losing it again.

After we order our ice cream and take our seats, I lean my head against his shoulder. “You’ve always been a good big brother,” I start and I can feel the way he wants to disagree. Tate has always been harder on himself than anyone else. But for once, I’m going to make him listen to me. “So many siblings can’t even stand each other and I’m happy we aren’t like that. I understand why you’re so protective over me. You saw me break after we lost Mom and you were all worried I was never going to be the same again, I just wish you could trust me the way you trust Xander.”

His head knocks against mine. “That’s the other apology and explanation I owe you.” Something about the way he says those words makes dread build in my gut. “Why do you think Zac and I have always ruined your dates?”

I shrug, eating a bite of ice cream to buy time before answering cause the truth isn’t very nice. “At first I thought you were being overprotective and didn’t want me dating anyone because you thought I was too young.”

“And then?” he presses.

I click my tongue. “I assumed you were having fun messing with me and embarrassing me. Especially after homecoming.”

Tate cringes and sighs. “I can’t blame you.”

“It was pretty consistent, no matter who I dated or what I was doing. If you guys found out about it, you stopped it. And you somehow always found out about it.”

His body tenses again and he puts his half eaten ice cream down on the table, pushing it away from him. The dread in my gut building, and I’m not ready for whatever the next words out of his mouth are going to be.

“We only interrupted the dates we thought would end up with you in a bad situation.” His voice is tight and he can’t meet me in the eyes. His words don’t make any sense because a lot of the guys I attempted to date were known for being sweet, and that didn’t stop my brothers from ruining those dates too. He swallows thickly, his hands curling into fists and I don’t think I want to be in public when he says what he has to say.

Suddenly the little appetite I had started gaining back is dead.

I toss out both of our ice creams in the trash and start walking back to the car. He’s at my side near instantly, trying to stop me, but I shake my head. “I have a feeling whatever you’re about to tell me is going to make me cry all over again and I really don’t want to do that in public. I think the rumor mills have enough gossip about me from this weekend. ”

He nods, biting his tongue and whatever it is it’s going to be bad. Tears burn the back of my throat and I’m really wishing I could still be sleeping. I had tricked myself into believing I was feeling a bit better, but that was nothing but a delusion. Apparently I’m good at those.

We climb into the car and he pulls me into the middle seat, holding my hand and giving as much support as he can.

“We always knew and we always thought it was bad because that’s what Becca would be telling us,” he admits and the fractures in my heart widen, tearing me open until I wonder how the useless organ in my chest is even still beating.

“I’m so fucking sorry. We never should have listened to her. I should have realized it was suspicious when every guy you dated was talking shit about you, or making bets behind your back, or planning on getting you drunk if they had to. She just always sounded so concerned about you. Was always crying as she pleaded for us to do something because you weren’t listening to reason when she tried to talk you out of it.”

I never knew her at all. She was never my friend. I don’t think she ever even liked me. It makes even the good memories take on jaded edges, cutting into my psyche each time I recall them.

“It did make me feel like I couldn’t trust you when it came to men and I’ll never be able to apologize enough for believing her and not talking my concerns out with you.”

Tears fill my eyes and Tate’s eyes match my own pain. His for hurting me, but mine is for the loss of something that was never even really mine.

“I think, I really think she hated me.” The words cut deeper than I thought they would and my body shakes with the force of my tears. Tate pulls me into his arms and holds me as I ball into his chest.

Why does losing a friend hurt so goddamn much ?

Becca wasn’t ever a friend. I thought she was and it makes me doubt myself. What if I’m wrong about all the people in my people? What if I’m wrong about all the people I have surrounded myself with and they don’t really like me all that much either. Only put up with me for my brothers’ sakes?

I need Xander. Need to know his feelings are real.

When I calm down a little, I tell Tate about what Megan had told me about Becca. How she had been sabotaging me from the beginning and I still tried to defend her. He listens intently until I start voicing the doubts I have about myself aloud.

“I can’t blame you for not trusting me. How am I supposed to trust myself when I didn’t see Becca for who she was? I thought she loved me. Thought she was my best friend. Thought she was a good friend. But I really don’t think she ever liked me, Tate.”

He wipes the tears from my cheeks and my sadness reflects in his eyes. More than anything, I wish my mom were here to help us navigate through situations like this. “You can’t do that to yourself,” he whispers. “She manipulated all of us.”

“What if I’m wrong about everyone else?” I ask. “What if I’m wrong about Xander?”

Tate snorts, shaking his head at me. “Don’t be ridiculous, I’ve never seen the guy so smitten. He is very much obsessed with you. Which I won’t lie, is weird.”

I try to scoff, but it comes out as more of a cry and he hands me a napkin to blow my nose.

His fingers press against the sun pendant that hangs around my neck. “He gave this to you, yeah?”

I nod.

“It’s because you shine, Emery. You are like sunshine and there are always going to be people who see your light and want it for themselves. Who wants to dim yours. Becca was someone like that. She couldn’t stand for you to come in and outshine her so she shrouded you in her shadows. But she is only one person. There will be plenty of other people who see your light and want to be a part of what makes you shine. Who will want to be at your side because you lift people up and bring warmth into their lives. Like Colby and the way you both have been helping each other grow in your confidence. And to someone like Xander? He will see you and your light and make you the very center of his universe. Don’t doubt the people who make you feel good because there were a couple of people who tried to take what’s special about you for themselves.”

He’s right and I hate that I let Becca still have so much power over me, but I know it won’t be something I’m able to turn off. I’ll have to continue to remind myself that the friends I have now have never made me feel unwanted.

“You say that and then you’re still going to give him shit though, aren’t you?”

He smirks. “He’s my best friend and he pissed me off. It’s my right.”

I relax a little, missing Xander and feeling drained from the last two days. I wish it was as easy as turning off the little voice in my head that really does sound a lot like Becca now that I think about it. But I know it will take me time to get over this hurt. To forgive myself for allowing myself to be so easily manipulated.

“You guys are going to be okay though, right?”

He kisses the top of my head. “As long as he’s never the one to dull your shine.”

I hold the sun pendant in my hand and squeeze. Feeling some of Xander’s strength breathe into me. The necklace is slowly becoming more than just a reminder of the boy I’ve fallen for. It gives me strength and a reminder of who I am.

He gives me one of his rare, carefree smiles. “Don’t tell him that though. Make him sweat it out a little bit.”

I can’t help but laugh. We’re all really going to be okay.