26. Chapter 26

I stood there with my arms wrapped around me as I stared at Ajax, lying face down on his bed, completely out. He’d hardly slept at all before he fell into depression, so he had a lot of sleep to make up.

My emotions wrung tightly around me, constricting, suffocating. I never wanted to fucking go through that again, but I knew I would. The doctor made that clear. This was a lifelong mental health issue.

I was not only stressed out about Ajax, but about my own behavior and fucking life. If this wasn’t a wake-up call, I didn’t know what was. Not even getting kicked out of my own home pushed me to change and adapt. In fact, it had done the opposite because I didn’t care about my mother. I didn’t love her. My love for my stepfather wasn’t real. But Ajax? It proved how much and how hard I’d fallen.

Regardless, because of my refusal and stubbornness to adapt and grow, I’d failed Ajax. I fed his mania instead of trying to calm him down, and for what? Petty revenge against my mother?

“I’m a fucking piece of shit. I’m selfish. I can’t do anything right…” I whispered.

Ajax’s sleeping body blurred as the tears threatened.

Someone gripped my shoulder, and I turned to look at Cueball. Alpha was also watching me.

“I’m glad you’re starting to finally see clearly,” Cueball said. I huffed a humorless laugh because he always told you like it was, never mincing words. “You’re not a piece of shit. You’re just blind and have been spoiled for so long, making you entitled and wrapped up in your own pain that you’ve struggled to empathize with others. But I always knew there was someone good in there.”

I angrily wiped away a tear. “Is there, though? Do I have any goodness?”

“Definitely,” Alpha said. “Despite your difficulties with Ajax, you care about him and his well-being. That’s important.”

I didn’t see it, but I didn’t argue, either.

“If I wasn’t here, do you think… do you think he would’ve…”

Cueball patted my back. “It’s best not to dwell on the ‘what ifs.’ The fact is, you were here when he needed someone, and you finally reached out for help.”

I shook my head. “Ajax said he needed help. I only reacted.”

“And you got it for him,” Alpha explained.

“I need to find a job, but I’ve never held one before. I promised Ajax that I’d stop selling.”

“I could use another server,” Alpha said.

“Thank you, but you don’t have to pretend you need someone. I’ll figure it out.”

“Who’s pretending? I have two people waiting tables between them all week. That’s a lot. I really could use an extra person.”

I looked at Alpha, just now noticing how tired and strained he appeared. His blue eyes had dark circles under them, and his dirty blond hair, falling limply in his face, needed a cut. It showed how much he cared about Ajax and the others.

“Seriously? ”

“Seriously. But if I take you on, that means no drugs… taking or selling.”

I nodded vigorously. “You got it. But… I don’t have a driver’s license or… I don’t know my social security number. My mom kicked me out before I could grab anything. I tried reaching out a couple of times, but she refused to talk to me.”

“You have a right to your social security card. Why don’t you try to get it from her, or at least your birth certificate? Then we can get the information you need,” Cueball explained. “You need to push this with her. You can’t live like a non-existent person. She doesn’t have that right.”

“I’ll call a lawyer if I need to,” Alpha said.

“God, the last thing I want to do is talk to my mother, if she’d even let me. Thanks, Alpha. Let me try her first… it’s been a while. If she still refuses, then I’ll let you know.”

That would be a good time to finally face her, apologize for ruining her marriage, and tell her how much I hated her neglect.

Alpha stood in front of me, making me look up at him. “Do you think you could stay here a bit and watch over Ajax? Just at least for a few days?”

“Yeah, definitely. The doctor already told Ajax someone had to stay with him.”

“Good. I’m going to head out to get some groceries for both of you. Please try to get Ajax to eat something.”

“I will.”

“I won’t forget this.”

“This is about Ajax, not me. I’m doing this for him.”

“You have my thanks.”

When Alpha left, Cueball hung around for a bit longer.

“What can I do to help?” he asked.

I looked at my friend, seeing him differently for the first time. He looked older, and a bit stressed, no longer appearing as confident and indifferent as he usually did. There was a vulnerability to him I hadn’t noticed before.

“What’s the matter?” I asked him.

“Nothing. What do you need?”

“Honestly? We need to find a way to fix Ajax’s bathroom. He’s spent all his savings, so he’s got nothing left right now to repair it. If his landlord finds out…”

“Done. I’ll figure it out.”

I lunged at Cueball and hugged him, something I’d never done before for as long as I’d known him. Slowly, he hugged me back.

“Thank you for putting up with me.”

He said nothing as he let me go and coughed. “Well, I better head out. Let’s see if we can figure out how to help Ajax. I’ll text you with any news. Oh, and I’ll pack a bag for you, so you’ve got your own things over here. I’ll be back later tonight.”

“Thanks.”

He gave me a curt nod and left.

Later that afternoon, Ajax finally woke up, not looking much better.

“Let me make us something to eat,” I said. “Alpha dropped off a shit ton of groceries.”

He nodded and yawned. “What time is it?”

“It’s around four in the afternoon.”

“Okay, I’ll try to eat, but I need to call and make an appointment at that outpatient clinic and call those doctors that were referred to me before I chicken out and before they close. First, I gotta piss.”

When he stood, I rushed to him and held him. “Are you okay? How are you feeling? Is there anything I can do?”

Ajax chuckled softly and held me back. “Who is this caring man, and what have you done with Blaze?”

“Blaze is dead. It’s just Aiden.”

He squeezed me so tight that I couldn’t breathe, but I was okay with that. “I like this Aiden, but Blaze is pretty cool, too. Don’t kill him off just yet.”

We separated, and he went off to the bathroom. As soon as the door was shut, Ajax groaned loudly. “ Fuck, I keep forgetting about this disaster .”

I laughed. “We’ll get it fixed,” I yelled back.

I dumped a jar of spaghetti sauce into a small pot before I filled a larger pot full of water and put it on the stove to boil. Thank fuck, Alpha got groceries that were easy to cook and put together. He even bought a large pre-made salad and a bottle of dressing.

I scooped out some of the salad mix onto two small plates and poured some Italian dressing on top.

Ajax came out of the bathroom, walked over to me, and pulled me into another fierce hug. “To answer your question, I’m still bleh. My mood isn’t great, but… I feel kind of stable now and not like my world is going to come to an end or something.”

“That’s something, at least.”

He eased me back, cupped my face, and pulled me into a kiss. It was slow and tender, making my toes curl. I hadn’t earned that kiss, but I’d take it for the gift it was. Ajax was good at giving me sweet things like that.

“I’m not sure what I would’ve done had you not been here,” he said when we pulled away.

“You would’ve been fine,” I said, but that was a lie. He’d been far from fine.

“I’m not so sure.”

He gripped my face again, leaned down, and rested his forehead on mine. “Thank you for… saying you love me.”

“I… didn’t just say it. I meant it.”

“You have no idea how much I needed to hear that while at the hospital. I was so scared.”

I pulled away and stared down at my feet, still feeling unworthy and guilty. “I’m with you all the way… as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever, then?”

I looked up at his pretty, dark eyes and nodded. “Forever.”

The water started boiling, so I dumped the noodles in.

Once everything was ready, I placed two bowls full of spaghetti and two plates for our salad on the table.

Ajax took a bite of lettuce, chewing slowly. “I’m not very hungry.”

“Can you please eat a little more than a piece of lettuce? You’ve been steadily losing weight.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I’ll try.”

Ajax managed to eat most of his salad and half of the spaghetti, which was more than I expected. While I cleaned the kitchen, he made a few calls .

Once I was finished, I ran us a bath. Like the last time, I washed his hair and scrubbed his body with the washrag, and then I washed myself. Once we were clean, we laid back and soaked in the warm water, but this time, I leaned into Ajax. We fit in the tub better that way.

“I need to go talk to my boss at the hardware store. After that, I’ve got an appointment at four tomorrow,” he said.

I grabbed his hand, playing with his fingers. Even if he wasn’t well, I felt so close to him. I felt needed, loved… at home. This was where I belonged, lying against Ajax like this.

“I’m glad. I hope it helps.”

“Me, too. I never want to go through this again. The mania wasn’t bad… better even, but I know now there will be a hard crash at the end of it.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“If you want, and I’d like you to, but…” He sighed and kissed the top of my wet head.

“But what?”

“But maybe I need to see if I can do this on my own. I need to know I can lift myself up and get out of this. You won’t always be there.”

“I will.”

“You won’t. You’ll have work, or you could be anywhere. I need to do this… to take that first step. If I can do that, then I can take others.”

I craned my head back, and he gave me a peck on the lips. “I’m proud of you, Precious. I wish I were as strong as you.”

“You don’t think you’re strong?”

I shook my head. “My weakness led to me losing my home. I don’t give a fuck about my mother. She neglected me, but… I didn’t have to ruin her marriage, either.”

“Turn around and face me.”

I twisted in the bath and sat on my knees, unable to look at him.

“Look at me, Aiden?”

I shook my head.

“Look at me,” he said firmly.

I eyed him, feeling more guilty for putting pressure on someone who was already full of pain. The last thing Ajax needed was my burden on top of his .

“Baby, he used you and groomed you. Your stepfather saw your need and took advantage of you. He’s a fucking manipulator and a monster. He knew exactly what he was doing. That isn’t your fault. That’s not your weakness. It’s his.”

Ajax pressed a hand to my cheek. “You just wanted to be loved, Baby. That’s not a weakness. Who knew there was such a sweet and good person under all that bravado and all those tattoos?”

I lay back on him, and he wrapped his arms around me, protective and loving, making no demands of me. He was giving me his love freely without making me work for it or earn it.

“I don’t want to be Blaze anymore,” I finally said.

“Why’d you keep it if it was the name he gave you?”

I shrugged. “Maybe I didn’t want people to know Aiden. Aiden was a needy loser. Blaze was loved, or so he thought. Blaze felt strong and in control.”

“Aiden is stronger. Aiden is my name for you. And Jaxon is yours.”

“Where did the name Ajax come from?”

Jaxon yawned and shrugged. “Who knows? Someone once said it instead of Jaxon. It’s just a play on my name, and it stuck. Nothing profound or anything.”

“Come on, let’s get out and hold each other while watching a movie,” I said.

“Sounds perfect.”