25. Chapter 25

The closer we got to the hospital, the more stressed out I got. My stomach was in knots so much that I felt like I was about to throw up the eggs I’d eaten. My hand was clammy in Blaze’s, but I didn’t want to let him go.

I was even more terrified he’d leave me. This was all a lot. He had his own shit to deal with, let alone put up with mine. It wouldn’t surprise me if he ran, and I wouldn’t blame him one fucking bit. But he was here with me now, and that meant something. It was important. I loved him a little bit more, but I wish he’d tell me, too, or at least that he felt the same. I needed to hear those words more than I needed to breathe right now, only for a little reassurance that I wasn’ t so alone.

But what the fuck did that matter? It wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t bring me happiness. Still, I clung to his hand, desperate to keep him from realizing I wasn’t worth the trouble.

It didn’t matter that I had friends with me. I felt so detached… disconnected from everyone and everything, like someone had unplugged me.

My entire body clenched when we arrived at the ER and parked, and then it started to shake.

“I’ve got you,” Blaze whispered.

“I’m scared. What if they take me away?”

His eyes watered, but he refused to look away, gently cupping my face. “I’m not leaving you.”

“Okay…” I said, not fighting him. If they took me away, he’d have no choice.

I climbed out of the car, clinging to Blaze as we all walked inside the hospital. The place was busy, full of sick people, sicker than I was. I felt like I was just taking up space for someone who needed more help than me.

Alpha helped me check in and explained why I was there because I could barely move or speak. Then we sat and waited.

They finally called me back half an hour later.

The nurse looked at my three friends. “You can only bring one back with you. I’m sorry, but we’ve updated our visiting rules.”

I looked back at Blaze, Alpha, and Cueball. There was no question who I would bring. I grabbed Blaze’s hand, and he squeezed it back.

“Blaze, keep us posted,” Alpha said.

“I will.”

I lay on the bed upright as the nurse checked my vitals and asked me several questions before starting an IV drip for fluids. When she finished, she informed me they would send a mental health professional in to evaluate me shortly.

Blaze sat on the edge of the bed, and I looked around the room as thoughts about my mother slammed home.

“Is this what my mom felt when she took her life? Did she feel this hopeless?” My eyes watered, still terrified about what was going to happen to me. Would they put me in some facility, never to let me go, seeing how crazy I was? “I never understood how she took her life, leaving behind her children, but it sort of makes more sense now. Like I love you and my friends… At the same time, I feel like I don’t belong. That there’s something so wrong with me, and I’m not worth it. It wasn’t that she didn’t love us, but she just felt like death was better than living.”

Blaze gripped my hand tighter. “Is that what you’re feeling?”

Tears slid down my face as I shook my head. “I don’t want to die, but… I’ve been this way for days now. I can’t… live like this forever. There’s no way I could take it. I’m not strong enough. But I wonder what it would be like if I just never woke up.”

“You’re so strong. Stronger than me. I’m such a fuck up at life. I’m always failing people and making bad decisions. Sometimes, I don’t even care about others. God, I’m such a shit. Taking you to my mom’s… I should’ve known something bad was happening to you. Instead, I took you to vandalize. You make me have all these big fucking feelings… bad and good. I want to do better… for you.”

I opened my arms, and he fell into my chest. My hand curled into his hair as he held me back.

“God, I’ve been fighting these feelings that have been growing and growing. It feels like I’m going to explode. It fucking terrifies me because no one’s ever loved me before, not until you. You kissing and holding me without needing to punish me first is like you’re giving me some gift. I want so much more. But now, I’m more terrified that you’ll leave than I am over all these intense emotions. So, this is me trying to be brave for once in my fucking life. To take a leap with you.” With a deep breath, he said, “I love you, too.”

A gasp came out of me, shocked to hear those words from him, and so fucking grateful for them. But a part of me worried he was only placating me because of what I was going through.

Before I could question him or doubt him, he said, “When you first told me how you felt, I nearly ran. That you’ll see how bad I really am and turn your back on me.”

“Never,” I whispered.

“I think I know that now… or I’m trying to. I’ve been so afraid to tell you, but when we were smashing those cars and… you were right by my side on my birthday, the only one who ever had been, I fell hard for you right then.”

“I love you,” I said, kissing his head. For a brief moment, I felt at peace .

We lay together like that until the doctor came in shortly after. Reluctantly, we pulled apart. Blaze sat in a chair as the doctor introduced himself. He casually wore jeans and a tucked-in white polo shirt. He kept his dark blond hair neatly cropped and parted on the side.

The doctor looked way too young to me, but what did I know? At least he looked kind.

“Hello, Jaxon. I’m Jeff Kimmel. I’m the mental health clinician on staff. ”

We shook hands, and he grabbed the stool on wheels to sit on. Then he looked at Blaze. “Would you mind stepping out so I can talk to Jaxon privately?”

“No!” I slapped a hand over my mouth. “Please.”

“These questions I’m going to ask are rather private, Jaxon.”

“I don’t care. Aiden’s already seen me at my worst.”

The doctor nodded, grabbing a clipboard with some paperwork and a pen from the table built into the wall. “Very well. So, you’re here because you’ve been feeling depressed?”

“Yes.”

“This hospital is committed to patient safety. Many things, including medical problems, can cause emotional distress and can lead to thoughts of suicide. Therefore, we are asking all patients a few questions about suicide. Is that all right with you?”

“Are you going to commit me?”

The doctor’s smile was small. “We aren’t going to do anything yet other than assess you. I understand you’re afraid and uncertain right now, but I need you to be fully honest with me. All we want to do is help you and make you feel better. I’m here to ask you suicide risk screening questions. These can be hard things to talk about. Can I continue?”

I wiped my clammy hands on my jeans. “Okay.”

“Have you been wishing you were dead in the past few weeks?”

“Not really. Just some random thoughts, but nothing like I want to die.”

“Thank you, Jaxon,” he said, making some notes.

“In the past few weeks, have you felt like your family and friends would be better off without you? ”

I paused, not wanting to answer him, afraid he’d have me committed no matter what I answered. Blaze grabbed my hand, giving me the strength I desperately needed. “It’s okay. Tell him.”

“I have, yeah.”

“Thank you. In the past few weeks, have you thought about killing yourself?”

“Y-yeah, but just randomly, like I’d be sitting on the rooftop of my building and thinking about how easy it would be to fall, but I didn’t plan to do it.”

“You’re doing great, Jaxon. I know this is really hard, and it’s very brave of you to answer truthfully. Just a few more questions.”

I nodded, saying nothing.

“Have you ever tried to kill yourself?”

“No.”

“Are you having thoughts about killing yourself right now?”

“No.”

“You did really well. I would like to ask you some other questions, if I may.”

“Sure.”

He went on to ask me about when my depression started and determined the level of my depression. That was when Blaze chimed in.

“If I may,” he said, raising his hand. “Uhm, Jaxon was never depressed until several days ago. He’s usually really vibrant and happy with loads of energy, but it wasn’t until a few days before this happened that he was over the top.” Blaze looked at me. “Do you want to tell him what happened? Or me?”

I pulled up my legs and wrapped my arms around them, feeling like I got caught in some fucking crime spree. “You tell him.”

“It’s important you tell me in your own words,” Dr. Kimmel said to me.

I shook my head. “It’s like… I was on drugs or something, though I don’t do drugs… maybe some weed here or there, but nothing that would make me nuts.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“I was so full of this insane energy. I felt amazing. Alive. Happy. But there are moments where things aren’t so clear… like I’m not sure if it really happened or if it was real,” I glanced at Blaze. “The only thing I’m not totally cringing at is telling him I love him. ”

Blaze gave me an oddly shy smile, suddenly blushing.

“But I just had this need to fuck… like a lot. I drove too fast on my bike and crashed it. It’s a wonder I didn’t hurt myself more. God, I ruined my apartment bathroom, trying to renovate it myself, which is fucking stupid since I have no idea how to do that. And I cleaned out my savings account. I’ve got nothing left. Shit… I don’t know where all that energy came from since I’d barely been sleeping at all.”

The doctor made several notes, nodding. “That explains the acute depression. It can also feel doubly worse after feeling so good. I’d like to run another assessment on you if I can for bipolar disorder. I also need to know your family medical history.”

God, I didn’t want to tell him about my mom. He’d probably have me committed forever.

“I know you’re tired, but I want to get an accurate assessment so I can stabilize you with some medications. Then I’ll set you up with some resources to find you a licensed professional counselor for cognitive-behavioral therapy, and you’ll need to have a psychiatrist to give you and maintain your medications.”

For the first time, I felt a sense of hope. “You’re not going to take me away.”

The doctor’s smile was kind and patient. “I don’t think that will be necessary, but I would like you to go to an intensive outpatient program for your suicidal ideations. I don’t feel they are acute enough to warrant a 72-hour hold.”

I breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “Thank fuck.”

“But it’s important that you go, Jaxon. If you have bipolar disorder, as I think you do, this is a lifelong treatment process. Your medications will need to be constantly monitored, you need to continue with therapy to control your triggers, and there will be setbacks. But your coming here shows how important this is to you, even with you being afraid. Many people live healthy lives with bipolar disorder.”

Was that what my mother had? Was that why she’d killed herself?

I rested my head back on my bed. “I’m not sure I can afford all this without insurance.”

The doctor patted my leg. “There are non-profit and state community health programs that will help with that.”

I lifted my head. “Really? ”

“Really. Once we get you sorted out, and you head home, I’d like someone to stay with you for a while. I think it’s best not to stay alone.”

I looked at Blaze, who nodded at me. “I’ll watch over him, doc.”

Dr. Kimmel went on to test if I had bipolar disorder, which he believed I did after his analysis. He went on to give me an IV push for immediate relief with some valium to calm me. Then, he gave me a prescription for mood stabilizers and antidepressants.

When I was stabilized, I felt like I’d been put through a mental and physical wringer. I was fucking exhausted. But oddly, I was also feeling a little better and not so hopeless and disjointed.

I had no idea I’d fallen asleep in the car until Blaze woke me up.

“I need to call my other job… Fuck, how long have I been out of work?”

“Five days,” Blaze said.

“Shit, I guess I’m fired now.”

Alpha parked the car and turned to face me. “Not necessarily. Talk to your boss. I’m sure he’ll understand. If not, we’ll help you find another job. Let’s get you feeling better first.”

“Did the doctor say you can work?” Cueball asked, his face looking strangely emotional and a bit pale. He’d always been hard to read, a mystery, but this was the first time he’d let his walls crack a little.

“Yeah. He said I could.”

“Are you sure the doctor said you didn’t need to be put into an inpatient facility?”

I looked at Cueball and furrowed my brow. “I was worried about that, but he said no.”

“Good, good. While it’s not fun, it’s the safest place for those who have suicidal ideations,” he explained before turning to Blaze. “Keep Ajax close.”

“I will.”

“What’s going on?” I asked Cueball.

“Nothing.”

I was too tired to push, so I dropped it.

All three of them helped me up to my apartment, where I crashed into my bed, dead to the world.