27. Chapter 27

Blaze was curled into me, feeling warm and snuggly. He was the only warm thing in my life right now. The depression still had a stranglehold on me, but at least the grip around my throat was less tight.

Fuck, I was exhausted, like I hadn’t slept in years. Hell, I’d barely slept in months. Now, I struggled to get out of bed. But if I laid here all day, I’d get lost in my taunting thoughts, pushing me down deeper.

Shit, I had to get up. I promised myself I would take those steps by myself. If I was to face my bipolar disorder for the rest of my life, I needed to be able to push myself to stay healthy on my own. I didn’t want anyone holding my hand for the rest of my life. That wasn’t fair to them… or to Aiden, if he stuck it out with me.

At least I had other people to do just that. I’d felt utterly alone, my thoughts bullying me, telling me I wasn’t good enough for love, whether it was from my family or Aiden.

Aiden .

My poor guy was nearly as broken as me. It was going to take a while to get used to not calling him Blaze.

With a sigh, I eased out of bed, careful not to wake him up, but he bolted upright, anyway, with wide eyes and adorably wrecked hair.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?”

I leaned down and kissed the top of his messy head. “I’ve got to get up and get ready to meet the boss. Maybe he’ll even let me work today. I need to make money again.”

I’d thought about calling Barry, but it was better to meet him face-to-face.

Aiden climbed out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen with his hand down his underwear, scratching his cute, pert ass and yawning loudly. “I’ll make us some coffee.”

“That’d be great.”

After I got cleaned up and dressed, I sat at the kitchen table and pulled Aiden onto my lap. If he were still Blaze from before we got along, he would’ve bitched at me. Perhaps he would’ve punched me. Now, he rested his head on my shoulder as I sipped my coffee. Where did this sweet man come from? I loved this version of him. But I liked the old version, too, despite him being a feral fucking pain in the ass. I wouldn’t have fallen for him had I not accepted all of him, faults and all.

“Can we just stay like this all day?” I asked.

Aiden breathed a laugh in my hair. “Nope. You have things to do. I’m not going to be the one holding you back.”

I put my mug on the table, sat him up, and cupped his face with my hand. “I love you. You know that, right? No matter how shitty I feel, or how crazy I get, always know that.”

He nodded, picking at his black painted nails, trying not to look at me. “I know. I love you, too. And don’t fucking say that word. You’re not crazy. Anyway, it’s… really fucking hard to say still, like the words don’t belong in my mouth, but… I feel them.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to say it anymore. I know how you feel now.”

“But I want to.”

I put my hand on his neck and pulled him into a kiss. “I better get out of here before I decide not to go.”

He got off my lap, and I stood to grab my shoes and put them on. “Oh, there’s a spare key in that junk drawer next to the silverware. When you leave, can you lock up?”

“Sure.”

“Will you… be here when I get back?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

After I got my shoes on, I kissed him again. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Call me if you need me for anything .”

“Can’t. No more phone, remember?”

“That’s right. Shit, now I’m going to be stressed out all day. Okay, we need to get you a new one somehow because I’m going to be worried as fuck until you do.”

“I’ll ask Alpha for more help tonight since I plan to work.”

“You’re pushing yourself, Precious.”

“Maybe, but I need to start earning money again. Come here. One more kiss.”

After a quick kiss, I grabbed my board, headed outside, and then skated toward the hardware store. Fuck, I didn’t want to face my boss, if he was even my boss anymore. How could I explain what happened to me enough so that I could keep my job?

When I arrived, I popped- my skateboard and tucked it under my arm before taking a deep breath to build my non-existent confidence. I opened the door and stepped inside the quiet hardware store. No one shopped there this early in the morning, so it was always quiet then.

I headed toward the office and knocked on the closed door.

“ Come in .”

I opened the door to find Barry sitting behind his desk, typing on his ancient computer.

“Hey, Barry. ”

He looked up at me wide-eyed before his brows slammed down. “You’ve got a lot of nerve walking in here after ignoring your job and my calls for days. You do know you’re fired, right?”

My eyes watered, and I took a shuddered breath. I had expected his anger, but my mind was still so raw and sensitive, despite trying not to take it personally. He had a business to run, and I’d failed him.

“I ah… was in the hospital, and my phone is broken.”

Barry leaned back in his creaking office chair and sighed. “Jesus. What happened? Looking closer at you, you seem… different. I can’t pinpoint how or what. You don’t quite look like you.”

“Can I sit?”

He nodded and waved at the chair in front of his desk. I put down my board and sat. “So, the hospital was only a one-day visit… yesterday, but… Ugh, how do I explain this? It’s deeply personal, but you have a right to know. Remember when I’d been a bit chaotic at work and was basically reorganizing everything?”

“Yeah…” he replied carefully, untrusting.

“That was the start of it. I was getting manic… technically, I was hypomanic before full mania took over, which only lasted a few days. Then, I crashed. I was in such a depression, I couldn’t even get out of bed or to bathe.” I rubbed my face with shaking hands. “This is so… personal. God. If it wasn’t for my…” Boyfriend? Friend? Lover? Partner? Aiden and I told each other how we felt, but we hadn’t defined our relationship yet. “My… boyfriend found me and took me to the hospital where I was treated. In fact, I have my first outpatient visit today at four. I have… bipolar disorder. This is the first time I’d had symptoms that I’m aware of, so I had no idea. Maybe I had before, but this was… noticeable enough to send me to the ER. So many people had been calling me, and I ended up smashing my phone against my wall because I was pissed and wanted to be left alone. I’m really sorry. I… understand you want to fire me. It was my fault, but I’m getting treated, and I’m medicated already, but it needs to be monitored. The doctor said I could work because I’ve been stabilized. I’m just asking for another chance. I need this job, and I kinda like working here.”

God, that speech wore me the fuck out. I pulled out a note the doctor signed for me to give to my employer should they ask for it. Barry took it and read it .

“I’m very sorry you’re going through a rough patch, Jaxon. I can’t say I know much about bipolar disorder, but I’ll be sure to research it.”

“Does that mean…?”

“It means that since I haven’t hired anyone to replace you, you can come back. But I can’t have this interfering with work. If you feel the depression coming on again, you need to let me know so I can get other team members on hand to work in your stead.”

I sat up straight and nodded. “You got it. I’ll be here. Thank you so much, Barry.”

“You’re welcome, Jaxon. You’ve always been punctual and a hard worker. I’ve got no complaints until recently.”

“I’ll do my best, I promise.”

“That’s good enough for me.”

I smiled, stood, and shook his hand. “I can work today if you want.”

“That won’t be necessary. You were just in the hospital. Get some rest and come back tomorrow.”

“You got it!”

I left the store, feeling all that pressure off my shoulders. It helped my mood a little despite the heavy feeling of depression still weighing me down. All was not lost.

It was seven at night by the time I got home. I’d gone to Alpha’s, who refused to let me work tonight and told me not to worry. We argued back and forth because I felt fine enough to work, and I really needed the money. Alpha said he’d help me out for the next week, and then he’d think about allowing me back to work. My mental health was more important to him.

At least he had a spare phone for me. It was old and needed charging, but I could put my SIM card in it and hopefully get it to work. Then, I could save up money for a new one.

How did I deserve such amazing people in my life? Because I cared deeply about them, it made it all the more scary that I’d lose them one day .

My apartment was filled with the scent of chicken, garlic, and onion, making my stomach growl. When did I eat last? Did I even eat? I’d forgotten, losing track. God, Aiden would have my head if he learned I hadn’t eaten one bite. That right there made me smile.

The sight of him cooking and caring for me filled me with such a profound sense of love. And it also filled me with despair and fear, especially after what I’d learned today about having a relationship with bipolar disorder. I had decisions to make, ones I didn’t want to think about yet, but I needed to consider Aiden’s life, too.

“Hey,” I said.

He turned to me and smiled. “Hey! Dinner’s almost ready. Would you believe it? I made fucking soup. Soup! I’ve never made that shit in my life, and it’s from scratch. I needed to look up the recipe, but I think it tastes okay.”

I wrapped my arms around him from behind, looking over his shoulder as he stirred. “Best boyfriend ever. Smells great.”

“B-boyfriend?”

“Yeah, boyfriend. Is that okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah… More than okay. So, how’d it go?”

“Good, I got to keep my job, which is cool.”

“Congratulations, Precious.”

“The Intensive Outpatient Program thing was… intensive. If I hadn’t had any suicidal ideations or Mom hadn’t taken her life, maybe I wouldn’t have been forced to go, but I did. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow with a therapist and one with a psychiatrist for the meds. They’re both in the same building, so that’s easy, at least.”

He turned to face me and rested his hands on my chest. “It’s a relief you’re getting all this help and that the state helps pay for it. I’m proud of you for going and being so strong to do it on your own.”

“Thanks, baby. You give me a reason, too. That and I don’t want to end up like my mother.”

He visibly shuddered. “No, we don’t.”

After dinner, we were curled up in bed, watching TV again. I was fucking stuffed. Aiden made me eat my entire bowl of soup and two slices of bread with butter. It helped that the soup was fucking good. Aiden surprised me at every turn.

But now that we were settled in, it was time to talk.

God, I was so tired and would rather curl up to sleep for a year with Aiden in my arms, but this was too damn important, especially since he had his own special needs.

I sat up, crossed my legs, and rubbed my face. “Baby? I think there are some things we should talk about now that I’ve gotten some help.”

Aiden turned off the TV and sat across from me, seemingly so eager to listen to me. God, what a night and day difference he was. No. We had both changed dramatically in such a short time.

“Yeah, sure.”

I took his hands in mine. “We need to talk about us.”

He visibly swallowed and nodded, saying nothing.

“I’m worried about us.”

His body tensed, and he tried to pull his hand away, but I wouldn’t let him withdraw from me.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“The therapist made it clear that having a relationship with someone like me isn’t going to be easy.”

“What do you mean ?” he said again, more firmly.

“I mean… As much as it fucking kills me, I want to give you an out. Life with me is going to be a rough road.”

He shook his head so fast it messed up his hair. “No. Nope. Not leaving. Don’t care.”

“Will you listen to me first?”

“No, not if you’re going to fucking make me leave.”

“God, I don’t want you to. But I also don’t want you struggling with my mental health issues.”

“Good, then we’re settled. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Aiden, listen to me. My libido is pretty much fried right now, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get back to normal. I’m not going to be able to help you when you need me… at least not until I get better. ”

Aiden literally growled at me, yanking his hands out of mine to wave around. “It doesn’t fucking matter! Looking back on everything—and I’ve had a lot of time to think lately—I realize it wasn’t this need to be controlled or submissive I had. I tried to find love, acceptance, and attention the wrong way. I realize now that it wasn’t healthy. So, even if we don’t have sex, I am still getting what I need from you. I feel really good about this, Jaxon. That doesn’t mean I don’t want those things. I do. But we can fuck whenever you’re better. When you do, we can go back to making a video and posting it or even go live. Or we can simply make love again. If you don’t want to do any of that, I’m fine with that, too. I don’t care! Just don’t make me leave you because I won’t fucking do it. End of goddamn story!”

God, it didn’t take much to make me tear up lately. His speech meant so much to me, but this wasn’t only about my lack of a sex drive.

“Don’t push this, Jaxon,” he warned, sensing my ‘ but. ’

“It’s not only my libido, baby. When I’m manic, the likelihood that I’ll cheat on you is really high. Like the last time, my sex drive was over the roof. I was ready to literally fuck anything. I’ll be impulsive, act without morals, or even care at all about anyone other than to keep getting my fix like some fucking drug addict. Last time, I remembered feeling so good.”

“Nope. You won’t because you came to me last time. You fucked the hell out of me, not anyone else. You didn’t cheat or fuck anyone else. You came to me .”

“I fucking hurt you… bit you!”

“Get over it! We’ve already dealt with that.”

“Aiden. I don’t trust myself.”

“Then… I’ll just fucking forgive you.”

I grabbed his face hard and pressed my nose into his throat to stifle a sob. “I can’t ask that of you, baby.”

He gripped me back, clawing my shoulders. “You can and you will, dammit! When you come down, you’ll remember that you love me.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to take the guilt.”

“You’ll do it for me because I’ll do it for you. But it doesn’t matter because you won’t do it. I’ll pay attention. When I notice you getting manic, since I’ve experienced it firsthand now, I’ll recognize it. I’ll let you fuck me over and over and over. Bite me. Claw at me. I don’t care. You can use me any way you want. And you will, because I know you won’t cheat on me. We’ll keep getting you to the doctor, dealing with triggers, and keep monitoring your meds. We can do this, and we will fucking do it together .”

I sobbed again, clinging to him so he wouldn’t leave, yet wanting him to run away as fast as possible.

“I’m not fucking going anywhere. Understood?” he insisted.

“Yeah…”

“Good. Then we agree. You’re stuck with my stubborn ass. And I’m stuck with yours.”