Chapter 20

20

S iasia stood at the window, the dim light of dusk seeping through the curtains, casting shadows that danced across the room like her swirling emotions. Days blurred into nights, and the relentless passage of time felt like a cruel joke as she struggled to find her footing in a world that had suddenly become so foreign. The weight of her grief pressed down on her chest, making it hard to breathe, each inhale a reminder of the void her mother had left behind.

As she gazed out, the vibrant colors of the sunset felt like a mocking reminder of the joy that had been stripped away. She thought of the countless conversations they would never have, the words left unspoken hanging heavily in the air. Siasia clenched her fists, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over. It was a battle she fought daily, trying to be strong for Noodle, but inside, she felt like a ship lost at sea, tossed by waves of sorrow and longing.

The whispers of society echoed in her mind, telling her she had no right to grieve a mother who had been deemed unworthy, but Siasia's heart rebelled against those judgments. She knew the truth—the love Cynthia had given was flawed yet fierce, shaped by her own struggles and the weight of a world that had told her she needed a man to be whole.

In defiance, Siasia whispered to the empty room, “You don’t understand.” Her voice trembled with the intensity of her love and loss, as she wrapped her arms around herself, seeking comfort in the memories that lingered like ghosts in the corners of her mind.

The trailer that she hated was now gone so she’d found refuge in Qamar’s spacious apartment. It was weird because all she wanted was to go back into the two-by-two single wide trailer and share a room with Noodle.

She wanted to wake up and see her mother sitting in the living in a daze while the local news watched her. She’d go back to all of the things she so desperately wanted to leave if she could. However, life and death didn’t work that way and the way God had been snatching any and everything away from her, she knew she couldn’t ask Him for a miracle.

Her first professional shoot turned out beautifully. Too bad she couldn’t celebrate it. All of her emotions and thoughts were with her mother.

“Oh, God,” Siasia cried out, grief swallowing her whole. “Please,” she begged. “Just give me a break.” Her hoarse voice came out in a whisper.

Cynthia’s homegoing service was beautiful thanks to Qamar. He spared no expense when it came to laying her mother to rest. She’d forever be indebted to him for all of the love and patience he’d shown to her during the hardest part of her life. Despite his own hardships, he gave her all of him the best way he knew how. He took care of Noodle during the day and her at night. He was truly a godsend. In her mind, it was the least God could do when he was dead set on giving her a hard time in every other aspect of her life.

They said He gave His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, but that couldn’t have been true. Siasia’s flesh was weak—had been weak all of her life. Whatever strength He thought was there, He had clearly misread.

The sound of keys jingling in the door made Siasia wipe her face and take a seat on the couch. She didn’t want Noodle to see her in distress.

“Is she sad?” she heard Esmeray’s voice that was too old for her.

“Yes, baby. That’s why we have to be quiet and really nice,” Malaysia cooed in a low tone.

Siasia chuckled, lightly.

“I’m always nice, Mama,” Esmeray lied. She was hardly ever nice and reserved all of her nice qualities for her father, granny, grandpa, and Noodle. Anyone else, good luck.

“These the groceries y’all went to get?” Siasia joked. Qamar and Noodle were supposed to be going out to restock the house but clearly that had been a fabrication since they come back with Malaysia and Esmeray and no groceries.

Qamar stood with a goofy grin on his handsome face. Noodle sat beside her, laying her head on her shoulder while Esmeray curled up into Siasia’s lap like a kitten. Siasia’s heart swelled from the feel of their warmth encompassing her. When Malaysia sat on the opposite side of her, she wrapped her arms around Siasia, opening the floodgates she’d tried so hard to keep closed when her sister was around.

“We got you,” Malaysia assured, wiping away at her own tears. She was a crier. When people around her shed tears, so did she.

Qamar stood, just taking the image in. It was beautiful. Beautiful brown girls sharing a moment and allowing each other to cry. The four of his girls sat in a comforting silence. He pulled out his phone to snap a few pictures because the sight was worthy of remembrance. There was only one thing missing—his Belinay. Janay was still being petty by keeping her away no matter how much he begged for her. She was playing a dangerous game since another man in his situation would take it as a sign to bow out. However, he stood on his word and would be in Belinay’s life.

Thinking about his baby, he shot Janay a text asking her to drop the baby off. Now that he was a father to two, having one child without the other didn’t sit right with him.

Text bubbles popped up before disappearing again. Janay knew how to irk his damn nerves.

Qamar gave one last glance at his girls before deciding to take a nap. He had been tired since the funeral and that was almost two weeks ago.

“Y’all good?” he asked before he walked away.

Siasia forced a thin smile. “Mhm.”

“I got them, go get some sleep,” Malaysia assured.

Before he walked away, Qamar lingered for a moment, his heart heavy with the weight of unspoken words. He turned back, allowing his gaze to lock onto Siasia’s, drawing her attention as if by an invisible thread. Her sad, slanted eyes reflected a world of pain and loss, mirroring the anguish that twisted in his own chest. In that fleeting moment, he wished desperately to take away her suffering, to somehow lighten the burden she carried so silently.

If he could speed up her healing process, he would have done anything—moved mountains, crossed oceans, or even faced the fiercest storms. Grief was a complex tapestry, woven with threads of love and sorrow, and he knew that no matter how much he longed to carry her pain, it was something she had to navigate alone. Instead, he resolved to be her steadfast support, a shoulder for her to lean on when the weight of her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. He would stand by her side, ready to catch her when she faltered, offering solace in the silence that enveloped them both. As he turned to leave, the unspoken promise hung in the air, a vow of unwavering presence in the midst of her turmoil.

Qamar must’ve been more tired than he thought. As his eyes opened, he realized he wasn’t in the bed by himself anymore. Siasia was tucked to his right, while Esmeray was curled into his left. Noodle was sprawled out beside Siasia. How the four of them fit in his king-sized bed was a mystery and he’d have it no other way. Doing his best not to wake them, he maneuvered out of the bed and grabbed his phone off the nightstand. He had at least fifty missed calls and a dozen unread text messages. At the time, only Janay’s message mattered.

Reading her text, he sighed a sigh of relief seeing she agreed to bring Belinay over when she got out of class and picked her up from daycare. Next, he went to his mama’s text thread. The most recent message had a video attached. Clicking on the link, his heart sank at what was displayed on the screen. The Arkansas Arrows had rescinded his draft offer when they hadn’t even made it public from the jump.

“While we recognize Qamar's talent on the field, we must also consider the impact of his behavior off the field. The Arkansas Arrows are committed to fostering a positive environment for our players, fans, and families. We believe that every player should embody the ideals of respect, integrity, and sportsmanship.”

He took a deep breath, his expression firm. “Therefore, we have made the difficult decision not to draft Qamar. We wish him the best in his future endeavors, but we cannot align ourselves with actions that do not reflect our morals and beliefs as a franchise.”

The weight of the news crashed down on him, a stark contrast to the warmth of the bodies in his bed. He felt a mix of anger and disbelief, the kind that churned in his stomach like a storm brewing on the horizon. How could they pull such a move? He had worked tirelessly, sacrificed so much, and now it felt like everything was slipping through his fingers.

Of course God wasn’t done with him—Janay’s loud mouth echoed through the house creating a pit in his stomach while pushing the devasting blow of his career to the back of his mind. Qamar scampered down the hall, making use of his long legs.

“Lower your fuckin’ voice,” Malaysia gritted, her lips twisted in annoyance.

Janay shook her head. “Girl, fuck you and whoever sleeping in here. Like, why would he tell me to bring my baby over here knowing I don’t want her around that girl.” She huffed.

“You really need to get over yourself, Janay. That boy don’t want you but he wants to be a good father, just give him some slack.”

“She ain’t gone do that ‘cause she selfish,” Qamar spoke up, bringing three set of eyes to his shirtless body.

Belinay blew spit bubbles at the sight of her daddy.

“Hey, my baby.” He walked up, not giving a damn about Janay’s mug on her face.

Tired of doing the parent thing on her own, Janay didn’t put up a fight when he grabbed Belinay out of her arms.

“You getting so chunky, Ma-Ma,” Qamar cooed, kissing all over her face while she slobbered on his.

Malaysia pursed her lips with her hand on her hips. “And to think you was really trying to keep him from his daughter.”

Janay glared at her, rolling her eyes. “Excuse me if I don’t want to be a sister wife.”

“As if you could,” Malaysia sassed, turning back to the food she’d been cooking when Janay first knocked on the door.

Instead of going back and forth with her, Janay crossed her legs and grabbed the remote control. As soon as she turned the TV on, her mouth dropped.

“Breaking news, the country’s most promising collegiate soccer player seems to be taking hit after hit. The Arrows announced today they would not be offering him a spot on the team. This news comes after Lynn Beach University dropped him from the roster. I mean, I don’t know, Steve—do you think the league should allow this once in a lifetime talent to slip through the cracks because of some locker room brawl?” Kimmy asked her cohost.

“We know what this is really about. I have a buddy up there at Lynn Beach and he’s saying its more to the story than that. All I know is, someone better pick this young man up if they want a championship team for the next decade.” Steve cuffed his hands on top of the desk before sitting back in his seat like he’d said all that needed to be said.

The room fell into a suffocating silence, so intense that you could almost hear a pin drop. With Belinay cradled in his arms, Qamar leaned his head back against the plush cushion of the sectional, the weight of the world pressing down on him. An exasperated sigh escaped his lips, a sound heavy with the burdens he carried. The tension coiled in his neck and tightened around the back of his head, a physical manifestation of the chaos swirling in his life.

“Qamar,” Siasia hummed, her voice laced with the familiarity of having heard the entire segment before the hosts awkwardly switched topics.

Janay huffed, rolling her eyes dramatically. “If it isn’t the other sister wife.”

“Shut the fuck up, Janay!” Qamar snapped, frustration boiling over as he was fed up with her relentless mouth and antics. He just needed a moment of peace, but of course, she wouldn’t be the one to ease up, as if he didn’t deserve just a little grace.

To add onto the intense moment, the sound of his phone ringing added to the chaos that his life had turned into over the last few years.

“Fuck!” He gripped his forehead.

Malaysia came around the island in the kitchen with her hands out to receive Belinay. “Here, hand her to me.”

“Um, her mama right here.” Janay waved her hand in the air.

Malysia chewed on her lip, trying to stop every disrespectful word she wanted to spew. “If you wanted her, you would’ve got her. You too busy worried about the wrong shit, though.”

Shooing her away, Janay leaned back before crossing her legs.

“Qamar,” Siasia called out to him again. “I know you say it ain’t my fault but I can’t help but think it is. Like, before me, your life was just fine.”

“It wasn’t though, mama.”

Janay kissed her teeth.

Qamar wrapped his arms around her, feeling the peace only she could bring him. Siasia had no idea how much his heart had expanded since he laid eyes on her. She didn’t understand how with her, his self-doubt vanished. She made him believe he could be the man everyone thought he could be. One look at her and his soul was fed, his heart beat harder, his mind grew stronger. Qamar had no doubt that he could be everything Siasia needed. Imposter syndrome didn’t dwell in the space between them. It was just them floating in the stars. Beyond the stars, if she truly decided to let go.

“What God has for me, I believe is for me and mama, he ain’t done with me. Or you.” The huskiness she loved lingered in his voice. His eyes were compelling and magnetic.

She traced the outline of his face with her eyes, wishing on a star that if God gave her a son, he’d look just like Qamar with superpower eyes and a big and loving heart to match. Of course, she wanted him to have the physical attributes of Qamar but it was the inside she wanted for him the most.

Beauty was definitely in the eyes of the beholder. But beauty that ran skin deep was that of the maker. Fluid and free.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, swiping his thumb over her juicy lips that he loved so much. “Tell me you trust me,” his tone husky and low, creating a world where only they existed. Qamar, Siasia, Noodle, Esmeray, and Belinay.

He no longer had to make the lineup clear to her.

Siasia knew.

She felt it when he wrapped his arms around her every night.

“I trust you,” she confessed.

Amidst the turmoil enveloping both Qamar and Siasia, there was a flicker of hope; God was in the process of wiping their slates clean. He was preparing them for a fresh start, needing their palates cleared for the abundance he was about to bestow. He wanted their bellies empty and their minds hungry, ready to embrace the new beginnings that awaited them.

A serene feeling washed over her. “With our life.”

Janay wiped at a tear that fell while she eavesdropped on their private conversation. It hurt her soul to hear Qamar talk to Siasia the way he spoke to her. He was gentle and reassuring. All the things he’d never been to her. Their relationship wasn’t toxic or filled with disrespect either but he’d never been so soft with her. It was like for the first time, Janay was witnessing she’d never own Qamar’s heart. Looking over her shoulder, she locked eyes with Malaysia, who for the first time seemed to be sympathetic for her.

Janay eased off the couch in hopes of Qamar or Siasia seeing her tawny face lightly covered in tears. Sniffing, she made her way to Malaysia who had rocked Belinay to sleep by rocking her body in a smooth pattern.

“I got her.” Malaysia forced a tiny smile.

With a curt head nod, Janay thanked her after placing her diaper bag on the island in the kitchen, damn near running out of the apartment. She needed to clear her head and some fresh air.