21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Xavier

I t was weird, being around people that knew exactly who I was and how I'd gotten here… and didn't care. As much as I hated the thought of it, I'd expected I would always have to masquerade under some kind of new alias if I wanted to venture out into the world again.

Hell, in the days I'd spent at his condo, I'd talked myself around to the concept of taking up Marshall's name. It wasn't exactly my favorite idea in the world, and I sure as shit wasn't going to let Axel use it… but it would probably be easier than trying to get a bulletproof new identity if I wanted to go back to work. The problem with being in the business of death was that the people who hired you had pockets deep enough to pay you.

That meant they had pockets deep enough to see exactly what they were paying for.

Around Kade and Seth, I didn't have to worry about being anyone other than myself… and even if Kade was still just as standoffish as before—maybe a little more so every time I caught him glaring at me—Seth seemed genuinely happy to be here. He kept searching me out, even though I could have told him Axel was definitely the one who was more like him when it came to being a good person.

Because Seth was a good person.

Any time I asked him a question, he was more than happy to volunteer the information. I knew they'd gone after Nathaniel West in Paris, but only managed to shut down another one of his facility sites. They'd just missed killing the man who was now making my life hell.

Seth had already made up his mind that Axel and I were people he could trust, even though everyone else in the house was trying to figure out exactly how far this alliance could go.

He'd been the one who insisted they stay in the area, and he'd been the one who accepted Axel's almost reluctant invitation of a room to stay in while they were here. I had a feeling Axel had only done it because we both knew if anyone was going to make sure no one from the facility got anywhere close to the house, it would be Kade.

Not for my sake, obviously.

He kept Seth tucked to his side most of the time, and when he didn't, the threat of death clearly written across his face any time he looked at me was more than enough to let me know I'd be carved nerve by nerve if I hurt the smaller man.

I had a feeling it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good to remind him again that I had nothing to do with whatever Marshall had or hadn't done to them before—that I couldn't even remember that life and what he'd done to get on Kade's shit list. Whatever it was, it didn't bleed over into the muscle memories that he'd left me behind, so clearly trying to kill Seth wasn't deeply ingrained in his thoughts and feelings.

At least I'd finally gotten to meet the reason I was in this mess to begin with. They were the people Marshall had been trying to save—well, at least Seth was. Jayce was obviously no longer in the equation. It shouldn't have made me feel better, seeing the way Kade moved like his own person, the way he was here and real the same way I was.

If there was any part of the lab rat left in me, I might have felt bad knowing a psychopath had replaced what was probably a normal college student—Marshall had felt bad about it. I was just jealous that Kade had found a body that looked so much like the one he'd been in before. Fuck, he was actually a little bigger than he'd been… either that, or Marshall was just so short that I couldn't tell the difference.

It took a few days of nothing happening, listening to bits and pieces of conversation and the story of how Seth and Kade had just gotten back from burning a building down in Paris, before I finally caved and invited the smaller man to come and look at the information on the flash drive.

I'd been on the fence, but it was obvious that I wasn't going to give them any information that they didn't already have an idea of… and if there was anything on the damn thing we could use to our advantage, they might be able to spot it better than I could.

In the end, it just turned into Seth flipping through the files with his brows knit together and his lower lip caught between his teeth. The majority of the information was on the components of the drugs they'd pumped us all full of, on the before of the experiment with Seth and Jayce… The rest of the files were encrypted or locked behind a password that the muscle memory Marshall left me with didn't know how to unlock. The few bits we could access were about reincarnation.

It made me wonder if Marshall had created the passwords before he died, or if he'd grabbed information that even he didn't have access to in hopes that he'd be able to crack it later.

The only thing showing Seth the file did was make him glance at me with a guilty expression.

"Marshall really was just trying to do the right thing, wasn't he?"

He was. Trying to do the right thing had gotten him killed—had brought me here. His mistake.

"It doesn't really matter, does it? He's gone now."

Seth looked down at his hands with a miserable expression. "I can remember how it felt to put the needle into him, you know? How it felt to knock him to the ground. I remember his expression. He looked… hurt." Seth shook his head. "Not physically, though there was that. He looked devastated that Clay tried to kill him… I mean, I guess he succeeded, right?"

Was I supposed to comfort him? I didn't know how to do it without being completely insincere.

"I don't think he would have held it against you, Seth. It wasn't like you were the one who did it, anyway." I still didn't know much about Clay, though I'd heard them say his name a few times now. I'd managed to keep my curiosity at bay for the most part. "He was a killer, right? So he was just following instincts."

"Clay was…" Seth paused, but only for a second. "Complicated. I'm sure he thought he was doing the right thing. Honestly, if he hadn't done it, I'm sure Kade would have just put a bullet in Marshall's head. So…"

The thought struck me suddenly, and I didn't like how it twisted in my chest. I couldn't imagine a world where any chance I might have had to come back was snuffed out. I couldn't imagine not being here with Axel now, not being with him.

But it could have been that simple—Kade could have shot Marshall instead of Clay giving him the drug, and I wouldn't have been here.

"Whether you feel guilty about it or not, I'm glad Clay was the one steering." I couldn't even try to sound sympathetic.

"Yeah, I guess it all happened for a reason. Two people who were always meant to find each other." He glanced over at Axel and Kade where they stood in the kitchen—Kade was bent over a gun that he was cleaning with meticulous care, and I was pretty sure Axel was explaining something about the way the design had changed since Kade had last been alive. "I wonder if everyone is always so lucky."

"I doubt it." I wasn't sure whether he was looking for a response, but I gave one anyway. "And honestly, I'm sure that facility didn't do it to be some kind of magical reincarnation matchmaking service. Though, they'd probably play straight into it if they thought it would make them money."

"They aren't going to play into anything by the time we're finished with them." Seth's tone took on steely determination, and I saw his entire demeanor change. For just a second, I could see the remnants of the dangerous man who he'd apparently coexisted with for a while. The posture, the expression… the way his fists clenched and unclenched like he was resisting the urge to grab a weapon. Just as quickly as it came over him, it faded as Kade walked into the room.

"What's got you so tense?"

How could he sound like he was threatening me even though he was looking at Seth and asking him a question? I could hear it in his tone, though. I could see it when his hand ran absentmindedly along his hip where I knew he had a knife strapped.

"Nothing. Xavier was just showing me the files Marshall took from the facility."

"Anything helpful?"

"Not really. A lot of it is encrypted. It just made me realize how much I want to find Nathaniel West and make sure he can never hurt anyone again."

Kade frowned.

"Are you getting clever ideas, Seth?"

"No, I wouldn't know where to start. That doesn't mean that I don't wish I could go after him and personally set his entire building on fire for everything he's done and everyone he's hurt." It was strange, hearing that venom come out of Seth's mouth in his sweet, soft tone. But I could tell he meant it.

And I could tell exactly how much Kade hated the thought of it by the way he stepped forward and loomed over the smaller man.

"Just because you sometimes have the reflexes of an assassin doesn't mean you're going anywhere near anyone that has anything to do with Nathaniel West. Do you understand? If you try, I'll hunt you down and make you wish I hadn't found you."

I'd never heard a threat that so clearly involved bodily harm sound so sexual before. And I'd definitely never seen someone's body react to said threat in such a visceral and obviously positive way.

"I wouldn't go without you. You promised to burn it all down for me, remember?"

Kade once again either forgot that I was standing there or he didn't care. He shifted forward and stroked his fingers through Seth's curls before using them to yank his head back.

"And I always keep my promises. Remember that."

Still a threat.

Still definitely a threat.

That didn't stop Seth from moaning into his mouth when he kissed him so thoroughly that I had to avert my gaze.

"Jesus Christ," I muttered as Kade trailed back to the kitchen after glancing at Seth one last time.

Seth's cheeks were flushed, his lower lip red and slightly swollen, but he was looking after the bigger man like he was the sky and every star that existed was somewhere in his eyes.

"You don't look like you have the reflexes of an assassin. And it sounded like he was threatening to torture you, in case you didn't pick that up."

"Oh," Seth said faintly, and the blush on his cheeks went darker. "I caught it."

"You just… don't care?" Not that I was really one to judge when it came to sexual practices. Maybe it was just seeing the way Kade worked, the way he was so different, but definitely the same. "Wait, don't answer that. Just… damn. He's still just as scary as he was before."

"I mean, Kade started out wanting to kill me because he thought I was the guy who seduced him, then betrayed him. I'd say we've come a long way," Seth muttered in my ear, and the sudden jolt of memory that tore through me was nearly enough to make me dizzy.

Stop it, Axel. I betrayed you. Don't you get that?

Yeah, I get it. I just don't fucking care. I love you.

I loved him, too. I was pretty sure I'd loved him from the first second I'd opened my eyes and seen him standing over me when he could have just killed me.

When he should have just killed me.

I'd been sent there to betray him, to seduce him, to gain his trust and client list, then kill him.

And instead, I'd fallen in love.

Fuck , the revelation was so quick and so sudden that I didn't have time to pry into what Seth was saying about the man who'd been clever enough to seduce Kade Neil. My eyes drifted to Axel standing in the kitchen, and it only took him a second to realize I was staring.

He could feel me there just as much as I could feel him.

Just as much as I'd always been able to feel him.

Because in the end, I'd betrayed everything that I was, every bit of integrity that I had to be with him, hadn't I?

And I was happy to do it.

It took him less than a second to realize something was going on, and he turned from Kade who was settling back down at the table and trailed into the living room. At least Seth seemed to realize I wasn't paying attention to him anymore, because he had the wherewithal to politely excuse himself when Axel stopped in front of me.

"What's wrong?"

"Did you tell me you loved me for the first time after you realized I'd been sent to betray you?"

The question came out more blunt than I meant for it to, but what else was I supposed to do? I knew it was true, but he needed to know that I knew. Remembering these things was giving me back bits of us that my fucked up brain was holding back from him.

I wanted him to have it all, to have all of us.

All of me.

All of the man I used to be.

There was no reason for it, no good explanation. He was happy with having any of me… but it had to be all or nothing. I needed that.

"You told me you were supposed to—"

"You caught me. You caught me talking to a contact and lying about it, and you confronted me about it over dinner. And I…" I almost couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth, because they certainly didn't sound like the man I could remember. Not like the Xavier who'd worked so carefully and efficiently for so long. "I confessed. I told you the truth, then I pulled a gun on you. I wanted to kill you."

Axel's expression went soft.

"You didn't really."

"No, you're wrong. I really wanted to want to." And it was true. I'd realized then that I was losing myself—that I'd already lost myself to him. That killing him then and there was the last chance I'd ever have to get myself back.

"You didn't, though."

He was right. I didn't.