5. Annie

ANNIE

June 2011 - Annie is 15, Sam is 16

I pick up and put down my phone three times before I type out a text to Sam. I set my phone down before hitting send, hop off of my bed, and pace my small bedroom. I don't know how much longer I can take sitting in my room. My mom just started dating a new guy who's at our house all the time. Which I guess would be fine if Mom was here too, but she's out with friends today so it's just me and the boyfriend who gives me creepy vibes.

It's not exactly an ideal afternoon. But Emily's out of town and Noah's at work. I think Sam is home, since his truck is in his driveway, but he and I haven't ever hung out alone before. We're always with Noah, Emily, or one of Sam's sisters.

I grab my phone and send the text before I can lose my nerve.

Me

Can I come over today? I need to get out of the house.

We're friends. Friends hang out. It shouldn't feel like a big thing, but I feel weird, texting only Sam and not having Noah around. That's the only reason.

He texts me back almost right away.

Sam

Sure! I'm not doing anything though.

I'll be over in five. And that's fine.

I busy my mind by grabbing one of my canvas bags and look around the room to find something I can put in there. My gaze lands on the two cookbooks I just got from the library yesterday and Little Women, the book I've been reading again this week. I stuff them both in my bag, reassuring myself I'll feel more comfortable reading at Sam's house than staying here with Mom's creepy boyfriend.

I open my bedroom door slowly, because I don't want to talk to the boyfriend if I can help it. The TV is blasting at full volume and I breathe a sigh of relief. I quietly shut my bedroom door and tiptoe down the hallway and slip out the back door.

The summer air is hot and a little muggy, and just like usual, it smells like cows. It always smells like cows here on summer afternoons. I take in a big, stinky breath before walking across our weed-filled yard and into Sam's perfectly manicured yard. I've seen his mom and sisters working out in their garden in the mornings and wonder what it would be like to have a mom who cared about anything but herself.

I walk to the back of the house where Sam's room is and I tap on the window. He is lying on his bed with headphones in. He pulls them out and he hops up, looking at me in surprise. Because I probably should have gone to the front door like a normal person. He slides the window open and pops out the screen.

"Hey," I say normally, as if me crawling through his bedroom window is a normal occurrence. But this is so different from our normal.

"Noah working today?" he asks and I nod. When Noah has been at work this summer, I've spent my time hanging out with Sam—but always with one of his younger sisters. Amelia is twelve and Jodi is seven, so generally we play board games with them, but it's never been just the two of us.

"I was just watching some videos on YouTube about guys who travel and make videos about it," he says as he plops down on one side of the bed. I cautiously sit on the other, since his queen bed takes up most of the room and there is nowhere else to sit. I've never been alone with him in his room before, let alone on his bed.

I glance at the closed door. "Will your parents care that I'm in here?"

He shakes his head, "Probably not. Plus, everyone's at the farm today. Amelia and Jodi wanted to go see what Dad does all day so Mom made a day trip out of it."

"And you didn't want to go?" I ask.

"Nah, farming is not really my thing. This though," he holds up his iPod. "This could be my thing."

"You're totally going to travel someday." I grin at him, relaxing a bit even though we're alone in the house. He feels like a giant teddy bear that would never hurt a fly, and I can already feel my heart rate slowing from being so nervous at home. I can't quite put a finger on why Mom's boyfriend gives me the creeps, but I know I need to trust my gut—and it is telling me not to spend another day alone in the house with him.

"I can see it now, Sam Holland, world traveler." I put out my hands as if there's a banner in front of me with the words.

"That would be cool," he laughs. "Though I might have to come up with a different YouTube channel name because world traveler doesn't seem that exciting."

I shrug. "I didn't say I was any good at coming up with creative things."

"Unless it's food." His eyes seem to sparkle as they meet mine.

"Unless it's food," I agree. "And speaking of food." I pull out the two cookbooks that I brought to flip through. "I've been learning about Italian food lately. I think I'm going to try and make my own pasta sometime soon."

"Very cool," he says, and then he puts one of his earbuds in and looks down at his iPod Touch. We fall into a comfortable silence.

I read one of the cookbooks, studying the recipes that sound interesting and trying to soak in all the techniques I can without actually doing them. It's quiet and I feel content as I sit beside him on the bed. And it's better than wondering if Mom's boyfriend is going to try and talk to me or watch me like he always does which makes my skin crawl.

I head home about fifteen minutes before Noah gets home from work, and when he asks me about my day, I tell him I spent most of the afternoon reading, which isn't a lie. But it feels like I'm keeping a secret.

Me

Mom's new boyfriend makes me uncomfortable.

I slide my phone back into my pocket before Mom or her creepy boyfriend notices I have it out at the dinner table.

"You should get a job, Anne." The boyfriend grunts in my direction. I refuse to call him by his name, even in my head. He's been bugging me all summer to get a job and I don't know how many more times I can have this conversation.

"It's Annie," I say through clenched teeth as I take a bite of the pizza mom ordered for dinner. Noah is at work—he works as a clerk at the grocery store to help Mom pay the rent because she never has money or a job. "I'm only fifteen, and school starts in two weeks."

I am counting down the days until school starts again. Mom and her boyfriend don't seem to do much except stay home and do who knows what all day long. Noah has been working more, which tells me he doesn't like this boyfriend either, and I've been hanging out with Sam.

My phone vibrates in my pocket but neither of the adults notices. Thankfully. If they did, it would probably be another thing to yell at me about. Instead, they are busy glaring at me about not wanting to get a job. I wish I'd had a part-time job over the summer, to at least get me out of the house. But I don't want all of my money to go to Mom and her boyfriend's drinking habits.

"You need to help your mom out with some of the things around the house now," Mom's boyfriend says and I suppress a shiver as his dark, dim eyes bore into mine. He's some sort of slimy salesman and while I don't like him, he must be a good salesperson, if Mom is dating him. He also must have some sort of money since that's the only type of man she seems to go for these days. Then she'll complain to them about how hard it is to work and how she wishes her teenage children would do more while she sits around and does nothing. It makes me wonder why he wants Noah and I to take care of Mom, and if he's got money, why do they even hang out here? But for reasons I'll never understand, Mom always dates men like this, and they always seem to stick around.

Longer than I would if I was dating someone like my mom.

I barely hold in an eye roll as I look away. Minus tonight, I've made dinner for myself and the two of them every night this summer while Mom sits on the couch and does nothing. The only reason I do it is so I can learn how to be a better cook. I want to be a chef when I get out of here. I can't devour the cookbooks they have at the library fast enough. I want to learn everything I can about food and cooking helps with that. Someday, I'll be a chef and I'll never have to come back to this house again.

"Just think about it, sweetie," Mom says in her soft, over-motherly voice she uses when she has a newer boyfriend. This one has only been around for two months and is already acting like he runs the place.

He also tried to get into my room last night. I was up reading so I wasn't asleep yet and I heard him swear after he found my door locked. I have a feeling that he'll try again tonight, and he could easily get through my lock. But I'm not taking any chances. I'm not sleeping at home. Emily is out of town—again, her family has been traveling so much this summer—but I have another plan.

I ask to be excused and Mom says yes while her boyfriend tells her I have no manners. I put my dishes in the sink and head down the hall into my room. Locking the door behind me, I quietly shift my dresser to block the door. Now all I have to do is wait until Mom and the creepy idiot she picked go to bed or get drunk enough that they won't notice when I open my window to sneak out.

There's a reply from Sam when I pull out my phone.

Sam

Do you want me to come over?

No. But I can't stay here tonight. It's a big ask, but could I stay with you?

My window will be open. Just tap once and I'll let you in.

He is risking a lot by doing this for me. I can't imagine his parents would react well to know he's inviting a girl into his bedroom while they're asleep. But it's my only option tonight.

Thanks. I have to wait till Mom is asleep, my window creaks too much.

I'll be awake.

I pace my room, since reading a book will just be a distraction and I'll lose track of time. I don't want to keep Sam up too late if I can help it. It's around ten when I finally hear Mom giggling as they walk past my room and into hers. The door shuts loudly and they turn on what I assume they think is romantic music. It just makes me want to barf.

I send a quick text to Noah so that he doesn't check in on me when he gets off work at eleven because I'm tired and going to sleep. Most nights I'm still awake and reading when his shift ends and we talk for a bit when he gets home. But I don't want him to freak out if he can't get in my room, that's the last thing I need.

Me

Going to sleep now, don't worry about checking in on me. I'll see you in the morning.

I slip my phone into the tiny pocket of my pajama bottoms and slide my window open as slowly as I can. It squeaks, just like I knew it would and I freeze, waiting for footsteps in the hall. But the house is full of Mom's terrible music. I could probably walk out the back door and she wouldn't notice, but I'm not going to risk it. I pop the screen out and climb out my window, grateful that we only have a one-story home. I close the window again, but not quite all the way so I'll be able to open it in the morning and slide the screen back on before walking across the yard and into Sam's yard.

His house is dark as I head to the back right window that's his. The rest of his family must all be asleep already.

I tap once on the window pane and it's as if he was waiting right there for me, the blinds slide up and I see him, backlit by the lamp that sits beside his bed. His window doesn't squeak as he slides it open and pops out the screen. I don"t say a word until I'm safely in the room.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Of course, Annie. Anytime," he says and I notice he looks completely exhausted. He goes to bed much earlier than I do and he probably stayed up for me. "I have a queen bed," he says awkwardly and I see his face turn pink in the dim light. "I mean. I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. There isn't room…for someone to sleep on the floor."

"The bed is fine for both of us," I hear myself say. I've suspected that Sam has some sort of feelings for me for a few weeks now, based on how he looks at me—like I'm the only person in the world he wants to look at—and I don't want to give him the wrong idea, but I can't be home tonight.

He nods, one time before crawling onto the left side of the bed. I climb onto the right, placing my phone on the nightstand. "Thanks, again, Sam."

"Anytime," he says before he turns off the light.

We lie together in the bed in silence. I wait for my heart to start racing—I'm sleeping in a bed next to a boy—but it doesn't. Sleep doesn't come either, so I try to focus on Sam's steady breathing, but instead, my mind wanders to last night, the twisting of my bedroom door—which I always keep locked—just after midnight.

"Annie?" Sam whispers, breaking up my memories.

"Yeah?" I breathe back.

"You're shaking."

I honestly hadn't even noticed. I'm not sure who moves first, me or him, but one second I'm on my side of the bed shaking, and the next Sam is pulling me against him. His arms go around me, pulling me into a tight hug. My back against his chest. I feel his steady breath against my back as my body starts to relax and the fear eases from me.

"Thank you," I whisper again as I snuggle closer to him. I know I shouldn't encourage his feelings, but to be held like this? It's the best I've felt in a long time. "You make me feel safe."

"I'm glad," he whispers against my hair. He's got an arm over my chest, his hand clutching my shoulder, keeping me against him. Our legs are close, but not touching. I close my eyes, feeling calm for the first time all day.

"Annie?" he asks a few minutes later.

"Yeah?"

"You're like sunshine, don't let anyone ever dim that light."

I blink my sleepy eyes, trying to not fall asleep. "Hmm?"

His voice is soft and low as he whispers in my ear, "You just keep showing up every day with a smile on your face, even when things are crappy. I really admire that. You inspire me. You're my sunshine."

I nod in response. Sleep is coming fast now and I don't really have time to process the words he just said. I have never felt so secure and safe as I've fallen asleep and I can't seem to fight it. When I'm on the edge of consciousness, I feel Sam shift, pulling me closer. And I know it's only my imagination when I feel his lips press against my hair.