4. Sam

SAM

January 2011 - Sam is 16 Annie is now 15

January in Colorado is bitter cold. I never thought I'd be colder than when I lived in upstate New York, but by the way the hairs inside my nose are freezing, I think I was wrong.

"Hurry up, man." I pull my coat closer around me and look down the dark street, but my coat doesn"t fully block out the wind chill.

"Could you be quiet?" Noah, my best friend, whispers as we sneak along the side of a house. We just drove fifteen minutes into Greeley so that he could ask out a girl for prom—which is four months away. This whole thing is ridiculous.

"Well, maybe if you would hurry," I say, my breath fogging up in front of me. I was enjoying reading a book in my warm bed when Noah showed up at my door, and when he wants to go out, you say yes. Because getting him to get out of the house seems nearly impossible. I thought I was a homebody, but it turns out the Jones' siblings are even more so than I am.

I like to get out and go on adventures, at least most of the time. But when the temperature is in the negatives, I really don't want to leave the house. That's when I want to be home with my family or curled up with a book.

"Don't be such a grump," he snaps, the poster in his hand blowing in the wind.

"Why are we doing this again?" I'm fairly certain my nose will fall off if he doesn"t hurry. Because of course, we couldn't have parked in front of Lacey's house. He made me park a street over and walk to her house so she didn't see his car.

"Because she'll get asked by some dude at her school if I don't ask her now," Noah tells me.

Kersey—where we live—has a small high school, so prom is combined with one of the Greeley high schools. Noah's had a crush on Lacey for who knows how long and she's finally single so now is his chance. At least, that's what he told me when he asked if I could give him a ride into town. Out of the two of us, I'm the only one with a car and there's no way his mom would have let him borrow hers for this. Which I find a tiny bit hypocritical because she wants Annie to be boy obsessed so she can find a husband—Annie is only fifteen—and thinks that Noah is wasting his time dating and should be making money instead.

Finally, we reach Lacey's front porch where Noah sets up the poster and the candy before ringing the bell. I'm a popsicle as I watch him he take off running.

"Come on man," he yells as he sprints away from her house.

It is too cold to move that fast. I see the light spill onto the grass as someone opens the front door. I swerve into the neighbor's yard and I hear a woman call for Lacey as I crouch down behind a bush so she doesn't see me. Is this what it"s like to have actual friends? You hide in the bushes when they leave you in the dust so his future prom date doesn't catch you?

I try not to get too attached to places or people. I know we won't be here long enough for it to matter.

But there's something about the Jones siblings that makes it hard to stay away. Noah is my best friend, but Annie is right up there in the mix. When I'm with her we talk about books and I like the fact that she looks at me like I'm an actual person, not someone who"s just around to make out with. I'm always the new, shiny, cute guy that girls don't actually want to get to know. I've moved around enough that I know not to make friends with most girls, especially the popular ones. But with Annie, it's always been easy.

Maybe someday she will look at me like she wants to kiss me. The thought comes out of nowhere and I fall on my butt into frozen, icy snow.

"Crap," I whisper and stand, brushing off my backside. Lacey's front door is closed now, so I head in the direction of my parked truck.

I catch up to Noah and push the thought of kissing Annie out of my head. We've talked about this, we're friends. And friends do not kiss. It would be in my best interest to lock the thought about kissing her away before it bubbles into something more.

Noah grins at me as we get into my truck. His grin is so much like Annie's that my mind goes straight to her, and I bite my cheek to keep from smiling. Yesterday, she and I talked after school. I don't think it's because she likes me, but because she didn't want to go inside her house. Noah was working though, so it was just the two of us. I kept looking at her lips while she talked, and her eyes because you could see she was genuinely happy to be talking to me. But I don't think that friends look at their friend's lips when they"re talking.

Before I turn on my truck, I close my eyes and lose myself in a daydream for half a second while Noah rambles about how awesome prom is going to be.

I can almost feel Annie in my arms, what it would be like to press my lips against hers.

"We gonna head home?" Noah asks, snapping me back to reality.

"Yup." I turn the key in the ignition and swallow thickly. Annie is different than the other people I've dated in the past. She's quiet, and bookish, and makes everything in my life a bit brighter. I always look forward to seeing her. My thoughts are lost in her as I drive back to Kersey.

"Is there someone you think you'll ask?" Noah interrupts my thoughts as we turn onto our street. I shake myself, I can't start crushing on Annie. I don't do anything serious. I've kissed girls in the past, and have gone on a few dates. But I can't do a crush. It feels too serious to let myself actually fall for someone.

"I don"t think so," I say. I haven't found any girls other than Annie particularly interesting and I don't think Noah would like it if I asked her out. Knowing him, he"d probably make me promise not to ever date her because he"s just that type of brother. The one who doesn't want to see her get hurt. And I won't be here in Colorado long, so the chances of me hurting her are pretty high. I can't like her.

I'm not in one place long enough to date someone seriously, which is why I haven't. I might only be sixteen, but some part of me craves putting down some roots already. I know better than to tell Mom and Dad that we should live somewhere longer than a year at most, because my words will just fall on deaf ears. I can't wait to settle down someday though.

"You should find someone, and we could go together," he says as I pull into my driveway. The lights from my house are glowing onto the front yard, but Noah's house looks dark. Annie must not be home. "Want to come over for a bit? We could watch a movie or see if Annie wants to play a card game, she's probably reading or something in her room."

"Sure," I reply, biting my lip to distract my thoughts about Annie, because now that I've wondered what it would be like to kiss her, I can't seem to get that image out of my head. I have to stop thinking about her though because she's my best friend's sister and could be one of my best friends if I keep my feelings out of the way. I won't ruin any sort of lasting friendship I have with her for a crush. I can be her friend. "And I'll think about the dance."

Noah grins at me. "You'll come around."

The week's old snow crunches under our feet as we walk to Noah's house. He unlocks the door and as it swings open, angry voices greet us from the kitchen. Apparently, everyone is home.

"If you'd stop eating so many cookies, maybe a guy would notice you."

My gut clenches at the way Annie's mom speaks to her and Noah freezes in front of me.

"Seriously, Mom, do you even hear yourself?" Annie yells back. "An extra cookie here and there is not the reason why guys don't notice me. And I'm only fifteen, shouldn't I not be worried about guys right now?"

Annie's mom huffs. "With that attitude, you'll never get married. Men like skinny women."

I swallow the bile in my throat. The first time I heard Annie's mom talk about things like this, I was shocked. My mom would never say something like that to either one of my younger sisters or any other person in general. I clench my fist. Why would someone talk to their daughter this way? The daughter could probably gain a few pounds if anyone is being honest. Annie eats like a bird, and I'm afraid she'll get snapped like a twig if she's not careful.

"I'm fifteen," Annie yells back.

"All the more reason to think about your future. You spend too much of your time with your nose stuck in books."

"Can you even hear yourself, Mom?" Annie asks again, her voice a little quieter now, but I can still hear the bitterness there. "And I'm not even eating cookies, I'm making spaghetti. You sound delusional!"

"Don't you dare talk to me that way," their mom yells and then she storms out the backdoor.

"I'm gonna go see if I can talk to her," Noah says—talking about his mom. He's always trying to fix things, but I don't think anything will fix this. His mom needs a reality check. "Could you check on Annie?"

"Sure," I say and head toward the kitchen. I find her at the stove, cooking some pasta.

"Hi," I say as I approach her.

"Hi." She doesn't look at me, and anger oozes off of her.

"You okay?" I step closer so we"re only a foot or so apart. I ignore the way my traitorous heart beats faster at her proximity. So much for getting rid of this crush. If anything, it's going to grow the more I hang out with her, not that I want to stop.

She sighs and even though she's angry, there's warmth in her eyes when she looks up at me. "All of that started because I told her I was going to make us some spaghetti for dinner after she told me she didn't have a plan because she figured you and Noah would get some food. The woman would rather me starve than eat something."

I look up at the ceiling as I lean against the counter. "Spaghetti is always a good choice."

"Thank you." She glances back at the pot of boiling water. "This might be horrible to say, but I can't wait until I'm old enough to move out."

It"s not funny, but I let out a laugh. "I don't blame you. Where will you go?"

She stirs the marinara sauce as it starts to bubble. "New York maybe. They have a good culinary school I think. And I like food." She glances toward the side door that Noah and her mom went out of. "Too much, according to my mother. But I started cooking more this school year after my cooking class last semester, and I like it."

"Don't listen to her," I say, wishing I could do more to help her and tell her mom to shut up. But that's not my place. We're friends, but I don't know if that would be crossing some sort of boundary. "And you should go to a culinary school if that's what you want."

She sighs like she wishes it could be that easy and looks up at me. "Did Noah ask Lacey to prom?"

I nod. Changing the subject I see. "Yup, and I nearly lost my nose."

She laughs. "It's really cold this winter."

"Which is why spaghetti is a great dinner." My stomach rumbles as I tell her this.

She frowns. "I wish I could spend more dinners at your house. At least your mom likes me and doesn't comment on my eating habits."

I smile down at her, looking over all the freckles that cover her face. "You know you're welcome over there anytime."

"Yeah well, maybe once Mom gets a new job I"ll come over more. She'll get mad if I'm not here for dinner. Which doesn't make any sense, but I feel like it's been a long time since anything she did made any sense."

I nod. Right now, at sixteen, Noah is paying for their rent on the house because their mom hasn't found a new job. She hasn't had a job in five of the six months that my family has lived here. At least she broke up with her boyfriend right before Christmas, but now there's a new guy hanging around the Jones' house all the time which Noah informed me is the norm for his mom. She goes through boyfriends like changing your clothes through the seasons. I've also noticed that she's grouchy nearly all the time. Between working almost thirty hours a week and going to school, it's a wonder that Noah is as happy as he is. Amazingly, Annie is warm and kind, unlike their mother.

"Can't wait," I say and Annie leans over and gives me a half hug. I stiffen, my heart beats erratically in my chest. My back burns where her hands are against my shirt. I pray she doesn't notice. We are just friends, that's all we'll ever be. That's all we can ever be. But her touching me doesn't help the images that were in my head earlier.

"Come on, you weirdo," she says after a second. "Don't leave me hanging, hug me back."

I force myself to move. I slip my arms around her and wish that the moment could last longer than a handful of seconds. That my hug could somehow take away all of her pain and make everything better. That it could mean something more than friends.

I swallow hard as I take a step back, knowing that I'm already falling for her, even if I shouldn't be. I can't seem to help it. Something about Annie just pulls me to her, and I don't want to make it stop.

"Hey man, you think we could hang out after school, I don't have work today?" Noah asks as we walk down the hall to the lunchroom.

"Sure," I say, already scanning the hallway to see if Annie's heading toward the cafeteria or not.

"I've got to retake my math test now, but I'll see you later?" He turns before I can reply and heads toward the math wing.

Annie's bright orange-red hair snags my attention as soon as I walk into the cafeteria. She's at a table with Emily, a brown paper bag sits unopened in front of her and she's got her nose in a book. I can tell from here that it's a classic, I just can't tell which one. Emily doesn't seem to mind though, she's looking all gooey eyed at a guy who's wearing a football jersey. He's looking at her the same way and neither notice when I slide into the seat next to Annie.

"Hey," I say, and she looks up, her smile hits me straight in the heart. We haven't hung out a ton lately, since I spend more time with her brother than I do with her, but she's a familiar face—at school and lately in my dreams.

"Hey yourself," she says, and she reaches for her lunch bag and starts to open it. "No Noah today?"

I shake my head as I pull out my own sandwich. "He said something about having to retake a math test."

She smiles at me again and looks around the table then back at me. "Sorry about Emily and Landon, they just started dating."

I glance at the couple who are now so close to each other I half expect them to start making out right here. High school is weird, I can't wait to get out of here. I turn to Annie and as I move my hand across the table to grab a chip, my hand bumps into hers.

I notice, not for the first time, all of the freckles that cover her hand and move up her arm under her sleeve. I like her freckles; I like a lot of things about her.

"It's fine," I say, trying to shake my thoughts about how I like her freckles from my mind. This is Annie, my best friend's little sister. One of my friends. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't shake the crush I have on her.

She laughs—a soft, sweet sound that makes my heart start beating faster in my chest. I want to make her laugh all the time.

"It's not fine, it's awkward. I've told Emily this before, but she doesn't seem to care. All she seems to care about is if she can kiss whichever guy she likes this month and right now, that's Landon."

I glance at the two lovebirds who haven't started kissing—thankfully—and look back at Annie. Her lips are a dark pink color and they look soft.

I cough and tear my eyes away. What is happening to me? Everyone has lips, why do hers make me feel something? Will they ever stop making me feel something? I have to get a grip.

I focus on eating my sandwich and she eats her food. The chatter in the cafeteria isn't overwhelmingly loud, but loud enough that it's fine we aren't talking.

"You two are so cute!" Emily's voice snaps me out of my own thoughts and I look up to see her beaming at us.

"What?" Annie asks, she sounds absolutely horrified. I don't dare look at her. "I don't date."

My stomach turns, I set down my sandwich, appetite gone. I know she said she didn't want us kissing, but I thought it was just because we barely knew each other, because we were brand new friends.

Emily laughs. "But you two would be so cute together. Sam is so taller than you and it'd just be so cute. Plus you both have gorgeous eyes. Your kids would be so pretty."

My mouth drops open but no words come out, I sneak a glance at Annie and she's refusing to look in my direction. Her entire face is red.

"Emily," she whines quietly and Emily just smiles.

"I promise I'm a good matchmaker, aren't I, Landon?"

"She is," he agrees, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"We're just friends," I say, trying to make Annie feel less awkward. And we are just friends.

But friends don't think about how soft their friend's lips look and wonder what it would be like to kiss them, I tell myself but then shake away the thought. Annie and I are friends.

"Right," she says quietly, "we're friends."

Emily shrugs. "Okay, but I still think you'd be cute together."

"Can you please drop it?" Annie hisses at her best friend and I bite my lip. I like seeing her like this. She's normally so put together and nothing seems to phase her. But this, Emily's teasing, it's getting to her and I want to know why, even if I shouldn't. I want to know if she feels something between us too.

Emily gives her a smile. "I'm making you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'll stop."

"Thank you," Annie says, and Emily goes back to flirting with Landon.

"I'm so sorry about that," she whispers to me a few minutes later. She's staring down at her sandwich and won't meet my eyes, her cheeks are still pink.

"It's fine," I tell her. "We are friends and she is obsessed with love, so she probably just wants you to date someone so that you two can double date or something."

"I don't date, and she knows that."

"Why not?" I ask.

She glances at me then looks away. "I just don't. I don't want a relationship."

"That's fine," I tell her as an ache I didn't realize was there starts to grow bigger inside my chest. "But I am glad we're friends."

"Me too."

I don't think about her reaction as I finish my lunch. I definitely don't think about how embarrassed she was from all of Emily's teasing, instead, I remind myself over and over that she doesn't want to date anyone, so all we can ever be is friends. Maybe someday I'll believe it.