35. Annie

ANNIE

I wake up wrapped in the warmth that is Sam's arms. My back is against his chest and I can feel his steady breathing against me. I feel calm, which is a foreign feeling to me. Especially after having a PTSD episode like I did last night, I never wake up in the morning feeling calm. But having Sam's arms around me all night must have made a difference.

I'm starting to notice that having him around in general makes a difference. But it also makes me wary. I can't rely on him—or anyone—to help with my feelings. No one is ever that constant, and it isn't fair to put this on anyone else. I have to figure out how to feel calm and okay without the help of anyone else.

He lets out a long breath and I decide that for right now, just today, I'll let myself feel okay and safe in his arms. And tomorrow I'll start to figure out how to do this without him. He might be coming to Colorado with me, but I still won't make him ever carry the weight of my own mental illness.

That's too much to put on another person, even if we are married and going to see how it goes.

I feel him shift and I know he's awake, but sleepy. His arms tighten around me and pull me closer to his warm body. I wait for my body to stiffen, to tense, but I simply curl into him.

"Morning," he whispers against my hair. He moves and his lips skim the side of my neck and I lean into him even more. "I like waking up with you in my arms."

"I like it too."

He kisses my neck again and groans, not a happy one. "I should probably get back up to Noah, best man duties before the wedding and all. But I'd rather stay here with you all day."

"You can go be with Noah," I tell him, surprised that I actually mean the words. "And we can spend a day just like this once we get back to my little cabin in Colorado."

I feel his smile as he presses another feather light kiss against my skin before he slowly releases me. "I'll be counting down the days."

"Me too," I say, feeling suddenly shy. This man is my husband, and I just promised him a day together in bed, what I've implied—intentional or not—is huge.

He knows me too well though. "We can do whatever you want that day. No expectations, just you and me, together."

I nod, though I feel guilty. Sam is a man, surely he has expectations. Mitch always did.

He reaches for me, pulling me into an awkward kneeling hug in the middle of the bed.

"I can feel you overthinking it," Sam tells me. "I know what you meant when you suggested a day together. I don't expect anything more than what we've already done to happen. I'm amazed and grateful that you even want that with me. I could spend the whole day with you reading beside me and I'd be the happiest man alive."

My eyes fill with tears. I want to believe him. But I know how relationships work. The guy is always so sweet and romantic and makes promises like he just made, but as the relationship goes on, men give up on being nice. They drop the romantic things and the only thing that is left is the expectation for more than the woman is often able to give.

I don't want our relationship to lose this magic, the bubble we're in here in Hawaii has been amazing, but real life isn't like that.

"Okay?" he asks when I don't respond.

"Okay," I say, maybe I can pretend for a little longer.

He gives my hand three squeezes before letting me go. "I'll see you soon?"

I nod in response. I'll need to head up to Tally's room in a bit because as a bridesmaid I get to get ready with her and her sister. Thankfully, I won't have to see or interact with Mom until after the ceremony.

Sam smiles at me and I forget my worries and let myself melt a little. I've always wanted to have a guy look at me like that and now he is looking at me like that.

I feel myself smile back and that seems to be enough for him to feel like I'm okay. He gives me a nod and heads out the door. I fall back onto the pillows, wondering if my head and my heart will ever be able to let myself fully fall for Sam. I love him, but it's still hard.

Tally went for casual beach wedding attire. I'm in my simple yellow sundress that I wore when Sam and I got married—the only dress I own—and I watch myself in the mirror as Tally's grandmother curls my hair.

"I noticed that Sam hasn't been able to keep his eyes off of you," Gran tells me. "You should give that boy a real chance. He loves you."

If she only knew the half of it.

"Gran," Tally calls from across the room. "No matchmaking!"

Gran rolls her eyes in the mirror and I smile as she catches my eye.

Holly is also wearing a simple green pastel sundress and her hair is pinned up. The boys will be in tan slacks and white shirts with pastel ties. I don't know if I"ve ever seen Sam in a tie. He wore a nice T-shirt when we got married. He and I both don't really do fancy things.

Before I know it, it's time for the ceremony. The venue looks even better than when we saw it the other day. Holly and her fiancé Drew will walk down the aisle before Sam and I.

Tally is waiting inside the resort, so Noah and Sam approach me at the same time.

"You look like a million bucks," I tell my brother. He's in the same tan slacks as the groomsmen but his shirt has long sleeves.

"You too, Sis," he gives me a hug and then looks at Sam. "Good thing Tally wanted to keep the wedding small and none of her cousins will be here. I'd have made one of them walk Annie down the aisle."

Sam frowns. "Over my dead body would I have let another man touch my wife."

My eyes go wide at his slip and I watch as Noah's eyes narrow at him. "Your what?"

Sam glances at me. "My wife."

My brother whirls to me. "You married him? Why would you do that? When did you do that? You're both going to end up with broken hearts."

"It's a long story," I tell Noah. "We can talk about it later. Right now, though, it's your moment."

Noah nods, once, jaw tight, but he turns to answer a question Tally's dad has.

"I'm sorry," Sam says. "That just kind of slipped out."

"I know. It's okay, it was going to come out at some point." I put my hand on his hand. "You look nice too," and when he turns to look at me, it's like everyone else disappears and it's just us.

He grins at me. "You"re stunning."

I hear my brother clear his throat, but neither of us look at him.

"Alright, how about we get this wedding started," Noah says. I know he's nervous, but the kind of nervous excited you feel before something good happens.

Sam lets go of my hands. "Let's get you married, brother." He claps Noah on the back.

Noah nods once before heading up the aisle. There are a handful of guests on the chairs set out, but most of us here are in the wedding party. Mom is making out with her boyfriend when I look at her so I look away. That"s too weird and gross.

"I'm gonna need you to wear that dress for the rest of time," Sam says as the music starts. I glance up at him.

"I'm pretty sure it won"t last forever."

"Well, for as long as it lasts then. Yellow is your color. You wore that when we got married and it about killed me."

I go warm all over. "I like your tie." I look up at Sam, he's got his hair pulled up in a bun on the top of his head and his beard is trimmed and neat. He looks nice all dressed up. Maybe we should dress up more often.

He smiles. "I like that we match."

"It's a wedding, of course we match," I whisper to him as Holly and Drew start up the aisle. We're right behind them.

"Well, I like it," he says. "We should get matching swimsuits for next year."

I nearly roll my eyes, but we're up and all eyes are on us. He holds out his arm and I slide my arm in his. "And we'll have to get us some rings."

My chest tightens slightly at the thought of this being a real marriage, but then I remember my promise to myself this morning. I can lose myself to this fantasy for a little longer. At least while we're here.

So I smile up at him. "Of course." But I won't let myself think too much about the future, that always leads to heartache. I can't put all of my problems on him.

At the end of the aisle, he reluctantly lets go of me, giving me a smile as we walk to either side of Noah.

Watching Tally's father lead her up the aisle doesn't give me the ache in my chest that I often get when I'm at weddings. Maybe it's because I'm already married and our ceremony was uncomplicated and to help Sam get insurance. I didn't have to worry about my dad not being there. I watch my brother as he takes Tally's hands, and his entire face is lit up. He's been hoping for this day for so many years.

I glance up behind him and find Sam watching me. I love the way he looks at me, as if there isn't anything or anyone else he'd rather be looking at. The view of the ocean is incredible from where we're standing and his best friend is getting married, and here he is, looking at me.

I feel the pull to glance away, but I fight it and hold his gaze. When Sam smiles at me, it's not a smirk or like he's got some secret intention that he's thinking about later. He's smiling at me like he really feels as though he's the luckiest man in the world to have me looking back at him.

It's that look that makes me know I"m a complete goner.

I'm in love with Sam Holland and I have been for a very long time. It's time to stop denying it and let myself completely fall.