21. Sam

SAM

End of December 2023 - Sam is 29, Annie is 27

As soon as I enter our apartment, I know something is wrong. Our Christmas tree twinkles in the corner, since we haven't taken it down yet. I was planning to ring in the new year alone. Annie had to go into work this afternoon, since she was working on the new menu. She should still be there, since she has a shift tonight. I wasn't planning to see her today, since I knew my meeting with my team would go long as we went over the logistics of me stepping back from making so many videos and traveling all the time. I also have a few errands to run, but I didn't rush, because I knew I'd be staying up to wait for Annie anyway. But the shower is running even though the apartment is completely dark. I drop my keys and the groceries I bought on my way home from physical therapy onto the counter.

I knock on the bathroom door. "Annie?"

When she doesn't reply, I twist the knob, every nerve in my body is telling me that something is wrong and I prepare myself to find her black and blue like I did a year ago. Instead, I find her sitting in the bathtub fully clothed. The water from the shower is pelting her back and she has her arms wrapped around her legs. I reach in and pull my hand back in shock—the water beating down on her is ice cold. I turn the shower off.

"Annie, what happened?" Her eyes are glassy as she looks up at me and her lips are turning blue. "We've got to get you into dry clothes and get you warm, can you stand?"

Annie doesn't respond, she just leans against the wall and closes her eyes as if the thought of moving is too much work. Terror rips through me. "Annie!" I shout and she blinks her eyes open. "I'm going to get you out of the tub and I have to change your clothes because you're soaked and freezing, is that okay?"

"Yeah," she whispers before closing her eyes again. I pull her out of the tub and carry her to my room. Carefully, I set her on my bed and hurry to her closet, grabbing a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt that I realize she must have taken from my closet because it's mine. I grab some underwear from her top drawer and hurry back to her. She's still in her chef's jacket. I make quick work unbuttoning in and slowly slide it off. Her undershirt is sticking to her skin.

"Arms up, love," I whisper and while her eyes still look out of focus, like she's not completely here with me, she raises her arms. The undershirt is harder to remove than the chef's jacket because it's sticking to her skin but I get it off. Now she's in her slacks and a light pink bra. "I'm going to take off your bra now," I tell her softly. "But I promise I won't look."

She merely nods as my fingers find the bra hooks and I unhook them. I keep my eyes on her face as the fabric slips off her body and I wrap the towel around her shoulders to quickly dry her off before pulling on my hoodie without glancing at her chest.

"Time for your pants," I say. She's shaking now and I need to get her under the covers as soon as possible. "Lift your hips for me?" She falls back onto the bed and raises her hips. I slide her pants down. Her underwear is soaked and freezing but I don't know if I can strip her bare in this condition.

"You're thinking too much, help me change," she says softly. "I'm so cold. I can't do it myself."

I nod once, even though she can't see me and snap my eyes shut as I slide her underwear off her body. Somehow, she helps me dry off her legs and I only look at her ankles to get her sweats on then close my eyes again as I pull them up the rest of the way. Once she is fully clothed and her wet clothes are on the floor, I throw back the covers and pull her into my arms and wrap the blankets around us like a cocoon.

"I didn't look," I tell her as she trembles with cold against me.

"You could have," she says so quietly I almost don't hear her. "I'm your wife after all."

My mouth goes dry at her words, surely she's not aware of what she just said. But even if she was, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is getting her warm. I take her hands, which are like icicles, and put them in mine and I pull her back against my chest.

"Time to warm up, sunshine."

"Mmm," is all she says in response and then we lie together in silence.

When I wake up a few hours later, she is still in my arms, but now we're facing each other and she's already looking at me.

"Hi," she says quietly.

"Hi," I say as I rub her back. "Want to talk about what happened?"

She shakes her head. "Not really, but I probably should."

"Are you okay?" I ask as I pull her to me, her head on my chest.

"Not really."

When Annie moves her face again, our noses brush but she doesn't pull away. "I ran into him. I mean, I knew it would happen at some point, but it happened today."

I simply watch her eyes and try to keep the rage I feel hidden. She already went through the ringer today with whatever happened, I'm not about to make it worse just because whenever he comes up my blood boils.

"It was fine at first, I was just prepping the kitchen for tonight's service when he asked if he could talk to me in his office alone."

"You don't have to tell me everything if you don't want to," I tell her. I don't want to make her re-live it if she doesn't want to.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again and that's when I see the tears. "I can't even repeat what he said. It was so awful. But, I think some of what he said might actually be true."

"Oh, no, sunshine." I pull her closer to me and our legs tangle together as she grips my shirt and cries into it. I run my fingers through her hair. "I can promise that whatever he said wasn't true. He doesn't know you. He only cares about himself, and he wants to take back whatever power he thinks he can get and that's why he said what he did."

When she stops crying, she looks up at me, her eyes clearer than they've been in weeks. "Kiss me, Sam."

My jaw drops open in shock. "Are you sure?"

I don't want her to kiss me simply because she wants to forget about her bad day. I don't even know if I should kiss her because of what she went through today. Do you kiss someone when they're in a vulnerable state even if they ask you?

"I've been trying to work up the courage to ask you for weeks," she says, not taking her eyes off of mine and I see a faint blush crawl up her cheeks. "I had a whole conversation planned…but that will have to wait. Right now I feel warm and safe in your arms. So will you kiss me?"

I brush her hair out of her face and take in her eyes—that somehow seem brighter after she's cried—and all the freckles that cover her nose and down to her soft pink lips. The same lips that drive me crazy most nights in my sleep. But I don't know if I can do it. I don't want to cause her any more heartache

"Any day now, Sam," she says with a laugh and moves one of her hands to my face. I could cry in relief at how warm they are.

"I was so scared," I tell her. "When I got home and found you in the shower."

"I'm sorry," she says.

"Don't be sorry, I just… I want to be here for you, okay?"

"Okay."

"And I don't want to push you into doing something with me just because you've had a bad day."

Annie leans forward so our noses brush. She runs one of her hands through my hair. "Don't you see it Sam? How I feel about you? Maybe now isn't the time to talk about it, but we will need to have that conversation. But right now? Right now I want to kiss you. Or you to kiss me."

I want to cradle her in my arms and keep her safe from everything. Does she mean what I think she means? Does she love me? I want to ask, but she's said we can talk later, and I'll just have to trust that. "Alright, sunshine."

She grins at me.

I close the remaining distance between us, and just like our kisses in the past, it feels like I've come home. Annie has always been my home, my North Star. She's my everything and I want to show her just exactly what she means to me. So I kiss her tenderly, one hand on her hip and the other in her hair. Holding her steady as I kiss her in a way that I hope shows just how much I love her.

The kiss turns needy as she tries to pull herself closer to me, and I've got a lot of self-control but not that much.

I pull back from her every so slightly. "Slow down, sunshine."

She blinks up at me as if she can't believe that she lost control of herself just a little.

"I'll kiss you all night, we've got plenty of time."

And that's exactly what I do.