20. Annie

ANNIE

October 2023 - Annie is 27, Sam is 29

I pace back and forth in our apartment, glancing at the front door every single minute, hoping that Sam doesn't burst in at any moment. I know he's at a meeting with his team, so he probably won't be back anytime soon, but I need to tell Emily my news. I've barely been able to hear a word she's said about her latest pregnancy. I have to tell her my news before I burst. She's my best friend, my longest friend, she needs to know.

She's talking about how she'll need to buy more baby onesies when I finally interrupt her. "Emily, I'm married."

There's a stunned silence on the other end of the line.

"Um, you're going to have to repeat that, because I could have sworn you just said that you're married and the Annie Jones I know has been promising anyone and everyone for all her life that marriage was one thing she was never going to do."

I walk into my bedroom and sink down onto the bed. Sam and I might be married, but things are the same as they were before we got married, except all of the awkwardness that came after we went to city hall is gone.

"I married Sam three months ago," I tell my childhood best friend and have to pull the phone away from my ear as she starts squealing. We may not talk all the time, but Emily is still the person I want to tell everything to. I can't believe I waited this long to tell her about what I did.

"Finally! Tell me all the things. What's it like being married? How's the sex? I bet he's good…"

"Emily!" I shriek to cut her off. "It's not that kind of marriage."

"What do you mean it's not that kind of marriage? That man is gorgeous."

"He needed back surgery. I have great insurance. We both knew I'd never marry anyone else so it was the perfect solution." I tell her the facts, I can stick with the facts, but I will not tell her about how much I wish it was a real marriage but how I'm too afraid of what will happen if I let Sam in on that little fact.

"Annie, you've been in love with him for years. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

I ignore Emily's words. "Too late for that now."

"Sweetie," Emily says in her motherly voice. "I don't want to see you get hurt. Have you told him how you feel?"

I sigh. "No."

"You should tell him. Imagine what your life could be like if you told him. The man adores you." Emily sighs as if she's in love with the idea of me and Sam being happily married and in love.

"Not gonna happen," I say.

"But you do love him still, right?" Emily was the one I called when Sam first got a girlfriend after we moved out to New York. The first time I realized he was seriously trying to get over me and not just date around. I poured out my heart to her and she told me I was being an idiot, that I should have just told him the truth instead of hiding from my feelings. It's been years and every now and then she bugs me about it, saying I should just get everything out in the open, but I don't want to ruin my friendship with Sam.

Plus, I hate how much I regret hiding from my feelings, because hiding from my feelings for Sam led to me dating Mitch. But I still can't tell him.

"Yes. I'm not ready." I don't know if I'll ever be ready to give my heart to another person the way I did with Mitch, even if that person is Sam.

"You'll be ready someday," she says as if her words settle the matter. "I just hope Sam is still around when you finally get there. But you really married him? And he had to have back surgery? I feel like I missed an entire chapter of your life. Tell me everything."

So I do, tell her everything. I just leave out all the feelings but Emily knows me better than that. We both know what I'm not saying.

"I can't believe you got married without me," she says after a few moments of silence.

Guilt squeezes in my chest. "I know, I'm sorry. It just kind of happened really fast. He needed insurance so I suggested we go get married later that day."

"Well," she says. "If you two decide to make it official official, I'm going to throw you a huge party. You'll have to come to the middle of nowhere Nebraska so I can throw you a party, because I can't travel, but we're going to make it happen."

"You really think I should tell him." It's not a question.

"Of course I think you should tell him," she tells me. "I think you're being stupid by not telling him."

"Gee thanks."

"Annie, you know what I mean," she says.

"I mean, I guess." I bite my lip. "But what if it ruins everything?"

"But what if it makes everything magical? What if the two of you get a fairytale romance, don't you want that?" Emily married a guy we went to high school with straight out of college. She's happy in her life as a wife and mother, but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

"I don't know."

"Don't you want Sam?"

My cheeks burn. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Emily says, "that you've loved that man for a long time. You've lived with him for just as long. You've kissed him, and if I recall you once told me that it was the best kiss in your entire life. So what I mean is exactly what I said, don't you want Sam?"

I think of his soft hands on my cheeks and neck as he kissed me at our wedding ceremony. My toes curl. I'd love to kiss him again. "Well, yes."

Emily laughs, a sound that breaks something open in me.

"You should tell him. Or just kiss him and see what happens."

"Gah."

"What?" she asks and I hear a child in the background, which means our phone call is about to end.

"Nothing, you just gave me a lot to think about."

"Don't think, just do."

"We'll see." I have to work later, so it's not like Sam and I can have any sort of conversation until tomorrow anyway. He'll probably be asleep by the time I get home.

"I've gotta go," Emily starts.

"I know, I heard your kid," I say with a smile. Emily is a great mom. If I ever decide to have kids someday, I hope I can be like her.

"He's been very snuggly lately," she tells me. "I think he knows there's about to be a new baby."

"Well, enjoy your snuggles."

"You too," she says with a voice that I know all too well. She's planning something.

"No texting Sam and meddling." I have to stop her before she does something drastic. I can handle this. I will tell him my feelings, sometime.

"What? I would never."

"Ha. Just please don't say anything yet. I'll talk to him soon," I tell her, already formulating how we can have a casual but also serious conversation tomorrow. I'm ready to take things to the next level. To actually be a couple. If he is ready for that.

"Okay…" Emily says and I hear a little voice over the phone. "I have to go, but if you don't say anything soon, I will start to meddle."

"You wouldn't dare," I say, but I'm smiling. Grateful to have a friend who cares so much about me and my happiness.

"Go get your man."