19. Cruz

The game goes down to the last few seconds, and unfortunately, it doesn't go in our favor.

We're all disappointed, obviously, but also somewhat encouraged. Compared to the competition, our team is fairly young, and we held our own this season. With all that talent coming back, we're in a great position to dominate next year, so while we're beaten, we're far from broken.

Nevertheless, a loss is a loss, so the plane home is quiet. Subdued. Most of the guys are catching up on sleep, but that eludes me, mostly because every time I close my eyes, I picture pretty hazel ones peeking out from beneath the wisps of blond hair trying to cover them.

I guess I have Dani to thank for that. Who knew challenging me to determine if I find Liam attractive would lead to non-stop thoughts about how hot he is… How hot our time together has been… And where I want it to go in the future.

Too bad I still have no idea what to do with that realization.

Shifting in my seat so my weight is on my left ass cheek instead of my right, which had started to fall asleep, I run through my options for the umpteenth time.

I could do nothing, which I'm fairly certain would mean we continue to touch each other physically if the mood strikes him, but that would be the extent of it.

Truthfully, that doesn't sound like a horrible scenario.

I'm enjoying the fact I can find release with him, and since evidence suggests I'm able to get aroused myself if I see Liam in that state, if he instigates it, I think I can respond. We could have the casual sex relationship my teammates and friends—hell, pretty much everyone—seems to engage in with ease. And there wouldn't be any pressure to define anything, which I'm clearly not good at anyway.

But if Dani's right about him being interested in me, is it fair to let him use me for sex? Or for me to use him that way?

The part of me that's curious and excited to try something new, something I've never had before, says no. The part of me that doesn't want to lose him says yes.

Dammit.

I hoped time away would give me some perspective, but the only thing I know for sure is that after being gone nearly a week, I miss Liam.

I miss talking to him, and not just about mundane stuff like classes and sports, but the soul-deep conversations about our pasts and who we are. And I miss the shy smiles he fights when I make a crack in his grouchy shell. I even miss him calling me a hero.

Add it up, and I'm pretty sure Dani is right. I like him, as more than a friend, more than just the physical exploration. And if that's the case, the real question is am I in the closet or out?

Will I ever understand myself, or will I always need someone to figure it out for me?

Shifting back to the right butt cheek, I take stock of what I know, lifting a finger as I mentally rattle off each item. Right hand for positives, left for negatives.

One. I'm totally comfortable hooking up with a guy. Right finger.

Two. I'm not afraid of my friends or family knowing I might be gay. Right finger.

Three. The league's official statement is they support the LGBTQ community, and a handful of players and owners have publicly stated that as well. Right finger.

Four. There aren't a lot of openly gay football players. Some have come out after retirement, but guys on an active roster… I think one or two exist, but I can't name them. Left finger.

Technically, that's three to one in the positive column, and only one in the negative… But it's a big negative. I'm not ready to call it a deal breaker, but if my sexuality might impact my ability to find an agent and get drafted, I can't say it doesn't matter.

I feel shallow for considering that. Dirty, even. I never would've thought of myself as someone who buckles under pressure, but if that pressure is the difference between an NFL career and working as an engineer… Cars are cool and all, but football is my life-long dream.

And then there's Liam himself to consider. He's a great guy. I genuinely like him as a person and—maybe—even as a boyfriend. But given his history with homophobic classmates, the last thing he needs is to be with someone who hides him like a dirty secret. If I can't be out and proud with him, I don't have the right to tell him how I feel.

That settles it, right? If I can't say a hundred percent that I'm ready to risk a future in the NFL, then I go with option A and do nothing.

Okay.

Good.

I have a plan, and the plan is to follow Liam's lead. To let him dictate when, or if, we have any contact, and to not admit, under any circumstances, that I might be curious about something more unless I'm ready to come out.

Naturally, that means the first thing out of my mouth when he comes back to the room after break, casually flicking his soft hair off his forehead to look at me with those rapt, hazel eyes, is a needy groan that sounds a lot like, fuuuuck.

He pauses just inside the doorway and lets his gaze slide over where I'm reclined on the bed, tracking down from my face to my legs and back up again in a slow, deliberate perusal, exactly like I'm doing to him. "What's that?" he finally rasps.

"I…" My tongue swipes over my lips as I realize my cock is starting to get a little thicker, and I jackknife to a sitting position, swinging my legs so they dangle over the edge of the bed and—hopefully—hiding the evidence under the shirt that covers my lap.

Liam steps fully into the room and kicks the door shut with his foot, never taking his eyes off mine. God that's hot. "Jesus, Cruz. I'm getting a seriously sexy vibe from you right now and I don't know what to do about it."

I open my mouth, but the only sound that comes out is best described as a whimper.

"Seriously, man." He runs a nervous hand through his hair. "This is making my dick hard, and if that happens, I'm gonna want to rub it against yours again. Do you want that?"

I blink to clear my head, only my vision snags on the image of Liam not so discreetly adjusting the bulge in his pants, jaw clenched like it's taking all the restraint he possesses to stand on the opposite side of the room.

"Do you want that?" he repeats.

My head bobs up and down in place of words.

"Thank fuck." He bolts across the room, undoing his pants as he goes, so that by the time he steps between my legs they're perched precariously on his hips, his stiff cock jutting forward enough to brush against my stomach.

"Lift," he grunts as he taps my hip, and, using my arms for balance, I rise up enough that he can work my pants out from under me. He pushes them down until they're pooled around my ankles and stands to his full height. Given that our beds are slightly higher than the normal twin, our cocks line up perfectly.

Hands resting on my thighs, Liam rocks his body forward and our shafts slide together. "Dayum." He lets out a breathless curse as his eyes flutter, seemingly torn between enjoying and watching. "I honestly don't think I've seen anything sexier than this view right here. Look at us," he encourages, wrapping a hand around the back of my neck and nudging my head downward.

His hips pull back, dragging the tip of his cock down my length, then punch forward, and I swear on the upstroke it's his weeping slit that makes contact, if the easy glide is any indication.

"Tell me what you want, Cruz. Long and slow? Just a tease, like this?" He rocks back and forth with exaggerated patience. "Or more?"

Swallowing thickly, I whisper, "This."

A coy smile ghosts over his lips. "Shirt off." He whips his own over his head then helps me lift the hem of mine, nudging me back with a gentle push. "Lie back."

When I'm reclined fully Liam starts to stroke his hands leisurely over my chest, tracing the peaks and valleys of my pecs, my abs, even my biceps, all while rubbing his cock against mine. It's the first time he's touched me—really touched me—anywhere but my dick, and it's pure heaven.

His touch is so light, so tender, it feels like I'm being treasured. Worshiped.

I tingle everywhere, not like the intense spark of an impending orgasm, but a subtle buzz. A hum beneath my skin that radiates out from his fingertips like ripples from a stone hitting the water, only instead of a single ripple it's a continuous line that follows his hand as he explores my body.

As he nears my hip, my abs coil, and he chuckles softly. "Ticklish?" He traces a gentle finger over a sensitive spot, and I jolt again.

"God, your abs are so sexy when they clench like that." He maps the outline of my six pack. "Especially when they're the background for this beautiful cock." His flex as he swivels his pelvis, creating a new pattern of friction on my length, and the groan that leaves my lips is downright shameless.

"You like that?" He does it again, this time pulling a heady moan from my lips. "And you say I'm the loud one." I hear the smile in his voice as he continues his gentle frotting, making my dick feel like it's shrouded in rapture. The key to nirvana. And all he's doing is rubbing it with his own.

"You're quiet now." I find my voice.

"That's because I want to hear you."

"What do you want to hear?" I whisper as his shaft slides against mine.

"Everything." Liam inhales sharply as he circles his hips. "What you like. What you want. How you feel."

"Don't we feel the same thing?"

"I don't know." His fingers trail from between my pecs to the bottom of the ‘V' at the base of my cock. "I feel how hard you are under all this smooth skin." Then they find my tip, rubbing in gentle circles to spread my precum around. "And how slick you're getting." He surrounds us in his firm grip, pulling a startled gasp from my throat that fades to a low growl, which he echoes. "And my cock… Fuck, it's damn near vibrating."

"Mine too." The words are stilted as I fight to breathe steadily.

"I want to move faster. To chase this feeling." Liam gives us a tight squeeze and lets go, thrusting slowly back and forth so that he can glide his tip along my length. "But this is good, too. I don't think it's enough to make me come, and I don't even care. I just like having your cock slide along mine."

My chest rises and falls dramatically as I try to reconcile his words with my feelings. I think we're on the same page, torn between wanting more yet wanting this to last, because what's happening right now is heaven. And while it can get better, that also means it will end. At least until we do this again, which I'm pretty sure is something I'm going to need.

A strained moan rumbles from my throat as I hover in this state of limbo. I've never felt so heavy and light at the same time. It's like I'm sinking and soaring, content yet restless. It's everything and not enough, and as my head lolls from side to side on the mattress, my body wars over what I want. What to ask for.

Liam's eyes drift shut as his chest falls with a contented sigh. "God, your cock is so hard against mine." He pushes forward slowly, pulling back with just as much patience. "I take it back. I might actually come this way. Holy shit."

While I'd really like to just rub our dicks together all nice and slow for the rest of the day and into the night, I don't think I can finish this way, and I want to finish together. Sitting up, I grip his ass and lift, hauling him off the floor and taking him with me as I fall back onto the mattress.

"Holy fuck that was hot." Liam uses his arms to brace himself above me as he takes advantage of this new position by rutting his cock against mine. "That's going on the kink list."

"The kink list?"

"You know, things that turn me on."

"Picking you up turned you on?" My head rocks back as he frots against me, exposing my throat, which seems to catch his attention.

A sly grin spreads over his mouth as he thrusts. "I'm too big for most people to manhandle, so no one's ever done it before. Turns out I like it."

I bite back a grin. It makes me feel proud to know I've found something he likes. Worthy.

With Liam on top of me, my hands still cupping his ass, there's a lot more pressure against my cock, and each time he pistons his hips it sends another bolt of electricity through my newly awakened nerves.

Even though this is the third time we've explored—whatever this is—in many ways it still feels like the first. I'm still not quite sure what my body is going to do in response to the way Liam touches me. I only know each time seems to get better, and right now, with his weight on top of me as we rock our hips together with increasing urgency…

I've never reached this point with anyone. Lying down, rutting together as if we're actually joined, mouths parted with lust and need as we try to breathe through our desire. It's heady and beautiful, tipping me over the edge with masterful force.

"Oh God. Oh fuck," I pant, bucking upward as I pull him to me.

"Let go, Cruz," Liam urges. "Come with me."

My hips punch forward once. Twice. Then my cock takes over, pulsing violently as all my other muscles seize and go still. I can do little more than arch my pelvis forward as my orgasm courses through me, my cum seeping into the crevices between us as I hold Liam's body to mine.

Lying still, reveling in the absolute bliss flowing through me, I'm vaguely aware of Liam groaning through his own release. Those long, low sounds of ecstasy rumbling through the chest pressed to mine, his head buried in the crook of my neck.

It feels…good—right—in a way I wasn't expecting. I don't know what it means. I wanted a better handle on my in the closet or out dilemma before having to answer that question, but what I can say for certain is, I like this. Liam on my chest, sated, both of us trying to steady our breath. It makes me want to run my hand through his hair, down his back, over…

I'm still gripping his ass. Hard.

One by one, I peel my fingers off him, somewhat shocked by the stiffness in my hand that suggests I was holding so tight I might've left bruises. Oops.

With a final exhale and a satisfied sigh, Liam musters the energy to roll off me, so he's lying next to me, flat on his back. "That was not the homecoming I was expecting, but I am not complaining." His chest rises enticingly as he runs a lazy hand over it. "What brought that on?"

"I um…"

Liam rolls to his side, bending his elbow so he can prop his head on his hand to look at me. "Did something happen while you were gone? Aside from the loss, I mean?"

"Like what?" My tongue darts out to wet my lips, a movement his eyes track carefully.

"I don't know. Something to make you question yourself."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because usually I have to do something that triggers your need to play hero before dicks come out, and that didn't happen today."

Perceptive fucker.

This isn't the homecoming I expected either, but now… Since my body decided not to do nothing, I owe it to Liam to be honest, even if I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I take a deep breath and hold it, letting it out slowly before taking another one. Finally, having gathered my courage, I let my head fall to the side so I can see him. God, I hope I'm doing the right thing. "Dani thinks I have a crush on you."

Eyes that were nearly brown with wariness suddenly skew green as they grow wide, settling into their normal state as they start to register. "Is she right?"

"Maybe. Yes."

"Which is it?" Liam's face is uncharacteristically blank, deliberately so I think, like he's being careful not to influence what I say.

Swallowing back my nerves, I whisper, "I didn't touch you first."

"What?" His brows scrunch together.

"Usually, I have to touch you. In the past, I've had to see you getting aroused before I can. This time I just looked at you and I… I felt it. On my own."

Liam's eyes shine as green as I've ever seen them, and it's such a pure, borderline delighted reaction, I swear I actually feel my heart slam against my breastbone. He's really beautiful like this.

"So, that means you have a crush on me?" He bites his bottom lip like he's trying to stop from smiling.

"I think so." I fight a grin of my own. "Dani asked if I was attracted to you, and made me picture you in my mind, and when I did that, she started to fan her face."

The almost smile turns into a full-on, brilliant one, unlike anything I've ever seen him wear, and the fact I caused it… It literally makes my breath catch in my chest.

"What?" Liam inhales sharply when he realizes I'm not breathing.

"You. You're…" I roll to my side so I'm facing him. "Are you happy? You like that I have a crush on you?" If he does, that would both simplify and complicate things.

A soft pink flush fills his cheeks as he nods, almost shyly. It's fucking adorable, and so unlike his usual grumpy persona. "Yeah. I've um…sort of had one on you for a while."

"You didn't say anything."

Liam traps his lips between his teeth and reaches for my arm, trailing a finger down my bicep. "I didn't think it'd be fair to tell you, since you weren't sure if you were capable of feeling the same way. I didn't want to confuse you more."

"I guess that makes sense."

"So." Liam's fingers make their way to mine, where he lets them rest. Not quite holding hands but connecting us all the same. "What does this mean?"

"Honestly? I'm not sure." I give Liam a weak smile. "Dani said I need to decide if I want to be in the closet or out, but I don't know—"

"Hey." Liam squeezes my hand in his. "That's not what I meant. That's a pretty big step, and we already took one today by admitting how we feel. I don't expect either of us to take another so soon. I was more curious about what you want to happen in this room, just the two of us."

My brow furrows as I consider the question. "I don't understand. Do you mean…sex?"

"I think we do okay with that, at least so far." There's a mischievous sparkle in his eyes as they take a quick trip down my body. "I was referring more to other things, like holding hands. Kissing." His gaze lingers on my lips.

"You want to kiss me?"

"If you're okay with that."

I look at his lips, full and pink and slightly parted, and nod my head.

Liam lets go of my hand and brings his to my face, tracing my jaw from cheek to chin. Then his thumb finds my lips, ghosting over them so delicately only the shiver in my spine confirms that he actually made contact. Green eyes locked on mine, he inches forward until our lips brush together.

It's so soft. Tender. Nothing like the rushed and rowdy kisses I've seen or even attempted myself, believing urgency was the key to arousal. No, this is sweet. Savoring. Full of emotion rather than carnal need, which somehow makes it even more sensual.

I like it.

My eyes flutter closed as I lean into the kiss, but it stays slow and gentle despite the increased pressure, and the sudden uptick in my heartbeat.

Can he feel that?

My mouth opens and closes against his, over and over, like we're passing the same breath between us, which strikes me as intensely erotic. Then Liam's tongue licks along mine, swift and slight, and my contented moan echoes in the otherwise silent room as he smiles against my mouth.

That's when I feel it. The stirring in my groin that's starting to become normal with Liam. I'm getting hard.

"Oh God," I gasp against his lips, and he pulls back hurriedly, eyes laden with concern as his shoulders tense.

"What's wrong? Was it too much?"

"No, I…" He follows my gaze to my dick, which is making a valiant effort to wake up again. "I think I like kissing you. A lot."

Liam's shoulders sag with relief as he huffs, "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that."

I catch sight of his own hardening cock and snort, "I've got some idea."