6. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

I felt more in control of myself the day after Asher and I met, but by Friday, the aching need in my lower belly started coming back. It wasn't quite as mind-numbingly intense as it was the first time I felt it, but it was still impossible to ignore. At the end of my work day, I gave a tentative lick to my wrist, and then another one because I wasn't sure if I'd done it right.

After the second lick, I winced. He'll probably be annoyed by that. I left work and headed to Heartbridge Cave. I wanted to comfort myself by saying that I'd get the hang of it, but I didn't want that. I'd much rather have the mark on my wrist gone. Maybe El could find a solution.

I arrived before him and sat on the same rock where we'd cuddled. The shirt he'd given me and the pants he'd worn were there, so I folded them to pass the time and to keep me from feeling less embarrassed about everything. But embarrassment became anxiousness the longer I sat there. The sky had been light when I arrived, but it was dusk now. About fifteen minutes had passed, and I'd been sitting in the silence of that cave with only the company of the floating stone above my head.

I let out a sigh and lay back on the rock, staring at the Heartbridge. There were markings carved into the underside of the stone, the symbols from an old runic language. It was said that those markings lit up when the gods walked across it. I didn't believe that any god had ever set foot on the bridge. In my lifetime, no one had seen it light up.

Another half-hour passed before I heard Asher enter the cave. I sat up to watch him. Despite my anxiousness, I never got tired of seeing his wolf. His white-and-silver coloring gave him such a majestic, dignified appearance. My fingers twitched with the desire to run through his fur. When he shifted and stood naked before me, I turned away to stifle the urge to caress him. As I heard him approach, I offered his folded clothes. He snatched them from me, disregarding the neat way I'd folded them. I bristled.

"It took you forever to show up," I said. "And then you act like that?" It was obvious he was annoyed about having to see me, but did he have to be so rude about it?

From the corner of my eye, I saw the frustration in the way he yanked on his pants. "I came as quickly as I could," he snapped. "You licked the mark twice, and I thought you were in pain. But now I see you've been sitting here perfectly fine. I feel like I've rushed here on the whim of some brat."

Guilt gnawed at me, but annoyance won out. "I didn't mean to make you rush when I licked twice, I just thought I did it wrong. I can apologize for that much, but "—I raised my chin, eyeing him as he started to put on his shirt—"I'm not ‘some brat', Asher. Apparently, I'm your fated mate. Shouldn't you be more respectful, or at least cut me some slack?"

He snorted but didn't respond. Whatever. I'd take that as a win.

When he was dressed, he sat down next to me. There was a hand's worth of space between us, and we weren't touching. After our little argument, neither of us were eager to start talking, so there was nothing else to do but listen to the crickets chirping outside and the whistle of the wind blowing in the cave.

Now that Asher was here, my wolf wanted out. When I was younger, my parents had told me that a shifter should honor their wolf by shifting many times a week, but I hadn't been able to do that. My wolf hadn't been free to run around since my run home Wednesday night. She was desperate to stretch her muscles and play with Asher's wolf. Her restlessness transferred to me, and I huffed, wriggling from side to side on the rock. The movement caused my shoulder to bump against his.

"Stop that," he said.

I turned to him so I could meet his glare with my own angry stare. "I can't help it. I want to shift."

"No."

The flat refusal made my temper rise. "Why not? This is the only time I can let out my wolf without anyone seeing."

"No," he said again. And just when I thought he was going to leave it at that, he added, "It's safer to stay in the cave and out of sight."

I huffed again. It struck me as very unfair that I had to keep my wolf inside when any other shifter could let theirs out when they wanted. And it wasn't fair that I had to listen to this rude man instead of doing what my wolf and I both wanted. I thought about the curse he claimed to have. The curse that supposedly kept him in his wolf form most of the day.

I remembered one story a pix elder had told me shortly after I'd been cast out of high-wolf society. It was a legend about how powerful Holo was. As a night goddess, she could control the tides surrounding Emrys. When a dark god rose to power, she'd sent him into to the depths of the ocean as punishment. Most gods were said to be weakened by the salt in the water. It was a good story, but I didn't know why I was thinking about it. Actually, it only annoyed me more.

"Is it even real?" I demanded.

His eyes narrowed at me. "Is what real?"

"Your curse. The only time I ever see you in your wolf form is when you arrive, but then you're human for hours."

"Of course it's real," he snapped. "I'm able to stay human because of the magic in our bond. Or maybe there's some magic left in this cave that keeps me together. Either way, it's none of your business."

My comment had hit too close to home. To soften that, I tried to explain. "I'm only saying that it doesn't make sense, Asher."

"No, I guess it wouldn't make sense to someone like you."

"Hold on," I said, getting heated again. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He sneered at me. "It's amazing that you have to ask. You're the most close-minded person I've ever met, and you don't even try to hide it. You have the strongest evidence for the existence of the gods on your own wrist, but you still doubt them."

"I don't want to talk about theology, Asher, but since you brought it up, I think it's silly to have blind faith in something so unknown."

He started to respond, but I rushed to keep speaking because I wasn't finished.

"All I'm saying is that I don't understand your curse. How can I when I've never seen the effects of it?"

He shook his head. "You talk about respect, but you refuse to believe what I'm telling you. I think that makes you the last person anyone would want to be fate-bonded to."

His words were like a slap to the face. I'd spent the last five years believing I was undesirable. Yes, I'd offended him, but it really hurt to hear someone like Asher give voice to my worst insecurities.

"I wish you hadn't said that," I whispered.

I wanted to leave so I could stew and cry alone, but we hadn't spent enough time together to stave off my urges. If I left now, we'd have to meet up again tomorrow. My pride demanded I go, but I didn't have a choice but to stay and to try to satisfy my desires as quickly as possible.

Asher didn't apologize, but at least he had the decency to look uncomfortable. I used my fingers to dash away the tears that formed at the corner of my eye.

"I'm going to get in your lap now," I said. "The faster we get this over with, the better."

"Fine." He moved his arms to give me room.

I got into his lap, and in response, Asher's arms wrapped around me gently. Of its own volition, my head rested against his chest, and his body moved to cradle mine. Each one of his even breaths helped to lull me, and I found I liked the feeling of his heart beating steadily against my temple.

It was almost like our bodies were apologizing to each other for what our minds had made us say. But that wasn't right. I was still upset, but despite everything, I was beginning to sink into him. It was like the fated mate mark was trying to make me forgive him before I was ready.

I frowned as restless anxiety crept back into me. Why did it seem like Asher was so calm? He had been just as upset as I was only seconds before. Was he so used to having women sit in his lap that he felt at ease even when he was holding someone he didn't know? The questions came with prickling jealousy. I didn't want to think about Asher with any other women.

He must have felt me stiffen, because he barked, "Can't you just relax for a few minutes?"

"No, I can't," I retorted. "I don't like this any more than you do. There are so many things I have planned for my future, but instead of focusing on that, I'm in this stupid cave with you." I looked up at him, and the golden hue of his eyes almost made me forget my anger. Almost. "The faster we get rid of this bond, the better."

"That's one of the few times you've said something I can agree with. There has to be some way to get rid of this thing."

"Do you have any ideas?" I asked.

"Not really," he admitted. "I'll have to ask around."

"I don't have many ideas, either," I said. I adjusted my position in his lap, turning so that my right side was flush with his chest. Maybe it was because I'd spent so much time sitting on the rock already, but his thighs were just as hard under my butt, and I was starting to go numb. "My friend Eleanor is supposed to be looking into things?—"

"Goddess, can you not?" His harsh voice cut me short.

"What?" I demanded.

"Stop squirming around so much. It's fucking annoying."

I glared up at him. "If it annoys you so much, you should try being a more accommodating pillow."

He gave a short, mocking laugh. "Fine, if that's what you want." He gripped my waist and turned me until I was straddling him, then pulled me in close. Something poked my inner thigh in this new position, and when I looked down, I had a full view of exactly what all my squirming had done to him.

He was hard as granite, straining against his loose pants. Sweat formed along my spine. It was impossible not to let my imagination run wild. It took everything in me to keep still and not give in to the desire to grind against him. Not only would that put my aching clit too close to the tent in his pants, but I'd be letting him win in this battle of wills. I despised him for making little tremors trace across my shoulders.

"You're doing this on purpose," I said. It came out like a whine, and I despised him for that, too.

His answering chuckle filled my ears, goosebumps rising on my arms. "Fair is fair," he replied, and his deep voice made me shiver.

I bit my lip. Part of me wondered what more skin-to-skin contact with him would do to me. To him. I pulled back and peered up into golden eyes that sparkled with mischief. This would be so much easier if he weren't so damn beautiful.

"What?" he asked, smirking. "Nothing more to say?"

He had gone far enough.

Letting my body do what it wanted, I leaned forward and brushed my lips over his. It was just a sliver of contact, not even really a kiss. I intended to leave it there, but the surprised expression on his face emboldened me to do more. I just hoped that in the course of getting a little revenge, I wasn't making a terrible mistake.

My hands moved up his chest and held onto his shirt as I pressed my lips to his for a second time.

These weren't my first kisses. I'd already let Connor have that honor because I'd believed we were meant to be. Connor's kisses could be lovely and sweet when he was in the mood to be kind to me, but it didn't usually have much of an effect on me.

With Asher, it was the opposite.

His hands pressed into my lower back as he pulled me even closer to deepen the kiss. His mouth was warm, almost hot against mine, and my heartbeat went supersonic. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, and when I opened mine to moan, his tongue slipped in. I gripped his shirt tighter and let him explore my mouth and taste as much as he wanted.

The tip of his cock twitched against my clothed core, and for a crazy moment, I wished we were naked. If we were, he could be inside me, and I wouldn't feel empty ever again. I knew he wanted that just as much as I did; his desire was a divine flavor that spread over my tongue.

The longer we kissed, the more I lost all rationality. I flattened my hands on the hard muscles of his chest. His skin was hot even under his shirt. I felt a deep rumble in his chest, almost a cat's purr. I let my tongue slide over his, needing him to make that sound again.

Somehow, through the haze of lust that had settled over my brain, there was still a trace of reason left. That sense of reason took inventory of me, noting that my wolf had fallen silent, and my skin no longer itched. My needs were finally sated again. The moment I realized this, I pulled back, abruptly ending the dreamy kiss.

Asher dragged his tongue over his lips, slowly opening his eyes. He gazed at me like he could make my worries disappear and my dreams come true. "Was that accommodating enough for you?" he asked. His voice was gentle but husky with desire.

The tips of my ears burned with embarrassment, and I couldn't respond. I pushed off his lap and rushed out of the cave without saying anything or making a sound. That had been way too dangerous. If we'd kept that up, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from begging him to fuck me just to douse the fire building inside. I couldn't lose myself like that again.

I needed to talk to El and find out if she had any information about how to break the bond. The pix were my only hope, because they had access to knowledge most wolves had forgotten.

There were pix villages located across the island, but according to El, the pix were only native to Isle Royale. They lived in treetops and large shrubs for the most part, but some liked to stay close to the sea along the sandy coastline, while other, braver pix burrowed underground on feral lands. You could tell when you were near a pix village because there wasn't a bug in sight. In the summer, when mosquitos were at their most ravenous, a pix village was a nice reprieve. The only place they steered clear of was Kestrel's hut.

El lived in the trees with her family. That was why we usually met on the path leading to the Holo statue. When I stopped by her village, I spotted her telltale aquamarine wings flittering in the upper branches of a tall pine tree.

"El!" I called, and waved at her.

"Phae!" She fluttered down to meet me, a basket made of woven pine needles on her arm. She must've been shopping. "You must've read my mind. I've been flying around forever, and my body is sore." She sat on my shoulder and pounded her own with her fists.

"Well, my shoulder is always available for you," I said, moving away from the other pix to give us some privacy. "But I came here to talk about something."

"Yes?"

"The fated mate mark."

El stiffened, and the beating of her wings stilled for a few moments. "We can talk about that later," she said quickly to hide the lapse. "Why don't you let me take a look at your wounds? Are they healing nicely?"

"I think so." I pulled down my shirt, and she flitted down to look at the bindings. I changed them yesterday, but I hadn't done it today because it didn't hurt so much anymore. She removed the bandages and gasped.

"Wow, your skin is completely smooth." She pressed a tiny hand to the healed skin. "Not even a scar! It must have been my pix ointment, huh?" She grinned at me, and I forced myself to smile back.

"Maybe so."

I didn't care that Asher's bite didn't leave a scar. In my old life as Connor's chosen mate, I'd tried to avoid being blemished at all costs. Every stretch mark, tiny scar, and freckle were covered with makeup until my skin looked smooth. Now I couldn't care less about them.

But now that she'd checked out my wound, maybe she'd be up for talking about the bond. "El, you said you'd look into the fated mate mark," I reminded her. "Have you found any information about it?"

"You're being so serious tonight. Why don't we talk about something else? Look." She opened her basket and flew up to my face to show me the maroon dress she was making with one of the silk socks I'd stolen. "Isn't this turning out beautifully?"

"Um, yeah. It's very pretty. But, El, I want to talk about the mark. It involves my life, you know? My future. Asher is arrogant and a massive jerk, and I'm already worried enough about trying to find a way to make more money. I don't need to be forcibly bonded to someone like him on top of everything else."

She avoided looking at me. Her avoidant reaction scraped at wounds that were already raw after meeting with Asher. Was she pulling back on our friendship?

When she didn't respond, my temper flared. "El, do you know how to break the bond or not?" I demanded.

She shook her head. "I don't."

She was lying to me. I've always been perceptive, and I could read the little clues people gave off when they lied: looking away, fidgeting, getting defensive, and so on. El knew I could tell when she was lying, but she didn't try to correct herself or apologize for it.

"Why are you lying to me? I thought we were friends."

"We are," she insisted. "I'm just trying to keep you safe. Getting rid of a mate bond is too dangerous, Phae. You could die."

I glared at her. "Why don't you let me decide what's too dangerous for me?"

"Because I know how desperate you are. You'll just do something stupid if I tell you anything."

"So, now you're saying I'm impulsive? That I'm stupid? When have I ever made a decision without thinking it through for days? When have I taken unnecessary risks?"

She frowned at me. "You never used to, but things have changed now that you have your wolf. You're different, you're moody, and you're not acting the way you used to. You're doing things the old you never would, and I'm worried these changes will make you do something reckless."

Tears stung my ears—I was close to losing control. "Eleanor, do you think you know more about what's best for me than I do?" I whispered.

Her eyebrows knitted together. "In this case, yes, Phae. Please just trust me. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Well, it's too late for that," I snapped. "How can you ask me to trust you after you lied to my face? How can your lies be for my own good if it means I have to stay bonded to a man who hates me?" I stopped, breathing hard. "I can't be here anymore," I whispered. "I have to go."

"Phaedra, wait." She fluttered in front of me when I turned away. "Please. I hate that I've made you so angry. I'm sorry I implied that you were stupid, and I'm sorry I pissed you off. I just don't want you to make a mistake."

I nearly caved. Her apology wasn't a lie. But everything she'd said reminded me of the way I'd been abandoned. People who claimed they wanted what was best for me vanished from my life when Connor rejected me. El was rejecting me too.

"If you really wanted to keep me from making a mistake, you'd help me," I said. "If you wanted to make me feel better, you'd let me decide whether or not to get rid of my bond to Asher. But you won't do that, will you?"

Leaving El behind, I pushed on. I was in a rage all the way home. If anyone from Den City got on my nerves, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from snapping at them. I thought I'd carry this anger with me for hours even after I'd made it back to my den, but the minute the door was closed and I was surrounded with things I'd gathered to make this place feel like home, I sank to the floor and finally let the sobs rack through me.