19. Phaedra

PHAEDRA

I left for home as quickly as I could. For the first time, Asher was the one to lick the mark, and I couldn't contain my excitement.

As I walked along the path to Heartbridge Cave, I felt like I was going on a first date. I had never been so excited to see someone. Even when Connor and I were dating, the prospect of meeting him never made my heart beat in the happy rhythm it was now.

I didn't see Asher as an enemy or someone I had to tolerate anymore. He was my mate, and I couldn't deny how wonderful it felt to be around him. But there were things we needed to talk about if I was going to join his pack. I didn't know much about who he was. Was he a good provider? Did he want kids? If so, how many?

I was giggling to myself, thinking about kids, when the hair on the back of my neck stood straight. I stopped walking and turned around. I felt like there was someone watching me, someone just behind the line of Douglas firs lining the path behind me.

I was debating whether I should investigate when I heard something burst out of the trees to the right of me. I nearly screamed—but it was just El.

"Eleanor," I groaned, placing a hand on my chest. "You nearly gave me a heart attack."

She giggled. "Sorry about that. When I spotted you wearing my masterpiece, I just had to get a closer look."

I smiled and twirled in the dress. "It fits me so well, El."

"I know," she said, her grin deservedly self-satisfied. "You're a great model, Phae. Why didn't I ever think about making clothes for you before?"

"The cost of material?"

"Ah." She nodded. "That must be it. So, how did your visit to the library go?"

"Oh!" My tense muscles relaxed as I resumed my walk with El flying next to me. "Actually, things didn't go so well at first. Nothing I read gave me any information. It was all a bunch of books that sung praises of Holo. And then Edgar and I had a conversation."

"You talked to the alpha?" She grimaced. "That must have been awkward."

"It was at first." I paused, thinking back to just how awkward it had been. "Especially when he asked me who claimed me and how I got my wolf."

She gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. "Oh, my gods. How did you get out of that?"

"It was such a shock. I didn't even know how to respond. But he didn't push me on the details. He did say he disapproved of the way Connor ended things, and to be honest, it was a little validating."

"Huh. I can imagine." El crossed her arms. "Edgar kind of sounds like a good guy."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Overall, it was a nice visit, but I had no luck finding an end to the curse. I did find a way to end the mate bond."

El fell quiet when I brought up the bond, but I went on speaking anyway.

"The book mentioned a spell Asher and I would need to complete to break the bond. I couldn't really read the language. It's like the symbols shift around in my brain when I try."

"Oh, how strange!" Her cheery tone sounded forced.

I tried to look at her, but she quickly hid herself under my chin. It was something she did when she didn't want me to see her face.

I frowned. "Eleanor, I know you know something about ending these bonds. Why won't you just tell me?"

"What does it matter now? Asher claimed you, and you're staying on the island."

"You're right. I've made my choice. That means it won't change anything if I know how to get rid of it."

"It's too dangerous, Phae."

I reached for her spot on my shoulder and gently picked her up. I rarely held her in my hand, but every time I did, it felt so surreal to see a little person sitting in my palm. Her gossamer sapphire wings felt like petals against my skin.

Eleanor buckled under my beseeching gaze and sighed. "Do you promise you won't do the ritual no matter what?"

"I promise."

"Well, I hope you keep that promise, because if you want to break the bond you have to talk to the enemy of all pix. Kestrel." She shuddered at the name. "We pix know a bit more about magic than shifters do, and because we're from Emrys, we still have the magic of that land inside of us. To do the spells Kestrel does for people, she will eat us to absorb that magic."

The thought of Kestrel plucking a pix from the air and choking them down filled me with revulsion.

"That's why you absolutely can't do the ritual," El implored. She fluttered her wings, and I let her go so she could fly next to me again. "It's bad news for everyone."

"Okay, I get it." No wonder the pix were terrified of Kestrel.

El and I continued our walk in silence for a few moments, until something she had said stood out to me.

"If pix are from Emrys, do you know how to go back? Or how to get in touch with one of the gods?"

"No, we don't. But we wouldn't want to go back anyway."

"Really?" I tilted my head. "But it's paradise."

"So they say." She rolled her eyes. "None of the pix alive have ever been to Emrys, but we do have stories about what life was like over there. Most of them talk about how unpleasant the gods were and how mind-numbingly dull things were for us there."

Dull? Unpleasant? I'd never heard Emrys described that way. Every book I'd read about the place today talked about how wolves would do anything to cross the bridge—not unlike how they fought just to be part of high-wolf society. The comparison suddenly disturbed me. Surely if there were gods, they would conduct themselves with more grace than the leaders of high-wolf society. Surely they'd be more like Edgar than Connor.

El and I said our goodbyes. She went on to the pix village, and I entered the cave. Asher was waiting, and the moment he saw me, he got to his feet and walked toward me.

"Hey," I said, meeting him in the middle. "It's the first time you—oh." He pulled me against him and held me tightly. The sudden display of affection was unexpected but very welcomed. I hugged him back, taking a deep inhale of his scent.

"I missed you," he murmured into my hair. "So fucking much."

"I missed you, too." I turned my head to kiss his temple and his cheek. He met me for the third kiss, pressing me against the smooth rock wall. His kiss seared my blood and made my toes curl. The taste of him left me breathless and wanting more… but there was an urgency to it, like he was hanging on to me for dear life.

I could have continued kissing him forever, but I pulled back. "Hey," I said, taking his face in my hands. "What's wrong?"

"Mm." His voice was low, almost but not quite a growl, but I knew he wasn't upset with me. "Is there something wrong with a man wanting to see his mate?"

"M-mate?" It was the first time he'd called me that, and it filled my body with tingles.

"Yes." He nuzzled into my neck and kissed the spot where it met my shoulder. "Especially when you look so gorgeous in this dress."

I shivered as his hands moved over me to hold my waist. "Asher, where is all this coming from?"

"I missed you," he said again and pressed kisses to my skin. He was scruffy, and his facial hair tickled my neck. I giggled, eliciting a laugh from him. It was such a warm, tender moment that I felt I had to share my news.

"I went to the library today," I said. "And I got access to a section of the library with really promising books. I think in another visit or two, I should find something encouraging."

He stepped back and touched my cheek, "How'd you manage that?"

"Oh, well." I laughed again, but this time it was to cover up the sudden burst of nervousness I felt. "Edgar made the entire library available to me."

He stilled when I said the alpha's name. His expression was unreadable. His silence was hard to bear, so I kept talking.

"I-I like him, Asher. He didn't even ask what I was looking up, he just let me have free rein." Since leaving, I got the impression he might have given it to me because he felt bad about how things ended with Connor, but I didn't need to bring that bit up. "Anyway, I'm still sure there's something there."

He kissed my forehead. "I'm glad you're trying."

It felt like a noncommittal response to what I'd said, but I didn't want to pry into it. Now he was closer, I noticed that though he was smiling for me, there were bags the color of fading bruises under his eyes.

"You look tired," I said, touching his cheek as if I could brush away the tiredness with my fingers alone. "Are the skirmishes with Connor going poorly?"

He shook his head. "No, things are fine on that front."

"Then, what's wrong?" I placed my hands over his and gently removed them from my face. "Can I help?"

His answering smile was sad. "It's nothing you should worry about."

But that didn't put me at ease, nor did the sudden almost manic gleam in his eye. Something was off, and whatever it was, made him desperate for my touch, but it wasn't something I could help with. At least, he didn't want to let me help.

"Let's make tonight about us," he said.

"Okay," I said, hesitant but hopeful.

"Will you come meet my pack?"

My eyes widened, and happiness surged inside me. "Asher… do you mean it?"

"Yes. We can go tonight."

"Oh, but…" I ran my hands over my dress to smooth out all the wrinkles, and tried to tuck the hair that had fallen out of place back where it belonged. "Should I have kept my heels on? It didn't seem practical to walk here in them. Actually, is this dress too much? If I'd known we were going there, I would've… well, it's not like I had anything else to wear that fits to occasion, but maybe I could've put something else together."

His laugh brought my fretting up short. "Did you forget what I said? You look beautiful, Phaedra. If anything, I wish I was dressed like the kind of man who deserved to be seen with a woman like you on his arm."

I thought my head might explode because my face was so hot. Somehow, I agreed without stuttering, and he took my hand and led me to his territory. I turned my face away and fanned my heated cheeks. He really knew what to say to make a woman feel special.

But that special feeling didn't carry into the Dagger pack territory. The moment I saw the spiral formation of cabins for the first time, I felt I wasn't welcome there. As Asher pulled me farther into the spiral, that feeling only became more apparent.

"Asher, do you have a moment?" An older wolf had come out of one of the cabins and called him over. He looked around Edgar's age, but it was obvious he hadn't lived the cozy life Edgar had. His hair was completely gray, and his hazel eyes, which weren't unlike Asher's, held a lifetime's worth of exhaustion. This was a man who had lived through a lot.

Asher sighed, and gave me an apologetic look. "This is my Uncle Garrett," he said. "Uncle Garrett, meet Phaedra."

His uncle extended his hand to me, and I shook it. His hand completely eclipsed mine.

"I see the family resemblance," I said. "You have the same eyes."

His hard face softened a bit at my observation, and his eyes sparkled. "I appreciate that. I'm sorry I have to take him away."

"It's okay." I looked at Asher and smiled. "I'll wait for you out here."

"You sure? I could find someone to stand here with you."

The thought of having Asher leave me with security in his pack gave me the shivers. How would that come off to his people? "No, no, that's fine. I don't need an entourage. I'll be okay."

He hesitated a bit longer, but Garrett pulled his attention back. "Don't worry, I'll have him back to you in just a few minutes."

I nodded, still smiling, but as Asher left to speak to his uncle, my smile faltered. I stood with my hands behind my back and stared down the path ahead. We were still in the outer rings of the pack, but there was still a notable curve in the street. It was such a novelty to see homes above-ground outside of high-wolf society. The spiral configuration was fascinating. I would give anything to have a bird's-eye-view of the place.

As I thought about it, something tapped my ankle. I glanced down and saw a small ball. A child of about five or six years old ran up to me and crouched to pick it up. She looked up at me, grinning widely. She had endlessly curly brown hair tied into pigtails. One of the ribbons tying a pigtail threatened to come undone any second.

"Hello there," I said to the happy child.

"Hi!" she chirped back. "Are you the alpha's mate?"

"Oh! Um…" I was spared having to respond when the girl's mother suddenly called her away. She gave me another grin, then ran off to see what her mother wanted. The woman picked up her daughter and set her on her hip. When she looked at me, I lifted my hand to wave, but she quickly turned away.

I slowly lowered my hand, my smile fading.

"Excuse me."

I jumped at the gruff voice behind me. A man was trying to push a wheelbarrow of soil past.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I stepped out of his way.

He grunted as he went by, not acknowledging my apology. I bit my lip, watching him go by. I wondered why the Dagger pack was so standoffish. I racked my brain for some answer, and then it hit me. It was my clothes, my hair, my scent. I looked and smelled like someone who had been plucked right out of high-wolf society. I was an enemy wolf. How could they treat me any differently?

This realization came with a wave of sad acceptance. It was a shame, because I found the cabins so beautiful. They were well-built, constructed from whole logs the pack must have cut down themselves. Though they were all based off the same or similar build, they each had their own personality. Some cabins had flowers, others had welcome mats, and others had windchimes. The possibilities for individuality were endless. The village was so full of life. Knowing these people were suffering because of the actions of one man made my heart twist. It wasn't fair.

The Dagger pack might never accept me as Asher's mate. Hell, they might not ever like me, either. But so what? I was used to not being liked. I could look at these people, see the wooden structures they built, watch their children play with toys that someone had lovingly carved by hand, and I knew the worth of them. They were each entitled to live their lives, entitled to eat and hunt as much as any wolf who lived in high society, and yet Connor and his friends thought of them as curs.

And just like that, another seed of doubt was planted. I liked Edgar a lot—he was just as much part of my family as my adoptive parents had been—but how could I weigh his life over the lives of the Dagger pack? If killing him would save an entire pack, who was I to stand in their way?

Trying to square it all in my mind was giving me a headache. I knew finding an alternative to Edgar's death was not a waste of time. Killing him might be a faster way to deal with the problem, but that didn't mean it was better. That said… I didn't think I could blame Asher for being so desperate to save his people.

"Phaedra," Asher said as he came out of the cabin. "I'm sorry it took me so long."

"It's okay," I chirped.

He frowned at my forced cheer and took my hand. "Are you okay? Did something happen while I was gone?"

"Oh. Well…" I didn't want to get anyone in his pack in trouble.

He took my hand and kissed the back of it. "You don't have to protect them, Phae."

"I know but, well, I can't blame them. After all, who wouldn't be a little stiff toward an enemy wolf?" I forced a laugh. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Why don't you show me the rest of the cabins?" I asked, intertwining our fingers. "I'm fascinated by how unique they are."

"Oh. Sure." He knew I was changing the subject, but he didn't push it.

Asher and I resumed our walk along the spiral. After those two interactions, the rest of the Dagger pack seemed to give me as wide a berth as possible. No one spoke to either of us. It made me wonder if they were mad at Asher. If they were, was it because he had claimed a woman from an enemy pack, or was there something more to it? I didn't think Asher would tell me the truth if I asked, so I kept the question to myself.

What's the point in having a mate you can't trust? hissed that awful inner doubt. I ignored it. Why did it always appear at the least helpful moment?

As we walked back through the spiral, Asher looked at the people milling around and tapped his chin. "Huh."

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just that we've been here for an hour and no one who's in their human form has shifted into their wolf form. This is the most coherent I've seen them in weeks."

"That is strange," I said. "To be honest, Asher, it's confusing when you talk about the curse because I've never seen its effects. I know you're telling the truth, but I just can't imagine it."

He chuckled. "I know, but maybe that's part of the reason."

I didn't know what he meant by that, but he didn't elaborate. Asher walked me away from his pack and as far as Heartbridge Cave. There, he gave me a few more searing kisses and returned to his village. I headed back home.

As I reached my den, I found a note nailed to my door. My guard was immediately up. Usually, when someone had a note like this, it was because they owed someone money or were being evicted from their den for some reason.

I didn't waste time. If I needed to pay something, I still had the remainder of my savings. Rather than go inside my den, I could just settle the debt and be done with it. I tore open the letter and read its contents. It was much worse than I thought.

" Stay away from the Dagger Pack and their alpha. Or your little blue pix will suffer the consequences. "

The letter wasn't signed, but there was a short lock of blue hair pasted to the bottom of it. Eleanor had been taken.