Chapter Thirty-five

The school shut down for a week after the Halloween massacre. When they resume classes the following Monday, the principal held a meeting in the auditorium honoring the ones that lost their lives that night.

Tia and I couldn't bear to attend the funerals. The guilt within me was too consuming. I couldn't face their families knowing I was the reason their brother, sister, niece, daughter, son, or cousin were shot in cold blood. The students who were injured eventually made a full recovery—physically anyway. I tried to pick up extra shifts at the restaurant. It was the only way I could shut off my emotions. I barely ate, barely slept, and I was behind on my classes with all the days I missed. My daughter was the only thing that was keeping me together.

As promised, I kept my distance from Ash and Doni, but it didn't stop them from calling or texting me. Ash even called Tia, but she wasn't answering him even though she really wanted to. I know she cares deeply for Ash.

The hurt that spread across Doni's face the night I walked away from him tore me apart. The pain is excruciating. It felt like a bomb went off in my body, leaving pieces of me scattered all around for vultures to feast on.

The girls and guys tried to comfort me by inviting me for a night out, but I couldn't. Laughing and enjoying spending time with friends while seven high school kids are buried six feet underground felt wrong.

So wrong.

There's a soft knock at my door the same time my phone dings, alerting me to a text message. Before I can respond, my door opens and Dad peeks into my room.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Dad has "changed" over a new leaf. Using the quotes around the word changed sarcastically because it's not the first time he shut off his drunken part of himself and pretended to be a loving and caring father. I swear he does it at least twice a year. He's been home since the incident. I came home from Tia's and walked into him and Mom dancing to "Siete Rosas" by Grupo Mojado like nothing happened. A dozen red roses sat on the end table in the living room. Mom said Dad paid the rent and other bills after a big job he'd done. But I knew better even though my mother was stupid enough to believe he changed.

This so-called new version of Dad usually only lasts a week. Surprisingly, his fa?ade has lasted longer this time than I anticipated.

Standing up with my back against the window. My body on full alert, ready to jump out the window. I still don't trust him.

"You going to help your mother or you going to sit in here all day?" he snaps.

And there it is.

"Get your ass out here and help your mother." He slams the door behind him.

Believe it or not, there was a time when Dad was a loving and fun father. He was someone I wanted to look after me. Protect me. Help me with my homework. Teach me how to drive. Scare the boys away because no one was good enough for his little girl. To be proud of me.

Instead, he was hell-bent on terrorizing his own family. Something snapped in him after I turned five years old. That's when his drinking and gambling grew out of control. It's as if the liquor brought the demons alive that were hiding inside of him, waiting patiently for the right moment to strike.

Dad's words to me the day he came back could only now be a memory. A memory I will hold onto of the kind of person I want Dad to return to.

"I love you, mija." His smile is almost affectionate. He takes a few steps into my bedroom, holding a pink rose in his hand that makes my heartbeat rapidly against my chest.

"I know I haven't been the father you and Josiah needed. There are no excuses for the horrible things I've said and done to you."

He reaches out to me but I back away until my heels are pressed against the wall. He drops his arms, sighing in defeat and closing his eyes. Hanging his head low, he shakes his head and looks up as I watch tears cascade down his cheeks. I've never seen my father cry before.

I feel a great wrench of sadness for him, because instead of loving and protecting his children, he took away our innocence. The acrimonious words that pierced through our little minds made us believe we were unworthy, unlovable, and a nuisance for existing. His fists forced us to heal the bruises on our bodies and cry in agony as our bones healed from being crushed with whatever he could use to cause the pain. An unforgivable pain that will follow us until the day we die.

We stare at each other, waiting for the other to speak. I'm frozen in place with shock, not knowing how to respond since I know it's not going to last.

"Forgive me." He wipes the tears from his face.

The images of the violence we succumbed to invades my mind. The nights worrying about the type of mood my father would be in. Dodging a beating, taking fists to my body and face. Bearing the lash of a belt to my back, legs, and face. Fighting for air as he chokes the life out of my already broken body. Hearing his voice roar, makingme tremble as a warm liquid dripped down my legs. Never once did I fight back knowing the repercussions would be ten times worse. Instead, I took it all. The pain, the torture, the heartache, and the pure agony of yearning for

my father's love. I wanted to be his little girl, not a piece of trash he could easily throw away.

He nods in understanding, but there's disappointment in his eyes. He walks away and shuts the door. I break down.

My phone chirps with multiple text messages, bringing me back to the present.

Tia: Feliz Acción De Gracias ?? Love you ?

Doni: Thinking of you. Always thinking of you.

Ash: Happy T Day Shorty. Love you.

Seb: Happy Thanksgiving. Stop by after if you can. Mom misses you.

Gio: Happy T DAY Babe

Max: ?? **Turkey emoji** **baby emoji**

Tiny: Miss you girl! Feliz Acción De Gracias ??

Lupe: Happy Thanksgiving girl!

Telle: We're here for you! Love you.

Abuela: Feliz Acción De Gracias mi Cielo. Nos vemos pronoto. Tu hija te extra?a.

After helping Mom with dinner, we eat in the living room with our TV trays, watching the football game. Jo has been on edge the entire evening. He sits on the other side of the couch, keeping Dad in his line of sight, while I sit on the single chair, leaving Dad and Mom to sit together. The bad feeling brewing in my gut is telling me this night can only end one way.

"Sadie, get me another beer and help your mother." Dad waves toward the kitchen, directing me to follow Mom. I glance at the empty beer bottle in his hand. Josiah snaps his head in my direction, giving me a worried look. He must be thinking the same thing I am; Dad's about to unleash his fury.

Walking into the kitchen and clearing my throat to get mom's attention, she turns to face me with a huge smile on her face that looks so fucking fake.

"Hi mija. ?Tienes hambre?" She turns back to washing the dishes in the sink. Our dishwasher has been broken for years and Dad refuses to buy a new one. He says it's for lazy people when we have hands to do the job.

"No, I'm not hungry," I say while gathering the food on the counter.

"Can you put the food away en la contenedores?

"Yep."

"Are you working tomorrow?" she asks while wiping down the counters.

"Yeah, all weekend."

"Mija." She sighs. "You can't keep working every day. What about school? Friends?"

She hasn't taken an interest in me since elementary school.

"I need the money, Mom. Plus, it keeps me distracted." My chest feels tight.

"Sadie. You can't be blaming yourself for what happened, are you?"

Yeah, well, you didn't see kids drop dead at your feet.

Sweeping the kitchen floor, I don't respond.

"Sadie." Her tone is now serious.

Looking up at Mom, I see the solemn look in her eyes which makes me angry. Angry because she hasn't been a mother to me for years.

Why now?

Why pretend to care?

She must see the pissed off look on my face because the next thing I know, she's wrapping me in her arms. I don't hug her back. I'm too stunned by this loving gesture. A gesture I have longed for.

"I'm so sorry, mija. You are so strong. My strong girl. Te queiro tanto mija." She pulls away, keeping her hands on my arm while looking into my eyes.

"You carry so much guilt, don't you mija?" she quietly asks.

I nod, feeling something wet on my cheeks. She wipes my tears away.

"Oh, mi amor. It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself for something that was out of your control. For so long, you have taken on so much. I didn't realize it until Josiah came home protecting you from me." She cups my face in her hands as I watch the tears build up in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry for not being the mother you deserve. I should've protected you. I should've taken better care of you Let me take your burden, mija." We're both crying now.

Mom pulls me back into her arms, holding tight as if she's afraid I'll float away.

"Por favor, perdóname," she whispers.

"I forgive you, Mom." It's the truth. There's no point in holding so much resentment and anger. All I wanted was for her to acknowledge I was her daughter. To be loved. To be held when my nightmares came to life. Abuela was right. Mom is also a victim of domestic abuse. She has been traumatized while caring for her family in the only way she knew how.

"Siempre serás lo major que la vida me dio."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you so much." She sighs in relief, glowing with happiness. "Don't forget you have a beautiful girl waiting for you," she whispers with a loving smile.

Our small hope of happiness is interrupted when Dad yells.

"Sadie! Give me my fucking beer!"

"Leave her alone. She's not your fucking slave," Jo snaps back.

And so, it begins.

"I need you to leave the house." Mom's smile vanishes and is replaced with worry.

"No. I'm not going to leave you," I whisper yell.

Mom pushes me out of the way. "Go now, mija. For once, just listen to me. Sophia needs you." She makes her way to the living room.

"Mom!" I try to reach for her but she's too fast.

"FUCK YOU!" Jo hollers.

"Don't you talk to me like that! I am your father. Who do you think you are?" Dad yells back in his thick Spanish accent, making it sound much scarier. Closing my eyes, I try to control my breathing.

I'm afraid to move.

"That's a fucking joke. Where the hell have you been in the last two months, huh? Need a fix so you can go back to beating your wife and daughter? Do you enjoy putting your hands on women? Breaking their bones? Making them bleed? Choke Sadie until she's unconscious? Where the fuck where you when she was almost raped!?"

Oh. God. Shut up Jo.

"Ricky, por favor," Mom pleads in a shaky tone.

"Mind your business, Dia!" Dad's voice booms throughout the house. My legs finally move toward the living room. I watch Dad lunge forward, grabbing Josiah by the shirt and twisting it into a grip. Josiah pushes Dad off and he stumbles back on the couch.

"Por favor! Stop this, please!" Mom cries frantically.

"Sade, get Mom out of here!" Jo orders but I stay in the same spot, unable to make my legs to move.

"Sade, NOW!" Jo bellows, glaring at me with his blood shot eyes.

Damnit.

"Mom, come on. We have to go," I plead, pulling Mom by her arms, but she yanks me away.

"Mom!"

"No, mija—"

Dad takes advantage of the distraction and throws a hard, straight punch to the right side of Jo's face and continues to throw punches while straddling him, making it difficult for Jo to push him off.

"NO! You're going to kill him!" Mom yells, trying to intervene, but Dad has other plans. He pushes himself off Jo and shoves Mom to the ground, hitting her head on the edge of the side table.

"Mom!" I scream as I run to her side.

"You fucking bastard! Don't touch her!" Jo gets up and lunges toward Dad, driving his fist deep into his gut and forcing him to his knees. Jo's fist connects with Dad's jaw, making him stumble over.

"Jo, Stop. Mom's hurt," I intercept before he kills Dad.

"Fuck!" Jo steadies himself and rushes to Mom's side.

"Mom, are you ok?" His voice is low but still on an adrenaline high. "Fuck."

I hold Mom's head up and that's when I notice blood on the back of her head. "You need to leave Josiah, please, take your sister and go," Mom cries, fisting Josiah's shirt in her hands.

"What? No, Mom. We're not leaving you."

Does she really think we would leave her with him?

"Mom, get up." Jo turns to face me. "Sade, take Mom and go to Tia's."

"Jo! Watch out!" I scream in horror as I watch Dad smash the TV tray over Jo's head, knocking him out cold. I watch as my brother's head snaps to the side and his body hits the carpet, hard.

"I'm going to kill you," Dad snarls as he glares at Mom. He steps over Jo and makes his way over to Mom, but I stand in front of Mom, shielding her from whatever Dad has in store for her.

He attacks me with a big right overhand punch.

It feels like my brain is rattling around in my head. Before I can bring my hands up to defend myself from the next blow, his hands grip around my neck, slamming me into the wall and landing solid punches into my stomach and ribs. I slide down to the floor.

"NO! STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM HER!" Mom screams at the top of her lungs. He walks away but not before he throws a kick to my gut while I am still on the ground trying to catch my breath.

I hear Mom's shrieking and furniture being moved, probably from Mom's struggle against Dad's fists. Trying to catch my breath, I slowly open my eyes and notice Dad choking Mom while she's on the ground. Her face is starting to turn purple, eyes bulging out while scratching at his hands.

I push myself off the ground, ignoring the sharp pain shooting throughout my body and throw myself on Dad's back like a monkey, clawing at his face. Anything to get him off Mom. He finally lets her go and throws his elbow back into my stomach. Not once, but three times until I finally let go. I fall hard to the kitchen floor, landing on my knees with my hands first and bracing myself for the impact. I hold onto my stomach, spitting the metallic taste from my mouth.

"You wanna be a man, huh? You think you're so tough?" He slaps me, snapping my head to the right, and then another smack, snapping my head to the left. Suddenly, a sharp jab in my stomach kicks in, causing a sharp throbbing pain as my hands naturally covers my stomach.

Why is my shirt wet?

My vision becomes hazy but as soon as my eyes come back in focus, I raise my hand to my face and panic sets in when I see red.

Blood.

Somuch blood.

Gasping for air, I slowly try to sit up, but it hurts so fucking bad to move.

It's too quiet.

Is Jo ok?

Is Mom still alive?

I love you my Sophie.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

My heartbeat slowly beats as I desperately wait for the darkness to take over.

Thump. Thump.

I try to fight through the pain to get to my family, but everything goes dark as my eyes drift into nothing.

Thump.