Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

BEAN

He was in love with me.

Jarek was in love with me.

It buzzed through my head, through my body, and I tried to pour every little bit of what I felt into the kiss until we ran out of breath. And then the words came, as easy as if I’d said them a thousand times before. “I love you too.”

Jarek’s eyes widened. “W-what? I don’t understand…”

“Can we go to your place so I can explain? I’d rather not do that in public.”

“Of course, of course.”

He didn’t reach for my hand as we walked to his townhouse, and I had to resist the urge to grab his. How had we both messed this up so badly? How had I not considered he might’ve seen that list? Truth be told, I couldn’t fault him for coming to the conclusion that I didn’t love him after reading that. If the roles had been reversed, I would’ve hightailed it out of there as well.

When we reached his place, he let us in and then gingerly sat on the couch. He looked like one of those dogs in a shelter who was expecting to not be chosen again. My heart broke for him. If only I had known.

“That list wasn’t a list of reasons why I don’t love you,” I said softly, figuring I’d better get to the point right away.

“But it was called?—”

“I made it because I realized I had fallen for you and needed to make sure I was right, that I wasn’t mistaking gratitude or sexual pleasure for love. And so I played devil’s advocate and made a list of arguments why I wasn’t in love with you.”

I reached for my black book and flipped through the pages until I got to the one Jarek had seen. I held it up, and he cringed. I flipped one more page and held that out to him. “And then I made a list of reasons why I was in love with you, refuting every single one of those ten false arguments. Read it.”

Jarek’s hand trembled as he took the notebook from me.

Reasons Why I Love Jarek

He’s not perfect, and I see his weaknesses, but they don’t matter to me.

I haven’t written down even one bad experience with him…and I would have if something had happened.

I love how he makes me feel when we’re in bed, but I also love how he makes me feel when we’re not in bed. I like spending time with him, even when we’re not doing sexual stuff.

You don’t need to know someone for a long time to realize you have a special connection. It will only grow deeper over time.

Yes, he’s still hurting over what Gio did to him…but I’m damaged too. “If only perfect people deserved love, everyone would be lonely.” ← Nash said that, and he’s right.

He has all these sweet pet names for me, and it lights a fire in me when he uses them, far beyond merely being flattered. Nash tells me nice things plenty of times, and I don’t feel the same way about him.

My brain may be broken, but my heart isn’t. I can still love because I love my brothers to the point where I would die for them. If my heart was not capable of love, I wouldn’t feel that way. What I feel for Jarek is different, but it’s still love.

The age thing is nonsense. I think an older guy is actually perfect for me because he has the experience I need and probably has more patience than younger men.

Yes, he’s a caretaker, but so is Nash…and objectively speaking, Nash is hot too, but I’m not in love with him.

It feels different than it did with Natasha…because I’m not sure I ever loved her. If I did, it was nothing compared to this.

Bonus reasons:

He’s so patient with me, even when I forget things.

He never gets angry with me, not even when I don’t recognize him.

He’s super sexy and I love his body.

He’s kind.

The work he does speaks volumes about the kind of man he is.

Nash likes him, and I trust Nash’s judgment.

I can’t stop thinking about him.

I miss him. I miss him so much. It’s like a part of me is missing…

My heart raced as Jarek read through the list. What was he thinking? Did he believe me?

Finally, he looked up, his beautiful blue eyes misty. “I feel so, so foolish. I jumped to conclusions…”

I scrambled off the couch and knelt at his feet, taking his hands as I peered into his eyes. “I would’ve come to the same conclusion had the roles been reversed. Obviously, I never meant for you to see that list, or at least not without me explaining it. And I’m so, so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to.”

A single tear meandered down his right cheek, and I swiped it away with my thumb. He was breaking my heart…but I had unwittingly broken his, and the guilt was real.

He leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine. “You love me?”

“So very much.”

“We’ll need to learn to communicate better, though I will take full responsibility for this one.”

“If I put myself in your shoes, I can totally see why you were so hurt.” I bit my lip. Should I leave it at that? Or should I add the part where he had wounded me?

“I should’ve given you a chance to explain…” he whispered, and I breathed out with relief. He’d brought it up himself.

“That was pure torture, knowing I had somehow messed up but not being able to remember what I did wrong.”

He leaned back, then patted the couch next to him, and I sat down. He took my hand. “I owe you an apology for that.”

“It’s okay because?—”

“It’s not okay. Even if that list had been real, even if you truly had meant it, I still should’ve told you what had happened. It was cruel considering your brain injury, and I’m so sorry for that.”

I swallowed thickly. “Thank you. I had hoped you’d understand that. I don’t think this would’ve hit so hard if I’d been a normal?—”

He cut me off with a finger on my lips. “Normal is judgmental.” I rolled my eyes at him, and he laughed. “Am I wrong?”

No, he wasn’t, and he was also right for calling me out on it. “I’ll try not to say it again.”

He cupped my cheek in an endlessly tender gesture. “I’m so sorry, Bean. I promise I will always tell you if you do something wrong, okay? Not that you will because you’re pretty damn perfect, but just in case.

“You’re pretty darn perfect yourself,” I whispered and leaned in for another kiss. “I love you…”

“I love you so much, Bean.”

With a sleek move, he tumbled both of us backward on the couch, and seconds later, I was flat on my back with him on top of me, attacking my mouth like a starving man attacked a meal. I was so on board with this.

“So you think I’m sexy, huh?” he mumbled against my lips.

“You are.” My cheeks heated, but I didn’t care. “The sexiest man alive, as far as I’m concerned.”

He chuckled. “Thank you, sunshine.”

How I loved hearing that pet name from him again. “You should make a list as well of all the reasons you love me. That way, I won’t ever forget.”

His eyes lit up. “I will, and I’ll write it in your little book. That way, whenever you forget, you can reread it and know the truth.”

I kissed him again. Somehow, our shirts came off, though I barely registered it, and our pants followed. Before long, we were rubbing ourselves against each other. I could easily come like this, but I wanted more. I took a deep breath. “Jarek, will you… will you please f-fuck me? I need you inside me so bad. Need to feel close to you.”

His eyes darkened with desire. “Oh baby, I want nothing more. And I’m so proud of you for asking for it.”

Reason nineteen why I loved Jarek: he made me feel so good about myself. He was also a darn good kisser. Maybe I should put that on the list as well?

Hand in hand, we made our way to his bedroom. We had things to discuss, like our future and how he envisioned that, but for now, that could wait. We could celebrate and express our love first.

I stretched out on the bed, reveling in how Jarek drank in the sight of me. With a slow, sensual move, I raised my hips and slid down my underwear. My dick slapped against my belly, heavy and wet at the tip.

Jarek licked his lips. “You look good enough to eat.”

With a move that I would’ve never thought myself capable of, I spread my legs wide and pulled them up, giving him a prime view of my ass. “Have at it.”

He let out a shocked little gasp that made me laugh. I loved that I had surprised him. But when he all but literally dove on the bed and landed with his mouth on my ass, it was my turn to gasp.

He ignored my leaking dick and instead focused on my ass. He slung each arm around a thigh and yanked me down until his face was buried between my cheeks. His tongue came out, and I let out the most embarrassing moan. He lapped around my hole, then suckled and sucked it. Using his teeth and his tongue, he drove me insane…and he was only getting started.

Getting my balls sucked had not been on my list, but good heavens, it should’ve been because Jarek suckling my nuts felt amazing. My balls tightened in his mouth as he ran his tongue around them, and I held on to the sheets with two fists, fighting to keep still.

One day, I’d be able to do the same to him…but I had time. We had time. I had a lifetime to discover everything with Jarek.

Jarek moved his attention back to my ass, and now he used his fingers and his mouth at the same time, wetting me with his tongue and some of his saliva and then sliding his finger inside me. It felt freaking amazing, and I was making sounds I’d never heard myself make. Moans, grunts, whimpers, and happy little sighs drifted from my lips.

His fingers—he had two inside me now—were slicker. He must’ve used lube, but I hadn’t even noticed it. He pumped me, crooking his fingers so he brushed against that spot inside me that set me on fire.

“Jarek,” I whined. “I need…”

“I know, baby. You’re almost ready.”

We didn’t need to use condoms anymore, did we? Or had he been with anyone else in that time we’d been apart?

No, there was no way. He loved me. He wouldn’t have jumped into someone else’s bed right away.

“Jarek…”

He looked up, his mouth red and his lips swollen. “You okay, sweet thing?”

“I don’t want… We can…” Deep breath. “We don’t need condoms.”

He blinked. “You want to go bare?”

“Yes. If you want. I haven’t been with anyone except you, and you said I’d been the only one for you as well.”

“You have been…but that’s a lot of trust you put in me, sweetheart.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me.”

His expression was one of pure love. “No, I wouldn’t…but I love hearing you say that.”

“Will you do it? I want to feel you.”

I wanted to feel his…his cum inside me. That part was still hard to say aloud, even if I could acknowledge it to myself in my head. I would get there. For now, this would work.

“I’d love to.”

He resumed prepping me and, in no time, declared me ready for him. I was. I was so ready for him in more ways than one.

When he stretched out on top of me and guided himself toward my hole, a shiver of anticipation traveled down my spine. I wanted him so bad. This time, when he pressed against me, I let him in without any issues, maybe because he’d prepped me so well.

With his mouth on mine and our tongues tangling and dancing, he worked his way inside me, my body giving way and making room for him. I welcomed him, savoring the slight burn and the fullness he brought.

His mouth lazily roamed mine as if he wanted to explore every corner, taste every little bit of me, and I was all too happy to let him. His hips moved equally slow, sliding in and out of me in a deliciously dirty way. The sounds alone were turning me on, let alone that exquisite sensation of his cock inside me.

It felt even better than the first time, though why, I wasn’t sure. Maybe I was more relaxed? Or less nervous and thus less focused on all the details? Not that it mattered, but I wanted this to last forever, even though the pressure inside me was building rapidly.

He rocked into me, only sliding out a little before surging back in. He was not only slower than the first time but more tender, gentler. I’d loved the force of his thrusts that first time, but this was even better.

“I love you,” he whispered against my lips, and then I understood.

He was making love to me. This wasn’t sex. This was an expression of the love between us.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, our chests pressed against each other as our hearts synced. He sucked on my throat, undoubtedly leaving a hickey—though that was way too banal a word for the way he marked me.

I was his.

And he was mine.

I sucked on his shoulder, creating my own mark, then found his mouth again. All that time, he rocked his pelvis, driving me higher and higher without ever pushing me over that edge.

He was edging me, and I loved every second of this sweet torture. Oh, I wanted to come, make no mistake, but I was content to let Jarek sweep me away. I trusted him.

I loved him.

God, I loved him.

“How handsome you are, my beloved,” I whispered. “Your love is more delightful than wine.”

Finally, a Bible verse that was actually applicable—though my father had rarely spoken about Solomon’s Song of Songs. No wonder since it was pretty explicit if you read between the lines.

Jarek smiled at me. “Beloved… What a beautiful word.”

“My beloved is mine, and I am his,” I said softly, then kissed him again.

And so we made love, losing all sense of time as we kissed and stayed connected until finally, finally, we both came. As wonderful as it felt to finally have that pressure released, the orgasm almost felt like an afterthought to the intimacy we’d shared, of the love I’d felt in his every kiss, his every touch, every slide of his hips.

Feeling his load drip out of me was a whole new experience, though…and it was one I loved far more than I had expected. “Can you tell me why?” Jarek asked as we lay cuddling, me with my head on his shoulder.

“It feels like… Like you marked me in another way. Like I’m yours.”

“You are.”

“And you’re mine…my beloved.”

Funny how that old-fashioned word had such a different meaning to me all of a sudden.

My beloved.

My silver bear.

My Jarek…

Rhymes with Derek.