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Chapter 26

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

JAREK

I looked over at Heath, who was doing a damn handstand on his board, and then looked at mine. I was waist-deep in the gentle water of the bay, freezing my balls off in spite of being in a wet suit, exhausted from climbing on the board and falling.

And here was this fucker doing handstands?

“What am I doing wrong?”

Heath slowly dropped his legs and straddled the board, smiling at me. “Nothing, hon. You’re doing everything right.”

“So it’s totally normal that those guys”—I gestured to a couple of guys several hundred yards away who were on their boards, paddling around the water as steady as they would be on land—“are doing this like it’s nothing and I can’t even stand up?”

“It looks easier than it is. You have to develop your core balance. Gotta crawl before you can walk, babes.And gotta walk before you can run.”

I scowled at him, slid up on the board on my stomach, and managed to make it to my knees before I tumbled over again. When I came up, I could hear cackling from the shore. Ivy’s voice was louder than Bean’s, but they were distinct.

“I give up.”

“For the day,” Heath said. He was in a downward dog position, and I fought the urge to reach over and shake his board. But knowing him, he’d somehow managed to do some ballet move and roll with it. “Next week, okay?”

He was out of his mind if he thought I was subjecting myself to this public humiliation two weeks in a row. Removing the strap from my wrist, I waded to shore with the board trailing behind me, and I left it on the rocky sand. The suit clung to my body, and I quickly pulled down the zipper, exposing my chest.

Ivy wolf-whistled. “Hot stuff.”

Bean winked at me as I approached, and I leaned in to ensure I dripped cold water on him. “Hey! What did I ever do to you?” he demanded.

I grinned and kissed him upside down. “That’s for laughing at me.”

He dissolved into giggles. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he gasped as I rubbed my cold, wet hair on his neck. “I don’t mean to laugh, but it was pretty funny. You were like a newborn baby seal.”

“At least I was cute,” I said with a sniff. It was impossible to be mad at him. Hell, it was impossible to be mad at the way he and Ivy were making fun of me. They were two of the most important people in my life, and they were getting along like a house on fire.

It would probably end in disaster for me, but I’d take that disaster over what my life had been like before Bean had come into it. We were going on our third month as official boyfriends and nearly five months of knowing each other. Almost half a year, and it was hard to imagine what life had been like before all of this.

Walking to the tent, I peeled away the wet suit and hung it on one of Heath’s portable hooks to dry. My towel had been hanging in the sun, so despite the cool afternoon breeze, it was warm across my shoulders. I scrubbed away the salt water and as much sand as possible, but I had a shower waiting for me right across the street.

In my home. Where all my things were. And where some of Bean’s were too. That thought made me smile as I shuffled over and dropped to the sand beside Bean’s chair. “I need to wash up before tonight.”

Bean looked momentarily panicked. “We have plans?”

I leaned in and kissed his knee. “We have plans. You have your things at my house. We’re going to go change in a little bit, and then I’m taking you out on a date.”

He settled. “Right.”

It was clear by his tone he didn’t remember, but he was less hard on himself for those moments now. He was starting to rely on the people he trusted to fill him in when his brain wouldn’t. He was also doing electrical stimulation therapy to help with his moods, and since starting it, he hadn’t had another incident of self-harm, and his mood swings had lessened.

The treatment wasn’t the best for memory loss, but Bean had sat me down when he was presented with the option, and he said that he’d rather be more forgetful than ever risk hurting the people he loved.

I reminded him then that I loved him as he was, but I would be there for him whatever he chose. Luckily the treatment hadn’t made things worse, and the things it was meant to improve were improving.

He seemed happier. More settled. And so was I. We didn’t see each other as often as we wanted to, but that was something I planned to talk to him about. There was no rush, but I wanted to know if there was a possibility of a future where we shared one space.

“Well, kids,” Ivy said as she stood. She wore a gorgeous vintage swimsuit covered in black polka dots and her hair was set in perfectly coiffed victory rolls. “I have a date myself.”

I grinned at her. “Tell Andrei to call me soon. We need to do a double date.”

Bean brightened. “Oh! Yes. Ivy was just telling me about this wine bar?—”

I groaned, cutting Bean off, and Ivy reached down, tugging Bean to his feet and pulling him close. “Ignore him, my love. He has no taste. Besides, you and I know he’ll do whatever you want.”

Bean smiled, and I shrugged because she was right. I would.

Ivy kissed his cheeks, then kissed mine, waving to Heath, who was still on his board, before heading for the stairs. Tugging Bean against me, I wrapped my arms around him and lifted his chin so I could take a proper kiss.

“Is it time to go soon?” he asked.

I chuckled. “Yeah. If you want.”

He rocked his hips toward me. “I want.”

I kissed him again, but I pulled back before we got too ahead of ourselves. “Come on,” I murmured, knocking my forehead against his. “Let’s get going before we make a whole spectacle of ourselves.”

Bean snorted. “That’s definitely not on my list.”

I grabbed him a little tighter. “Mine either. I hate sharing.” And I meant that with my whole heart. Years back, when Gio wanted to open our marriage, it hadn’t bothered me as much as I thought it would. But knowing now that I wasn’t polyamorous told me everything I needed to know about that marriage.

With Bean, I would rather tear my own heart out than let anyone put their hands on him. And if that made me a selfish bastard knowing he would only ever have my touch, so be it. I turned, waving to Heath, who smirked and shot us both a wave in return. Then, I took Bean’s hand and led the way to the stairs.

The beach Heath was at was the perfect location from my place. A little jaunt across the road which was only busy during certain hours of the day, and a short walk up a small hill, and we were there.

The place still smelled like fresh paint and new cabinets. It wasn’t as decorated as I wanted, so it didn’t quite feel like me yet. But it was getting there. I wanted more than that though. I wanted more than just my touch around the place.

I wanted Bean’s too.

“We should go shopping this weekend after your shift,” I said, kicking my shoes onto the little tray that collected sand.

Bean did the same, then frowned at me. “Shopping for what?”

I took a breath and looked around at the bare walls. “Stuff for the house. To make it look nice.”

“Like art?” he asked.

I pulled him close by the hips. “Maybe to Le Creuset,” I murmured. “Or Sur La Table.”

He laughed softly as I nuzzled his neck. “Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Maybe. I’m also trying to pawn off the task of outfitting my kitchen because I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

He laughed harder, kissing me again. “If you insist. I only work until noon on Saturday. How does that sound?”

“Perfect. I’ll buy you lunch.”

“Like a date?” he asked. I nodded, and he stepped back away from me, frowning. “You know I’m going to get spoiled, right? If you keep doing this. You don’t need to woo me, Jarek. You have me.”

I sighed and stuck my fingers in his belt loops before walking him backward toward the wall. He hit it with a dull, soft thud, and I crowded against him just the way he liked. “Yes, I do. I will never get tired of making you feel special. I will never tire of grabbing your favorite flowers when I see them or your favorite iced tea, even though sweet tea is an abomination.”

“Bite your tongue!”

I laughed. “I’d rather bite yours,” I said, nipping his lip. “But I mean it. Spending my days showing you how much I love you in more than just words isn’t spoiling you. You can’t spoil a baby by holding it too much, can you?”

“I don’t know much about babies,” Bean said.

“Well, you can’t. It’s a known fact. And you also can’t spoil the person you love by ensuring they feel it every second of every day. If it ever gets to be too much, you can tell me.” I kissed his jaw. “I’ll stop the second you say so.”

“Well,” he said slowly, a little breathless. “I do kind of like it.”

I laughed against his flush-warm skin. “Me too. Because this goes both ways, my love. You make me feel seen, heard, and adored every second I’m with you.”

“And in the seconds we’re not together?”

I pulled back and stared into his eyes. “The same. I’m not afraid anymore.”

He melted against me. “Shower? I’m really, really turned on.”

I laughed and released his belt loops to grab his hands. “Come on. Let me show you exactly how you make me feel.”

The restaurant I chose was quiet. It wasn’t some pretentious, nouveau wine bar, beet foam bullshit restaurant. Though it actually was a little pretentious. It was described as elevated southern cuisine run by a couple from Tennessee that had migrated out West.

I wanted to give Bean something special, and the place had been described as soft on all the senses, which was exactly what he needed after a day of bright sun and loud laughter. He let out a sigh of relief when we took our seats by the window that overlooked the water, and he brightened when he saw the menu.

“Collard greens? Nash makes them at home, and they’re so good.”

“Hopefully, these will live up to his,” I said with a wink.

We didn’t talk much. I held his hand and ordered our drinks, and he picked the appetizer. The server took our order a little while after, and eventually, Bean broke the silence.

“You have something to say, don’t you?”

I laughed. “You’re getting good at reading me.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Is it bad?”

“No, sunshine. At least, I hope it’s not. I just got to thinking this week after we were both so busy, we only got one night together.”

He winced. “I know I need to make more time with you. Things just kind of…hit the fan with therapy, and my ECT treatment, and then Zayd taking time off for whatever emergency, and then?—”

“Hey,” I said softly, cutting him off. Lifting his hand to my lips, I kissed his knuckles until his shoulders weren’t so close to his ears. “I get that shit happens. It was partially me too. We had that big benefit happen last weekend, and then Ivy’s working on that group home project, which leaves me to work on the funding. It’s been a lot.”

“Yeah,” he breathed out.

“But it did make me wonder if it might not be like this forever.”

His brow furrowed. His hand reached up, nervously toying with the bear pendant he always wore around his neck. “What do you mean?”

“I know the guys are important to you. Nash made it very clear that his place will always be your place?—”

“Um,” Bean said, slightly too loud, cutting me off. “I love you. I love you,” he repeated twice. I could tell he was fumbling.

“Breathe, sweetheart. Find your words.”

He cleared his throat. “I’m not ready to leave there.”

I couldn’t stop a soft laugh. “I know that. That’s not what I meant. But it is something I wanted to talk about because I love my house. It’s important to me, but I want to know if it’s possible you and I won’t always have to live so far apart.”

He softened. “Not tomorrow.”

I laughed. “No, baby. Not even in a year if you need more time than that. But someday…” The words hovered on the tip of my tongue.

He offered me the same patience I’d given him.

“I want to marry you, Bean. Merrill,” I added his name because I knew he liked the way I said it. His eyes flared wide. “This isn’t a proposal, and I can’t even believe I’m saying this because I thought I’d never get married again. But you’re it for me, okay? You’re it. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me, but I was hoping we might be on the path toward more.”

He swallowed heavily. “You want to marry me?”

“More than anything. When we’re ready for it.” We. Not me. Not him. Us.

Bean bit his lip, then said, “Well, Nash did promise I’d always have a room there, even if I moved out. And I…I think he knows that, someday, we’re all going to make our way into lives separate from him. It could be good, um, to know that I can be with you but always have a space with him.”

I squeezed Bean’s hand gently. “Is that a yes?”

He looked at me, eyes glinting from amusement. “I mean, I’m not about to ask you to move into what’s basically an Army frat house.”

I burst into laughter. “Fair enough, though I do like it over there. Nash is basically my best friend now.”

Bean laughed. “Yeah, Heath is kind of pissed that you took his spot.”

“He can comfort himself with his handstands on that damn board,” I muttered, and Bean laughed harder. I picked up his hand and kissed his palm, then every one of his fingers. “I’m so in love with you.”

“My beloved,” he whispered. That was always kept between us, a secret between our hearts. It felt good to hear it whispered now.

“Our present is amazing, and I can’t wait for our future,” I told him.

He bowed his head and took a breath. “Me too. You’re my everything, Jarek.”

I waited for him to meet my gaze. “And you’re mine.”

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