Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

JAREK

I had never wished harder that the drink fizzing away in the lowball glass was more than just tonic water and lime. Not that drinking had ever solved any of my problems, but it would feel nice to deal with the missed calls and messages with a non-sober brain.

Getting drunk would have ruined me though. I would drunk-text Bean. Or, god forbid, drunk-text Gio, and I couldn’t have that.

I swirled the liquid in myglass, listening to the soft clink of ice, which I could barely hear over the chatter in the bar. It wasn’t my bar. It wasn’t where Zayd was or any of my friends. It wasn’t where I might run into Bean’s family. Or Bean himself.

It was some nondescript hipster piece of shit place with wood paneling on the walls and the smell of fresh lacquer. The beer menu was all IPAs from Seattle breweries with weird names like Pirate’s Golden Eye or Poison Apple or whatever edgy shit the young kids were coming up with these days.

Andrei looked uncomfortable too, except he was also on cloud nine because he was sitting next to Ivy, who was in her element. She was still in her pantsuit from work, but her lipstick had worn off and her hair was mostly falling out of her braid, and she was winking at the bartender, which I knew was sending my brother into a feral frenzy.

I wanted to care. On any other day, I might have, but I was busy wallowing in my heartbreak.

My phone buzzed, and I shoved it deeper into my bag.

“You’re going to have to take his call someday,” Andrei pointed out.

I lifted a brow at him. “Why is that, exactly? It’s not like we were married.”

Ivy gave me a flat, irritated look. “Because you two were more than fuck buddies, and you know it. And ghosting the guy you’re in love with is not it, my friend.”

I hated her a little right then, but only because she was right. I was wallowing in a broken heart, but I was also wallowing in the fact that I had ghosted him, which made me feel guilty. I had never been the kind of man to run from my problems like this, so why was I doing it now?

Oh right. Because the first man I had ever become truly vulnerable for had created a Ten Things I Hate About You list.

Gio had done a lot of shitty things in our marriage, but he’d never made a list of all the reasons he could never love me and left them on display.

Although…it wasn’t like Bean had left them on display. He’d put them in his notebook, and I’d only been given permission to look at the sex stuff. Finding it had been an accident, but he hadn’t made the list to show me.

Unless he had. Unless he was hoping I’d snoop and find them and break up with him so he didn’t have to do the dirty work.

But if that was the case, why was he still calling and texting?

I was going to drive myself to the brink of madness if I didn’t stop with all these hypotheticals. Christ, I was a mess.

“Earth to Jarek,” Ivy said, snapping her fingers in my face.

I blinked, downed my drink, and set it down with a hard thud. “I’m going home.”

“I don’t think you should be driving,” Andrei said.

Rolling my eyes, I pulled my keys out of my pocket. “I’m sober. I wish I wasn’t, but here we are.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said pointedly. “You’re?—”

“If you say emotionally compromised, I’m going to ghost your ass too,” I snapped.

He held his hands up in surrender, then looked at Ivy. “He’s my ride.”

“I’ve got you, babe,” she said, moving a little closer.

Fuck me, I had to get out of there. As over-the-moon happy I’d be if my best friend and brother got together, I couldn’t sit there and watch someone’s love story blossom while I felt like I was bleeding out inside.

“Have fun.” It didn’t sound like I meant it, so I turned on my heel and hurried out of the bar before I made a bigger ass of myself.

We were close to the water and the evening fog was heavy, dragging a briny breeze across my skin. I pulled my jacket tighter as I began the two-block trek down the hill to where I was parked. It was a quiet neighborhood, away from the hustle and bustle of areas like Divisadero or Union Square, which were full of both tourists and locals with too much time on their hands and too much happiness on their faces.

I liked it when the city felt quiet. The lights were dim, the leaves rustling in the trees nestled in the pavement, and if I strained my ears enough, I could make out water lapping along the rocky shore.

My phone buzzed again and I ignored it as I reached my car, doing an internal check to make sure I really was okay to drive, and then I turned the engine on and took off. It took me until I pulled onto 19 th to realize I wasn’t going to the rental.

I was heading home. To the place that was very nearly mine.

Something about it felt right, and I pulled up to the curb, putting my car in Park before staring up at the dark windows. It wasn’t ready yet. There was still a massive dumpster out front full of refuse from Andrei’s work, but there were only a few weeks left before I would be setting foot in there and seeing what it was always meant to look like.

I stepped out of the car, but instead of going up the stoop, I darted across the street and hit the stone steps that led down to the beach. The last time I’d done this, I’d run into Bean. He’d been there looking as beautiful as ever, basking in the sun while Heath taught his surfing lessons.

That had been a good day. No, it had been one of the best days. Bean had walked away with a silver bear pendant to keep around his neck, and I’d walked away with more promises than just, I’ll see you when I see you. That had been the first real moment I’d realized how hard I was falling.

I’d still been fighting it. Still trying to convince myself it was too soon, but I think I’d always known it was a losing battle.

Now, here I was, the actual loser, digging my toes in the sand after leaving my shoes behind at the base of the stairs.

The tide was high, so I couldn’t go far, but there was a spot near the rocks where someone had been camped earlier. They’d left a few shells and a bucket halfway buried in the sand. I settled down, the chill seeping into my bones as I watched the waves crest up, not quite reaching me, but close.

I wish I’d had a night like this with Bean. A soft, quiet, nothing sort of evening where he wasn’t trying to save me from myself in the kitchen, and I wasn’t trying to ease him through his fear of the sin of touching and being touched. I felt robbed.

And I was really fucking sad.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, rattling against my key fob, and I pulled it out. I had no intention of talking to Bean—not now, at least—but I thought maybe seeing his name might make me feel better.

Except it wasn’t him at all.

It was Nash.

I didn’t know what made me do it, but I found myself tapping the screen to answer. “Uh. Hey.”

“Oh. I thought I would get your voicemail again,” he said.

My stomach twisted. “Is something wrong? How many times have you called?”

He snorted a laugh. “I’m guessing that means you’re not checking your phone right now?”

I covered my face with one hand and breathed into my palm. “Uh. No. I’m assuming Bean told you.”

“Bean told me as much as he knew, which was very little. He either knows jack shit or forgot to write it down. But he’s real fucked up about it.”

I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. “Yeah? That makes two of us.” I took a beat. “Look, if you’re calling to yell at me, I really don’t need that right now. I could pencil you in next week, but?—”

“Hey, whoa.” Nash’s voice was calm and steady. “Bean is my brother, and I love him more than anything, but I also know he’s complicated. I was calling to check on you.”

I had no words.

“Are you hurt?”

“In what context?” I asked, my voice raspy.

“Clearly, your feelings are pretty hurt, but did he accidentally hurt you physically? Did you take an elbow to the face or something?”

It took me a moment to realize what he was asking about. It was an issue we’d talked about after Bean’s seizure.

“It wasn’t anything like that. I meant what I said when I told you that wouldn’t scare me off.”

I heard him let out a sigh. “Good. He’s been in a bad way. He and I are both banged up pretty bad after he spiraled.”

I winced. That was probably my fault. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all good. I wanted to make sure you were all right. He’s been working so damn hard on his impulse control issues, but sometimes?—”

“No,” I said quickly. “I understand. And I knew what to do if it got rough.” I hesitated, then asked, “Did he hurt himself or you too badly?”

“Nah. He was having a meltdown, and I got in the way. It stopped him from hurting himself, but I got a nice little chin shiner for it. My own fault. But I guess I’m wonderin’ now, if it wasn’t that, why did you take off on him without so much as a by your leave?”

Closing my eyes, I tipped my face up toward the sky. I wanted to tell him. I really did. Nash was far too easy to talk to, and he made even the most volatile situation feel safe. But it wasn’t fair to tell him first without Bean knowing.

“I’m going to talk to him,” I said slowly. “Soon.”

In that moment, I made up my mind. Bean had always been kind, and it wasn’t like he was trying to hurt me with the list. It was just the perfect accident. “But the truth is, I found out how he really feels about me, and it was too painful to take it.”

“Listen, I know that him bein’ in love with you isn’t the best timing and all, but he’d be willing to be patient as you worked through your divorce and?—”

I cut him off with a laugh. “Hang on. He’s not in love with me. Trust me. I know without a doubt that’s not how he feels.”

“He told you this himself?”

“I…” I hesitated. “I’d rather talk to him about it first, if you don’t mind. It’s only fair. I panicked after it happened, and he deserved better than me ghosting him.”

Nash let out a soft sigh. “You two do need to talk, that’s for damn sure. I’m headin’ home right now, and I won’t tell him we had a chat, but it would be real nice if you could put him out of his misery.”

“Yeah. Tomorrow after work,” I promised.

“Thanks,” Nash said. “And whatever happens, I hope we can stay in touch. You’re a good guy, Jarek.”

In spite of the fact that I felt justified in my hurt, I didn’t much feel like a good guy right then. Bean’s written words had destroyed me in ways I couldn’t describe, but the only person I wanted to soothe those wounds was the same one who’d caused them.

How fucked up was that?

“I’ll give you a call soon,” I said. I wasn’t sure if that was the truth or a lie, but Nash didn’t call me on it. He just said a quick goodbye, and then the call went silent.

Falling back into the sand, I let the phone drop from my fingers as I stared up at a collection of stars, wondering if I would really find the courage to confront Bean tomorrow and tell him exactly why I left.

Tapping my fingers on my desk, I stared at the text thread I’d pulled up on my Macbook. I’d spent the afternoon finding the courage to read through everything Bean had sent me, and I felt even worse now.

Whatever I did, I’m sorry.

Can we talk?

I looked through my notebook and couldn’t find any references to what happened. I just want to know.

I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, but I would appreciate it if you could talk to me.

I get the message. I’ll leave you alone.

I could hear the last one in his voice, his tone defeated. If I closed my eyes, I could picture the look on his face full of sadness and confusion. The list had upset me, but I couldn’t hate him for his feelings. Falling in love was my own fault.

We’d had an agreement, and just because he was having a good time with me didn’t give me the right to expect feelings. Bean was dealing with enough shit in his life. I didn’t need to add to it by ghosting him.

Cracking my knuckles, I flexed my fingers over the keyboard and finally typed a response.

I owe you an explanation. Can I come by to talk?

“What are you doing?”

I jumped in my chair, then turned to see Ivy, who’d walked in late and had been avoiding me all morning. I had a feeling why, but I wasn’t in the mood to confront her about it. The love bite on her neck told me everything though.

“Having an absolute gay panic over talking to Bean,” I told her.

She rolled her eyes. “Are we misusing gay panic now?”

“We’re reappropriating it as a new meaning for this situation,” I snarked, leaning back. “I’m gay, and I’m panicking.”

She clicked her tongue and reached out, stroking my cheek with her long nails. “Aww, baby.”

“Don’t matronize me.”

Ivy laughed and leaned in, dropping a kiss on the end of my nose. “I love you. And it’s going to be fine.”

My laptop pinged.

“No, it’s not.” Shoving her gently to the side, I leaned in and squinted since I wasn’t wearing my readers. He’d replied.

Bean: I’m at work today. We don’t have to do this. I understand.

Me: You don’t, and I’d really like to explain, but I respect you if you don’t want to see me.

Bean: Will you promise to be honest and tell me exactly what happened?

Me: Yes.

Bean: Come by at two. Zayd is sending me home early. Meet me in the back parking lot.

Glancing at the clock, I realized I had exactly twenty minutes to get there which I could make if I left right now. “I need to?—”

“Go,” Ivy said. “Fix this.”

I looked over at her as I stood up. “You know there’s nothing to fix, right? I can’t make someone love me who doesn’t.”

“Trust me when I say there’s a damn good chance that there’s something you missed in this whole thing. Don’t walk in so defeated, babes. Have hope.”

That was easy for her to say now that her love life was sparking. But it wasn’t fair for me to rain on her parade, so I turned and walked out, bypassing my car because it would be a lot faster for me to hoof it the few blocks over than try to find street parking at this time of day.

The sidewalks were crowded, but I managed to slip through the small crowds of people browsing shops, and eventually, the bar came into view. My heart slipped into my throat, beating so hard it felt like I was choking, but I had to be brave.

I had to do this.

I made my way around the building and saw Bean in the tiny parking lot. All four spaces were taken, and he was standing in front of an old, vintage Mustang, his back against the wall, his head bowed toward his phone.

For a moment, I thought about running away, but fuck, I couldn’t do that. Just looking at him was enough to soothe the turmoil in my gut. I wanted to put my arms around him and have him kiss the sense back into me, though I knew I didn’t have the right.

I cleared my throat instead, and he jumped a little, his head snapping up. His face went through several emotions I didn’t entirely recognize, then his lips parted on an exhale and he raised a hand.

“Rhymes with Derek,” he said as I got closer.

I didn’t think he had trouble with my name anymore, but hearing those words stilled something in me. “Am I late?”

“Early,” he said, showing off the time on his phone. “I was having a bad day, so Zayd said to go home and try again tomorrow.”

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“I can lie and say no, but…” He trailed off with a small laugh, and I managed a grin, though I didn’t much feel like smiling.

“No, yeah. Fuck,” I said, rubbing a hand down my face. After a beat, I stepped beside him and rested my back against the wall, mirroring his position. “I’m sorry about that. I…I panicked.”

“I get it,” Bean said softly, his head bowed again. “I mean, I’m young and inexperienced and probably really annoying to deal with?—”

“No.”

He looked up at me, his brows furrowed.

“I broke the rules.”

His voice dropped, now barely above a whisper. “You said we make our own rules.”

“We did. We do ,” I answered, not sure which one of those was right. God, I wanted to pull him close and kiss him. “Except there was one rule we weren’t supposed to break, and I shattered it.”

“Jarek—”

“I fell for you,” I blurted. His eyes widened, and embarrassment coursed through me. I was such a damn disaster, and now I was flaying myself alive in front of him. “I was going to tell you that night after we…uh…”

Bean’s chin began to tremble. “I don’t understand. If that’s how you felt, why did you leave?”

Taking a deep breath, I turned and faced him fully. “I know I had no right, and I swear I wasn’t snooping, but…but I found your list.”

“My list?” he repeated. “The sex list? Did I put something on there that?—”

“No,” I interrupted in a rush. “The other list. I was just about to tell you how I felt. The words were on the tip of my tongue. You were in the bathroom cleaning up, and your notebook fell on the floor. I couldn’t help but read it, and I understood then how badly I fucked up, but knowing how you felt, I couldn’t keep going. It was going to kill me if I had to pretend I wanted to stay just friends.”

“I don’t understand,” Bean said, now sounding desperate. “What list?”

“The one you made in the back of the book. Ten Reasons I’m Not In Love With Jarek .” God, it was the first time I’d said that aloud, and it hurt hearing it just as much as it had reading it. “Don’t get me wrong, Bean, I totally understand all the reasons you don’t love me. My life isn’t that well put together, and it’s going to take me a while to be a man worthy of someone like you. But I can’t help how I feel. I’m in love with you, and if I want to save what dignity I have left, I have to end this now.”

Bean swallowed heavily. Silence stretched out for what felt like an eternity. Then he turned and there was more determination in his face than I had ever seen since we’d been together. “You’re in love with me.”

That was his takeaway. I mean, of course, it was. I nodded miserably. “I am. And I’m sorry.”

He laughed. That was not what I was expecting. I thought maybe he’d apologize or try to make excuses, but to openly mock me…?

“Why are you sorry ?”

“Because we’re not just on different pages, Bean. We’re in separate universes. We’re—” My words were cut off when Bean’s impossibly strong hands took me by the front of my shirt and shoved me fully against the wall.

He stepped up and his gaze met mine. “You’re in love with me,” he repeated.

I nodded.

He took a breath, opened his mouth like he was going to say something, then he closed it again. He stared at me, gaze full of purpose, then his lips parted, and instead of words, he leaned in and took the kiss I had been desperately wanting for days.