Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

BEAN

I had little experience in dating and even less with hooking up, but the difference between those two wasn’t hard to tell. Dating meant going out with the same person multiple times, exclusively, with the intention of moving toward a relationship. Hooking up was a one-time thing, a way to blow off steam, or however you wanted to word it.

So what was the correct label if you hooked up with the same person more than once and now went out for lunch? Was that a date? A hookup? Some term I had never heard of?

I had no clue, but did it even matter? All I knew was that being with Jarek—ha! I remembered his name on the first try!—made me happy. He quickly got changed into normal clothes and we headed out. My hand in his made my belly spin in the best way, and when we found a cute little café on the beach to have lunch, I was even happier.

We sat next to each other instead of opposite. “So we can both enjoy the gorgeous view,” Jarek said.

I would argue that looking at him was having a gorgeous view, but that was maybe not the right thing to say. Jarek might have said there were no rules, but I wasn’t sure if I believed that.

The menu was limited, but they had various seafood options, so I ordered seafood pasta. I needed some serious carbs. Jarek opted for a salmon burger. “I hope it’s not dry,” I told him after the waiter had left. “They often are.”

Jarek chuckled. “That was information I could’ve used five minutes earlier.”

Oops. “Sorry?”

He took my hand and squeezed it. “I was teasing you. I’ve eaten here before, and the salmon burger is delicious. Their regular burgers are practically inedible, however, and I suspect they do that on purpose to make us order the more expensive items.”

“Hmm, maybe I should discuss that strategy with Zayd.”

“I haven’t eaten a single disappointing dish there.”

That made me strangely happy, even if I hadn’t cooked all of them. “I’ll make sure to tell him.”

“So what did you mean when you said you told yourself our story?” Jarek asked.

There was no harm in telling him, right? “Nash noticed I can remember movies and books easier than real life, so he asked my neurologist. She said it’s because our brains are wired for stories and we remember those better than anything else. I did some research after that appointment, and she’s right.”

I dug my notebook out of my pocket and flipped to the right page. “Research shows that people remember facts better if they’ve been told in the form of a story. When we hear or read a story, the parts of our brain associated with doing that thing in real life light up. Like, if someone told you a story about eating a lemon, you’d make more saliva in your mouth.”

“For real? That’s seriously cool.”

“It is, and so Nash thought that maybe if I put important things in a story, I’d be able to remember them better.”

“And you figured I was important enough to put in a story?”

Right. I hadn’t exactly thought the implications of my statement through. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? “Yeah. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is.” He took my hand again. I really liked that he was so tactile. “It’s a compliment that you deemed me important enough.”

“I didn’t want a repeat of the previous time when I didn’t recognize you. I may not have recognized your face this time, but once you said ‘rhymes with Derek,’ I connected the dots.”

“You did, and I was pleasantly surprised.”

Pride filled me. “Thank you.”

“Tell me the story.”

Tell him the… Oh, heck no. That story had parts that weren’t supposed to be said aloud, not anywhere but in my head. And maybe between Nash and me, but that man was a vault. “I can tell you how it starts.”

“I’d love that.”

“Once upon a time, there was a cute young man who worked as a cook in a bar. His name was Bean.”

“Great opening line. Very true. You are cute.”

“Thank you. Nash came up with that part because I would never label myself as cute.”

“You are, though…and now I’m curious how you described me.”

“He looked like a silver bear with gray in his chest hair and softness in all the right places. His eyes were a brilliant blue,” I read from my notes, my voice soft. I peeked at his expression from between my lashes. “Is that okay?”

He swallowed, then lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it. “Perfect. I’m flattered, sunshine.”

Our food came, and I was so, so pleased with how things were going. For once, I was making a good impression, which made me so happy.

“So, what do you do for a living?” I asked after taking a bit from the seafood pasta, which was perfectly cooked.

“I’m a lawyer. I used to work for… Never mind, long story. I was laid off a little while back, which was a bit of a blow to the ego. But it turned out to be a good thing because I now work for my friend Ivy’s organization, a non-profit that helps LGBTQ+ teenagers without supportive families find resources with housing, jobs, and financing for college. They also help trans teens with access to gender-affirming hormone therapy, new wardrobes, and gender-affirming care. It’s very fulfilling, though also demanding. Ivy is not an easy boss.” He laughed, his whole face lighting up. “She’s quite demanding, in fact, but it’s all for a good cause.”

“That’s a great mission. I grew up in a strict conservative Christian family, and if I had come out as a teen, my parents would have sent me to a conversion camp without a second thought.”

I hadn’t meant to share that with Jarek because surely that wasn’t something you told guys you hooked up with, but it was too late now.

“I’m so sorry. Do your parents know you’re bi now?”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure I’ll ever tell them. Our relationship is already very complicated. They weren’t too happy with me when I joined the Army, and when I got hurt, I got a strong sense they felt it was God’s punishment for what I did.”

“You fought for your country. Surely that has to count for something?”

I shrugged. “I guess not.”

“My family hails from the former USSR, so you could say we have mixed opinions on the military, but I would never condemn someone for enlisting.”

“I don’t even know your last name.” The thought made my cheeks heat. If my parents knew I’d slept with a man and didn’t even know his name… Well, the “man” part of that sentence would’ve been the dealbreaker anyway, so his name wouldn’t even have mattered all that much.

He chuckled. “Soroka. Jarek Soroka.”

Idiot that I was, I actually extended my hand to him. “Merill Stringfield.”

To Jarek’s credit, he didn’t laugh at me as he took it. “It’s such a pleasure to meet you…every single time, Bean.”

“I don’t know why I did that. My social skills are…clumsy. I don’t have much experience dating.”

“Have you been in a relationship before?”

I nodded. “Her name was Natasha, and I thought we were serious. But then I got hurt, and she was out. The good news is that I was still so out of it that I barely remember it, but once I became more aware, it hurt.”

“You would’ve never walked out on someone who was hurt.”

“Absolutely not. Even if I’d fallen out of love with them, I would’ve at least stayed until they were well enough to deal. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, but that’s not true for everybody. Some people have little empathy…or loyalty.”

I studied him, the pain in his eyes impossible to miss. “You got hurt.”

He sent me a smile, but it was full of sadness and loss. “It’s hard not to feel hurt when you discover your husband cheated on you for most of your marriage.”

My fork fell out of my hand, clinking onto my plate. “Cheated?”

“Repeatedly. It was a habit, you could say. And he made me feel like I was to blame.”

Okay, I was confused. How did that even work? “How are you to blame when he’s the one who cheated?”

“You’d have to ask Gio, but something about not being adventurous enough in bed. He wanted…” He sighed. “I shouldn’t bore you with all this. Plus, you’d get the wrong impression of me.”

“Well, the good news is that an hour from now, I won’t remember most of it anyway, so that makes me a pretty safe person to confide in. I would never judge you for it because I won’t even remember it.”

His eyes widened, and then he snorted, promptly slapping his hand over his mouth. “Sorry. I shouldn’t laugh at that. It’s not funny.”

I shrugged. “No, but at the same time, it is. I have to make fun of myself because if I don’t, I’ll get bitter, and I refuse to be that person. What happened to me sucks, it really does, but complaining about it doesn’t help. All it does is make me sad and angry and resentful, and I don’t want to be. As my therapist says, I can’t control the situation, but I can control how I respond to it. So, humor it is.”

He covered my hand with his. “That’s an admirable attitude, sunshine. I’m not sure I could do it.”

“Move in with Nash. You’ll learn because he won’t tolerate anything else.”

“Maybe I should.” He smiled. “Because I can’t deny I do have the occasional pity party, wine included.”

“I miss alcohol. I can’t drink anymore because of all the meds. Not that I was ever a heavy drinker, but nothing tastes as good as a cold beer after a day in the desert, let me tell you.”

“I’m more of a wine drinker myself. A snobby one, if you will. I like my wines pretentious.”

“We all have our vices and weaknesses, no?”

We kept chatting during lunch, and I made quick notes so I’d at least remember what topics we discussed. I’d never be able to recall all the details, but I did want to remember he was divorced and that he’d been hurt by cheating so I wouldn’t make any stupid, hurtful remarks.

When our plates were empty and the waiter came with the bill, I was a little sad. Was this goodbye?

“Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?” Jarek asked.

I checked. “Nope, but I have to be home on time since I have a long day at work tomorrow.”

“Cinderella must be home before she changes into a pumpkin. Got it. In that case, would you like to hang out a while longer?”

The smile on my face all but hurt. “I’d love that.”

I paid for lunch, proud that I remembered I’d offered to, and then we headed out again. As soon as we were out of the café, Jarek took my hand. “This okay?”

I nodded, unable to find the right words to tell him how okay it was. We strolled along little shops, some super touristy with all kinds of overpriced junk, but they also had some cute ones with handmade items. I bought a set of coasters for Nash because the guy was always complaining we left wet rings on the table. They had cocks on them, which he’d get a kick out of. Roosters, obviously, not the other kind of cocks.

“Look at these.” Jarek pointed at some necklaces, and I stepped closer. The silver pendants were all different kinds of animals, and the one he was pointing at was a… Oh, it was a bear. A silver bear.

“It’s a silver bear!” I immediately reached for it. It was small but well-made, and I loved it, mostly because of the association with Jarek.

“Can I buy it for you?” Jarek asked. “Would that be okay? It would be something to remember me by.”

For some reason, that made me emotional. Had to be the TBI, but still. “I’d love that,” I said hoarsely. “Thank you.”

Three minutes later, I was the proud owner of a silver bear necklace, which was now resting against my throat. I kept touching it, and every time I did, I couldn’t help but smile.

“You like it?” Jarek asked, reaching for my hand again.

It struck me suddenly that this, too, was not what a hookup would do. Holding hands and buying necklaces was… I had no idea what it was, and I was confused as heck. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“You said there were no rules for us. For what we do or are or whatever. What did you mean?”

He took his time answering. “It’s safe to say this is not a normal hookup,” he finally said.

“I wouldn’t know, but yeah, it doesn’t seem to be.”

“I don’t buy necklaces for hookups,” he said with a chuckle. “Not that I’ve had any other hookups since I met you, but that’s beside the point.”

He hadn’t? For some reason, that made me really happy. “I haven’t either.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you should check.”

It took me a moment to realize Jarek was teasing me, but then I burst out laughing. I loved that he felt comfortable enough doing that. “Good point.” I pretended to check my book. “Nope, no one else. Just you.”

Jarek stopped me, and we stood across from each other. “You’re not wrong to question what we’re doing because none of this is… I hate to use the word normal because it’s so judgmental. So maybe standard? Common? Usual?”

“You a walking thesaurus now?”

“It’s one of my many handy traits,” he joked, then grew serious again. “So maybe we should find a different label. It may help you navigate this.”

“I’d like that.”

“How about friends with benefits? That gives us the leeway to spend time together and build a friendship while still enjoying the more…carnal sides of our relationship.”

Carnal. There was a word I hadn’t heard in a while. “If you want me to participate in said activities, you may wanna call it something else because that word isn’t doing it for me. Too many memories.”

“Oops. Right. Pleasurable? Enjoyable? Erotic? Sensual?”

He made me smile again. “There you go with the thesaurus act again.”

“You catch my drift. So what do you say? Friends with benefits?”

Friends with benefits. How very modern of me. “I love it.”

“You should make a list,” Nash said as we were having dinner and I told the others about my outing with Jarek. What I could remember of it anyway—though the friends-with-benefits thing had apparently made enough of an impression that I’d recalled it without checking my notes.

I quickly swallowed the ridiculously spicy curry Tameron had made. That was gonna hurt on its way out. “A list?”

“Of things you’d like to try with him. He’s your first and seems very open to teaching you, so why not take advantage of that and his experience and ask him to experiment some more with you?”

Oh, that was a great idea. We could already cross blowjobs off that list—though I wasn’t opposed to practicing some more. What else would be on there? “Any suggestions?”

“Frotting,” Creek said.

“Frotting?”

“Basically rubbing against each other until you come. It can be super hot, especially when you’re both still dressed.”

I had to give Creek props for keeping a neutral expression. “Coming in your pants is hot?”

Creek and Nash shared a look, and then both grinned. “Very,” Creek assured me. “Don’t knock it till you try it.”

Frotting went on the list. “What else?”

“Anal,” Nash said. “Giving and receiving. It’s an obvious one, but having the right partner for your first time can make all the difference.”

My cheeks were probably bright red by now, but whatever. I’d get over it. I dutifully wrote it down.

“Snowballing.”

I looked at Creek. “What’s that?”

Creek cleared his throat. “This isn’t Sex Ed, dude. Fucking Google it.”

“I’d want to try various positions too,” Tameron said. “Never done it with a dude, obviously, but I know that with women, changing positions can make a big difference. You gotta hit that G-spot, you know?” Then he frowned. “Wait, do men have a G-spot?”

Nash snorted. “We sure do, my man. It’s called a P-spot though. Also known as your prostate.”

“You should try an anal orgasm,” Creek said. “And no, I’m not explaining. That’s why they invented the internet.”

Nash patted Creek’s shoulder. “I’m strangely proud of you…and if someone had told me a year ago we’d be having this conversation, I would’ve laughed them straight out of the room.”

Creek merely sighed. “You and me both. I can’t deny Heath makes me ridiculously happy.”

“Can we get back to the various positions?” Tameron said. “What options are there for two men? Same as with a woman?”

He seemed to be serious, and Nash picked up on that as well, so he actually answered him. “Mostly, yes, though the angle is a little different. It also depends on the flexibility and strength of all the partners.”

“ All ?” Creek’s eyes narrowed. “You mean more than two? You’ve had sex with more than one guy at a time?”

Nash crossed his arms and shot Creek a look that would’ve made most men piss their pants. “As if I would ever tell you.”

“Why the fuck not? You know everything that’s happening in our lives. Hell, we’re making a sex list for Bean together,” Creek protested.

“Yup, and the fact that I’m even discussing sex positions with you is a goddamn miracle, so shut up and count your blessings.”

Hmm, a threesome. Should that go on my list? For some reason, it didn’t appeal to me at all. I didn’t want to share Jarek with anyone else. I wanted him all to myself—which probably also violated some friends-with-benefits rules, but whatever. For now, he was mine.