Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

JAREK

The townhouse had seemed like a good idea at the time. It had been cheap, which was great for my budget. It was a project, which was great for keeping me busy. And it was near the water, which was great for my soul.

But now, as the molehill turned into a mountain nearly the size of Everest with its to-do list and ever-increasing budget, I was starting to wonder if maybe it was a mistake.

“Well?”

I turned at the sound of Andrei’s voice. He stood in what would eventually be the archway between the living room and the kitchen. Right now, it was a rectangle of two-by-fours with busted drywall on either side.

“Whatever you need to do, do it.I don’t want to get out of this totally house-poor, but I also want it finished,” I confessed.

“Consider it done.And if it’s any consolation, we’re moving much faster now that you’ve stepped back.”

I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or not.I knew I wasn’t the most fit or talented with my hands, but did I really need to be? Ah, fuck it. I was embracing who I was—both physically and mentally.I was a good man, a decent lover, and a person worthy of love.

I wasn’t sure I was ready to be with anyone, but I had my thing with Bean, and that meant something.For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so alone.

Andrei crossed the room and laid a hand on my shoulder. “Do me a favor.”

“Mm?”

“Relax. Take a breath. Go get a drink. You’re wound so fucking tight, man. I hate seeing you like this.”

He was right.I rolled my shoulders back and let out a sigh.“Yeah, I should get out of here.”Besides, I actually did have plans.

“You gonna hang out with Ivy tonight?”He looked a little too eager, and I almost laughed.

I doubted Andrei would actually understand this, but she was the last person on my mind. I had a text from Bean asking when I was free again, and now that I was done giving Andrei the current list of approvals for his work orders, I could answer honestly that I was free tonight.

“I think she’s got a dinner thing with someone this evening,” I told him, trying to remember what she’d told me before I left the office.

His face fell, and I realized what I’d said.

“Hey, no, I don’t think it’s a date .Just some business meeting for funding.You want me to call her? We could all meet up tomorrow for drinks.”

He looked intrigued, but after a long beat, he shook his head. “Nah. I have a mountain of paperwork. Raincheck?”

He was adorably flustered when he was trying to avoid what he wanted.“Sounds good. Just let me know when you’re free.”

I grabbed my things and headed for the door, glancing behind me as Andrei locked up. I hated leaving the place, but there were still at least two months before it would be ready for me to live in, and that was driving me up the wall. I was so ready for a place to call home after Gio torched our life. He hadn’t only set fire to our past and future. He’d turned parts of my present to ash.

And I hated the feeling like I was floating in limbo.

The drive back to my place was slow. It was rush hour traffic and a heavy fog was rolling in under the bridge. By the time I got to my street, the visibility was low, and my wipers were working overtime. Luckily, I wasn’t too far down the block, and I managed to pull into my driveway without running someone down or denting the garbage cans lining the street.

I was exhausted by the time I got inside, so I immediately hopped in the shower. The warm water helped unknot my muscles, and as I began to relax, I closed my eyes and pictured Bean. His dark hair and eyes to match, the little shy smile he got on his face, the pliant way he fell apart under my hands.

I could still hear an echo of his voice begging for more—to be touched, to be brought to the edge and then gently pulled over. I could still taste the flavor of him in his deep kisses and feel the heat of his body as he flushed under my praises.

Fuck, I wanted him again.

I gripped myself and began to stroke, my arm immediately burning from how fast I was moving it. But I didn’t care. Just the memory of Bean had me teetering at the edge.

“Fuck,” I whispered. My voice rang out against the tiles, and I thought about how gorgeous he would sound—a symphony of his moans echoing around us. I hadn’t had enough time with him.

My orgasm rushed up my spine. “Bean.” I groaned and came with his name on my tongue. My knees threatened to buckle, and I braced myself as pleasure ripped through me. My cum hit the tiles at my feet, and through hazy eyes, I watched it gather water, then swirl down the drain.

Would he like that? Watching me lose it at the thought of him?

I had a feeling he would.

I grabbed the soap, washing away the evidence of my little solo session, then I rinsed off and got out, heading into my bedroom. It felt oddly empty and lonely, and I was so tired of living here. I wanted my townhouse to be done. I wanted my life to finally feel like it was starting again.

Flopping on my bed still naked, I pawed around for my phone, then brought up Bean’s last text.

When can I see you?

Tonight?

When there was no answer, I forced myself to stand and get dressed. I could cook—or, better yet, if I wanted to enjoy my food—I could order in. Delivery wasn’t the best option, but it was something. I headed back into the bathroom to comb my hair, then felt brave enough to check my phone again.

There was a message waiting, and my heart kicked up a notch.

I’m off in half an hour. Pick me up?

I’ll head over now. I need something to eat before we burn a bunch of calories.

Bean sent a blushing face in return and I pressed my phone to my chest. I had no business liking him this much, but god help me, I was smitten. I’d deal with it. I’d had crushes before, and they hadn’t ruined me. And it felt nice to finally feel something for someone again.

With Gio, it had been dull at best and exhausting at worst. Bean was the fresh air I’d been needing to breathe for so long.

Throwing on my shoes, I braced myself for another wave of fog as I stepped back outside. Luckily, Zayd’s place was just up the block, and their food had gone from good to great in the last few weeks, which I appreciated. I didn’t have much appetite these days, but a little comfort food was getting me through the lonelier evenings.

The cool bay breeze felt good against my skin as I walked the short distance between the rental and the bar, and I smiled up at the bear before walking inside. It wasn’t too busy, which was nice, and I zeroed in on an empty seat at the bar.

There was a small crowd, and Zayd was behind the bar. He tossed me a wink as I slid onto the stool and grabbed the menu off the little stand.

“Dinner?”

“Something light,” I told him. “With protein.”

“Okay, not the special. It’s fettuccini alfredo,” Zayd said, tapping his chin. “Oh. The new guy’s fish tacos are pretty damn decent. We have them grilled and fried.”

New guy. That would be Bean. My heart swelled.

“That sounds amazing. I’ll take them grilled. And let your new chef know that your favorite customer is a huge fan of his work. The food’s been much better around here lately.”

Zayd looked confused and happy as he punched my order into his little screen. “It was getting rough for a while. My brother was the kitchen manager, but he took off a few months ago, and I didn’t want to tell him I was drowning.”

“Older brother?”

He rolled his eyes and snorted. “How’d you guess? Omar’s exactly eleven months older, but he acts like it’s eleven years.”

“Mine’s only ten months,” I told him, and when he lifted a brow, I clarified. “Same dad, different moms. My dad was a jackass.”

“Ah. My parents just wanted a big family.” He leaned on the bar and propped his chin on his fist. “Six sisters, four brothers. I’m the second youngest, and I swear nothing I do is right.”

“Like…?”

“Owning a bar,” he pointed out. “I thought they were going to go through the roof when they found out I liked men. It turns out they were fine with that, but when I shaved my beard and started drinking beer, my mother acted like I’d taken a piss on a prayer rug.”

I hid my laughter. My family was religious—not in the same way, but the pearl-clutching was out of this world, and it was easier to just keep away from them. “I don’t talk to my family much. They weren’t super cool with me being gay. Though it was that quiet, I’ll love you in spite of yourself kind of way.”

Zayd grimaced. “Yeah. I hear that a lot working here. It’s rough.”

“I deal with it. I like my brother. He’s a good guy. His company’s rebuilding the townhouse I bought, which has been a bigger project than I anticipated.”

Zayd gave me a pointed look. “You mean you thought a complete reno would be easy?”

“I never said I was a smart man.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “Fair enough. It’ll be sad when you’re not a block away from here.”

I scoffed. “Like I’m giving this place up.”

Zayd shot me a grin and another wink. He was definitely on the market, but Zayd was a white-picket-fence guy. Our first conversation, he’d talked about his failed engagement—how he still loved his ex, but their lives had diverged in ways they couldn’t make work.

My crush on him had fizzled right after that, and it was good because I liked having him as a friend, and there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d rather have something with him than this shot with Bean.

No matter how it ended.

“Anyway, let me go check on your?—”

“Someone ordered tacos?”

My heart kicked up a notch when Zayd stepped aside and Bean appeared. He looked absurdly good in his checkered shirt, even though it was stained with sauce. But what really got me going was seeing the bear pendant hanging around his neck, nestled between the chain holding his dog tags.

“Ah. So now you can meet him officially,” Zayd said. He took the plate and set it in front of me. “Jarek, this is Bean. Bean?—”

“We’re old friends,” Bean interrupted.

Zayd blinked in confusion. “There’s something I’m missing.”

I couldn’t help my laugh. “Yeah, but don’t worry about it. Thank you for the tacos. They look amazing.” I met his gaze, and I could tell he knew I wasn’t speaking about the food.

Bean swallowed heavily. “I hope you enjoy them. I have to go finish my side work before I clock out.” He turned on his heel and left, and I found myself under Zayd’s pointed stare.

“So…”

I shook my head and focused on my plate.

Zayd’s hand fell on the counter an inch from mine, like he wanted to touch but didn’t. “It’s better if I don’t ask, isn’t it?”

I finally looked up at him. “I don’t like lying to my friends, but it’s also really not my place right now.”

Zayd nodded, backed away, then leaned in again. “Whatever this is, I’m happy for you.”

I wasn’t sure if he should be. I wasn’t really sure what this was or where it was going. I knew what I wanted, even if I wasn’t ready to admit it aloud, but it wasn’t up to me, and I wouldn’t push Bean, who was already dealing with a lot.

I could take it. A little heartbreak never killed anyone, and I had a feeling my life would be better for having known Bean, even if it ruined me a bit in the end.

“So.”

The moment was awkward. I felt it the second we settled on the couch with our feet up on the table. The dynamic had changed between us since our impromptu date, but we hadn’t really talked about it much except to say we were friends with benefits.

I could sense tension rolling off Bean in waves, and I felt like it was my fault.

“Is this allowed?”

I blinked at him. “Is what allowed?”

He rubbed at his temple, frowning. “I know you said no rules. I wrote that down more than once in my book.” He had his book on the couch cushion by his thigh and ran his fingers over it a few times, almost like a comfort thing. “But I mean, there have to be rules, right?”

“Do you have rules with your other friends?” I asked.

His smile softened. “Yeah, but they’re not, like, normal rules. Usual rules,” he corrected. “Nash hates when I call stuff normal.”

“It is subjective.”

His eyes crinkled with his grin. “That’s what he says. But I mean, we’re all scarred in some way or another, so we do have rules at home that are meant to protect each other. I don’t think that’s what you were asking.”

“No.” I hesitated, then turned my body to face him. He glanced at me, his hands now fidgeting nervously in his lap, so I picked one up and kissed his knuckles. He let out a very soft breath. I kissed his fingers, and his eyes closed. I kissed his palm, and his head tipped back. “That’s better.”

“Using your…manly wiles on me?”

I burst into laughter. God, he was so sweet. “More like trying to make sure you understand there’s not a line here you can cross. If you want to sit in silence and stare at the wall, we can do that. If you want to play a board game?—”

He grimaced. “No.”

“It’s still on the table,” I told him. “We can watch movies, or eat a meal, or fuck each other incoherent.”

“Yeah?I um…I like that last one.”

I reached out and traced a touch down the edge of his jaw.“Me too, sweetness.”

He swallowed heavily. “I actually have, uh…I have a list.”

“A list?” I was intrigued.

“Of things I want to try.” In his little book, bless that thing. He flipped to the back half, licking the tip of his finger to turn the pages. And there it was. A very neat and ordered list. “I came up with most of these after you and I, ah…after you…” I wasn’t sure if he was struggling because he was shy or because he couldn’t find the words, but I sat patiently until the tips of his ears weren’t so red. “The blowjob.”

“Ah. That was a good night.”

He laughed softly and shook his head. “Yeah, it was.”

I ran a thumb over his bottom lip. “So you want to try these out with me?”

“I’ve seen them in porn, but the guys assured me porn is not realistic at all.”

I snorted and pulled back. “Not usually, no. I mean, we can get porn levels of freaky if you want, but porn isn’t going to show you some of the less pleasant things.”

“Like?”

I bit my lip. I didn’t want to turn him off, but I also thought maybe this was a good idea because the last thing I wanted was for Bean to flee in mortification the first time things got a little messy. “Well, anal can be a little messy and not always in the fun way.”

His face bloomed red. “Isn’t that what enemas are for?”

I coughed. “Ah. Those, uh…those can be helpful, sure. But they’re also not super great for you. Enough fiber and lube, and it’s usually not a problem.”

“Usually.”

“Sometimes shit just happens. But if you’re super uncomfortable with that risk, when we decide to go down that road, I can show you how to use one. But even those sometimes come with happy accidents.”

His eyebrows rose. “Happy accidents?What does that mean?”

“Something like shitting in your azalea bushes after chasing your dogs who were trying to escape the yard, and you were full of a solution because you were trying to surprise your husband, and you realized halfway across the grass you couldn’t hold it,” I said.

He slapped his hand over his mouth.

“With your eighty-two-year-old neighbor watching,” I finished.

“Tell me that’s not a true story,” he said from behind his fingers.

I groaned and dropped my head back. “It was our second anniversary. Needless to say, Gio didn’t get laid that night.”

Bean made a soft noise, and the next thing I knew, he’d thrown his leg over my thighs and was straddling me. He tipped his head down, forehead pressing against mine, and I took him by the hips. He was half-hard, and so was I, but what was bigger in that moment was how he made me feel.

I hadn’t expected that reaction, but I wasn’t mad about it.“Hey,” I said softly, gripping him tighter.

My heart hammered against my ribs as he leaned in to kiss me. “I’m allowed to do this, right?” he asked when he pulled back.

My lips tasted like his. “Any time, gorgeous.”

He flushed and bit his lower lip, staring into my eyes. “Did he make you feel bad about it?”

“Mm?”

“Pooping in the bushes.”

I laughed and shrugged. “Yeah, he did. He told all our friends about it, people at his office, and a bartender once when we were out to dinner. It was one of a long list of things that made me realize our marriage to him was not what it was to me. But I have no regrets.”

“Why not?” Bean frowned, and I wanted to kiss that expression off his face.

Cupping his cheek, I ran my thumb over his freckled cheek. “Because everything I went through led me to this moment right here. With you. And right now, I can’t think of a better place to be.”

“Oh,” he breathed out softly. He looked uncertain, and I knew I was going too far, so I pulled back.

“Now, what’s the first thing on that list? Let’s see what we can take care of tonight.”

He leaned to the side, biting his lip again, then straightened and looked down at me. “Frotting? Um, coming from frotting, I mean.”

I thrust my hips against his, making him gasp and then moan. It had been years since I’d done that. More than I wanted to count. But right now, it was the only thing I wanted. Digging my fingers into his hips, I began to guide him in a slow rhythm.

“That’s definitely something we can do. And I really think you’re going to like it.”

“Yeah?”

I grinned up at him, sharp and maybe a little needy. I shifted my hips so our cocks aligned, then guided him in another roll of his hips. “Yeah, baby. I definitely do.”