Chapter Sixteen

DYLAN LOSTtrack of the days, sleeping through most of them. Three days in the hospital and he could finally go back home. Every time he woke up in the hospital, Ryan was by his side, holding his hand.

For the first time in a very long time, Dylan wanted to be taken care of.

“Whoa, where do you think you’re going?” Rebecca said with a scowl, catching him making his way down the hallway.

“I wanted to say hi to Leo. It’s been almost a week since I’ve seen him.”

“That’s fine, but you can’t overdo it. You had a serious infection, Dylan, and your immune system is still weak.”

“I’m not overdoing it. I’m feeling a bit cooped up, that’s all. I promise I’ll be good.”

“Make sure you do.” Rebecca’s lips quirked. “I don’t think Mrs. Lieu and I can handle Ryan like that again.” She sobered. “You gave us all quite a scare. Ryan was….” She sighed. “He was frantic.”

“Ryan was that upset?”

“He was appropriately upset when someone he cares about was lying unconscious in his arms.”

“Oh.”

The knowing glint in her eyes had the heat rising in his cheeks and his pulse quickening.

Rebecca offered him her arm. “Come on. I’ll give you and Leo an hour, but then you both need a nap.”

Dylan chuckled. “Thanks, Mom.”

Rebecca opened the door to Leo’s room and gave him a playful slap on the back. “Don’t be cheeky.”

He turned and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks. I really mean it. Thank you.”

It was nice to spend the next hour with Leo. They started out playing Legos but ended curled up together, reading and eventually falling asleep.

RYAN LOOKEDdown at Leo, sleeping in Dylan’s arms. The shadows under both of their eyes were less pronounced than they had been in the last week. The bone marrow donation was working. Of course he’d have to wait for the doctor to confirm it, but Ryan knew it was working.

He crouched down and gently reached out to caress Dylan’s cheek. He was still too pale and had lost weight with the infection.

Dylan’s eyes fluttered open, and he smiled. “Hi.” He glanced down at Leo curled up next to him. “How long have we been asleep?”

“Not long enough. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I wanted to check on you.”

Ryan stood as Dylan carefully untangled himself from Leo, tucking him under the blankets before getting up.

Ryan reached for Dylan’s arm. Dylan didn’t need the support, but Ryan needed the contact.

“Are you hungry? Mrs. Lieu has enough food made to feed almost all of Seattle.”

“Not really.” Dylan gave him a wry smile. “But I know you won’t take no for an answer, so I’ll have something.” He cocked his head. “You know I never would have taken you for the stern nurse type.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows. “Sometimes you have a difficult patient who needs a firm hand.”

Dylan dropped his head, his cheeks turning bright pink against his tawny-brown skin.

“It’s a nice day. Do you want to eat out on the dock?” Ryan offered.

“I’d love that. I could use some fresh air. Let me grab some things from my room.”

When Dylan was ready, Ryan guided him down the stairs, ignoring his grumblings about not needing him to hover. The last few days had been harrowing, and he was going to indulge in his worries and keep a close eye on Dylan no matter how much he complained. Or anyone else for that matter. Stephanie and his parents had done nothing to lessen the stress of the last few days. Their constant digs at Dylan and criticism of the time Ryan was spending with him only made things worse.

It didn’t matter now. Dylan was okay and back home.

Mrs. Lieu insisted on overpacking a basket with fried chicken, potato salad, green salad, peaches, and brownies. It was so heavy Ryan let out a grunt when he lifted it.

He pulled two Adirondack chairs from the lawn to the dock and set the basket between them.

“Are you warm enough? Do you want your sunglasses? You should wear sunscreen.”

“Ryan, stop.” Dylan wrapped his hand around Ryan’s wrist. “I’m fine. I put on sunscreen, I’ve got my sunglasses in my pocket, and you brought three extra blankets.”

He looked down at Dylan’s hand, resisting the urge to weave their fingers together, and nodded. “You really scared me, Dylan. I want, I need, to make sure you’re okay.” Ryan shifted his chair, angling it toward Dylan. “Will you tell me your side of the story?”

“My story? What do you mean?”

“I’d like to hear from you what happened with your family.”

Dylan eyed Ryan. “You know what happened from the private investigator you hired.”

“I do, but I’d like to hear it from you. I want to know what really happened.”

“Will hearing the story from me make any difference?”

“Maybe if I hear your side of the story, I’ll understand why you are the way you are. Why you are always saying you’re fine even when you’re not.”

Dylan sat forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, clasping his hands in front of him. He took a few deep breaths and began.

“I think I always knew I was… different. I tried to play sports, to be the version of a son my father wanted so badly. The harder I tried, the more I disappointed him. I had a journal—I needed someone to talk to, and it was all I had.” He looked at Ryan. “You’ve been to my hometown. It’s a small place with small minds. Family, faith, and football.” He smirked. “If you didn’t fit in to those three neat little boxes, well… you just didn’t fit. My mom is in leadership at their church, my dad is the football coach, and my sister a cheerleader.” He winced. “Was a cheerleader. I kept them from being the perfect family. And then they found my diary.”

“You don’t have to say any more. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“But you did. I didn’t have the luxury of making the conversation stop when it got uncomfortable. You asked me for my side of the story, not for the parts that don’t make you uneasy.”

Dylan was right. When Ryan tried to speak, he held his hand up. “Don’t you dare try to tell me you didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. Nothing about this entire situation is comfortable.” He poked himself. “I’m not uncomfortable with who I am.”

Ryan grabbed his hand, gently pulling it away from his chest. He held it between his. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. I’m ready to listen to anything you want to share.”

Leaving his hand between Ryan’s, Dylan took a deep breath and nodded. “I woke up late that morning. I was rushing to get to school, and I forgot to hide it. When I came home, my parents were sitting at the kitchen table with the diary in the middle of the table. I was completely numb with panic. They gave me two choices. Go to a special camp or leave. I knew they were talking about conversion therapy before they showed me the brochure for the camp.” Dylan hated the tremor in his voice. “I tried to be strong enough to agree, but I… I couldn’t do it. They gave me twenty minutes to pack my stuff and get out. I didn’t know where to go, so I went back to school. The school library was always my refuge, the place where I felt safe, and that’s where Kevin—Mr. Cooper—found me.”

“What about Lindsay?”

Dylan smirked and pulled out of Ryan’s grasp. “Yeah, that whole thing about twins being bonded?” He shook his head. “Maybe for some kids, but not us. Lindsay came home from cheerleading practice as I was leaving. She let me know in no uncertain terms that I was an embarrassment and it would be a relief to have me out of her life. My parents and Lindsay didn’t waste any time telling people the story I’m sure you heard.”

“That you had a drug problem, ran away, and died of an overdose?”

“So much better than having a gay son, right?”

“Dylan, I—”

“Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. I don’t blame you. Why would you question your wife? You were in love, and I hope you were happy.”

Ryan dropped his head. “We weren’t happy.”

Dylan opened his mouth and closed it again. “I thought….”

“Everyone did. We put on a convincing performance as a happily married couple. But that wasn’t the reality. Lindsay and I had different goals and values. I thought with time we would grow into our marriage, but we grew further apart instead of closer together.” He drew in a shaky breath. “It wasn’t easy before Lindsay died, and now it’s even a bigger mess. You said the more you tried to be the perfect son, the more you failed. I know what that feels like. The more I tried to be the perfect husband, the more I felt like I failed.”

“It was the same for me and my dad, it’s a two-way street, Ryan. Both people have to be open to wanting a relationship. Being different isn’t a flaw if two people will accept each other for who they are with love and respect.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I guess I’m saying if you love someone unconditionally, you shouldn’t have to feel like you have to be perfect for the other person. Lindsay should have accepted you as you are.”

“She should have done the same thing for you.”

Understanding filled the silence that surrounded them.

“You must be starving by now,” Ryan said.

“Not really, but I’ll eat something for you.”

The way Dylan said “for you” had Ryan’s gaze focusing on his lips.

“I, uh….” He cleared his throat and started digging through the basket of food. He needed to do anything to stop thinking about Dylan’s lips and what it would feel like kissing them.

“You said you weren’t hungry, but you devoured that plate fast,” Ryan observed, a smug smile on his lips as he glanced at Dylan’s empty dish.

“I guess I was hungrier than I thought,” Dylan admitted.

“Can I get you anything else?” Ryan asked, taking their plates and packing everything back in the basket.

“Could we walk down there?” Dylan pointed to the small stretch of beach next to the dock. “I wouldn’t mind stretching my legs a bit.”

They made their way down to the beach. Ryan picked up a smooth, flat rock and skipped it over the water.

Dylan slipped off his shoes and dug his toes into the rocky sand. “I miss sandy beaches, but the view?” He shaded his eyes, scanning the shoreline. “It’s magical here.”

“I love these long summer days,” Ryan said, looking at a picture-perfect view of Mount Rainier in the distance. “But don’t get lured in. People come up here and fall in love during the summers, and they decide to move here. Then winter hits, and it’s so dark and gray you don’t see that”—he pointed toward the mountain—“for weeks on end.”

“But think of all those dark and cozy winter nights.”

The late afternoon sun created a golden halo around Dylan. A good meal and time outside made his lips pink and brought some of the color back to his face.

Ryan groaned, “Dylan,” and reached for him, grasping his waist as he pulled him closer.

Dylan gasped, his eyes growing wide. “Wh-what are you doing?”

“Something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about for a while now,” Ryan whispered.

“But you can’t. You’re not gay. You can’t like me,” Dylan sputtered.

Ryan cupped his cheek. “You’re wrong. I do like you and—” He drew in a breath. “—I’ve been hiding who I am from everyone, including myself, for a long time.” Dylan closed his eyes and shuddered when Ryan brushed his thumb over his lips. “When the sun shines so bright, you can’t hide anymore. Your light blinded me when we met,” he whispered, inhaling the sunshine and citrus on Dylan’s lips from the lemonade they had at lunch. A low hum rumbled in his chest when his lips finally met Dylan’s.

So this is what a kiss was supposed to feel like. Soft and firm. The slight abrasion of Dylan’s stubble on his skin. Dylan’s lips parted. Even though they’d just eaten, Ryan was hungry all over again. Ryan delved into Dylan’s mouth with his tongue. He cupped the back of Dylan’s neck in his hand, pulling him closer, but it still wasn’t enough. When he finally released Dylan’s mouth, Dylan dropped his head to Ryan’s chest, his breath coming out in soft pants. Ryan shifted, pressing his hard cock against Dylan’s, and almost exploded right then.

“I knew it,” he whispered, cradling Dylan’s face when they broke apart. “I knew you would taste sweet and so good. I want more. I want all of you. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for so long.”

Dylan regarded him, his eyes searching Ryan’s face. “I didn’t want to be attracted to you, but—” He licked his lips. “—I wondered what it would feel like to be like this with you, and it’s so much more than what I imagined.”

“I may not know what I’m doing, but I know what I want, and I want you, Dylan.” He smiled and caressed Dylan’s cheek again. “So I need you to get better so we can do more than kiss. I need you in my bed, where I can explore and taste every inch of you.”

Dylan’s face fell, and he pulled out of Ryan’s hold. “I can’t do that.”

Ryan’s stomach dropped. “I thought you wanted….”

“I do, but I can’t—” Dylan shook his head. “Not in the same bed you shared with my sister.” His lips trembled. “What are we thinking? We can’t do this. I-I’m confused,” he finished weakly. When he looked up at Ryan, Dylan’s eyes filled with anguish. “I remind you of Lindsay. You’re confused. You aren’t gay.”

“Stop.” Ryan grasped his shoulders and kissed Dylan’s forehead. “Don’t compare this to what your sister and I had, because this between us is completely different. I never felt like this with Lindsay or anyone before. This isn’t a random impulse, Dylan. I’ve had feelings before, but I was scared, and I never acted on them. I thought I could ignore them and they’d go away. You’re not Lindsay, and that’s why I’m attracted to you. I desire you because you’re a man. A man I want to make love to.”

Dylan’s eyes were shiny with unshed tears as they searched Ryan’s face. “I want to believe you,” he said in a shaky whisper.

“I’m telling you the truth. I shouldn’t have ambushed you like that. It’s… I couldn’t hold it in anymore. When you collapsed, I realized I didn’t want to continue on pretending to be someone I’m not.” Ryan reached out and brushed his hand against Dylan’s. “When you relapsed, I was scared of losing you, but now I’m even more frightened by the possibility of never knowing the feeling of holding you in my arms.”