17. Chapter Seventeen Spin

Chapter Seventeen: Spin

L ying in bed, more exhausted than I've ever been in my life, I look at the last message I sent on my phone.

Can we please talk?

I sent that text to Kiet three days ago, and there were five more before it. He still hasn't answered any of them, although I can see that he's read them all.

I sigh. I don't understand how the one time I go off on Daw, Kiet deserts me. Is she that important to him? Am I that unimportant ?

And why do I even want to talk to him now that I know what he did to Cushion?

Tears smarting in my eyes, I drop my phone and stare at the ceiling. The apartment is dead silent. Most of the people who live around me are older and retired, getting up at the crack of dawn and going to bed at twilight. It's almost one in the morning and raining, and I've lain here, waiting to see if there will be thunder, but so far only the gentle pelting of rain against the windowpane breaks the quiet.

I miss Nok. I called her last night but we only spoke for a moment because she was with friends. She sounded like she was having a great time, and I'm glad. I would hate it if she wasn't enjoying herself at university. I don't want her to know how lonely I am without her, so I make sure I sound upbeat.

Turning my mind away from Kiet and Nok, I review the day. I was nervous during filming despite the practice P'Park and I did.

Practice. Right.

But I refuse to think about that. We didn't even do the sex scene today, anyway. It was just one of Khao and Boom driving up to the house and being met by servants. As easy as that sounds, it was a nightmare from start to finish, although we did finally get the footage we needed by midnight, after having started at six a.m. The crew had to employ lights to simulate daytime.

The first problem was the angle of the car as we pulled up. P'Big said it didn't look right on camera, so, after implementing a few possible fixes, we switched to coming in from the other side. Next, it was the sun in the eyes of those standing on the steps. The crew tried multiple things to solve this, including several of them standing on ladders and holding up large squares of cardboard to block the blinding rays behind the cameras. In the end, we ended up taking a break and waiting until the sun rose higher in the sky. After that, out of nowhere, the wind picked up, blowing everything that wasn't nailed down past the camera lens and into the actors' faces. P'Big was so aggravated, he began to cuss, something I hadn't heard him do before. When P'Park touched my shoulder, I realized I was twisting my fingers in agitation.

Finally, around noon, the wind died down and we could try again. By the fifth time P'Park pulled the car up the drive and we climbed out, I was past being nervous. We did it eight more times until P'Big was satisfied. Then came the comedic interlude. All that was required of me and P'Park was to stand in frame while the housekeeper gave her line and then Wish, the actor playing a clumsy servant, fumbled with our suitcases, causing one of them to pop open. Only, it didn't. Not the first, second, or third time we did the scene. P'Big yelled for someone to get their ass over there and rig the fucking suitcase so that it would open like it was supposed to when Wish dropped it, while the rest of us stood around in the heat, sweating to death.

By three, we still hadn't had lunch, and I was feeling like a wet noodle. As I sat on a low concrete wall wishing the day would just end, P'Park slipped something into my hand, and I looked down to see it was an energy bar. Smiling at him in thanks, I peeled it open and offered him half. He shook his head, and I gobbled it down.

I smiled, recalling that part. I probably would have fainted out there if it weren't for that energy bar because it wasn't until eight o'clock that P'Big thought to feed us. Most of the actors, evidently familiar with the fact that P'Big doesn't take many breaks, brought snacks, but that didn't deter them from rushing inside when it was announced the food was ready.

Tomorrow we would be filming a scene between Boom and his mother, played by a seasoned actress I had yet to meet, which includes the part where I have to cry. P'Big asked me about it today, and I told him I thought I could do it, and that was that. Thanks to P'Park's advice, I know all I have to do in order to cry is to think about that awful moment when everything changed. My life wasn't great to begin with, but without my mother, my dad got much worse. Until recently, I haven't allowed myself to think about it. I hope the memory will serve me well tomorrow.

Khun Mild, who plays Boom's mother in Heartbeat , is a kind woman who pinches my cheeks when she meets me and tells me to call her Auntie. Her personality is the complete opposite of the character she plays—an awful person who tells Boom she's had his cat put to sleep while he's been living in Bangkok. I could almost cry from thinking about that alone even though I've never had a pet, but in the end I'm sure I'll have to dredge up those moments when Pa staggered in drunk and told me and my little sister that our mother drowned herself in the lake behind the house.

If she actually drowned herself, it was because of my father. This I know for a fact because living with him was pure hell, but I have trouble believing she would leave her children to deal with him alone.

"Spin, are you ready for the scene?" Khun Aat asks as he strides toward me. As the acting coach, he's undoubtedly eager to see if I can pull this off.

"I think so, Khun."

"Since we're going to be working closely together, let's dispense with the formalities. Call me P'Luke."

"Okay, P'Luke," I agree.

"Time to prepare." He turns and calls to Khun Mild, and when she comes to stand with us, P'Luke asks the two of us to join hands.

"Mother and son. There is a lot of love here, but you've had your differences in the last few years, and Ma, you are a hard woman. You feel your son is too headstrong. His reactions aren't based on good thinking, plus you don't understand today's generation and their ideas. You know your son is not attracted to women and that scares you, but more than that, you hate that he has moved off to Bangkok where his life can only get worse. Boom, you are deeply aware of your mother's disapproval. You've already dealt with your father tonight, and your nerves are frayed. You wish Khao was not with you on this trip because you worry about his feelings. Now, let's talk about your pet. You've had Som for years, since she was a kitten. When you went to Bangkok, you trusted your mother to take care of her for you. Now, you find out she's had Som euthanized because of an illness—one you are sure could have been treated. You feel betrayed. You're heartbroken. It's all too much. You break down, unleashing months of stress and years of heartache."

Looking at Khun Mild, our hands linked, I think, I'm Boom. This is my mother. We stay like that, standing silently together, until we feel our connection and are ready for the scene, at which point P'Big joins us.

He claps his hands together. "Okay. The argument and feelings will build as the scene progresses. Let's begin. Take your places, everyone."

Camera operators move in, some quite close to us. I position myself where I'll enter a door, and Khun Mild takes her place by the credenza, where she's arranging flowers. Her face has transformed to cool stone.

"Action!" P'Big calls out.

Although I've prepared myself and hope to do well, as the scene advances, I'm unprepared for how wholly my role overtakes me. A lot like when P'Park and I practiced the sex scene, I forget who I really am, and where I am. I become Boom seeing his mother again after some time apart. I'm even more unprepared for how my feelings for my own mother, gone for years now, intermingle with and add layers to my emotions. This transformation never happened to me while filming my first series. It's difficult, but I know it's making my acting better.

I ask my mother about Som, and when she coolly tells me she had my pet euthanized, the feelings of betrayal and heartache hit me hard . I didn't even need to call forth those memories I had ready.

How could she do that? Why? Why didn't she consult me? I would never see Som again .

"You're remembering all the times you had with your cat. What a comfort Som was to you," P'Big says over the intercom. "Let the emotions show on your face."

Ma snaps at me about leaving the cat with her and how it was her decision to make, and that brings on the guilt even though I know I couldn't take Som with me to Bangkok. Ma continues, arguing that the cat had lived a long life and that the treatments would have been too expensive. All excuses, I think, because she didn't want to take care of my pet. She's never been fond of Som, and she's never gotten over her anger that I'm gay and that I left for Bangkok. We argue. The argument swells, takes on layers. Ma brings up my sexual orientation and her disappointment in me. The long, heartfelt diatribe falls from my lips. The lines come easily because of how deeply I feel them. I don't have to search for the words I need—they're right there on the tip of my tongue, ready to fall as I tell my mother how my sexuality isn't her concern, how she had no right to do what she did, how I'm happy being away from this gloomy house and her overbearing personality. How I'm living my life the way I want to live it.

She tells me to get out if I hate it so much. Turning, she throws the vase of flowers at me, and I barely remember to duck so they crash against the wall, creating a mess of water, petals, and glass on the hardwood. When she leaves the room, slamming the door behind her, I fall to my knees, a sob wrenching from my throat. After that, I lose it, sobbing into my hands, and I can't stop when P'Big calls it a wrap. Someone helps me up from the floor. Shaking all over, I sag into the nearest chair and bring my knees to my face. As reality returns, the emotion continues to batter me until I'm spent.

"It's okay," a soft voice permeates my thoughts, a hand gently stroking through my hair. "It's okay. Cry it out. All that emotion needs an outlet. "

Lifting my tear-stained face, I blink at P'Park kneeling in front of me.

I say on a choked breath, "I-I don't know why I can't stop c-crying."

"You just need to get it all out, that's all."

Khun Aat—I mean, P'Luke approaches and rests a hand on my shoulder. "You did very well with that scene, Nong. You should be proud of yourself. It's the reason why you're having so much trouble coming back to yourself now." He ruffles my hair. "Don't be embarrassed. People in this business are used to it."

Glancing around, I see that he's right; the staff is busy coiling up cords and moving lighting. P'Big is talking to Khun Mild on the other side of the room, her script open between them. Not one of them is paying any attention to my emotional state.

I nod and try to smile, but my mouth wobbles and it turns into another sob. I'm surprised when P'Park pulls me into his arms, holding me while I cry and making shushing sounds in my ear. P'Luke leaves us alone.

My heart hurts.

Because I haven't had this type of comfort from anyone since my mother was alive.

Because my father never loved me enough to touch me this way.

Because my soul yearns for this kind of a connection with someone.

Clinging to P'Park, I continue to cry sporadically for the next twenty minutes. When a blanket falls around my shoulders, and I hear P'Big ask, "How's he doing?" I have a headache and my eyes feel swollen.

"He's okay. Just working through some emotions," P'Park tells him.

"His next scene isn't until after lunch. He can take his time. "

After a few more moments, P'Park takes me into another room where he helps me wash my face and gives me a bottle of water to drink. Then he has me lie down on the couch and covers me with a blanket. I'm exhausted.

"Nong Park?" I hear Khun Lee say from the doorway just as my eyes fall shut. "That video of you and Spin dancing. Did you arrange that?"

"No, Khun, I didn't know anyone was filming us."

"Well, it was nothing short of an ingenious publicizing maneuver! It's everywhere on social media, and it's gained SPPT hundreds of new followers. We must get some behind-the-scenes clips out as soon as possible."

I don't hear any more.